Updates and introspection and denial, oh my.

Not even sure if I mentioned it since every day pretty much feels like a cross between a Sunday and a struggle, not going to lie, it's hard to keep momentum right now and I feel so behind, like all I do are chores and a huge amount of fretting, and I can't just relax at all. I drank three things of cognac last night and still nothing. I finished The Boy in The Striped Pajamas and wow, that ended far differently than I expected and Lochlan bought me a treasure-trove of brushes for Procreate and put them all of Google Drive and wouldn't you know..

File not supported.

And I don't know how to change that and I don't want to ask him to fix it. They're on the home server, I'll add it to the list of Things I Have To Do.

I need a vacation. From technology, maybe.

In other news, since I forgot what I was talking about and what I failed to mention, or may have, it's that we've lifted the in-house quarantine and every house is fair game now, as Schuyler is having a great vacation and even Batman stopped leaving. Henry is off until this coming weekend and so no need to isolate from each other. We've pooled the dwindling Twinkie Supply and movie nights are ridiculously well-attended, even though the last movie we watched was a real banger from 1999, The Ninth Gate.

Okay, fine, it was good. The theme was Thriller. I figured we'd end up watching Michael Jackson music videos on a loop but no such luck. I went for a long bike ride around the neighborhood, found every curb to be my friend where I could find one but otherwise it's frightening being out there with cars and stuff.

I hate it but I went because participation means you're happy, or something.

I went because I'm probably in shit anyway for heading straight to the loft and not coming back last night, prefering to waltz into the kitchen via the side door this morning causing at least eight heads to turn while I muttered WHAT? and walked right through, up the steps only to die a thousand deaths once I was out of sight because I forgot they're all home all the time now.

Lochlan came up and asked if I was alright.

It's August, not Caleb, I spat at him.

It's Jacob. Endless Jake. It's not August. 

I'm fine. 

You're so not fine it's a miracle you breathe most days, he says and turns on his heel, heading back to his coffee and his brothers because you can take a good thing and drive nails through it with a Saturday night hammer and who's going to stop you if that's how it works. We can make up later.

Because he's right.

August doesn't need to know this but sometimes it's Jake.

And I'm not sorry and no one gets an apology because it's Sunday and Jesus is coming back and-

It's Monday isn't it? Jesus is already here. He's standing right behind me, one hand covering his beautiful face, shaking his head at the things I do and why he wasted all this effort on me only to watch me chuck it into the sea.

I didn't chuck it yet but I might.

On the upside, August didn't tell me to leave. Probably because I never told him it was Jake. Having a great day here, how about you?

Naked faith (AKA Happy Easter).

(Hello Tornado.)

Sam's podcast was released live without a hitch this morning for Easter service, along with explicit and thorough instructions on the website and as well offers of a paper copy of the sermon to be emailed or even post-mailed if necessary to anyone who called or emailed and requested such. It's a weird and comforting thing to listen to him preach through my headphones. His voice is comforting and soft, authoritative and convicted. He talks about Jesus like he's a friend, a member of the Collective soon to return.

I suppose he is, though we are, as always, reluctant to welcome strangers.

He's been here before, Sam reminds me and I press resume, as I want to hear it again. I'm almost blissfully thankful that I have few recorded examples of Jacob's voice. If I listen to him it's a knife through the heart, making it hard to breathe.

Lochlan comes by, yanking out the knife, wiping it on his cargo pants, putting it in the sink to wash, staunching the flow of blood, mixed with misery to make it rainbow-glittery, bringing me back to life. He asks if I'm done with church yet, saying he would like a trip down to the water if I want a swim, still a little angry that I went for one yesterday with Duncan but without a swimsuit.

Duncan didn't swim though, I reminded Lochlan at the time.

I know, he scowls. And had I known I would have gone, he says, sending me up in flames.

When we get down to the beach I strip out of my clothes, still dressed in tattoos and grandeur.

Well? He says. Sink or swim. 

But I don't run into the water, away from his eyes like I did with Duncan. Instead I move in close so I am right in front of him, the wind whipping my hair into my eyes and mouth, looking like a tornado with nowhere to touch down.

Come in with me. 

He looks out at the water, then up at the steps and then back at me. Then he says Okay, and takes off his clothes. We run into the freezing cold water holding hands and then run back out before we get our hair wet.

Best Easter service ever. If Jesus comes back right this second, he's going to get an eyeful.

Early birthday suit.

We did not fill the pool but since I needed to swim and have zero ability to understand things like consequences, I made a brief plea to have a quick dip in the ocean, expecting everyone to shut me down. We already did all the yard work and cleanup from the winter this morning, finishing what I started a couple of weeks ago, mowed the grass, power-washed absolutely everything and omg I'm so hot and so tired, I just want a swim.

But Duncan offered to go down to the beach with me, while everyone else begged off and so off we went, mildly awkward at first and then comfortable as he said he's doing well he just had a moment and it's passed and next time it comes around he knows what to do.

At the bottom I realized it's twenty degrees and because I was working in the gardens I'm not dressed for swimming with my customary bikini under cut offs and a sweater. Fuck. I turn to go back up and he tells me it's fine. That if we're here I should swim anyway because he's not climbing up only to come back down. That what's the difference between undies and a swimsuit?

But like I said I have a tendency lately not to wear those either.

Oh. Well, I'll look away until you're in. 

Fine by me. 

So my first real swim of the year in two-degree water with a fine ice-surface or so it seemed was in my birthday suit and it felt GREAT.

And Duncan never looked the other way, not for even a second. I struggled to put on shorts and my sweater over wet skin and he watched and laughed and occasionally reached out to steady me. On the way back up he said he wish he knew who the bigger mess was, me or him, and I answered that it was me for sure, through chattering teeth.

He didn't argue with me though.

Under the rabbit sea.

We took breakfast down to the dock today. No frost on the steps, no bone-chilling morning air. Just sunlight, a brisk cool breeze and a lineup of boys with baskets and a girl with a bag over her shoulder because I need one hand for the rail and one for Lochlan's hand.

Ben even came with us.

And also Caleb, Sam, Matt, August, Dunk, Dalton, PJ and Gage because it was Good Friday service on the water. We set up my huge round tablecloth with the tiny pompoms all the way around and sat around the edge of it, laying out fruit, sticky buns and muffins, hard boiled eggs and a plate of bacon and ham. We had three thermoses of hot coffee and one of tea and we ate quietly and then lingered over saved coffee while Sam conducted a brief service, complete with a sermon and then Ben played a song on his guitar and sang along with it and Dalton joined in on harmony at the end and then we sat in relative silence, enjoying the sun and each other. No one had a phone or an ipad or a grudge. No one had somewhere better to be or was too busy at work. Everyone sat quietly enjoying their coffee, picking out the remaining fruit bites to nab and watching the waves lap quietly against the shore.

I watched the bunny head float by in the water, attached to no one and I began to laugh out loud. I'm thinking it's ruined now but it pretty much was before, and this seems like the perfect time to end that tradition and maybe start this new one.

A vicious kind of catch (Hold the stereo! I'm goin' in).

My favorite thing in the world to do when I wake up feeling weird is to blast Veruca Salt's Loneliness is Worse through the house on eleven and wait for someone to notice.

It's not so much passive-aggressive as it is a bellowing, plaintive cry for help. It's a beautiful bridge in the middle, too. The only sad part are the drums, honestly. Geez. A little more on the hi hats, would you? Christ. That's how I play drums and I can only play a little. I play bass too. And violin, piano and french horn. Harmonica. And give me a set of bagpipes or an accordion and I can hold my damn own, truth be told. I have all sorts of gifts. The problem is, none of them are useful.

Salt is always followed by Twenty One Pilots Trees song. That song reverberates through the house like a ray of God-light, shining into every corner until the beams force out everything dark. It's beautiful. But boy, do they hate these mornings, because it's a boots-on-the-ground type of day and they've atrophied into human man-sloths, content to watch fifteen hours of television or read endlessly. Everyone has a screen. Everyone is a zombie now. Maybe we do have a virus. Maybe this is the end.

May is calling. So much in that month. I really want to go shopping. I want to go to restaurants. I want to walk on the big beaches. I want to celebrate birthdays without chains and life without restrictions and every morning now I wake up bursting out of my skin and then spend the morning stuffing everything back inside just to function.

If this is the end though, I'm not afraid. I know that they're going to let go of my hands and I'm going to go flying across the rainbow bridge as fast as my legs can carry me into Jake's arms like a dog and he's going to be so happy to see me but sad that it was so soon and I didn't get to experience my full life. He's going to blame all of us and not even remember how much of a hypocrite he was, not even finishing his thirties. It's hard to believe in real life he never aged but in my dreams he continues to do it steadily and regularly.

I shouldn't listen to Trees before breakfast. Because loneliness is worse. In the end this irony is my most formidable enemy and I can't seem to win.

The devil was once an angel, too.

Fragile hearts in these fragile times often break before they ever find
That there's hope inside of this shadowland
Written in the sky and stone and printed on our hands
So why do I always measure the truth with the weight of a lie?
Nothing's broken inside of me for good I'm healing in time the way I should
I can see it if I keep my head held high
Arms open wide
Heart full, clear eyes
All the doubts all the lies are too heavy to hold so why even try?

