Shotgun picks the music, driver shuts his cakehole.

What are you running from?
Taking pills to get along
Creating walls to call your own
So no one catches you drifting off and
Doing all the things that we all do

Caleb is driving, therefore I get to put on playlists as loud as they will go. This one is called YESTERDAYS, which means every song has the word Yesterday in the title. It's ridiculous. I only turn it up until I can feel the melody in my very blood and no further, though if you ask those with perfect hearing they may claim it's a volume that hurts. They're not wrong. It hurts me too and I like it.

We have business downtown. I keep saying he should summon everyone to the point instead, because even the bankers will come to you now but he prefers to keep business in offices and keep home for not working much at all anymore. We split up for two meetings, meeting back up for the third and end with brunch, which to him is a good enough reason to head downtown. We find a patio that isn't even open for the season as of yet but he speaks with someone and soon we are seated alone outside under the first turns of the newly serviced heaters. Every place has them here. We have them at home. It makes a nice difference but I leave my coat on nonetheless. Might have to make a quick getaway. Might have to make sure my food isn't poisoned. Might have to face this firing squad of one as he calmly reloads, missing me by a hair's breadth over and over again.

Why this song? 

It's sad. It hurts. 

And this is good?

Oh, yes. It also has no history for me. I like that part more. 

I remember this, I think. You were out of school.

Yes. 

I was already practicing. 

Yes. 

Seems like a million years ago. 

Twenty years. 

Jesus Christ. Do you not SEE how time is speeding past? He begins to speed. I jumped forty feet when he yelled. I would have launched myself out of the car had it featured a sunroof.

Diabhal, please slow dow-

Keep the fucking ring, Bridget. Know that it represents all of my promises to you with assurances that I don't expect more than I have but I want to-no, I NEED to legitimatize this relationship and the only way I can see to do that is to have you wear a ring from me. 

If you were secure in your own-

It's not for me. It's for you. And I ran it by Lochlan. He didn't care. 

Don't believe him because he's lying to you. 

Maybe he and the rest of the Collective enjoy the lifestyle they've become accustomed to. Maybe the threat of losing it on a whim by a girl with a head full of stars and cotton candy is a difficult threat to live under every single day. 

Then maybe you should give them rings and they would have that security. 

They believe in you, Bridget. 

Well, that's dumb. But I say it under my breath, facing away from him, looking out the window at the cold rain on the streets as we drive home. The ring is heavy on my finger but heavier on my heart.

Let's talk about anything but my love life today, okay?

I finished Hoffman's Rules of Magic. Yes, I know it took me over four months but some nights I don't get to read. Well, most nights I don't get to read, not to mention it took me a good two hundred and fifty pages to even like the book. It was difficult to catch onto and I felt like the first half was a rehash of it's sequel, Practical Magic, with scant interest in the main characters (the aunts, Frannie and Jet (short for BRIDGET *screams*)) and their brother Vincent. Until their aunt dies and BOOM. The book comes to life and I cry and I sob and then more people die and it's so beautiful suddenly and it ends right where Practical Magic picks up which is a perfect place to stop and I don't know if I could be an Alice Hoffman fan or not. She weaves a good story, albeit with a massive slow build I wasn't expecting, and has moments of pure brilliance in her writing that take one's breath away but surrounding that is a mountain of lazy editing, in that the repetition, the detail doesn't hold my attention.

Will try a third one of hers, though, since I think it's me.

But up next is Nick Hornby's Juliet, Naked. I haven't been this excited about a book since Geek Love, honestly. It takes a lot to get me to go looking for a book. They usually find me. 

C8H11NO2

Until I get proof that you've taken it back.

I can't. I told you, it's bespoke.

Then sell it.

Bridget-

Sell it for parts. You can sell loose diamonds, have the metal melted back down, sell it by weight. There's a way. Stop being difficult.

He laughs. I'm being difficult.

Yes, you are. You know where we stand and it isn't at the place you've made in your head.

It isn't at the one you've made either. He isn't smiling anymore.

But mine wins.

Bridget, I don't play by their rules.

You don't have to play by their rules. You have to play by mine. Stop being all menacing and just take it back! JESUS. 

He laughs again. I love you when you're desperate and frustrated. You revert right back to that stubborn ten-year-old.

I grab my phone and walk out. I tried. Guess we're done. He did indeed wear me down. Just not in the way he thought he would.

Hyperextensibles.

Ben woke me out of sound sleep last night, pulling me away from Lochlan, up into his arms, pressing his face into the space between my ear and my shoulder, exhaling as he held me so tight he would have to breathe for both of us, because I couldn't any longer and that's what woke me up.

