Here's a story I'm not in the mood to share but hey, why not? And now with links for those who aren't up to speed.
The all-day bachelor party ended early, with some of the guys returning to the house around ten thirty. They were all positively wasted and so I sent two of them to the guest room, two to the living room and in between all that Jake crashed on the porch swing and I couldn't move him so I had to leave him there when I went to bed. Everyone was fast asleep when I locked up and shut off all the lights on my way upstairs. I think I fell asleep in seconds.
In my dream I was abruptly awakened.
I gasped when fingers were shoved inside me. Someone was kissing my neck, their weight making it hard to breathe. I tensed up my whole body because all I usually had to do was wait out Cole when he woke me up in the night seeking fulfillment.
As the fog of sleep cleared from my head I realized I was awake, for real. And that Cole is dead.
This was no dream. I couldn't even wrap my mind around what was happening.
It dawned on me that the man on top of me was clean-shaven, something I don't go for, neither Cole nor Jacob ever touch(ed) a razor unless it's a very special occasion.
I cried out and was surprised at a hand being cupped hard over my mouth and nose. I couldn't breathe. His voice spoke into my ear, loud enough because he knows me.
You don't want to wake everyone up, do you, princess?
Ben's voice. Slurring heavily.
Oh fuck Oh fuck Oh fuck Oh fuck.
He took his hand away and started to unbuckle his jeans and I screamed as loud as I could. I really don't care who I woke up at this point. He jumped up, staggering, and flung the door open just in time to face a crazed-looking Jacob with Robin and Chris right behind him, still half-drunk, they had no idea what the hell was going on. Jacob saw Ben and he knew instantly. He had warned me before.
Jacob charged into the room, grabbing Ben by the throat. Robin took me downstairs after I checked the kids. I told them I had a bad dream and held them for a long time. I couldn't hear Jacob, he was talking to Ben in a hushed angry whisper. Soon Ben came downstairs followed by Jacob and he didn't even try to leave. He just stood there. Jacob came over to me and put his arms around me and asked me if Ben had touched me and what he had done. I told Jake and he shook his head and kissed my cheek. He pulled back and smoothed my hair back behind my ears. So fucking grim. He told me he would be home in a bit and he and Ben left. Ben started to try to apologize to me but Jacob stopped him cold.
Don't you even SPEAK to my wife.
I sent Chris after them and Robin stayed and made some tea. I was alright, I just couldn't stop shaking. I kept staring at Robin, wondering if all guys are secretly monsters when given to weakness or if I'm crazy. Ben had been alone with me more than anyone else in the days following Cole's assault, when I was completely incapacitated and heavily medicated. Unless I'm unaware of any inappropriate behavior, he was trusted. Not anymore.
Robin brought the tea over and I jumped out of my skin when he put it down. He retreated quickly to the front room, probably reading my mind.
Jacob came back an hour later and sent Robin home in a cab. The full cup of tea was still sitting there, untouched. Kind of like me.
Jake gathered me up off the chair and just held me. So tight. So good.
This was my fault. I felt short on friends and I asked Jake to forgive Ben and let him come hang out again, because he's not a sick bastard, he's just misunderstood. Every word I said about him came back on a plate disguised as crow for me to consume and yet Jake hasn't once said I told you so.
Instead he prayed out loud to be in the right place at the right time to help me when I need it most instead of always being one moment too late. He prayed for my protection and my ease in life and for a safe environment in which I could thrive uninhibited without worrying about being hurt ever again. If it were up to him I would live in a turret and he would have the only key.
God is attempting to pay me back because I fucked around on Cole so I'm going to be punished repeatedly and Jacob's sentence is to always not be present. So I get the horror and he gets the guilt and together we're just trying to make it through one goddamned month without everything going horribly wrong.
He fell asleep last night cradling me in his arms like he does every night, only I don't think he really slept, I think he faked it so that I might fall asleep. I didn't even close my eyes. This after both of us yanking all the sheets off the bed in painful silence, remaking it out of necessity. The scalding shower did nothing to erase Ben's touch. Nothing.
This morning I asked him what happened to Ben after they left. Jacob just looked at me wearily, he didn't answer. Instead he offered to pour me some more coffee and then he said he would work from home today. He walked with us to the school and brought his laptop to the kitchen for the day, he hasn't been more than six feet away since.
Ben even sent me a text message at lunchtime telling me he was going to go to AA. What the fuck? Great, Ben. You go fucking improve yourself. Thanks for nothing.
And I know that I should press charges, I know I should be filing a report, I know what it was, and I can't bring myself to do anything. The simple fact that Ben has been here cheering on my progress, feeding my kids and being my friend has left me in worse shock than when Cole came after me, and whether Ben was drunk out of his mind or not, he took away one of the few comforts that I had worked so damn hard to rebuild and now I'm starting from scratch, again, with trust. I feel completely violated and so does Jacob. He's my husband. Someone else touched me. Now he know how it feels only worse, adding a whole new dimension to this relationship. If this isn't stacking all the odds against us I don't know what is.