This morning I managed to snag my favorite enamel camp mug for coffee, and it was warm when I came downstairs. Warm enough for cut-off denim shorts and my Colony House hoodie. No need for a fire this morning. The sun was already beaming down on the point and it feels like everything might be okay. Or at least as okay as it ever was, in case we hoped for some massive snowball of improvement tagging along when our routine resumes someday.

PJ usually takes my mug. It has a huge handle and so he finds it comfortable. Plus it has a stable base and isn't top-heavy like the matching ones that came with the plates when we bought four sets for the house. PJ isn't all that concerned with putting his cup down on a stable base and will absentmindedly place it on the corner of a laptop or the arm of the couch. He was used to things a certain way, and I guess today he'll have to be disappointed as he takes one of the white mugs with the tiny base and be careful with it. It's a Wednesday. Monday is done, the full moon is done, and when I went to the grocery store today, every shelf was full. It was like the good old days, when they had everything and then some. I was happy to get everything I wanted and some extras and get home with no fuss. It was a nice change.

Sigh. It's going to be a good day. A bright day. No dark, no clouds. Just sunshine and coffee and the rest of my book and yes, I'm drawing the property for you but it's going to take a while, as I have a time-sensitive project that needs my attention first.

Besides, I need a little more sleep too and I'm waiting for that to catch up with me but with a second cup of coffee, I'm wondering if it even will.

I had some brandy last night, a toast, clinked far too slowly against Caleb's glass in celebration of a better week this week after a rocky start. He took our glasses in one hand and my face in the other and kissed me until I saw the stars outside through the ceiling as if it wasn't even there.

I held my breath until I fell through the black, letting go of my breath along with everything else and in my oxygen-deprived dreams Loch made an executive decision to bring Caleb along into our private night. Whether to keep an eye on him or give him a break, maybe in light of seeing how this forced isolation is affecting us all, he's found some patience after all.

He found a lot of things. They get along so well sometimes it's as if they're sharing one mind and sometimes their heart doubles to hold me too and it's like the greatest amusement park ride you've ever been on, trust me.

And then I slept, locked in between hell and magic, secure in the holy tragedy of my past, present and probable future, perfectly content and not overly warm or even overly weird.

It was nice. We've scheduled another time. See if Caleb can remain on his best behavior. See if Lochlan doesn't turn possessive. Find a way to keep all the hearts and minds in sync and fight off the despair of this maybe becoming the way things are forever.

They won't be but what if they are?

Vaguely English.

There's a fun thing about Caleb. When he's singing along with James Blunt or even Chris Martin, Caleb's accent is almost audible again. It's a very slight heightened received-pronounciation and it's a treat to my ears because he stuffs it as far inside as he can and only sets it free when he is half-drunk or very tired indeed, and neither of those conditions have I seen in a very long time, frankly.

But last night we burned dinner, got in a bickery-fight and made up over a late glass of brandy by the fire, so I technically began and ended my day in flames under a full moon and that's okay. Mondays be like that.

He sang to me briefly, my head propped against his shoulder, drink forgotten, eyes open and fully hypnotized by the flames, white spirals into nothingness. A Bullwinkle cartoon, an inevitable end to a long stretch of not trying hard enough, I guess and so I had resolved to try harder tomorrow.

And so far I am. I'm up at a good hour. Coffee's almost gone from my cup (already reheated it once), have not seen the devil since around eleven pm last night when I bid goodnight to him, his expression one of pure naked surprise, having assumed I would follow through, and I'm finishing the laundry while I dance all around the news without reading any of it any more.

My phone just buzzed and it's Caleb, awake and ready to stuff rejection as far inside as he can, setting his needs free and cloaking his surprise in determination, but whether it be real or fake is not important right now. What matters is that he needs to feel like he wins.

Tonight we'll bring the brandy up with us. 
 XOCXC

To which I reply because full moons are for tiny wolves and devils alike:

Okay 
XOB

I'm not sure why we put our initials but we do it more often than not. It's a tiny ritual of a different kind, I guess. I usually leave it off when I'm relaying things we've written to a page. I don't know why that's important. It's probably not, really.

Coffee and corduroy.

When you reach the part where the heartaches come
The hero would be me
But heroes often fail
And you won't read that book again
Because the ending's just too hard to take

I was banned from taking my coffee down to the beach this morning, forced to drink it by the fire, where I sweat because suddenly the kitchen is so warm and I miss the beach so much. The steps get covered with a fine neck-breaker of frost, as Lochlan calls it and so the trip will be made for lunch, if anyone is actually free.

It's a very thick layer of white out there and when I let the dog out into the side garden it was really chilly indeed. Which is ironic as I want to garden so bad, since yesterday I noticed all of the larkspur and poppy I planted two years ago that failed miserably is suddenly growing like mad.

I want to plant things to grow, for when times are better. Hopefully soon but not until the earth remains warm overnight. I always try to rush things. It's barely April.

***

I may paint the property for you, since I'm not allowed to post photos and honestly you'll be hard-pressed to look at it and figure out where we live. You know the general neighborhood but the properties are pretty private so unless you approach from the water you wouldn't be able to find me at all. And I want to show you things so you can see exactly what I mean when I talk about different things.

***

I chose American Moon for our -suspicions- theme night yesterday. We made mystery foil packets of different foods and cooked them in shifts at the barbecue so no one would know what was what, played Risk and watched conspiracy movies. My foil packet was chicken and carrots, asparagus and tarragon, and I was so relieved as some of them were salmon and I would have had to trade.

No one likes to trade dinner. Boys just want to dig in so it would have gotten so ugly.

We've got a glass fishbowl on the counter and have filled it with folded slips of paper with random words and time periods on them (you add one as it comes to you) and are doing dinner-and-a-movie nights almost every night, as long as there are six or more people interested. Some nights we just disappear into our own selves so it depends.

American Moon was ridiculously informative, save for the parts about lighting on the set moon. That drove me batshit. The rest was good fun and now I'm a believer in disbelief. For today anyway. Tomorrow I will deny at gunpoint that I ever question the Apollo program because I will not debate that sort of thing in mixed company.

(But if you one hundred percent believe in things without even the tiniest seed of doubt I don't think I will ever let you in all the way. Why would I?)

(I feel the exact same way if you don't believe in magic even a little bit. Get out of my sight. Seriously.)

Today I am planning on finishing up laundry, painting a picture to send faraway, helping Sam with editing his Easter Sunday podcast, and then probably working on digital illustration for a while. I'm going to make penne with garlic and tomatoes for dinner.

And I'm listening to Gordon Lightfoot this morning, which has gotten a super-appreciative nod from every single boy to venture through the kitchen this morning. It's comforting. Like wrapping yourself in a brown corduroy and polyester couch, settling in to watch cartoons, a big bowl of Apple Jacks in your arms and a plan to go out and roller skate in the sun after real breakfast later with the boys down the street.

I guess I know what I'm really going to do today. 

*looks around, still laments the lack of a huge corduroy couch*

*shops online*

(Muhahahahahah)

Anthroposophic Collective.

Come on little lady, give us a smile
No, I ain't got nothing to smile about
I got no one to smile for
I've waited a while for
A moment to say I don't owe you a Goddamn thing

Sorry for the typographical errors if you're a reader who visits the same day I post. I usually get ten minutes alone at my tiny desk in the corner of the kitchen to whip off an entry and I rarely have time to linger over it so I usually just hit publish as someone comes in and starts talking and then the next morning when I do it all over again, I go to log in and the previous days errors will jump off the page at me. So then I can fix and republish and some of you never see what sort of terrible writer I am if I'm not paying attention (and even sometimes when I am).

***

Today is painting day. And probably sous-vide burgers (finished on the grill) and homemade french fries and it's also Henry's last day of work for two weeks as he gave up a bunch of shifts to help out a coworker hurting for cash with which to pay rent. I asked him to keep me plugged in and will pay the rent myself if necessary but I like to see the ingenuity of the young, for that's where you learn the best lessons that stick with you for life and that's how we got to this place.

I don't spend money. Never have. The greatest shopping spree that I think I've had in the past twenty years was that time that for my birthday (six or maybe even five years ago), Ben took me out shopping and told me to buy whatever I wanted. I bought a sketchbook and a pack of Copic fineliners at Colours, five pairs of pretty new underwear at La Vie En Rose, a new charm (I think it was a planet) at Pandora and two books I was wanting to read at Chapters plus a new set of lipsticks from Nudestix I think, at Sephora.There may have been a cute shirt from Forever 21 in there too but those days won't be coming back, pandemic or not.

(I miss Forever 21. So does Ruth. H&M just isn't the SAME.)

But yeah. The haul cost something like $157 and it was incredible. I got to pick out everything and I felt like a princess. Ben had no idea what was going on with me because he went prepared to spend thousands but that was back when he though All Girls Are The Same, Right? and had been used to higher-maintenance ones?

And then I think we had Vietnamese take out for lunch and it was one of the best days ever. I can't wait to do that again though my favorite art store is gone now, Forever 21 is gone. I don't think I'll need another Pandora charm as long as I live, as I have an armful of bracelets and boy are they heavy to wear. I have tons of reading material, currently slogging through The Boy in The Striped Pajamas and am full up on undies and lipstick, both of which I hardly ever wear anymore.