He put me down underneath him, pulling my arms up around his neck, forcing my legs around his hips, kissing me softly as he moved to become a part of me. I pulled myself up hard against him and I'm no longer touching the earth, just Ben. It's a memory come back to life. He's still here. He still breathes. He still reaches for me in the way I reach for him.

One arm pulls me up so hard I don't have any control anymore, before being pushed back down just as hard, pinned tightly underneath him. His eyes are huge in the dark but he doesn't say anything, he just wants to make sure I'm awake.

I nod without words. Who needs words? We don't.

An eternity later we're up, sitting together, limbs tangled, euphoria achieved. I'm afraid I might be hurt if I move. He won't let that happen. I lock my arms around his neck tightly to protect myself as he holds me up slightly, bringing me down just enough that he loses his grip on the night completely, sliding into the dark, taking me with him. He gets up and forces me back down on my face, pulling me up away from earth again. I feel Lochlan's hands take mine and he is there and no way. Not doing this. Ben puts his hand over my eyes, pulling my head back against his chest. No no no. I flail against Lochlan's arms but he presses his head against mine, just above Ben's hand.

We won't hurt you, he promises but I don't believe him. Instead I fight and Ben pulls me back, flipping me down onto my back, pinning my arms and legs.

It's fine. 

I shake my head. Lochlan smooths my bangs back, whispering shhhh against my temple. Headphones are put on me and I close my eyes and dive deep down into the music where they can't find me.

I feel myself pulled up into thin air and Lochlan is behind me now. They stroke my head, my face, my skin. Once the goosebumps go away, once I stop fighting, once I forget and go back to the music, all muscles relaxed, they take over and I let them.

I can't breathe. The music is so loud. We're moving but we're not moving. Lochlan's arms are locked around me so hard I feel like my ribs will break but it's also the least of my worries somehow.

The sensory overload kills me dead and I am resurrected all in the same night. If only it were this easy. If only this were easy. If only. Easy. If. 

Sweet fools, glittery Jesus.

I woke up hoping for a miracle but prepared for a lot of work. Easter is busy, but April Fools is busier. I was pouring coffee and passing out waffles to a lot of not-ready-for-church goers when someone pointed out a PWC was coming in from somewhere, to our docks.

We all went outside and there was the big bunny, in an ill-fitting new suit, with a wetsuit underneath and a backpack. It was one of our waverunners, and now I need another bunny head, since this one isn't going to survive the spray. I just replaced it last year in time for Batman's turn too. They're very expensive.

The bunny charged up the stairs, breaking into various boys' signature runs to keep us guessing as we did random head counts and tried to figure out who it was. Who was missing. Who's turn it was.

Once the bunny got close enough he began to drill eggs at the boys. Underhand, overhand, he passed a few out gently, he left a few on the steps. He dropped the backpack and came to me, dipping me backwards, low, before leaving me upright with a big foil-wrapped chocolate egg in my hands and he took off up the driveway, never to be seen again.

We collected the eggs that weren't handed specifically to a person and piled back inside to finish breakfast. No one could figure out by the body type or walk who it was. Maybe Batman again? Maybe we hired an outside performer? Where is Loch, oh, no, there he is. No, the bunny was too tall anyway to be Loch, that's for certain.

They were all still marvelling as they went to get ready for church, and it wasn't until they went to put their wallets and phones in pockets that they realized everything was filled with glitter. Soft glitter. Undangerous glitter I now buy in buckets. Shirt pockets, breast pockets. Watch pockets. Everything is full.

We get to church and Sam is already there, trying to shop-vac glitter off himself in time for early resurrection rained-in service. The most sombre and exciting of all. I always hope it will be Jake but I've learned to eat that anticipation so that I don't disappoint his friends when it isn't. Maybe today will be different. What an ultimate, cruel April Fools joke that would be. He would win everything.

But he didn't come back so we group ourselves around the collection plate when it comes down our row and fill it with eggs, and since it's full, PJ returns it to the front, leaving it on the table, fetching a new one to pass to the row behind us.

Sam is wrapping up his service when the first chick hatches, a fuzzy little wobbly-damp orange blob in the collection plate. Then they all do over the next fifteen minutes and Sam is overrun with sleepy new baby chicks that we quickly help him scoop up to put in a large box.

He grins from ear to ear as he tells the congregation to have peaceful easters (knowing ours won't be) and that God loves them.

