Prone to wander, prone to lash out.

This is what it looks like when someone's slipping.

So you lost yourself
So you lost your way
Found life through someone else
But you threw it all away

A whole morning without power or wifi gave me enough courage to sort through some boxes in the storage room.

All the boys seem to be working this weekend, or otherwise occupied and so I put on headphones and tucked my phone in my pocket and hit shuffle and I let it play for several hours until I had sorted through Cole's things and then Jacob's too.

I kept too much.

I tried to keep everything as if it would be some way to pretend they were both still here. I kept it in case I needed it. I gave away a lot, though. Books, clothing, vehicles, snowmobiles. Hockey gear. DVDs. And then the rest I taped into boxes and I put them in the dark at the very back of my heart and I kind of left them there until I could manage to do a little better.

I think I've decided I can't and may never do better.

 Opening some of those boxes was like ripping off a scab or ripping open stitches on a wound that isn't even close to healing. I can deal with thoughts of Cole. God bless him, he made it easy. He was so beautiful and terrible and now I have Caleb in Cole's image to fill in the hard parts when I actually do miss him. That was twenty years of my life, you know.

But Jacob's things I started to pull out and a whole slew of forbidden songs seemed to flood my ears, one after another, and my knuckles turned white and my eyes started to sting and I wound up curled up in a chair mostly paralyzed and I shouldn't have picked a time when Ben isn't here to do that because Ben is the one who's always been best at bringing me back around but maybe there is no going back now. Maybe purgatory isn't where someone goes as they wait for their soul to be assigned, maybe it's where the person who is left behind goes to spend the remainder of their own life. It seems so much kinder then moving on, don't you agree?

I gave it a good shot but I don't think it's possible. I don't actually have any courage after all, it must have been a reflection.

I put everything back and then I jammed myself in there beside my Jacob-boxes and I will turn terrible now and refuse to 'get over him' because he meant more to me than that.

So fuck you.