(Hi mom.)

I miss the mall. I haven't had chance to see if I can get Vietnamese take out by phone yet. Do we have what? Skip the dishes? I don't know. Do we? I don't have it. I don't think I want it. Can't I drive to a place? I'll look into it later.

This is the irony. If I tell Caleb that I want Vietnamese food there will be some of my favorites, a selection here inside of an hour. But that's no fun. I told you, the best lessons are the ones you learn on your own.

Rocky.

Give a girl a good cup of coffee from the thermos and a walk on a cold windy beach and I'll show you someone who can almost forget everything and be a blank, clear and wonderful slate from which to move forward.

Then she'll come inside, warm up and forget all of the moments she just blankly experienced and life will come rushing back in a tide-avalanche and we'll need to start from scratch, I think, trying again tomorrow.

The ghosts came back. All I had to do was think about one of them, and he was there in a dream. Or maybe it was a nightmare?

How did you sleep? They ask.

Fine, I lie. And you?

Sudden Intense Privacy.

I can see it if I keep my head held high
Arms open wide
Heart full, clear eyes
All the doubts all the lies are too heavy to hold so why even try?
You don't have to do this all on your own
This fragile life that you hold is too heavy to carry alone so why even try?
All of the doubts
All of the lies
All of the fears
All of the tears that you've cried
Are too heavy to carry alone
So why even try?

On a day that saw the ferries stop coming to Horseshoe Bay, the world suddenly got quiet. I can hear the waves break on the rocks. I can hear my neighbour's giant wind-chimes way up the hill. I can hear the transitions in vocals in the Colony House album I'm listening to (Leave What's Lost Behind) and I can hear Ben's exasperated breathing as he argues quietly into the phone fifteen feet back from shore, content to accompany me but only if he can get his calls done outside and far from the house, where surprisingly the wi-fi is a little better than it is inside.

I wonder when the ferries will come back. I wonder when the Man will stop telling me how many loaves of bread I can buy in one shopping trip. I wonder when gas will go back over a dollar a litre and I wonder if I should put all of my cash in the washing machine in case it's diseased like the outside world. In case you're from away, our Canadian dollar bills are flexible plastic rectangles that smell like maple syrup and are fully washable.

It's worth nothing now. Clean or not. No one will accept it, it's only worth something like sixty-five cents to every American dollar it's matched to and I'm really beginning to hate all of this. 

I still don't fear getting this virus, though my ear is feeling better and my allergies are now moving in to take centre stage. The cherry blossoms in the orchard are blooming and I wait with zero patience for the lilac buds to fill in and open up, filling the whole point with the most beautiful perfume in the world. I wait to sow my vegetable seeds in the garden so I can gather what I need for dinner without two trips down the highway. I wait for life to resume at the pace I complained so bitterly about before. I wait for Ben to finish his endless work and I wish I could help him finish sooner. I wait for Duncan to straighten back up, never expecting that he would have cracked first out of all of us.

I wait for the ghosts to come back but I haven't heard anything for ages.

Complimentary versus complementary.

Lunch is bruised apples with cinnamon-sugar in the cold sunshine and a well-weighted debate between PJ and I about how I feel we should maybe be doing more to support those of us flagging under the weight of endless quarantine, and he feels Duncan and anyone else who chooses now to start a fight should be frozen right out because we're all adults and insulting people is not the best way to go about this at all.

He wins for logic, I win for compassion. At least some things never change.

Someone to watch over (me).

It's weird how in when things are ticking along those of us who are damaged or perpetually wrecked are supported and held up by those who seemingly have their shit together and then when something catastrophic happens those of us who are damaged somehow pull together and make a herculean one-eighty and lift up those who had their shit together, until they suddenly didn't anymore.

Ben is like that.

So is Daniel.

And Batman.

But probably not me, as I am chaotic truthful on a good day, and not too great in a crisis, it turns out.What I am good at though, is sounding alarms when I see a limb flop off the edge of the wagon, it's tip dragging on the ground, be it a finger or toe. The owner of said appendage will assure me it's fine, not a problem, but my brain followed by my mouth will being to shout that there's a problem.

(Wow, that paints a glorious picture of an eight-year-old girl, sticky jam-braids and all, running around the kitchen island and out into the yard, yelling WEEEEE WOOOOO WEEEEE WOOOO like she's an ambulance.)

(And that's exactly what I did.)

Duncan said I was being foolish and alarmist, that he's fine. That everything's fine and he has it under control but that's what they all say just as everything goes to shit. He put his arms around me and gave me his best charming Lizard King smile and I didn't fall for it (WEEEE WOOOO) and he's angry at me for jumping to the inevitable conclusion and it will be followed by remorse and he will seek forgiveness and open back up soon, I hope.

In the meantime, now I'm 'always fucking in the way', 'an endless tease', and 'a spoiled brat'.

A deep shuddering breath and an attempt to remind myself that it's not my friend talking, it's his alter-ego, the Drunk Lizard, who is a flaming asshole frankly, but it's difficult because they speak the truth when liquid fire burns away their core values, leaving them craven angry souls looking for temporary comfort in permanent times.

And I hate it. But so does he and so my comfort today is in knowing there is a whole host of sponsors and support here within, and that we're no longer going to worry about the houses keeping separate anymore because we can't afford it. Fools rush in where angels fear to tread, don't they?

Ironic. All this solvency and I can't buy the things I need. 

So much hidden baggage in one post I might need a rolling cart.

A visit from the young Russian doc yesterday evening revealed the cause of my fever to be a simple ear infection and both Caleb and Lochlan practically hit the floor in relief.

I wasn't worried. I'm a goddamned tank. I'll be looking after everyone until the bitter end. It's what I do. I've graduated to delivering hot lunches to everyone's desks each day just after noonish and tea after two. I've taken over several chores and I've done great, ear infection and fever or not.

The doc declined to want to treat this, telling me to take paracetamol and to take it easy. He stares at Caleb the entire time he says this, as if it's Caleb's fault we don't have a team of militarized housekeepers to do things so that I'm not doing them, as I should be treasured.

This is the same man who told me I should invest in a lot of plastic surgery to be perfect and offers it every. single. visit.

God, I hate them all.

Lochlan's done with the doctor and walks out. We can deal with an ear infection. I will slow down. I need to stop mothering perfectly-capable boys and I need to take care of myself a little better.

(Okay a lot but I have a hard time with that.)

I'm glad it's not anything worse. And I know I have to take care now not to get rundown but we're not testing for anything because I'm okay, and because others need it more. And I'm not listening to any of the told-you-sos that asked me to pack up my world and move to Rhode Island, Montauk or Portugal, respectively because well, let's not talk about US healthcare or what I know about Portugese health care but I want to be home and we should be home and so we are home, and home we'll stay.

Besides, Duncan is falling off the wagon and they're not seeing it. And travelling while that's happening sucks worse than anything. I did it with Ben once and it made things ten times worse.

No surrender, no surprise.

Where did you go?
You're still in my mind
Still light of May
Shone from your eyes
Can you see this out?
Can you see this out?

The best thing about Caleb is that in the early hours, and in the mornings, he is a different cut, affectionate and loving, gentle and kind. There's something about the remains of the day poisoning his blood, making him crazy, making him seek out someone to punish, usually himself if you stay out of his way. You, if you get in it. His soul will come pouring out to suffocate you. He is the very definition of tormented.

Or maybe he's just afraid of the dark. I don't dare ask as his arms slide around my back, pulling me in close against him. I feel him exhale against me, clutching me tight, kissing my hair, my face, my neck, forcing my face up so he can kiss underneath my jawline before landing on the prize of my lips.

You're here.

You're awake.

I heard you in the hall.

Good ears, holy.

I can sense you, that's all. 

He smiles against my mouth, here in the predawn, and I close my eyes. It's like being locked in a vise. It's a different kind of affection from the physically strongest person I know.

Stay until morning. Please, Neamhchiontach.

I nod and his arms tighten, rolling me onto my back, my face forced up once again as he kisses down my throat, pulling his arms out to work at taking off my clothes. Once he has enough things off he pulls me back up against him, biting my lower lip gently on his way past, jutting his chin against the top of my head, hurting beautifully.

He does not stop until I shudder against him and then he relaxes just enough, not letting go. I am asleep in seconds, breathing evenly against his shoulder and the last thing I hear is his usual whisper before I go under. Is tú mo ghrá-

Níl, Diabhal.

When I wake up the spell is broken, the bitterness of the new day beginning to seep back in around the edges with the petrichor.  

Go back to your love.  Get out. English, so there's no mistake.

I remember eternity.

Woke up the house this morning playing the piano for I Remember, though I may have been singing just a little (okay it was loud) because if one good thing has come out of this quarantine, it's that Les Friction came out of retirement and I might have screamed out loud when I got the Youtube notification. Four years of absolute silence and I was sure they had ghosted me, but I didn't give up on them, and now here I am back in my Sunday-hole, listening to music that slices my skin open and runs it's icy fingers over my skull so lovingly I would succumb if not for the hope for more of the same.

Everyone had to be up anyway. Lochlan wants to play Alyx (I played it last night with the Oculus and WOOOOOOW, I landed on my face trying to get an upclose view of the bug under glass and then took off running around the city like a maniac), Ruth had an online rollerskating sale to peruse and Henry has to work.