We were home and having second coffee, kids were finally up (they don't go to church much) and telling them of our exciting morning as several of the boys did house checks to figure out who the heck the bunny was.

They couldn't tell for certain but Andrew came in as the biggest contender. Right size, and hasn't been the bunny in a very long time. But until he confirms or denies we have to wait.

Sam finally gets in, the box of chicks taken happily back by a nearby hobby farm up the other side of the cove who I've been working with to find timely eggs. Sam is still covered with glitter mostly, complaining that it made him look like he just rolled in from a bar or something and put on a suit and went straight to church but I said it made him look like a Twilight vampire instead and he laughed for so long he was no longer annoyed.

When, over brunch the boys came to the conclusion finally that I must have hired someone to be the bunny this year I finally spilled the jellybeans, even as we were interrupted by PJ pouring juice and swearing that there was glitter in fucking EVERYTHING here, (which makes me so fucking happy actually but don't worry, in the food it's food-grade cake glitter, just enough to make its presence known, not enough to change the taste of anything. Much.)

It was someone who lives here. It was one of us. 

Everyone's accounted for! Someone's lying! Where was August when the bunny hit the grass? Maybe it was more than one person? The questions rose up and I started to laugh. Been waiting forever to pull this one off.

I can't believe we fooled you-

TELL US! 

Henry stands up and waves, and I hold out my arms to indicate him and bow, for this was the best April Fools ever. And possibly the sweetest, because for the first time they saw him as one of the brothers, and not as a child. He really isn't a child anymore. He's bigger than half of them and now they see he's faster too.

Hang on to your britches, bitches.

Emmett has brought me a large coffee every single morning that he's been here since Wednesday. I've never had such a productive week. Eventually someone's going to tell him it's a bad idea and he'll apologetically stop but for now it's nice. He's trying to bond with me. I'm not dumb. If you asked him behind my back he would say he's just trying to make this transition easier and being polite to the owner of the house, plus it gives her a chance to voice concerns if he can check in each morning. That's what he will say when you ask, trust me.

I give them to Lochlan after drinking a quarter of them and I'm still contemplating painting the house while I single-handedly do massive spring cleaning jobs and Lochlan repeatedly wonders aloud why caffeine is such an incredible boost to me when no other medication seems to do a damned thing. They're practically fogging me with horse tranquilizers to get me to sleep half the time and so this is a strange turn for certain.

But the work is almost done. And I'm glad for the fact that for the next two days no workmen will be here and neither will Emmett which will mean no coffee curses but also a lot of room to plan and exact the biggest mashup of holidays in the history of this collective: April Fools' Day and Easter Sunday, falling on the same day for the first time EVER in our lives.

We're all doomed. It's going to be great. I'm ready. I think they are too.

Cross.

On the walk today Caleb caught up with the group and tried to talk to me. I smiled and told him I'd see him later. The hopefulness that bubbled into his expression was quickly shadowed by the realization that I was blowing him off and he listened to me, falling back with Schuyler, who probably wouldn't have talked to him had he known. We weren't supposed to talk anyway. We were supposed to walk and reflect on someone that we've lost. 

Everyone went. I'm fairly certain half of the boys thought of Cole. Ben and Danny thought of their parents. The rest of us thought of Jake. I find it so incredible that the same faith that is supposed to fill us with hope seems content that it gets pushed out with despair but Sam squeezes my hand and tells me to wait. That before the weekend is over maybe a miracle will change my mind. 

I don't know if I have any faith left. I don't know if I believe in fairy tales anymore and yet I look at Lochlan, who is out of his element and vaguely uncomfortable in his good brown suit, hair tied back neatly, head cold, probably wishing for his top hat. Shoes pinching his toes, hand cramped because he won't let go of mine, and I won't let go right back. 

It was the longest service of holy week, unscheduled to be so but made difficult by the walk Sam chose, over rockier patches. He wanted it to be difficult. He wanted it to be slow. He has a lot of senior worshippers. It took almost an hour by itself so he cut his sermon short and we spread out to each find someone to help back to the parking lot from the water's edge. 

When we got home, PJ and John, Ben and I started whipping up french toast and bacon and Sam marvelled on the sweet touch of all of the boys finding someone they could help with the walk. He said if only they could help each other the way they help total strangers, their fellow humans while they spend so much time fighting amongst themselves, with the very people they live with and love, the people they proclaim to be family. The guilt that resonated through the room, around the table while he spoke is our penance today, and that maybe salvation is just around the corner. 

