Sometimes I'm not as dumb or as blindly led as I seem to be.
I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure
Yesterday turned out to be a much needed family day for us. With a languid start to the morning we took our time, drinking extra coffee and juice and replacing snowboots with wellies for the puddles and warmer air, and lighter insulated jackets and knit gloves for the kids. I wore a fisherman knit sweater and jeans and a vintage scarf and Jacob smiled when he saw me.
He said I looked like I was ready for a Sunday drive. An inside joke, I think Mondays will forever be our Sundays. He pulled on his midweight suit jacket over a green button-down shirt and there was the CD. I thought he had left it in the old truck when it went to truck heaven but he didn't after all.
We headed for the highway and I was singing about pilots and he was smiling, one of those happy smiles people have when everything is going well.
Of course. It was a set up.
We spent the morning poking through an old barn that had four floors packed to the rafters, but they turned out not to have anything we couldn't go home without. Then we got some lunch and took it outside to the park next to the diner, so the kids could eat and and then run around to blow off steam. It's hard to keep their hands to themselves when we're in a environment that seems fully breakable.
And Jacob turned to me and let his smile die away and asked me if I was ready to try something new.
I stared at him and didn't say anything.
Hmm?
New, Jake? What did you have in mind?
Going back to no pills, Bridge.
Oh, no, can we just have this because this is better.
You're not you, Bridge, you're someone else and it concerns me.
Gee, thanks, honey.
You've said it yourself.
If I recall correctly you also said better I stay on them and be here than be off them and lose what's left.
That was before everything else got so much better so quickly.
Right, we're rushing again, Jake.
No, I don't think we are.
Wait until-
I already talked to Claus and a few others about it. You had such a good balance before, and you did pretty well without pills. They're on board with a test run, with tapering off.
Jake, have you forgotten what life was like? I was so high strung. I wasn't doing well, I was trying to survive and hating every second of everything.
You didn't appear to have as hard a time.
Jacob, you can't be serious.
Oh geez, now I'm panicking and trying to keep my voice down and he put his hand on my face and it was so warm and he looked at me and I believed somehow he could snap his fingers and gold would just fall out of the sky. My beanstock giant.
You found a way.
No, Jacob, I was held together with a cool breeze and the weight of a thousand threats. Fear kept me going. My God, I can't believe you've forgotten.
No, I didn't forget, princess. But what if you did what you did then but without the fear? Picture it, everything as before but no Cole. All support, everything you need, plus the routine and therapy and fresh air and all of it but no pills. So you wouldn't have to be half-asleep. So you could stop taking the drugs.
I think we should leave it, Jake.
But you don't like it.
No, what I don't like is any more changes right now. I just got used to them again. I can stay awake, I can write a little, and things are going well. Stopping now would be asking for trouble.
So you don't want to stop.
No, I don't. Everyone is happy.
Are you happy?
I'm not suicidal, and that's all that matters.
But are you happy, princess?
Yes.
He looked so doubtful.
I don't want to mess it up, Jake. I don't want you to have any regrets.
The only regret I have is that my wife is perpetually drugged and all the enthusiasm has left her eyes and she has to work so hard to smile it makes me want to scream.
I'm sorry.
It isn't your fault, Bridge, so don't say that.
Of course it is. My accountability, remember?
Fuck the accountability. I don't think the drugs are doing anything for you.
No, but they make everyone else happy. You're happy.
I'm happy because you're with me.
I'm happy for that too.
With effort, Bridge.
Life is an effort, Jacob.
So what would you chose to do?
Stop taking them.
What?
I would want to stop taking them if I could chose, Jacob.
Let's.
Jacob, if I-
You won't. Your life will never be that hopeless again I promise.
Even with-
No matter what, princess.
I nodded, still not convinced but not willing to risk spoiling the rest of the day with a big blowup. I didn't sing on the way home, Jacob played Anima and kept looking at me, but I chose to ignore the music, ignore the looks and instead I just looked out my window with my own defeated expression. I don't want to go back there, or anywhere else where the lights aren't on. Not now. God, I got shivers reading that entry again.
We did have a nice rest of the day, heading to the library on the way home where I got a mystery novel and he got some guitar-making books and the kids filled up on Franklin and Critter books. We came home and barbecued steak and baked potatoes. I had a destructive glass of wine to finish off a bottle from Loch's visit. One glass puts me on the floor now, for the record.
Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God we're together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever
Jacob didn't broach the subject again until the kids were asleep and we were settled in front of the fire. And by that time I had respawned my strength.
I don't want to push you, princess. I'm just so proud of your hard work.
That's good, because I'm staying on the pills, Jake.
Really?
For now.
You're sure?
No, but I'm not taking any chances yet. It's too soon.
If that's what you want most, princess.
I do.
Good for you.
I'm still me, you know.
You're everything, you always were and you always will be.
Then we need to keep going slow, we've got forever, you know.
He looked positively shocked.
You're absolutely right. We do. We've got forever.
He shook his head in disbelief and smiled, like it was something he had never considered before and then he repeated himself, because in his head I had just made him a promise that I could never make out loud. I let him have it, because it's the only thing he ever wanted from me.
We've got forever, princess.
Life is a gift to us all, you know. One of the reasons that I'm doing better and doing well at all is because we've dropped our pretenses and turned to each other instead of turning away. He hasn't abandoned me and I don't shut him out of my feelings out of some misguided attempt to spare him from feeling like a interloper. It's done wonders for finally putting Cole's ghost to rest once and for all. Despite the continued lack of ability on my part to voice promises I'm obviously not in charge of making.
And for some reason Jacob holds me so much harder now. Longer, too. This morning he handed me my pill and my coffee and smiled and told me I was beautiful. Probably because he just realized that maybe I'm not as dumb as I look. Or maybe it was because I think he finally realizes I'm giving him everything I have to give, whether I confirm that out loud, or not.
Maybe it's finally enough. For both of us.
