Hanging by threads of palest silver
I could have stayed that way forever
Bad blood and ghosts wrapped tight around me
Nothing could ever seem to touch me
I lose what I love most
Did you know I was lost until you found me?
A stroke of luck or a gift from God?
The hand of fate or devil's claws?
From below or saints above?
You came to me
Here comes the cold again
I feel it closing in
It's falling down and
All around me falling
I opened my eyes in the dark and looked at the clock. It was three in the morning. I went down to the kitchen and Ben was already there, quietly putting on the kettle.
Why are you awake?
I don't know, I just woke up. You?
Same. Join me for a nightcap?
He held up the hot chocolate tin and I smiled and went to get two mugs. We didn't talk anymore, waiting for the kettle to begin it's quiet whistle and Ben pulled it quickly from the heat. We blew down the steam and sipped thoughtfully, staring at each other across the wide wooden table.
When we were finished Ben took both mugs and put them in the sink and then he held out his hand. I took it. He was going to walk me back to my room where the kids were sleeping.
We stopped outside the door and he pulled me back toward him and kissed me.
Oh geez, why did he have to do that? I stepped back out, closing the door quietly and began to walk toward his room instead. Next door. He didn't follow, he was rooted to the spot.
I think I'm dreaming.
Shhh, don't wake anyone.
Soon I was firmly ensconced in Ben's arms, his face jutting up over my head, his breathing quiet. His sheets were so warm. Dark brown jersey. Like a favorite t-shirt or the arms of an old friend. I moved and he lifted his head off the pillow and moved his arm up as I turned inward to face him.
You smell so good, I'll never be able to sleep.
Sorry.
Don't be.
I pushed my head up until I found his lips. I kissed him, a long kiss, a loving kiss. He responded easily, his arms sliding down around me. He climbed over me and kissed my neck and then my lips again and I pulled my legs up around his hips. He rolled off me promptly and reached up to turn the light on.
Bridget, I don't want us to be a casualty as friends. I can't do that.
Me neither.
And I know I always back out at the last minute but I really need you in my life and if we're just going to have a fling and ruin everything then I don't want to lose you.
So let's not let it ruin everything.
How do we prevent that?
We keep things good between us and respect each other.
I've done the fuckbuddies thing, I'm not interested in trivializing you like that.
What do you want us to be?
I'd like it if you were my girlfriend.
Jacob-
Jacob's dead, Bridget. And you're still alive.
Sometimes I wonder.
You feel alive to me.
Do I?
Definitely.
Let's just take it slow then.
Okay, I'll go sleep downstairs.
No, stay here.
I can't.
Ben, just fuck off and be here.
Bridge, if I stay here we're not friends anymore, I'll just warn you right now.
What are we going to be then?
Lovers.
Lovers.
Are you okay with that?
Yes.
I nodded as he turned off the light.
He kissed me hard and pressed against me. I was caught up in his arms, so warm and strong and wanting and it felt so good. My legs found their way back to his hips and I put my arms around his neck and he wrapped his arms around me tighter and kissed me again.
Now you're in the right place, Bridge.
I wish I had a heart to give you.
You do-
I don't. It's gone, it's broken. It's not beating. I don't know where these feelings are even coming from.
He put his hand over my heart.
Right here. It's right here. It's faint but it's healing, that's all.
His voice was raw, filled with emotion and fear. I could hear his fear. Fear of losing me, losing us, the closest friendship we've both ever had in our lives. How many times have we given up on each other but not given up on each other? We could never stay away, never be apart. He kissed me gently and I know he was about to leave and so I countered his tenderness with a sudden hunger I couldn't hide. I reached the point of no return. He followed. I couldn't ride hard enough against him. We devoured each other.
For such a goof he's probably the most sexually experienced guy I have ever been with and it showed as we spent the rest of the early Saturday morning getting to know each other on a whole new plane of existence. Finally we couldn't move another muscle. He kissed me again but didn't say a word, he just held on very, very hard. We had torn at each other until there was nothing left and we realized we hadn't lost a thing.
The sun rose.
Not a thing.
I went to meet him last night too, and it was more of the same. This is all so new. It's like we're falling for each other in reverse but slowly, too. Physically first and emotions seem to trail along afterwards like wayward children. I never expected to feel this strongly for him and it shows. Every time I look at him I smiled involuntarily.
The other guys caught on fast. He didn't say a thing, and neither did I. We didn't have to. I think it was obvious. We've now drawn a huge amount of endless teasing for getting together on a snowy weekend in which we did little more than sit together in the corner of the big sectional in the great room, hunkered down into a blanket together, watching the fire, talking quietly while everyone else played outside, getting to know each other in this way, this new way, so new the tag is still attached and we're still not even sure if it fits.
Okay, that's a lie. We know it fits. Like a...oh, nevermind.
