Since it's not that far to Provo I called for a plane yesterday and managed to get an empty leg flight for Benjamin, Daniel and Schuyler and gave Schuyler the money back for the commercial tickets, and he laughed at me and declined my e-transfer.
We don't care about any of that stuff. Time, as always, means so much more than money and Ben is home. He is fat again, not sure how he manages to gain so much weight is so many short weeks but he does, and he brought his journal where he wrote out his hopes and dreams and he said we should read it.
It was indeed what Everett calls a top-up visit, a way to renew Ben's commitment to his sobriety while understanding the tenuousness of it and how it relates to his relationship with me in where he sacrificed himself to give me something to worry about so that I wouldn't worry about everything else and then he realized how tenuous it actually is.
Also, I just add that worry on. Everything else remains right where it is. When it comes to fretting and anxiousness I am the world's best mutlitasker, and I can't even walk and breathe at the same time.
I had to wait though. The car pulled down beside the front walk and the driver got out, opening the doors first and then going around and pulling the bags out of the trunk. Everyone is hanging back by the fountain and once the car pulled away again, Ben made the rounds to greet everyone. He always leaves me for last so that he doesn't have to let go and this reunion was no exception, except for after several moments holding me off the ground, not moving, he grabbed Lochlan back in so he could hold us both. Lochlan already had a hug. What the fuck. But it was so stunning to have him back suddenly, the bull in our china shop, taking up so much space here in our world. I don't think I could have lasted another day, honestly. Not sure Lochlan could have either. I'm sure Caleb might have, as he knocked on our door late last night asking for eleventh-hour companionship, coming in briefly to plead his case, being gently denied and then leaving before we could request it. I knew that would happen and I know he's probably still smarting from it but I can't worry about that right now.
I only let go of Ben at the end of my hug so that he could go take a long hot bath in the big tub but he just called for me so um..bye. :)