Deep breath. Step outside in the rain. Pull my coat a little tighter around my bones as I wait for Lochlan to pull the truck up to the front walkway. One month remains and Jacob would have been forty-eight had he not chosen to fly instead. It's been eleven years, almost, since that time and it's only barely dulled, still agony, still aching in my soul, and I'd happily give it back to the Devil if it meant it wouldn't hurt this much.
But today is our Thanksgiving. We're going to church, we're going to cook turkey and stuffing later for dinner and we're going to go around the table and list what we are thankful for out loud, taking the time to give those items their due, gravely as such, solemnly.
I am thankful for so many things, I think as Lochlan comes around to open my door for me, waiting until I am in safely in and belted, coat gathered up under my legs so it doesn't get caught, before closing the door and coming back around the front of the truck to get in his side.
I'm thankful for my stubbornness in getting and keeping my job (even though I hate the job), the almost five thousand dollars I've earned in the six months time I've been a waitress, and for the boys' reluctance to insist that I quit, even as I come home in pain and in tears, more often than not.
I'm thankful to Jacob. He taught me how to let go, how to hold on. How to deal with the loss of Cole. How to love outside of the Collective and how to pray. How to open my heart to Lochlan again after so long. His absence renewed something bigger than myself, bigger than my heart. His death brought us all back together in a way I thought I'd never see again in my lifetime but the space he occupied will forever remain empty in remembrance of who he was to me.
That's not beautiful or eloquent. I don't know how I will word it at dinner tonight or how I can even make Lochlan see that he isn't up against an adversary he can't fight, he's here because of that adversary and I wouldn't change anything that's happened since Jacob left because it's been all better than good. I just wish I didn't have to trade one for another, I wish I didn't have to choose, didn't have to miss, didn't have to love from down here knowing that I'll probably not end up in heaven, in spite of Sam's insistence, told to me directly in the sermon today as I sat, damp and miserable, my rain-soaked coat wrapped tightly around my broken heart, ineffective safety mechanism as it was underneath Lochlan's arm around my neck, tighter as the words hit their targets, loosened when the words stopped altogether.
It was a hell of a morning and will probably be a hell of a night. Wish me some luck, I'm trying to turn it around a little here.
But today is our Thanksgiving. We're going to church, we're going to cook turkey and stuffing later for dinner and we're going to go around the table and list what we are thankful for out loud, taking the time to give those items their due, gravely as such, solemnly.
I am thankful for so many things, I think as Lochlan comes around to open my door for me, waiting until I am in safely in and belted, coat gathered up under my legs so it doesn't get caught, before closing the door and coming back around the front of the truck to get in his side.
I'm thankful for my stubbornness in getting and keeping my job (even though I hate the job), the almost five thousand dollars I've earned in the six months time I've been a waitress, and for the boys' reluctance to insist that I quit, even as I come home in pain and in tears, more often than not.
I'm thankful to Jacob. He taught me how to let go, how to hold on. How to deal with the loss of Cole. How to love outside of the Collective and how to pray. How to open my heart to Lochlan again after so long. His absence renewed something bigger than myself, bigger than my heart. His death brought us all back together in a way I thought I'd never see again in my lifetime but the space he occupied will forever remain empty in remembrance of who he was to me.
That's not beautiful or eloquent. I don't know how I will word it at dinner tonight or how I can even make Lochlan see that he isn't up against an adversary he can't fight, he's here because of that adversary and I wouldn't change anything that's happened since Jacob left because it's been all better than good. I just wish I didn't have to trade one for another, I wish I didn't have to choose, didn't have to miss, didn't have to love from down here knowing that I'll probably not end up in heaven, in spite of Sam's insistence, told to me directly in the sermon today as I sat, damp and miserable, my rain-soaked coat wrapped tightly around my broken heart, ineffective safety mechanism as it was underneath Lochlan's arm around my neck, tighter as the words hit their targets, loosened when the words stopped altogether.
It was a hell of a morning and will probably be a hell of a night. Wish me some luck, I'm trying to turn it around a little here.