Time is fucking me over. It's wearing me down. Fifty is the age they turn into something wonderful. Maturity, confidence and life experience buffing them to a warm glow. Fifty is a milestone, an achievement.
It's a sea change.
It's another winter. Another wrinkle (or four). Another car or a trip somewhere new. Another illness or another scar. Another heartache and a fresh heal-
Bridget, stop.
Sorry, Sam.
You coming in with me? He sips his coffee. They all have the same tired relief for an expression this weekend. Another one under our belts. Lucky thirteen. I didn't jump off the cliff only to be dragged down by the sea and I didn't lose my mind. I was so brave going in and then all of the bravery vanished and I was just me. Not brave. Not good at this. Not getting better. Just the same. Maybe you could say today that I'm a little disappointed for all my efforts (and theirs) to talk me out of my usual schedule of despair.
No, I think I'm going to go back up and snooze with Ben. Ben has improved to the point that I think sometimes they forget he got hurt but I haven't.
Bridget, your heart is so exposed, here on your sleeve. You might want to tuck it into your pocket for safekeeping. He presses a long kiss into my forehead. The Jesus badge. I can wear it all day and no one will even know because while it's very large it's completely invisible.
Is it though? Sam winks, reading my mind. I hope fifty will be as sobering and monumental for me as it has been for the others. You describe it so compellingly.
It will be. I'm not certain of much, but of that? Yes. And by the way, yes your kisses are invisible because you don't wear lipstick.
I didn't mean the kiss. I meant the Jesus badge.
Do I look like a Jesus freak?
He stares at me for a long moment. Tattoos. Pajamas that say fuck you all over them. Hair sticking up. Coffee mug with an anarchy symbol etched into the stoneware (a gift)
Yes. You do, actually. It's uncanny. He laughs. Love you, Bridge. See you after lunch.
Wait! There's lunch involved?
The diner. Last easy Sunday before we ramp up for Lent. I thought I mentioned that.
No one mentioned it.
Go get dressed. I'll wait. You're only a Jesus freak if there's bacon involved. I see that now.
Can you blame me?
Of course not.