(Boy that sucks, let me tell you and I'd rather he didn't go but he also is okay with it and likes the dangerous work pay add-on he gets so eh. I can't be a helicopter mom here. Not right now anyway.)

I've already Facetimed with Sam and Matt and am jealous of their flannel-covered early morning, hair tousled, beards coming in hot, gorgeous bookends with no middle. Their story is their own but we're all figuring if they can remain hunkered in a small cottage (okay, it's not small, exactly) together for weeks then we're good. They're good. Everything will be okay.

Sam said he absolutely hates not being able to touch me (I don't think he meant in that way) and Matt smiled at him, nodding. Not sure but I think that may have been an early Easter miracle anyway as Matt used to look off into the distance and fight to keep his expression neutral.

Sam says God will protect us, and my fever is only 102. Hallelujah.

Maybe to make sure you were okay.

Floodlight dreams go drifting past
All the lines we could've had
Distant loves floating above
Close these eyes, they've seen enough

Caught the butterfly, broke its wings then put it on display
Stripped of all its beauty once it could not fly high away
Oh, still alive like a passerby overdosed on gamma rays
Another god's creation destined to be thrown away

Oomph, I think Gigaton is winning the race for my heart, a full twenty-percent block I set aside for weekly new music or books or art or anything that just barges in through all the scar tissue and starts plucking at the strings holding everything together, threatening to tear it all apart with beauty.

Seven O'Clock, in particular. This is a song like Black. This song doesn't let up, though it's a slow starter. Retrograde is another. I am so content with this album that seems to bridge the gap between his solo efforts, like the soundtrack for Into The Wild, and Pearl Jam classic frenetic and angry works. Eddie Vedder should voice audiobooks, though if he isn't singing I daresay I don't want to hear it. But I can hear, with Ben's headphones, the true sound of his age now. All men's voices deepen and slow down at this age. It's actually a wonderful thing, all unpredictable sparks now tempered with experience. This is a perfect Lochlan-album. He will love it.

He is sleeping though. Begging me off with a mumbled comment, something about noon. I got up, let the dog out, put the laundry in, made coffee, got a long sleepy hug from the Devil, who isn't up either but managed to find words to ask me to stay (I didn't but he was asleep again in seconds) and am plotting a nice long day of painting and listening to this album while the rain pours outside. Though I will probably temper this with Moving Walls, Matthew Good's latest, though it's a tougher listen because instead of plucking strings it just stabs, relentlessly.

(Oh my God The Heights. It hurts so good.)

***

I watch them at dinner, and after. We grabbed a trayful of junkfood last night, intending to get Birds of Prey and enjoy a fun movie night but instead we slogged through 3/4 of Chernobyl, an event that took place easily yesterday. It's not a feel-good project, that's for sure. Caleb was twenty-four when it happened. Lochlan twenty. I was newly fifteen years old and headed like a freight train for Cole, not looking at the news, just bitter and broken-hearted over losing Lochlan still and determined to stick it to him so good he'd regret it for the rest of his life.

I did. I regretted it too though and so did absolutely everyone but in the end the events of that entire year and beyond became the history-glue that made this Collective what it is today.

Whatever that is. A bunch of sleepy boys not interested in engaging a rainy Pacific Saturday and a girl with a bottomless cup of coffee and broken ears to match her heart.

Colossal but with tiny arms.

Both albums that came out today, In This Moment's Mother and Pearl Jam's Gigaton (I called it Gigatron all last week in error whoops) are masterpieces.

I listened to them both a few times over with Ben's headphones while he worked and I drew in a chair beside him. That's what I do now. I draw or watch Netflix. I'm about to pick up the knitting I all but abandoned in 2017 and have hardly touched since and not once but twice I put on the inflatable T-Rex suit and went out for a run from the patio to the pool and back, much to the delight of everyone who was surprised by it.

Why not?

I got permission to loop around the neighbourhood but that thing is honestly super-hot and heavy and I'm not sure how far I would make it, but it's a sure-fire way to crawl out of a burgeoning panic attack and so that's what I did.

Sam was very proud of my ingenuity (via facetime. I hate facetime now.) and said I have a gift for entertaining people.

I was like DUDE. I'M A CIRCUS PERFORMER. That's who we are.

But honestly throwing on a costume is hardly entertainment. If Lochlan would hurry up and put up the lines and if it stops raining then I'll be a dinosaur-funambulist but until either of those things happen I'm just a bored T-Rex going for a run.

I wonder if I still fit in the box.

If there's ever an emergency, he said, holding my face in his hands, something he only ever did when it was very important for me to pay close attention and Listen Hard, I want you to meet me at the wheel. If I'm not there yet I will be as soon I can but you need to stay there and wait for me, okay?

I nod. I don't know what an emergency is, here in amusements. Is that like when I need to pee in the middle of the night and so we have to get dressed and he must walk me to the washroom facilities? He never complained about that, not even once.

Do you understand? 

What's an emergency here? 

What are emergencies at home? 

House fires. Blizzards. Maybe tornadoes. 

Right. Or civil unrest. 

Chesterfields?

No, civil means people and unrest means riots. 

People-riots. 

Right, people-riots. If that happens and you see people hurting each other, crawl under the gear box at the wheel and hide. 

But how will you know I'm there if there's a chesterfield going on?

Civil unrest, and I will look in the box. 

Okay. 

Okay. I burst into tears.

Don't be scared, Bridget. We'll be fine. 

How? 

We can steal what we need and as long as we're together everything is okay.

***

Where'd you go just now? Lochlan is staring at me from his spot across from me in the big chairs by the window. I check my expression, gone slack from a daydream.

The wheel. 

Which one, Peanut? 

The first one. It's in my head. 

Did you go for safety? He asks quietly. He knows me so well. Crazy and all.

Yes.

Theatreacle (sic): Acting sweet to get what you want.

I painted my nails green, put in all of my diamond earrings and then pulled on my technical gear to go for a run with Ben, grabbing my favourite running shoes (my old green Sauconys from like 2008 shhhhhh I love them, they're WRECKED) and then promptly got turned back around by Lochlan, who told me my nails were nice but I should probably change, because I wouldn't be leaving the grounds for a run anytime soon.

This is what a third class relic must feel like, I told him as he turned me around, steering me toward the stairs. Touching greatness, touching freedom and veneration only to be stamped with a hindering label preventing it from ever BEING greatne-

Bridget, stop. You can be as dramatic as you like, you're not going out into the neighbourhood. Neither is Benjamin.

We wouldn't go near anyone. 

I'd really rather you stay around the house. He bends down and gives me a tender, patient and understanding kiss. Sigh.

Under resin, attached to a Happy Catholic bookmark from a rack behind the door of that chintzy lace shop in the French Quarter or something-

Oh my God. You should have been an actress. 

Well, it helped once upon a time, didn't it. 

It did. It really did, he conceded. What about if we set up a slackline out back?

Fixed. And shoulder-height. Not this three-feet-off-the-ground shit. 

That's not for you. It's for them. 

Right. Okay, two then. One bounce, one fixed. 

Done. After my call. 

When is that?

Noon. And I can't believe you remember that shop. 

I still can't believe they put the saints behind the door! 

The croissants were good from the next place over though. 

I still have dreams about those. 

Maybe we can make some. 

We never do. 

But we can, and that's the best part. 

I know. I have gratitude. But I have wanderlust too and there's room for both in my heart today. 

I love you so much. 

I hope so, Locket, or all of these dramatics are positively wasted on you.

My flannel best.

PJ has spring-cleaned his closet, deep-conditioned his hair and beard and is playing Saudi Arabian grindcore right now and it's not half-bad. He says he's going to clean and condition his boots and wallet and coat today and I was going to join him to clean up my Doc Marten boots and switch the winter coats into storage now that they're all clean and mended but it's freezing and they're calling for a little snow tonight so instead I'll just marvel at how pulled together he is and now how glossy his hair and boots are. Damn. He would have made the best husband if only he didn't find me so fucking annoying all the time.

(Likewise, dipshit.)

What is this? Caleb walks in and indicates the music, bursting into a goofy smile when he sees PJ's head wrapped up in a huge towel. Did I interrupt a spa day?

Join me, Brother, PJ asks him earnestly. We're spring cleaning our very...existences, man.

Depends, what's in it for me? 

Clear skin, shiny locks, and an eerie calm feeling like you don't have to wonder if your deoderant's working or when you last washed your jeans. PJ looks so pleased.

These are things you worry about?

You don't? 

Not really. Caleb is back to business, dismissing PJ with a wink, addressing me. Ready?

For what?

It's Tuesday. We're going for a drive to see the cherry blossoms and I need to pick up some paperwork. 

It's 2020. They can email it. Or hell, take pictures and text you. 

Not everything can be done that way but I appreciate your efforts. They are, however, having someone run it out to the car. And I need company for the drive. 

Okay, let me get my things.

And change. 

Why? 

Because Hello Kitty pajama pants aren't all that cute outside the house. 

Pretty sure you're the only one who thinks that, Caleb. Aw PJ. I really do love him to pieces.

Paul Barton, I'm coming for your job.

That's all I'm looking at online these days. Piano for elephants. I can play piano, hell, I can play a mean Pachelbel or a Liszt , if you prefer and I'm going to take over for Paul when he retires. The piano is closer to my size anyway. It'll be great. Packing my shit now, see you soon.

