He's got the (whole world in his hands, sing it with me) fire roaring in the fireplace, window open, firescreen in place and a fully charged ipad on the tray across the bed. There's a very large glass of red wine beside it. A hazard, if you ask me. A necessity, if you ask Lochlan.
I'm going to go get us a plate. You must be starving.
I didn't eat dinner. I sat at the table though, taking up space. Staring at Ben who still hasn't noticed that I noticed that he's struggling.
K. I am noncommittal. Ben has been taken over by Schuyler and Daniel for the evening. I think (I hope, anyway) that he is just tired. Just heavy with the weight of the steps he must take, over and over again. Heavy with his pockets full of coins that all say different, encouraging things and feeling as if he is back at square one again and he worries we will be disappointed in him. At least that's what he told me the last time, jumping off the wagon, back for good. Wrecked in the head, destroyed liver and all.
I'll take it. I like the broken ones best. Ben and I have a good long history now of being completely exasperated with each other and yet I love him with an intensity that sometimes he wonders (don't they all) if he even deserves. And even when he has given up on himself I don't give up on him and I won't.
But I won't be satisfied with silence, either.
When Lochlan's back I am knee-deep in A Star Is Born. I love-hate this movie. Everyone else just hates this movie. If only because the subject matter hits so close it bites at the skin on the backs of our necks and hurts with every single frame because legacy, in that movie, is bigger than fame, bigger than ego and sadly, bigger than love. Loneliness is a curse and a death sentence and Jesus, that poor dog. But I also sing along with the songs, which are incredible and the chemistry in that movie continues to blow my mind.
And? Let's be honest, as I never am, here. It feels reallllllly fucking good to hurt for someone else for a change.
Shut that off. Lochlan has that beautiful, angry clip in his voice as he returns with a plate of olives, peppers, tangerine slices and cheese. The minute I leave. Jesus, Bridge.
But I'm off the deep end-
SHUT IT OFF, he bellows over my attempts to reach the notes. He wins. I switch back to the dashboard, where I am confronted with a plethora of cheesy Christmas movies and....Michael Meyers.
Hey! Halloween's out! Can we watch it?
I knew you would want to.
Awesome!
Anything but a Star is Born.
We should find the original. Kris Kristofferson drives his car off a cliff.
Sounds uplifting.
Pretty sure it's worse than this one.
Somehow I doubt it.
Lochlan continues to glare at me and the screen interchangeably for the next several hours, not even getting jump-scared, he is so annoyed and he doesn't relax until about eleven, when Ben!! shows up for bed. Ben is full of affection and apologies, but I know it's temporary. Kind of like drugs. You get a few hours of feeling great and then you go back in your hole. It fucking sucks.