You know something?
I don't really want to talk about it.
Jacob wanted to talk. A lot. He has spent the past few days talking about nothing but that. And I held up as long as I possibly could. Then I just couldn't do it anymore. He pushed too hard. He does that sometimes. We get along so well that when we don't see eye to eye it's deeply frustrating and painful for both of us and we start bickering, though we usually save it for politics and matters that fall into the ethical gray area in life. We call it our failure to emulsify on a subject.
I don't want to talk about it anymore.
I can take you over to the station now if you're ready.
I'm not ready.
Well, then when do you want to go? Or I can call Mike and he can send someone here, if you'd rather.
No, Jacob.
Bridget, just tell me when.
Never. I'm done.
What?
I said-
I heard you but I really don't understand.
I'm not doing anything.
You have to. He sexually assaulted you. My God, baby, please.
Stop talking about it, Jake. I can't talk about it.
He has to be punished. Are you going to let him get away with this?
Yes. I am. His punishment is that he's gone from my life and this time there are no second chances.
I don't believe you. How can you not do this?
Because if I drag this out I'll lose my mind.
Drag it out? Jesus, Bridget, HE HURT YOU.
He didn't hurt me, Jake. He couldn't help himself. He was drunk.
He almost raped you. And I only just barely didn't kill him. I wish I had.
What did you do to him, Jacob?
Bridge, don't worry about me or him, I only care about you. I need answers.
Well then we're even aren't we?
He stormed out of the room. He's incredulous. Everyone is. Except for me and most likely Ben. Ben probably knows the last thing I would ever want is to go round two of courts and lawyers and doctors and police. He probably thought Jacob would steer me to do it all anyways but Jacob doesn't override my actions. He doesn't want to have to live like that and I don't either.
But I can't do it.
I can't go through all that again. I knew I wouldn't press charges about ten minutes after Jacob steered Ben out the back door. I just didn't say anything because no one listens to what I want when things are bad, they're all too busy doing damage control while I stand in the middle and try to preserve my equanimity. It's uncannily familiar territory. So in the interest of my need for normalcy and progress at last I have to drop it and walk away and if Jacob wants to swallow that bitter pill the hard way, well, I'll wait him out. Ben losing his entire circle of friends with his unforgivable actions is enough, trust me. He crossed a line he was barely toeing in the first place. And as always, and you're going to hate this comment, it could have been so much worse.
It can always be worse.
Save your energies for the people who have been hurt very badly, I have support and I'm okay. As usual I'll haul myself up on the shoulders of those around me and keep going, because I can.
Trust me, Ben is not even half as scary as Cole was. This part is easy.
And I'm done, I'm not talking about Ben anymore. When someone has been in my shoes then they can weigh in with opinions, and that's that. I'm doing what I need to do, and not worrying about the rest. I really have to allow life to move along.
So here's the post I really had ready for today. Thinking about this makes me smile, it makes me feel warm.
It involves part of a dream I had last night.
What if when you traveled or were on your own in a strange place there would be a way to get comfort on the run? I had a vision of a special room or area at the airport, with yellow lights above a stark white hallway and if you needed someone or wanted comfort you would go and stand under those lights and anyone who saw you there would approach you and invite you to have a meal with them, share a cab or simply give you a long hug. I realize it's an impossibility, a horribly invasive and assumptive series of events but at the same time if you have ever navigated an airport alone and felt as if what was inside your own skin brought the only familiarity in an alien sea of people then you'd probably agree that this would be a splendid invention.
Jacob's church is like that, you know.
Like a sea of yellow lights above us, and beneath it a group of amazing, cohesive people who love (meaning support) each other as much as you can love someone you don't know. And it's mind blowing. Like a warm hug in a cold airport, you can take solace from it when you need it and when you don't you give that comfort to others.
Maybe my dream is a less-familial version than the church but it would force people to think outside their universe.
I should know, I'm known for living in my own 'here and now' just a little too much. My world revolves around me and for once I'd like to walk past those lights instead of always being forced to stop and wait for the inevitable hugs from everyone who finds me there. Enough already.