***

August is moving in effective this morning. The only thing he'll miss about living alone is not sharing a kitchen (no one's going to eat his weird chai pudding, I don't know why he's so concerned) and his beautiful hanging bed, which will be abandoned however briefly for a sturdy pine four-poster that will hold him just fine.

(Gage has his own bed, don't worry. We always keep a furnished spare room for guests and such. This room is removed slightly from the living quarters so it's a true guest suite. It's tucked off the library with an ensuite and separate entrance into the front garden. It's nice. I hardly ever see it.)

He is relieved but a little surprised at the strange turn of events. I mean, they all are lately, aren't they? Every event seems like a mockery of real life these days, every new story a caricature of  something tangible, but not quite.

He is firmly in the 'Against' camp but was an easy approval to bring in only because he doesn't leave the grounds. At all.

I'm in the Against camp too. Don't bring me a Collective and then rip them away without closure. Don't deny me my boys. Even to bounce ideas off for writing or deciding on paint colors or just sharing music.

Others in the Against camp are Batman and New Jake, who don't go out either. Batman has groceries delivered and works nonstop from home. New Jake polishes his motorcycles and kitesurfs all day long (we're...not sure exactly what he does anymore but he's a mean chimney sweep and also has his gas ticket now and is helpful and fun and a good conversationalist and I guess he works for Batman and sometimes Sam but I no longer see how, truth be told. They tend to be happier when we're apart.)

Daniel is Against. He needs people. He's like me. Affection is oxygen, touch is blood running through our veins.

Andrew and Christian are For isolation. They're concerned and they're newlyweds.

Gage doesn't care. Hahahaha. I'm not surprised. Gage flows like a river.

Schuyler is in the For camp. He's travelled extensively this spring already. He picks up groceries and take-out. He's scared to death he's going to give it to Daniel. He's scared he might get it or have it or transmit it. He was the first one to bring up the idea, apparently, even though I'll go to my grave blaming Caleb for it, but at the same time if now is the time to do this, then it's far too late.

I am their biggest fear with my endless colds. My penchant for pulling pneumonia out of thin air every eighteen months like a parlour trick. My intense wanderlust, my need to get out of the house and at least get what we need at least twice a week and do stupid things like forgetting about germs or replying politely when people speak too close, because I lean in in order to hear them better.

So this is for me. 

Everyone in this house is in the For camp, in other words.

It's not as if I'm going out and trying to live business as usual. The only time I leave the house is once a week for groceries, with help and once a week for drugstore/sundry errands, most of which have been cut back so far I may be able to roll that in with groceries. My wanderlust shouts at me in the background somewhat constantly and sometimes it's so loud I want to drown myself.

We need food and we're perfectly able-bodied so I won't be putting a strain on delivery services or any other human beings right now. This is my family, I will get our food.

Caleb's right. Schuy's right, Bridge. You can't go out anymore. 

What am I supposed to do, Locket. Risk someone else? 

No, PJ and I will go. We're healthy. We'll take precautions.

You won't buy broccoli though. 

That's right. It's disgusting. I'll get corn, though. He laughs but he looks concerned.

The irony. This is the same man that more than once brought me to tears, threatening to ground me from the nightly fireworks show at close of day if I didn't eat the broccoli trees that were still on my plate. The same one who told me the world wasn't safe and to stand behind him and we're still struggling with this decades later.

I'm now home for the duration of whatever this is, or until the elephant videos and the music runs out.

Then I'm running. Screaming.

Jake would have hated this turn of events in the world. But he would have hated everything that happened before it too-

Bridget. Ben says my name, a warning as he watches my brain derail into a field, blowing the townsfolk to kingdom come.

WHAT?

All the same.

Early Jesus Brunch this morning to replace early service, as it's cancelled indefinitely and we're making absolute epic feasts over here these days, but only once a day so if you miss it or want something later, you're on your own. The house is spotless. Now the gardens are spotless. The trucks have all been washed, waxed and detailed and now I'm looking at learning how to give better haircuts at home because I'm a novice by far and not everyone here wants long flowing locks.

In the meantime, Sam stood at the centre of the long table on the patio this morning as we all reached out to take the hands of the people on our left and right, clasped tightly, bowing our heads for his words of grace. He asked for patience, protection and peace for all of us and for everyone we love and know and everyone suffering or afraid right now, he said a prayer for contentment, fortitude and acceptance and he spoke about helping and then he asked that we all take a moment sometime in the coming days to seek out the person most generous in our lives, pointing out that for him and many others, that person is me, for allowing the Collective to be together in good times and in difficult ones, for providing a roof over their heads, food for their hunger and companionship and leadership for their days. Cultivating friendships such as this is a gift from God and so is Bridget, apparently.

Caleb stands up, drops Ben's and Duncan's hands and walks away, heading inside without a word. Sam says that people deal with stress differently and that we can also seek out Caleb and anyone else who is struggling right now but that we should thank God for what we are about to eat to replenish our souls and our bodies, for strength for the week ahead.

We ate, we talked, we passed the honey jar and the raspberry jam and we all cleaned it up together, taking dishes inside and talking in small groups. Once the dishwasher was started and everyone seemed ready to drift off to the four corners of the point, Ben to a virtual meeting, Lochlan to the camper, where he's cleaning it up for summer, I went to find Caleb, who was on the phone. I turned to go back out but he motioned for me to wait. When he's finished I pay attention. Today, it's free.

That was Schuyler. 

Is he alright-

He's fine. We've made the decision to isolate the houses here, from each other, just to be safe. That will include the Boathouse and the Loft-

I have to address the immediate glaring emergency and do the rest in order. August will move in, then. This morning.

Where are you going to put him? 

Gage's old room. Poor Gage, who went to Schuyler's, then the Boathouse then back here then back to Schuyler's. He's easygoing though, God bless him.

Caleb nods.

Nice way to try and keep Sam away. 

It's not. 

Okay. Whatever, I'll go say my goodbyes. 

It's effective immediately, Neamhchiontach. No goodbyes. Facetime only.

Oh my FUCK, Diabhal. 

Lochlan and I have been talking about this for a few days now. 

You're really going to drag him into this? 

We're all in this, Bridget. Except maybe your selfish preacher. 

He isn't selfish-

The hell he isn't. 

You are, though.

Maybe I'm just reflecting you, Bridget. 

Everyone is generous (to a fault).

Lochlan held my face and my eyes flew open. It's so late. I was just about too deeply asleep to notice when he touched me but not too deeply, thankfully.

He leans down and kisses me and tells me to be quiet. Then he laughs, and puts all of his weight on me. I cry out and he swallows the sound with another kiss, pulling my arms around his neck, forcing his hands underneath me, pulling me up away from the bed. It was more forceful and less sweet then usual but not too unusual because sometimes he is extra-hungry. He finally ends up with one hand around the back of my neck and one around my hips and we find our common ground. He bends his head down against my forehead and gives me one long kiss, says he loves me and then he's gone.

And then Sam is here. Pulling me up to a sitting position, Lifting me into his lap, giving me a whole different kind of kiss, one that says I didn't touch you yesterday or even the week before. It's been five or six months and he isn't about to waste a second. I cry out and he shifts position, lifting me up again, putting me down on my stomach, pushing my head down with his hand, while his other hand pushes against the small of my back while he drives against me. I want to cry. A pattern so familiar but so far away. I didn't think he would touch me again, never expected him to, frankly and I wonder how he got to this place tonight, and where Matt is, and what happens tomorrow.

Matt is sleeping, Sam says and I don't think about it anymore.

So is Ben, I point out, and he laughs.

Grief is a one-way street, she said and I didn't forget that.

I missed all of the movies last night, including The Outsiders AND Footloose. I'm so disappointed at myself but I settled in tight between Ben and Lochlan on the couch and I was out. Asleep hard. Fuck. I didn't get any pizza (Henry helpfully ate my slice after Lochlan pointed out I was zonked) and was sent to bed when the credits rolled. This is nothing new but I'm hoping to stay awake tonight for 2020 movie night. I don't know what's out though, except for The Hunt. I'd like to see that. Hell, sometimes I'd like to participate in it. With circa-2006 Bridget, not the shell of her that exists now. I don't think she could wield a weapon, let alone find her way out of a wet paper bag. Things have changed.

And welcome, listeners to a sunny Friday morning here on the point. Your girl Little Bee has had no sleep, save for what took place when I could have been watching Kevin Bacon dance (God, Lochlan was SO JEALOUS of my Kevin Bacon infatuation when I was 12 and Loch was 17 and now it seems funny) and I'm feeling a little down this morning, opening a browser with a wail that every inch of every thing I read each morning is covered in a virus. 

Caleb promptly banned me from the Internet. Lochlan quickly amended it to the news and social media parts of the Internet. Fine by me, my blog is also a one-way street though after listening to so many podcasts as of late (I am struggling with Limetown because the player wants to jump to season 2 episodes all the damn time and if I get distracted and let it load automatically I can't follow it because it's at the end suddenly.)  I'm so tempted to try my hand at it, and just talk to you.

There are problems with this plan.

