I had a moment of panic yesterday late afternoon when I suddenly wondered if we were capable of bringing Ben home after all, even though I wanted to so badly. If we could manage. What would happen if something went wrong, as we're close to an hour from the nearest hospital.
(It's just like that feeling when they let you leave the hospital after giving birth and you just take your baby with you and you're thinking, what? You're just going to let me leave with this fragile human? I don't even know how to take care of them. Are you sure? Do I have to sign something? Do I need to pay for them? Aren't you coming with me? Is there an instruction manual? Oh my God, they're crying again, maybe we should stay a little longer?)
Ben just wanted his own bed, though when he went to have a shower Daniel came up with him and sat on the bench outside the bathroom with the door cracked open just a little in case Ben got dizzy or anything went wrong because I could happily watch him shower but if he slips or keels over I can't physically catch him. Too small.
Lochlan could do it but not full weight without any warning. That's a lot to ask.
But nothing bad happened and now Ben smells like our soap instead of institution and Daniel has finally exhaled as it is the two of them in this world and goddammit they've been through enough. Once he was judged to be fine Ben said he was going to go to bed early and Daniel went and curled up beside him. I cried because Daniel was so afraid during this but he was so brave and this seems right. He needs this, needs his big brother and as much as I wanted it I can wait another day.
Even in sleep Benjamin still looks like a raging maniac. He'll have permanent scarring underneath his hair (when it grows back in). He has headaches and moments of vertigo and confusion if people talk too fast all at once (God help us in this house) and he reaches for the handrail and considers stairs and inclines for a beat, leaving me profoundly grateful for Emmett's railings. He loses focus easily and gets angry easily. He's afraid to go into his studio but we're going to tackle that this morning maybe, if he wants. He's tired. So tired. But he's intact and his brain is working and they say everything will either come back in time, or not and just to wait and see.
Thank you for your prayers that I stole a couple of weeks ago. They worked and I will repay you when the time comes that you need them returned, though I hope that doesn't happen.