I think you were better before he came back.
That was before people died. Things are different now.
Yes but you were navigating life with more confidence then. Now you shake almost all the time. You don't do anything without permission or approval.
Lochlan would not agree with you-
He never agreed with me about anything anyway. But we do have something big in common.
The kitchen table-
No, we both want you away from Caleb.
I don't want that.
That isn't you talking, it's the abuse he inflicted on you.
Yeah, well, it's not like it's a separate entity. It's part of me now.
Does it have to be, Princess?
If I want to keep him in my life it does.
Cut him loose and save yourself.
It's too late for that-
It's never too late for that.
If he left forever it would be like he was dead too and I can't do that. I can't-
Like everyone else, those who are gone are still part of you. They shape who you have become.
Now you're contradicting yourself.
Am I? Oh, I am, I guess. I just want to give you permission.
I take a bite of my ham sandwich. The wind whips all around me and I shiver. It's so cold today but I am promising myself a picnic a week and it's the only dry day we're going to get. I stare at Jacob but he is hard to focus on because my eyes keep swimming and then dry in the wind and then swim again.
Permission?
Since you seem to look for it. Permission to let him go. You don't have to keep everyone. He will probably flourish too, just like you will without him-
I fall apart without him.
Maybe at first but eventually it will be easier.
In fifteen years like with you? Be careful with your answer here and remember I have known Caleb since I was eight years old.
I wish I had done things differently.
Me, too.
I should have killed him but I was trying to keep God in my heart when I spoke to him.
God likes to throw punches though, huh. I laugh in spite of myself and Jacob frowns. I can see my Jeep right through his face. Wow, this sucks.
I should have said it was an accident but then I wouldn't have been able to live with mys-
I choke suddenly, rush to climb down off the wall, gather my lunch and my book and run up the hill. It's too cold suddenly and too hard to be out here and PJ was right. I should eat by the fire.
I get a glass of water and then for good measure finish Lochlan's tea. He is amused and waits until I am finished.
Did Jacob at least try to talk you out of letting Caleb come back?
Yes.
Good. He is relieved. At least now someone's on my side here.