Firstly, if you've ever heard deaf people talk you'll get this. My hearing was there at birth and not as bad as it is in adulthood so I can pronounce my words more easily than you might expect. But I'm loud and highly inflective because I can't hear my own voice, which means not only will you think I'm yelling at you and way too enthusiastic about whatever it is, but it's ridiculously expressive and almost comically sing-song if singing was always a sharp or flat and never on key or on time.

Right. Off-key sing-song with weird timing and loud. I've been assured it's compelling and sweet (RIGHT). I can quash it half to bits when necessary, like when meeting someone new and I feel like I make myself sound like a robot.

Secondly,  if I started a podcast what would I talk about? Myself? Nothing? Grief? Sure, it's the only thing I'm an expert on, unless you count my award-winning multi-time consecutive Sugar-Babying gigs that are ongoing. I could talk about that but Caleb wouldn't appreciate it and would probably draft me a C&D before supper.

If I did a podcast, what would I talk about, Locket? I ask him mid-word.

He doesn't even hesitate. The show. Talk about your time on the circuit. Talk about the highwires and the crowd and the costumes and the mental preparation. 

Only with all of Cirque newly laid off I bet I wouldn't be the only one.

Talk about Jacob. My brain screams and I smack it back, hard. No. That's for me. 

Talk about boys, PJ offers helpfully.

Right. So I can just read my blog out loud then?

If you want, he shrugs. I don't think PJ understands me at all anymore.

Sam comes in and a surprise kiss lands on the top of my head. Talk about secular faith in trying times, he says and Caleb says his name, drawing his attention.

We're not talking about news today, he warns.

Ah, Sam says. Neither was I.

Get tough and nothing can hurt you. Not even the bread shelf.

A distortion pedal and a pair of wings
An anthem played on broken strings

The distancing is for me. Want to hear the shopping-cart-handle-licker story?

Well, I cut my finger just as I started shopping two weeks ago for groceries. The shelves are sharp and I reached back to one side for English muffins. When I pulled my hand out with my prize I had sliced right down the side of the nail on my index finger on my left hand. It started bleeding straight away so I did what I always do, I stuck my finger in my mouth. With my other hand I frantically checked all of my pockets and my bag for a stray tissue or a bandaid, finding neither. And the store was so hectic I didn't want to commandeer an employee to deal with the sharp shelf or find me a bandaid. I don't need to buy bandaids (I have thousands. At home!) and so I did my entire shop with my finger in my mouth. By the time I had to pay it had mostly stopped bleeding and yeah. If anyone caught a virus from a shopping cart handle at this point if it isn't me I'd be surprised. But that was two weeks ago and I have since recovered down to just a mildly-stuffy nose and there are five bandaids and two folded up tissues in my purse all the time now. But yes, I've probably single-handedly murdered every senior or compromised person with my germs within a forty-mile radius because I made an automatic motion. So it's manslaughter, not murder, in my defense. I'm sorry.

Never said I wasn't a walking calamity now, did I?

***

Today's special activity is brought to you by Dalton and Duncan, as we are taking turns trying to lift each other's spirits and make being home even more magical and wonderful than it is on a daily basis by planning surprises or out of the ordinary things. This is Retro Weekend (but on a Thursday) and it includes all eighties fun all day followed by eighties movies and snack foods tonight in a giant new blanket-fort we have built in the theatre room.

We're all wearing eighties fashion (which is funny, except for Caleb who came down as a greaser, and pointed out the Outsiders film came out in the eighties, sparking a huge debate on films versus books (the book came out before Lochlan was born even). Anything goes, I guess. I had to steal one of Ruthie's ringer t-shirts and rollerskating shorts. The shirt says Let's All Summon Demons and Caleb questioned that too, saying no one did that in the eighties.

That's what you think, Lochlan says and I wonder right now if we'll even make it to the movie activity part of the day or if they're just going to murder each other first.

Perhaps I should threaten to lick them.

We pretty much always live like this.

I have news fatigue and therefore have put on a pretty linen spring dress, no shoes and left my hair to curl up lazily around my shoulders and it looks like Lochlan's hair when it gets so long the curls come out, weighed down by the length.

And freeze my toes off in the kitchen because it's minus two outside and PJ burned the eggs and so he's opened the windows.

Peej, Christ!

Gimme a sec, he rumbles. PJ isn't conversational until at least his third cup of coffee. I finished a second cup yesterday at three pm and took a sleeping pill and was still up all night. I don't know how he does it.

I wait five seconds, eyebrows raised. He goes around closing all the windows and points out a little fresh air if good if one is properly dressed and someone definitely isn't. 

If it's like yesterday it will be eighteen degrees by after lunch. I remind him, since yesterday I was wearing lined jeans and a black hoodie and was so hot I practically melted.

You have a cold. You should stay warm.

It's getting better. 

Right and rush too much and it'll come back. 

He's so bickery I turn my attention to Caleb who does a small double take at all the tattoos visible suddenly and the dress and asks me if I'm warm enough as he makes a coffee. His altruistic demeanor is amusing considering a week ago when I developed a runny nose and the world's driest cough he lost his mind, mostly because Lochlan wouldn't let him near me.

I am. I may go get socks and a sweater though.

If you put on some warm things we can take a walk.

Where? 

Beach, field. You decide. 

Both? And the pool. And maybe up the road towards town and-

Let's start slowly. Go.

I run upstairs, chuck the dress overhand into the closet and find black fleece leggings and a longsleeve black Lamb of God (perfect timing!) t-shirt, black socks and a black clip for my bangs, which are driving me batshit crazy.

Ah. You look like you now. 

I almost wipe out in surprise. He hates these outfits.

I meant defiant and dark. I'm not condoning the choice of attire, just pointing out it's predictable. 

I wait for more. What a backhanded compliment.

It's warm, he settles on finally and I nod.

It is.

Let's go then. 

We start out on the left side of the property if you're facing the sea, walking up the driveway and out onto the road, and past Schuyler and Dan's, past Batman's house, heading down around Batman's driveway to the yard, through the trees, and across to the pool, then down to the cliffs, across the fence and then finally to the beach. Smart, as Caleb knows I'll comb every inch of the beach and if I start there I never make it anywhere else, running out of time or patience or oxygen (the coughing). Or he runs out of time. Or Lochlan runs out of good graces or patience or common sense.

The waves are crispy, icy and fresh. The wind on the water takes bites from my soul, leaving tiny teeth marks in halfmoon patterns, tasting the despair and the hope too. Bittersweet. I dunk my hands in the water and sit back on my legs, hunched over to be as close as I can without soaking my shirt or my leggings. Caleb stands back further but close enough that if I pitch face first into the sea he'll be able to reach down and pluck me out of the surf.

I stand up finally, not looking out into the ocean or into his eyes (close enough with their medium blue today) but at the smallest rocks to sweep for glass or shells when my eye catches light.

Is it jewelry? No, it's a silver dollar. From the eighties. I used to have one actually-

Look for more, maybe. He looks amused.

I stare at him briefly and then do as instructed. All OVER the beach he has tucked silver dollars into the rocks, under logs and into holes in driftwood. At one point he asks me to count them and I fail to clue in. At another he offers me his hankerchief, and I tie them up in a neat weighty bundle.

How many do you have now, Neamchiontach?

Nineteen, I tell him and he nods.

So, a final sweep and then we'll go up and show off your treasure? 

You think there's more?

Possibly.

How many more could there be?

Maybe one more.

You think I missed one. I clue in, at last.

Yes, you've missed one. He laughs and indicates the last bonfire and I run to it. Sure enough, in the centre, under the ashes and cinder peeks out another flash of silver light.

Twenty.

That's it then.

That's like an Easter egg hunt but way better.

I thought you might enjoy that.

I did! Except I think I made a terrible mistake.

How?

If I had left the coins where you planted them, the tide would have come in later and watered them and they would have grown into money trees. 

God. Your brain.

The whole thing is like a parable for greed-

Neamhchiontach.

Yes?

Coins don't grow into money trees.

But WHAT IF THEY DO and we never knew?

Fake glass in case of emergency.

I am stocked up on bird feeder suet and furnace filters and LED lightbulbs for the foreseeable future. I forget to change the furnace filter for almost a year and wow. It was almost black. Oops. I can't remember everything.

The eye doctors and dentists and piercers  and stores have all closed that I enjoy. So no upcoming medical appointments or shopping and I refuse to go for my mammogram, because the first time I went, two years ago, it came back all wrong and the followup appointment was for after Christmas and it was very stressful. Somehow it feels less stressful to do my own self-checks. Something I never forget. Your health is not a furnace filter, and health seems to be all anybody talks about these days.

We went grocery shopping this morning and faced a large amount of vitriol from the gathered crowd, even as we left a lot off our list, as items were limited and are limited, with or without signs so we carefully took one of each thing instead of many. But we buy a heaping two or three carts every week so suddenly people think we're hoarding. Which is horrible and I never want to go back but honestly we go through a lot of food here on the point. There are twenty adults living here fulltime. If I need three packs of toilet paper rest assured it will only last a week.

But you can only buy one, so the other households have been splintered off to get their own.

And no. 

Don't suggest Costco.

I won't go in there. I hate it so much. I've had memberships twice in my life. The hassle isn't worth the savings, even for a household my size. Superstore is good for bulk and the other little stores scattered up and down the hill good for everything else.

