(The old/new title wasn't meant to be cheeky, it's a nod to the trolls I feed).
I ran this morning. I picked the coldest day of the year and I ran and I sang to myself because my phone stopped working the moment I opened it and then my legs stopped working shortly after that and I only had one decent fall that will come back to haunt me tomorrow.
I need new gear, some of it is tight. Hauling an extra twenty pounds on my frame is exhausting and so I'm going to try to fix it. I'd like happy mediums instead of hard lows and epic highs. I'd like it to be warm. I'd like not to have to deal with the climbing gear I found in the attic and I'd like to know that I'm doing okay from someone that has no stake in my life, financially or emotionally. I'm tired of being the little bourgeoisie princess with too much money and too much heartbreak and I'd like to blend in.
Jacob promised to teach me how to stop thinking and just be, but we weren't finished and I can't remember the steps and ironically it is like filling a thimble from a bucket instead of the other way around.
I ran down to the bench today too. I wasn't going to even tell you that because the boys will probably be pissed because they can't figure me out and Cole is an appropriate listener and yet he didn't have any answers but Jacob is too far out of my reach to try to talk to right now and so I ran through the silent cold and just tried to stop thinking.
this is the first day of my last days
I built it up now I take it apart
climbed up real high now fall down real far
no need for me to stay the last thing left I just threw it away
I put my faith in god and my trust in you
now there's nothing more fucked up I could do
wish there was something real wish there was something true
wish there was something real in this world full of you
I'm the one without a soul
I'm the one with this big fucking hole
