Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
And every second I waste is more than I can take
Here, have the confusion and the doubt, I'll just sprinkle it all around myself and distract you with pretty while my insides turn black. Like a rotten birthday cake or a dead rose.
Why should I? Why would I bend to his will? What do I owe him? The last time I checked, just because he asked, just because he put himself out there and made the offer it doesn't mean that I am bound to accept it. Just because he's somewhat loyal doesn't mean that I have to do a damned thing.
Here's the point. He's holding out. You don't get it. I can use him for companionship. I don't ever have to be alone. Especially at night. I can be safe. He uses me because when I next feel self-destructive, he'll be in the right place, having craved my body long before he ever offered to share my heart. The hype. I am so overrated but it's too late for reason.
For everyone who keeps reminding me that I'm harsh on him, I find it funny how quickly you forget his motive for being my friend for at least half of our relationship. For everyone holding their breath for us to hook up remember you'd be pairing two ruined souls. We fight. A lot. I looked him straight in the eye earlier this year and told him I would never love him like that and he was fine with it. He didn't care about that, he was too distracted thinking about fucking me. Who is the bigger masochist? Who has the most to lose? I can't answer those questions. I DON'T FUCKING KNOW.
I forgave him for that, though. I did.
Maybe we deserve each other and I should give him whatever he wants. Let's face it. I'm holding out for...what? I didn't hold out for Caleb. I never held out for Jake. If I sleep with him maybe he'll stick around and maybe he'll be off and ready for his next conquest or six. He's been with a lot of girls in his life, I'm just one on a list to be had.
I could even marry him. I could just start in on him and rip him to pieces and leave him in my wake, another casualty of Bridget's fragile, twisted fucked-up love. Whatever definition you want to give. And then he falls off his wagon and everyone blames me. Or worse. I could give him a real shot and wind up hurt worse than Cole ever hurt me. Or Jake for that matter.
Oh, yeah, let's not go there. No one wants their day ruined hearing about Bridget screaming in pain and Cole laughing. He used to tell Ben things and Ben would agree with him, that I was around for their use. That Ben could have me. Dangling me like a piece of meat in front of my friends and he could force my hands behind my back and shove me forward and I would have tears streaming down my face and Ben felt guilty because Cole was going too far. But what of the desire it brought out in Ben? Do you think I didn't see it? I saw it then and I saw it the night he touched me when he was loaded. I saw it written all over his face and I just tucked it away for later. His betrayal stung me but at the same time I loved it. I loved it that he wanted me so bad. I always knew. But I tucked it away. For later.
Now, it is later. And my only thoughts of revenge lean toward stealing his presence for my comfort, exploiting a history he no longer cares about. At the same time falling in love with this guy because he won't get out of my way. It's too soon, it's all wrong and it won't ever be fair to anyone.
Here's the one shining point to be the wrench in the gears. I don't feel crazy with him. Never have. If you'll notice anything striking, out of all the times I've gone down screaming he is nowhere to be found. I left him out of it. I never thought he could handle me being uncontrollable because he's always had his own monkey to wrestle with. When he came to the hotel, that was his very first attempt to pull me out of the fire. He did well. And for some reason when he's around I feel like he and I are on the same page, that we make decisions together, we talk and no one gets the upper hand, no one is in charge, we're just us. Not crazy, though, never crazy. Never unstable, never fucked up. I have a love for him that is so different and so profound I can't even describe it to him or to myself. Why do you think he never leaves me, even when he tells me he hates me? We're already in love, it's been five years now.
How does that happen?
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
So this is where we are. You may say I'm stupid or foolish or easy or you may say I'm in pain and looking for a way out or a way in to dilute that pain and you might say it's a disaster in the making, but it's okay.
Because I still can't hear you.