What else? This is the first day everyone is home and I didn't have a plan for the extra meals so I may have to go back to the store tomorrow. Help me.

(For those saying Let them get their own: Have you seen how the average guy grocery shops? Some frozen chicken wings and a loaf of bread. A case of chocolate ice cream. Naw, I still have a centimetre of toothpaste left. Oh, chocolate milk too. And Froot Loops. 

But no plain milk for the Froot Loops. Dude, you'll run out of toothpaste on Wednesday and hey, did you forget you're lactose intolerant? Oh, and those twelve chicken wings will feed one person one meal. But you were saying?)

At least the new Lamb of God single is out and it's fucking delicious. I can eat that. Perfect. It's called Memento Mori, which means Remember you will die.

What timing.
 

This is what I mean.

I  would say the majority of people hate the things I love. Anything that makes you hurt. Makes you feel. Makes you scared or angry or sad. Makes you feel something for someone or something else in time, and that to me, as referenced by my title yesterday, which made perfect sense to me and no one else, is the hallmark of an incredible creation.

This week I finished the third book that made me place it on the table, smooth the cover and then promptly burst into tears.

(The others? Sole Survivor by Dean Koontz (don't knock it til you read it) and The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon by Stephen King, a book I recently reacquired and can't wait to reread.)

This third book? The Tattooist of Auschwitz by Heather Morris. I saw it in passing over Christmas and put it on my Must-Read list and Lochlan bought it for me, as he has always tried to foster a love of reading as big as his own in me and not only am I slow on a page but I'm narcoleptic so I sleep more than I read when I pick up a book and stop moving.

I read this sitting up in bed late at night with all the lights on in order to stay focused. He had to sleep somewhere else because I couldn't put it down and then when I finally did I cried so hard. So hard.

I didn't know it was a true story, refusing to read a thing about it until I had read it, proper. I didn't even register the dedication at the outset, on the page right before the story begins and I am crushed. It unfolded more in the acknowledgements, the interview at the end and the aftermath and if not for a curiosity about the author's need to write this I never would have found out.

What a good book. Holy. Give me more of those.

My favorite everything is moving, profound.

Though the winds of change may blow around you
But that will always be so
When love is pain it can devour you
If you are never alone
I would share your load

Church is cancelled for the next three Sundays and Sam is hoping for a Palm Sunday miracle to resume services, as his congregation is evenly split between rich young money and very old people who still disapprove mightily of Unitarian hippie Jesus vibes while demanding tradition hymns in with the Christian rock music, at least. Sam's been walking an easy tightrope for years, able to manage both groups and conduct a fun church environment overall but at the same time there's fifty percent of your flock that don't even know what a podcast is, let alone how to google something on a computer.

If you sent them a link to their hotmail they'll call you on the phone and yell Now what? It opened a purple window and I heard God talking, or maybe it was Reverend Sam and it startled me so I threw my computer out the window. You owe me a new one. 

(This might have been an actual conversation, I'm not telling.)

I'm glad he cancelled. I wanted to get day-drunk anyway, after wasting an hour this morning transitioning back to my winter coats and bag, as it's below zero and still windy. I'm not interested in being cold. I'm waiting for endless heat, sunshine and forest fires to complain about and I was trying to embrace the nippy bonfire season with newly lighter sparkly nights as we march toward Ostara and every night I triumphantly announce that the sun went down two whole minutes later than last night, thank you very much and I feel so much lighter. I was trying to embrace but it's hard, so I'll go back to bed for two weeks and then try again in April.

Except I can't, because Matt is making us Socotranian breakfast wraps featuring spices from the port of Comandante Ferraz (going to have to rechristen them The Geography Boys but I didn't recognize either place so I'll rechristen myself Sheltered and I'll do my research after I'm done here, I only asked him for the spellings) and I'm pretty sure both my juice and my coffee hold more Devil than God at this point as he is famous for helping his guests relax by mixing lethal incendiary cocktails, with permission, of course. But they're good and I'm possibly the only one on the point who still drinks (we won't even talk about Ruth who came home around one-thirty this morning, set the alarm with a flourish, threw her leftover beers in the fridge and came up stairs calling good night.) and the food smells delicious, and I'm suddenly starving.

This is Matt's belated housewarming/welcome. Maybe it's a celebration of another, albeit hopefully smaller and less beautifully devastating wedding to come. Maybe it's confirmation that Bridget getting day-drunk makes her so easy to love you back or maybe it's because we've discovered strange new worlds we can daydream about running off to, with more time to get there now that the days are longer.

Breakfast is ready.

Social distancing but only from strangers.

Happiness comes today in the form of a new podcast* to start, an evening brandy planned for late but not too late, wind that never stops (just like at home) and the news that as of Tuesday, all the boys will be working from home.

Every. last. one.

Which I don't mind one bit and we are fully-stocked and full up on everything else that we might need and then some, in order to happily self-isolate here at home until the risk of this pandemic has abated. No one has it here (that we know of, except if anyone is likely to, it is I, your favourite shopping-cart-handle licker, and that's a long story) and frankly it's getting so crazy out there that it's better to stay put and not take chances when the thought of getting really sick again with a side of permanent lung damage makes me a little fearful, and a lot more careful, though it almost feels as if now is the safest time to go out. Everything has been cleaned to bare metal and no one is anywhere. We went to one of the larger malls because Lochlan needed some computer parts and holy cowwwwww it was empty and the Apple store was closed with four workers standing in front of the doors talking to anyone who approached because their motto is IT ISN'T FUCKING INTUITIVE Touch All The Things, but not today, because Coronavirus.

No one wants to touch anything, least of all me the pneumonia queen, and so I washed my hands once while I was there and used two different hand sanitizer stations because I have to hold on to escalators for dear life and not through a sleeve or jacket cuff, sorry.

I have a sharpened axe, some bubble wrap, a tiny keychain-sized pepper spray (it's for the feral hogs, Officer) and a piercing scream so stay the fuck away from me until Jesus emerges from hibernation and we'll be right as rain, okay?

*(Podcasts while drawing are a wonderful thing! I finished Gaslight first, then Blackout (which was SO GOOD until I turned on talk radio AM 98.0 and the announcer said Tell me what's happening where you are and it was the same thing Rami Malek said in Blackout and I almost drove off the road) and now I'm starting Limetown and I love it. Bring me all the dramatic radio shows, and please suggest more via email if you like.)

Walking backwards towards you.

Oh, ominous place spellbound and unchildproofed
My least favorite shelter bear alone
Compatriots in face they'd cringe if I told you
Our best back pocket secret
Our bond full blown

I have barely taken a sip of my coffee, heading over to the desk to work at budget stuff and shopping lists when I hear the intro notes of (Oh god, cheese) a slow song I love (Wunderkind, okay shoot me already the Chronicles of Narnia has an amazing soundtrack) playing over the sound system. Caleb is dialing it louder and louder and then he takes me in his arms and we have a waltz through the great room, him beginning with room for Jesus and by the time the song ends I figure if I take one more step closer I will have walked right through him and out the other side.

At the end he gets to his knees.

I'm so sorry, Bridget.

Which one of them threatened to kill you?

How many names did you want to hear? But that's not why I'm apologizing. Their words bounce off, I knew after I left you that I had crossed a line.

(He puts it so mildly. As if he conducted an impolite joke instead of a violent attack.)

A line, I repeat.

I broke all of my promises, Bridget. Again.

You did. She never trusted you anyway so it's okay. I let him off the hook. He can't actually do any further damage and this is the saddest part of our relationship, divided equally into two distinct time periods. Her and I. The child and the woman. And while I stand here I realize he can't even tell us apart.

And that's what scares them, and suddenly it scares me. 

Lochlan comes in then, startling when he sees Caleb on his knees, arms wrapped around my waist.

Go, he says abruptly, but I don't know if he means me or Cale. Caleb leaves and I watch Lochlan for a correction that never comes, mercifully.

He hurt you again? He's not allowed near you anymore. 

I'm fine. 

Right. Lochlan laughs with such a bitter edge I begin to bleed.

Love in the shadow of the pandemic.

His hair is wind-tousled from being outside, his belt buckle is skewed all the way to his belt loop on the right and his shirt is wrinkled. His grin is all teeth, however and I can't help but grin back at him. He is contagious.

I just want to say it's nice. Being wanted, not feel like the unwelcome Jesus-slinging reprobate all the damn time, instead everyone is fighting over who gets to cuddle me. It's like winning the lottery and I see now where some of them get their swagger.

Like who?

Lochlan.

I burst out laughing. Right.

Maybe Schuy.

Fair enough. I'm sorry about church.

If I had looked at that dress, Bridget, I would have turned to stone.

Oh I know. That's why I wore it.

I'll still be here. I'll even be available a little here and there. We're just getting reacquainted. And I didn't want to force Matt on the house before I knew if it would work this time.

And?

So far so good but as you can see we're trying to take it slowly.

I nod.

Do you want me to stay tonight?

What about Matt?

He understands if I leave for a crisis.

Is that what you're calling me these days?

Bridget-

Things were going really well and then you vanished and I didn't know how to handle it.

Why didn't you come to me?

You were busy with Matt. I make air-quotes around Matt's name and roll my eyes to be a brat. Sam ignores it.

