We finally stopped arguing long enough to see what it was doing to us and have agreed to call off the battle until we find out if I'm pregnant or not. Then obviously we'll know where our energies need to be focused. If we're having another baby then all of this will have have been for naught. If we're not having a baby we'll resume hopefully with a breather and at least a little perspective lending us some help to get through it once more.
Jake brings far more baggage to this marriage than either of us initially realized. He has an unrelenting biological clock that is ticking away madly and he can't seem to control his desires when it comes to sex or fertility and this has less to do with me than I realized. Neither one of us are being selfish, we're being human. Difficult, troubled, confused humans who sometimes don't have answers for why we feel the way we do. He gets something in his head and pursues it relentlessly and I get something in my head, am permanently scarred by it and subsequently flinch for the rest of my life. Oddly I have discovered a lot of my biggest fears surrounding another baby are not scenarios that I need to be concerned with this time anyway. It was a revelation to say the least but we still need to put it all aside, for now.
Believe it or not no one in this house has a book on remarriage kicking around the house. He is as unprepared as I am for this new experience and therefore we're going to follow the marriage counseling advice we thus far attempted to wait out. My God, we're like two kids playing house, only with consequences. It's so unreal, being in love with Jacob, that sometimes it literally doesn't even feel real and I have to remember that this is it. This IS my life now. The cautionary fairytale.
I'm also going to leave unrelated problems out of this fight and I'm not going to cave in to his charms. He's going to not bully me and he's definitely not going to play his soothing comforts off my insecurities to get what he wants. He's a little too smooth and I'm too unsophisticated to see it. I would have thought it would have been the other way around but he's the enigmatic worldly one and me, well, I'm just a pretty, albeit messed up girl. He only has this power with me. Surprise. That makes him sound like he plays head games with me. It's not deceitful, it's honest. Instead of saying nothing he simply wears his heart on his sleeve and lets the chips fall where they may. This is how I fell in love with him. He'll tell you what he wants and then deal with the consequences. In any other situation it's positively endearing. In this situation it's stupifyingly painful.
But I got my hug. And when we finally let go I got another. I'm about to go get one more, and some food now. And then some sleep if I can convince the kids to go to bed at 7.
Goodnight.
Tomorrow, something uplifting like one of my short stories or maybe our very first kiss. I need some good words.
