He was like a broken record for a while.
Every second sentence out of your mouth begins with "Lochlan". Every thought in your head starts with him. Stop putting him on a pedestal. He cut you free. He doesn't care about you anymore, Bridget.
It was knives to my heart. Knives that twisted and turned down pathways paved with flickering multicolored lights instead of blood. Being human wasn't keeping me alive, being weird did.
You've got to stop thinking about him. He left. You're mine now.
Cole's broken record played a song I'll never forget, verses reminding me I was never good enough, the chorus a litany of everything I wasn't and everything I would never be. That song was stuck in my head for so long, even as he would wrap me in his flannel shirts on very cold nights (just like Lochlan used to) because my shoulders shivered so. Even as he happily pushed me off to Lochlan for random drive-by affection as only Lochlan could ever get away with, the song swelling loud in my brain like a siren heralding his proximity.
And Lochlan was a safe thought even as Cole let his brother rip me to shreds on his whims, showering me with deposit slips afterward as if I was a commodity he was investing in.
I suppose I am and he was, looking back now.
And I learned to put up a wall between myself and Lochlan. An ice-cold division made of silence and payback. A bitter, painful memory that ballooned in an open festering wound that time and reunification seem to do very little to fix. His promises have been reinstated. The past is the past. The silence stopped abruptly and the music swelled up once more and still...
Still...
It's far too easy to look for comfort from someone, anyone else. I used to think it was because I was afraid I was cursed and that I would kill him too somehow but now it seems like it's so much more complicated than that.
I don't know the words to this song, Lochlan whispers to me in the dark, helpless as I refuse to let go of the wall I put up between us, on this night named Duncan.
Hum along and eventually you'll figure them out, I snap back quietly. At least you can hear them.
Every second sentence out of your mouth begins with "Lochlan". Every thought in your head starts with him. Stop putting him on a pedestal. He cut you free. He doesn't care about you anymore, Bridget.
It was knives to my heart. Knives that twisted and turned down pathways paved with flickering multicolored lights instead of blood. Being human wasn't keeping me alive, being weird did.
You've got to stop thinking about him. He left. You're mine now.
Cole's broken record played a song I'll never forget, verses reminding me I was never good enough, the chorus a litany of everything I wasn't and everything I would never be. That song was stuck in my head for so long, even as he would wrap me in his flannel shirts on very cold nights (just like Lochlan used to) because my shoulders shivered so. Even as he happily pushed me off to Lochlan for random drive-by affection as only Lochlan could ever get away with, the song swelling loud in my brain like a siren heralding his proximity.
And Lochlan was a safe thought even as Cole let his brother rip me to shreds on his whims, showering me with deposit slips afterward as if I was a commodity he was investing in.
I suppose I am and he was, looking back now.
And I learned to put up a wall between myself and Lochlan. An ice-cold division made of silence and payback. A bitter, painful memory that ballooned in an open festering wound that time and reunification seem to do very little to fix. His promises have been reinstated. The past is the past. The silence stopped abruptly and the music swelled up once more and still...
Still...
It's far too easy to look for comfort from someone, anyone else. I used to think it was because I was afraid I was cursed and that I would kill him too somehow but now it seems like it's so much more complicated than that.
I don't know the words to this song, Lochlan whispers to me in the dark, helpless as I refuse to let go of the wall I put up between us, on this night named Duncan.
Hum along and eventually you'll figure them out, I snap back quietly. At least you can hear them.