Maybe I went about this the wrong way and I should have moved all the chairs and brought him right in and put him in your laps.

I mean, maybe? I don't know. I understand that you have to take it slowly. 

Logically you do but in your heart you're shouting. I can hear it from here. 

I'd rather be fixing you than me. 

About the Devil-

It's fine. He's fine. We're fine. It was just a moment. 

He keeps slipping up. If he can't control his emotions then what?

Then I dodge hellfire all damn day. At least he's hot. 

Is that an excuse to put up with things you shouldn't?

You tell me. I stick my tongue out and Sam laughs again, nodding, even though I'm pathetic as fuck.

Yeah. Well. I hear they cancelled hockey. 

They've cancelled everything. 

So what excuse will Joel have to come over now?

Oh, my own minister called me a crisis, so that's enough right there, for a bit.

I do love you, Bridge. And I miss you like crazy. But I do love him. And I think we got it figured out at last.

I'm happy for you, Sam. 

I'm happy for me too.

Swing from the endless trapeze.

Do I think Caleb will make good on his threat to lean on Lochlan to pressure me to stay away from Sam?

Of course.

Will Lochlan do it?

No. He follows Ben's School of Managing Bridgets and Home for Wayward Boys. Let her do what she wants, set her free, yadda yadda. Secure in the knowledge that I've never ever actually left Lochlan he rests. Will I leave him? Of course not. We're in this for life.

It'll probably kill me anyway so life could be days, could be weeks. And it's not so much that I've magically fallen in love with Sam but hell, the attention is nice and sure, I was infatuated pretty quick once he joined the Collective but he's not Jake and Caleb doesn't (er...didn't) have to worry about his own role or space within. (He might now, for no one takes kindly to violence. Or threats to deceive, for that matter so we're both fucked.)

They're pretty mad, and I'm still looking wistfully across the drive.

I want Sam to acknowledge that he isn't going to disappear forever. I want him to still be over-easy affectionate and scrambled love. I want him to be my breakfast snack. I want Matt to stop breaking his heart. I want Caleb to stop breaking mine. I want to be able to control other people all the while being completely unable to control myself and I want....

I want..

I want Caleb to stop giving me orders and remember that all of this is his fault.

Firsts (Don't read).

(They were concerned he might fall in love with me. While they were busy doing that, I fell in love with him. My fault, as ever.)

You're everything that's so typical
Maybe you're alone for a reason
You're the reason

Caleb wasn't as understanding as Lochlan. It's not so much that I don't want my Collective to find love on their own, without me, it's that Sam is fairweather in deed but loyal to the bone in words, it's that Matt has proven to be selfish and shortsighted. It's that Sam has already had his guts ripped out three times by this man and when he needed comfort he came to me.

All Caleb saw was that maybe I needed something that was missing and he took advantage. Locking the door, holding me against it, off the ground, by the throat, taking things I wasn't planning to give him, setting me back a thousand years in distancing myself from who we were back in the day when those things happened regularly, and there was a different power dynamic. He never fails to remind me that he is bigger, meaner, stronger and that if he squeezes hard enough he could put the lights out forever.

And I am to forget about Sam (slam, against the door).

And if I need anything I'm to go to him (Caleb). (slam again, I can see birds flying around my head).

And to stop teasing everyone when I'm otherwise committed to him (slam, and a world of blinding pain that kind of feels a little good, to be honest).

The squeeze is just hard enough to make breath the only thing I suddenly care about and everything else darkens into the background. When he is finished he just opens his hand and I drop to the ground, losing my footing, falling into a heap on the floor. He pulls me back up by my bad arm, squeezing it in the worst place and stands me up again. In my face. Rage still present and not dulled at all, typical Caleb, who can hold a grudge easily with one hand while punishing you with the other. You're supposed to let it go once you've made them suffer.

I snatch it out of his hands and tell him to leave me alone.

Waste your energies on someone who doesn't even have a stake in this and I'll leave you alone alright. I almost killed you just now. Don't think I won't. You're making us look like fools, Neamhchiontach.

Right. Neamhchiontach! Sam won't listen to reason so I resorted to visuals. So he doesn't forget what he already has here.

Stay away from them, Bridget.

You don't get to tell me-

I'll bring your husband in on it.

I'll cut my whole fucking ear off and tell them you did it. 

He comes back and puts his hand out. I flinch violently and his eyes soften as he tucks my hair behind my bad ear. Neamhchiontach, they wouldn't believe you anyway. If I wanted to hurt you, I would. If you keep up this tantrum over Sam, I will.  

You should have done it years ago. 

Would have missed too much fun.

Circles.

What did we talk about, Bridget? 

Fear of abandonment, Joel.

Cling forward.

(Hi, I need a therapist.)

(Actually, I told you I needed a lobotomy but you haven't listened.)

It's as if my brain and I have never met this morning, as it specifically chooses a teal wool, somewhat tight dress that will be warm for church that's also a little too much for church, if you get my drift. Sky-high nude patent heels and a loose chignon complete the look.

And my brain tells me, a virtual stranger, that we'll make that fucker salivate the entire time he's giving his sermon. As if Sam will be caught off-guard or even distracted by my looks when he has Matt sitting front and centre.

My soul sucks it up and reminds my brain not to be stupid, that three months into Matt's return, after almost a decade now of them running hot and cold (resulting in a tepid, untenable bath, I say) I am going to be professional and wish him the best and facilitate their relationship any way I can and not fuck it up because I'm missing Sam as a casual friend-with-benefit, or something like that.

Lochlan will agree with professional-me, but then again, they both tend to be jerks sometimes, and very disapproving when it comes to Tiny Wild Bridget, who was once told and then told again, in case she forgot, to do whatever she wanted. 

Lochlan and I are both cranky though. Losing an hour of sleep is like losing a lover (HA, drinking doubles over here), and Lochlan spent all night doing wet work, scraping my heart off the highway, off rocks and trees, off the sky, revealing the stars underneath, twinkling again. He brought the pieces home in a cart and spent the remainder of the dark hours putting them back together, welding some parts strongly while delicately stitching others, resulting in a tenuous organ that he presented to me at sunrise, with a stern reminder that I am going to continue to be happy for Sam and Matt, that I can suck it up and still get as many hugs and talks as I like, but that Sam needs this and wants this and I need to get out of the way. That any leftover energies wandering around the point looking for something to attach to can be turned inward, to us.

It was a jarring, stinging, harsh lecture that was sorely needed for perspective and my heart is grounded now, obeying a curfew and a crushing set of rules that it finds comforting and protective while my brain screams to LET HER OUT.

It's like Freaky Friday is taking place inside me, and my heart and brain have switched sides.

It's just grief, Lochlan says, but he can't take his eyes off this dress.

So wear it for him, my heart says kindly to my mind and I nod to no one in particular.

And then after the sermon, during his wrap-up notes and reminders and schedule for everything from the further cancellation of Children's Church and Walk In The Would programs, and considering putting sermons online (oh dear. We aren't techy. A podcast maybe?) so people can worship in the safety of their homes if need be right through Easter, Sam announced that he and Matt, after reuniting several months back, would be getting remarried this summer and to join him today in celebrating love in the modern age, a difficult yet rewarding journey that has been a rollercoaster-test of his faith and that he is very happy and wishes to share that happiness with everyone in his congregation. That they have worked together to forge a new future after several false starts, and he wanted them to hear it from him, instead of a mill churning out endless rumors, as our congregation has been known to do in the past.

Everyone clapped and cheered and I burst into tears. Lochlan looks at me and said, See? You're happy for them. You're crying. 

(Right. Because he didn't even tell us first.)

Fealty to, and from, a fool.

And you promise me
That you believe
In time I will defeat this
Cause somewhere in me
There is strength

And today I will trust you with the confidence
Of a man who's never known defeat
And I'll try my best to just forget
That that man isn't me

Sam left my heart burnt-out on the side of the road, abandoned in a remote part of the mountains so it will be days or even weeks before it's found, rubber all over the road from where he swerved, driving it without a license, without insurance, without permission.

No, I didn't.

Sure you did. I'm biting back tears. I refuse to let him see that I'm crushed and not angry.

I'm trying to fall in love. Like you did. And Matt's a stranger to the rest of you and since Lochlan's still on the fence about that and about me in general I knew it would be okay if I pulled back for a bit.

The smoke is pouring out from under the hood now. The doors are all open, flames lick the windows from the inside out. She's going to blow, better get back-

Right. Got it. I am clipped, biting my tongue so hard I'll be able to use it for an excuse if I can't dam this impending flood-

That's not to say that I don't miss you, Bridge. I'm just trying to make this work.

This is fine. (Taylor Swift quotes can stand in for me losing my shit.)

We can talk. It doesn't sound fine. I think you need-

I know what I need, Sam.

Everyone wants what you give them on a permanent scale. Give me my chance.

I am. I did. Matt has nothing to do with me. I feel used. He comes along and you don't love me anymore.

Oh, baby, no. I love you. Look, you still hold precedence over him. Burning building, you know. He smiles kindly, that's how I know they lie.

My heart blows up then, a homemade bomb, sending stitches exploding outward, blood soaking the trees, turning the dirt road black underneath his feet, my furloughed, original memory thief, no longer trusted with my thoughts, my body or my faith.

And it hurts.

It hurts a lot.