Jacob came in from the cold at lunch yesterday and said he needed me, come quick, hurry. I ran down to the porch door and he came through it and grabbed me up in a hug, forcing my arms down and then putting his hands up the back of my shirt until I squealed for him to stop. His hands were giant ice cubes. He didn't need me, he just wanted to freeze me out because the squealing is so funny.
I wish he wouldn't do that, but he insists it's payback for when I put my cold toes between his ankles in bed every night. Of course, he doesn't squeal so instead I get a rounded-out litany of swear words with the full-on Newfie accent. So I'll keep doing it forever because he usually keeps the accent in check, except when he's cursing.
He was starting to come around, albeit slowly. My biggest argument against another baby is finally becoming clear to him when he looks at me now. Just now escaping the underweight label but still pale, dark circles a permanent feature of my face. And tenuously clinging to that shred of sanity I talk about that gets rubbed raw and then somehow heals itself. On and off medication. Prone to nightmares and middle of the night crying jags that wear him down and leave me depleted. Not stronger. Coming out of this surprisingly and permanently frail. Fragile Miss Bridget never changes much, you guys.
Somehow balancing my emotional landmines with sex, cake and rock n' roll.
Jacob confessed that one of his earliest dreams after I told him I was pregnant with Ruth was that he wished so badly that he could be in Cole's place from that moment on, waiting for his baby to be born, watching me grow and change, being able to hold the baby and love that child.
And in my frustration at another round of his guilt shoved down my throat I lost it and I reminded him that he did all those things. That he didn't miss a goddamn thing and now he is in Cole's place and he has me, he has two children now that are HIS and why isn't that good enough?
And then Jacob did something he's never done before. He looked at me as if he was hearing me for the very first time and he laid down the gauntlet.
It is.
Then why are we fighting, Jake?
I have no idea, Bridget.
Then we need to stop before we ruin this. You can't have those years back, Jake, they're gone, just let them go. You made me do it and now it's your turn.
He came over to me and put his hands up to my face and he apologized, formally apologized for being argumentative and still incredulous at the fact that I wouldn't stand up to him and say no, instead talking around the issue and making it known that I didn't want this without flat-out refusing him.
You need to say no to me, princess. You won't and when I push you to stand up for yourself you have to do it.
I...I can't.
Yes, you can. It isn't right and you can and I'm not going anywhere and I'm still going to love you.
You say that now.
No, I say that forever, Bridge. Forever. You're right. We really have no business having another baby.
I don't want you to resent me.
I don't. I couldn't. I love you more knowing you would give in because you knew I wanted it.
How is that any different from you giving in?
It's not the same thing. I'm letting a bad idea rest. I got carried away. I get jealous. I get angry when I think about some of the things that have happened over the past few years and I forget where I am now. I'm not perfect. But I'm not going to be a monster, either.
I cringed when he said that. How many times did I describe Cole that way, or insist that he wasn't one?
I had to breathe. I left the house and went for a long walk, alone. He kissed me goodbye, sadly. When I do return I give him back his kiss and retreat to the den to work. He's already cooking something that smells wonderful that I probably won't eat because I don't eat when I'm upset.
But don't talk to me about it because again, the explosions.
You can't be angry with me forever, princess.
I'm not angry at all, Jake. I'm frustrated. I don't know what to do with this. Or where to take it.
It goes wherever we go.
That's what I'm afraid of.
Bridge, everything will be okay, why won't you believe me?
Because it never has been before, Jake.
Maybe we're not trying hard enough.
Maybe we're not trying at all.
I don't believe it. Do you?
Sometimes, yes.
Aw, Christ.
I can't help it.These are some pretty agonizing growing pains.
That's an apt description.
What if they kill us?
They can't. We're indestructible.
We were. Are we still?
Moreso. I love you more now, not less. Coveting wasn't something that magnified my feelings for you, princess. Marriage did that. Arguing does that. Frustration does that. When we need each other the most, I feel the most.
Lucky for us.
It's not luck, princess. It's true love.
Then why can't we sort this out?
Maybe we're overthinking it so that we can put it to rest at last. I'm satisfied, I'm blessed, Bridget. You three as my family is more than I ever imagined and I wouldn't change a thing.
I nodded, still not sure.
What's wrong?
The last two times we fought about this so hard you assured me much the same thing.
And look where it got us? Almost divided once again. I'm done fighting. I don't want to fight with you, princess. I've got too much to be happy about and too much to lose.
So then how do we resolve this formally?
You mean permanently.
Yes.
I'll go see about getting the big operation.
No, I'll go. It's not a big deal anymore for me to be in a hospital.
No, you've been through enough. Besides, mine would be outpatients, I think.
Then you'll hate me forever.
I couldn't hate you if I tried. And I have tried so many times so don't think you're immune.
When?
Just about every time you went home with him over the years, princess.
Wow. That's harsh.
So was watching Cole touch you and knowing what he was. And I promised I wouldn't be anything like him, that I would never put you through pain or fear or uncertainty and that's just what I did and I feel like the monster now.
You're not.
Don't take this personally, Bridge, but you're a shitty judge of character.
I didn't start this argument to rip you to shreds, Jake.
Then just forgive me and we'll call and get an appointment.
Done.
When you pull your head out of your ass you're very easy to get along with, you know that?
Nice, Jake. Nice. I could say the same for you.
Sometimes, princess, I wish you would.