After lunch everyone scattered to spend time with each other and do quiet things. And I excused myself with a thousand promises that I would be back in a few minutes. That I just wanted to check in with Caleb and confirm his attendance on Sunday and maybe remind him of why he needs to stop trying to break all the rules and I needed to do that alone because he and Lochlan already had a really awful throwdown last night over this anyway. 

I knock on Caleb's front door and he opens it. He's got a fresh whiskey and is still wearing his suit jacket, though his tie is missing and his top two shirt buttons are undone. 

Drink? He doesn't look happy to see me. It's a first.

No, thank you. 

What can I do for you? 

I told you I'd speak with you later when we were at church so it's later and here I am. 

Didn't think you'd show. 

I'm the female Jesus. You waited and I appear. 

Oh, that isn't as funny as it is true, Bridget. And I didn't do anything I haven't done before. I took a chance. That's all. That's how you get ahead in life. It's called a risk index. 

I'm aware. But when it comes to human emotions and love, especially, you can't take a formula out of economics and apply it across the board. 

Why not? 

Because humans aren't investment products, they-  Oh. He's got me. But money doesn't have emotions, contrary to popular belief! 

Doesn't it? Comfort in peace of mind. Safety. Happiness. I call bullshit, Princess. 

Don't call me that. 

Don't take on Lochlan's opinions as your own. Think for yourself. 

I do! 

Then let me formalize this. 

I can't. 

Why not? 

Because that's not in my future. 

When are you going to realize that some hag in a scarf seeing something in a crystal ball isn't your future, it was your entertainment. You went on a thrill ride and it ended the minute you walked out of her trailer. 

No, it didn't. 

Touché. 

So take it back, now that you know for certain where you stand. 

I think I'll keep it for another day. Maybe a decade. Wear you down. 

Won't work for you the way it worked for Jake (I pick up the obvious dig). 

Why not? 

Because your brother gave me more than enough of an excuse to run. He made me miserable. Lochlan doesn't suffer from the same issues the rest of you seem to sport. 

Oh, doesn't he, Bridget? 

Not in the slightest. 

Then if you're so sure of him, and of yourself, take the risk. 

You need to learn to listen better. 

I do. Better than you. 

I don't say anything, leaving before I lose this war of words. 

He reads my mind. Too late for that.

Well, then the Pope clearly hasn't met CALEB.

(Condemned souls just disappear, he says now. Right. Tell that to Cole.)

(Also, Caleb crossed a boundary when he got home like a goddamned finish line and I'm not speaking to him or about him today. Easter may be about fresh starts but he'll be lucky if I speak to him before Christmas.)

I'm busy trying to teach PJ Out on the Mira anyway. And I'm playing guitar along (haltingly, trust me) with singing so he can appreciate it better. It's really hard to do both and my fingers hurt. So does my heart when I sing it, really it does.

But it's Friday. It ain't raining and I already know who the rollerblading bunny is this year. So there are good things too.

There are always good things.

But hell is real.

Sorry to burst your bubbles. 

I like to think predictability is a feature, not a bug.

I called Caleb at an ungodly hour this morning to thank him and managed to dig myself a hole that I might never grow big enough to crawl out of.

Is he my present?

Who?

Emmett. We were introduced this morning. I really appreciate you shifting things around like this-

Bridget, what on earth are you talking about?

Emmett. 

Who is Emmett? Who's home with you? Put Lochlan on the phone-

He's at work. It's a pathetic admission from me, as Lochlan could charm the pants off a lightpost, telling me he'd be home more and then promptly doing what he always does, leave for work. I don't want to say there were tears and a little bit of an argument but he needs to remember you can't make promises to a child and then not-

Okay, just nevermind.

I flounced downstairs after my shower and appropriate-length sulk and PJ was standing in the foyer, arms crossed, having the best chat with a total stranger and a few of the regular people who are here working on the house every day.  The stranger smiled at me, elbowed his way through the group to greet me, shook my hand, complimented my property and then handed me a very large, very forbidden take-out coffee from Tim Hortons.

I took a chance that you might like coffee? 

Oh, shit, PJ says under his breath.

I do. Thank you! 

Emmett is taking over from Ransom now that our renovations are well underway and I want to say almost done but that would be optimistic. No one will tell me a date though. I've asked.

I take a sip of my gifted coffee and look at my watch. In about two hours the caffeine is going to hit me like a freight train and I'll have to be restrained. It's just the way things are. But in the meantime, Emmett doesn't seem to suffer from the bristling arrogance that plagued Ransom's very (creepy) being and I like him already.

