(Never, ever meet the Devil in his own element. Which would be anywhere your defenders are NOT.)
I thought I was so prepared with my emotional shields in place, ready to deflect Caleb's charming and oh-so-familiar appearance, an older, wiser Cole. In an expensive but meant to be casual suit, shooting his cuffs, a gesture that leaves me a little weak in the knees as it is. Slightly nervous, still with his customary heavy-handed approach of poise and chivalry. He was always smooth and seductive where Cole's charisma had an abrasive, wild edge to it. A simple matter of being less refined, an accidental appeal that he didn't cultivate so carefully the way Caleb does. Caleb is, quite simply, a ladies man. And he knows it.
Of course I wasn't prepared, who am I kidding?
When a sleek black car pulled up to collect us after his brief visit he hugged each of the kids and wished them a merry Christmas and then he turned and shook Jacob's hand and told him he was a lucky man and that he hoped the holidays were enjoyable and that he would have time to spend with his family. Jacob nodded and didn't say very much at all, gracious in allowing Caleb in the house at all. But he was reserved and politely formal, and he helped me into my coat, kissed my cheek and frowned as he searched my eyes, hoping I would change my mind and stay home.
I told him I loved him and I'd be back in an hour. I kissed the kids goodnight and Caleb held the door for me.
When we got to the car, Caleb told the driver to take us to an overpriced cocktail lounge downtown. I looked at him with a mixture of surprise and anger. I leaned forward and asked the driver to pull over because we hadn't agreed on that destination.
They have coffee there, Bridget.
I'm not going to a bar with you, Caleb. If you want to get coffee, then we're going to a coffee shop, or an actual restaurant.
How about the one at my hotel then?
Why are you trying to cause problems for me?
What? I only know of a few places here.
Then ask me for suggestions. I've only been here for years, I know a few.
You're absolutely right, Bridget, my apologies.
I gave the driver the address of a coffee shop nearby and we arrived in silence. After ordering coffee and cake, I decided to try and mask my difficulties with being near him by being nasty to him. Very nasty. Hoping it wouldn't be mistaken for the petulance that his brother adored.
So why do you need to know things about me?
What are you talking about?
Continuing to read my journal, asking Ben things that are clearly not your concern, trying to undermine my marriage. What are you up to?
I'm concerned. Bridget, spending time with you is watching our tightrope walker teetering back and forth at the middle and you know there's no net down below. Oh, and would you please stop referring to me as the devil when you write?
No one told you you needed to spend time with me, or analyze me, for that matter.
Cole was very worried about you.
Cole's dead.
He died worrying about you, baby.
I stood up.
Don't call me baby. Fuck, what is wrong with you guys? I'll take a cab home. I'll be sure the kids send you thank you notes for the gifts but you need to go home now, Caleb.
He stood up but made no move to stop me. Shot a cuff and checked his watch.
Oh Lord. Help me.
Please sit down and let me explain. I'm running out of time. You only gave me an hour.
I don't think so.
Then stand up, but let me tell you why I'm trying to make sure you're okay.
Fine.
I sat. And rolled my eyes.
God, you can be so childish.
Your brother loved it.
Does Jake?
No.
I see.
Start talking, Caleb.
Name the one person who ever knew you best?
Jacob.
No, not Jake, Cole.
Sorry. You're wrong.
I'm right, Bridget.
If you were right, Caleb, things would be vastly different right now. Your brother wouldn't have lived his life to hurt me.
No, he knew everything you liked and he indulged you even though he hated himself for what it meant for him. We talked more often than you think we did.
I stood up again. Someone came over and asked me if everything was alright, giving Caleb the once over. People had been watching us since we came in anyway, they do that. I murmured that I was fine, thank you. I sat back down. I must have looked like a pogo stick.
On the inside I felt sick to my stomach.
What are you talking about?
You know exactly what I'm talking about. The things Jacob won't do. For you, to you. Things you want.
Why would you want to hurt me like this, Caleb? How dare you?
He won't do them because he's selfish, Bridge! Forcing you to try and get pregnant, cutting you off from everyone you love. Cole went out of his way to give you everything, including time and space alone with Jake, if that was what you asked for. He gave you everything you wanted. And he felt like a monster but he did those things because he loved you. He wanted you to have everything.
Up she goes, holding back tears with characteristic success. They rolled down my face. These were revelations I already knew. Ones I can't acknowledge.
Caleb, your brother also tried to kill me, when he wasn't farming me out to you. I'm done here. I'm going home to Jacob now.
I tossed my napkin on the plate and stalked to the door to get my coat, shaking like a leaf. Fragile to a fault. Stupid princess. Caleb followed me. He helped me into my coat and then he wiped the tears from my cheeks with his fingers. I didn't stop him. I didn't stop him when he put his arms around me, pressing his mouth against my hair over my ear, speaking low so no one could overhear.
Bridget, you can have it all. All you have to do is say the word. If he won't do it then I will. And you don't have to leave him to get it.
He pulled back and held out a card key. For his hotel room. I stared at it while he talked and I could barely hear him for the blood pounding in my head. For one brief horrible moment I could envision myself taking that card in some desperate, fucked up attempt to turn back time and have just a few more intimate moments with Cole, somehow. Because it was familiar. Because...because I don't even know how to explain why.
But that's not what I want and that's not what this would be.
I don't want this.
I looked up at Caleb's face then as he spoke, not really listening but just staring at his dark blue eyes and noticing for the first time that he somehow looked nothing like Cole on this night.
...I can have the card dropped off and you can meet me whenever I'm in the city...
I don't know what else he said, because I wrenched out of his grasp and pushed past him, walking right out the door.
When I got home the children were still up and climbing all over Jacob while he told them the Christmas story in his own colorful, animated way. I waved and said nothing so that he could finish uninterrupted and then together we put the kids to bed and retreated to the den, not with coffee, but with cognac. Full-on full-glass cognac, warm, soothing tonic for my broken nerves.
I told Jacob everything and I told him that I'd box up the gifts and have them returned to Caleb's office. He nodded. I think he was too stunned to even react, and honestly I downplayed it because I can't handle not minimizing it. I got up to go get ready for bed, not remembering the last time I felt so sick to my stomach. I told Jake I was going to have a shower and why and he just nodded like he really hadn't heard.
Upstairs in the bathroom I stripped out of my dress and drenched myself in a hot stream of water. I turned around, put my head up to rinse my hair and my nose bumped Jake's. He had followed me in quietly under the cover of the noise from the shower, knowing how vulnerable I felt, he was ready to catch me.
Only I didn't fall. There was no risk involved.
He held me, smothered in his arms. He trusts me. He loves me.
He was worried anyway.
There's only one man I love on this earth, only one who's ever going to touch me ever again, only one I would ask those things of, knowing full well he won't concede to doing them but I'll keep asking until I learn to relax and calm down, and only one that is so incredible that none of those other things even fucking matter anymore.
That would be Jake.
As if anyone had to ask.