He must have found it mutual, as he proceeded to give me his personal cell number and assurances that if I had any questions, concerns or problems to not hesitate to call him day or night and that he'd stay out of my way, but also work to keep us up to date as well as to be sure this project is completed on time.

Remind me of the date again?

Bridget, you should go make sure Henry's up. PJ's growl makes me choke on my next sip.

(For fuck's sake's PJ, I'm trying to flirt here.) I shoot PJ a glare but thank Emmett for the coffee again and head back upstairs only to find out Henry isn't even upstairs and is in the kitchen so I call Caleb from the back patio while Henry dawdles over his toast inside.

Emmett. Ransom's guy, I guess. He's taking over the renos. 

Oh, yes. It slipped my memory. So is he a little less unsettling for you? And no, he's not your 'present' and if you persist in being difficult I can have Ransom come back on the project. 

It's fine. I was teasing (I don't tease Caleb). I appreciate it (Boy, do I ever).

Very well then, I should be leaving here shortly so I'll see you when I land. 

The house might be a different color when you get here. Keep your eyes open. 

What? There's nothing in the plans that involve painting the exterior-

Emmett brought me a huge coffee from Tim Hortons. 

Oh, shit, Caleb says, echoing PJ.

Those moments that break our hearts.

Last night Lochlan came in around eight-thirty, dropped his laptop bag on the floor and crossed to me, pulling me out of my stupidly-comfy barely-awake snuggle all by myself in the corner of the big sectional in the great room and kissed me so hard I think my lips bruised. Then he let me go and went over around the island giving PJ a shove so hard they went into the stack of clean plates that PJ had just put down from unloading the dishwasher and broke the top five of them.

PJ used great restraint, grabbing Lochlan in a headlock, bringing him right down to knee-level and fucking up his hair, rubbing his knuckles on Lochlan's head until he was redfaced and tapping out. PJ's noogies hurt when he wants them to, but he'll deny it until the sun goes down. He looks so good-natured and is loathe to inflict injury (or see it inflicted) but he also takes shit from no one.

Anyone else want to side with the Devil? Lochlan says, straightening his shirt, raking his hair back behind his ears.

I raise my hand.

For fucks sake, Bridge.

PJ crosses to me and blocks Lochlan's view. For fuck's sake indeed. I side with her. PJ aims his thumb over his shoulder. You're not here enough.

I'm trying to finish this so that when things change we can stay here. 

I own the house, Loch-

I don't believe that for a second, Bridge. Not for even one little second. So if I have to have everyone calling me home because I'm trying to secure the future for my family and giving me a hard time then I'll have to bear that too. 

God. The memory thief just threw me a bone. Twelve and seventeen and Loch steals a welcome mat for our camper from a house in a nearby town.

Want to make things nice for my family, he said as he folded me into the crook of his shoulder, the smell of summer hay and dirt on him so real suddenly I shake my head.

What? He says. Oh, I guess I did that out loud. No, what?

The paperwork is ironclad- PJ's trying to reason with the unreasonable.

I'm not going to debate his tricks. I know him better than any of you. The deal is you keep her from him while I get this done. It's not so hard, is it? Jesus, Christ. Look at her. 

And just like that the argument vaporizes. John and Ben, who have come in quietly, disappear again. PJ claps a hand on Lochlan's shoulder, letting it slide off into a handshake. He nods. I know, Brother. Look at her. Look how fucking much she misses you.

PJ leaves and then it's just me and I feel like I want to take in every inch of Lochlan's face, suddenly a stranger with features I hardly remember.

Don't manipulate me, Bridge. For someone who can reach out and touch ten men at any given moment I find it hard to believe-

Believe it. And when have I EVER manipulated you?

When you let Caleb into our lives. Into our bed even. When you insist on being near him after all this time. It's so fucked. 

That's not called manipulation. 

I know. I'm sorry. I know! I just wish..you know what I wish, Peanut. 

No one else dies on my watch, Locket. Even him. 

Let's not do this tonight, okay? Let's just go to bed. Schuyler's going to approve changes so I can keep an eye on things via remote access. Would that help?

Should have said that when you walked in. Would have helped. 

What would have helped would have been you confiding in me, not in Caleb. Next time come to me, call me, whatever. You know damn well I'll drop whatever I'm doing and be there for you. But I figure you're just fine if I don't hear otherwise. You don't say a thing when I get home. 

I'm asleep!

You have no trouble talking in your sleep. 

What did I say? 

Last night you did our show wind-up in a whisper with your stuffy nose. I listened to the whole damn thing. It gave me chills. 

Why didn't you wake me up? 

That's one dream I'll never pull you out of.