Lochlan is where I learned that birthdays were to be dreaded and then pointedly endured and it took Jacob the better part of three years to teach me differently. Just as I began to get excited about them again for the first time since I was in the single digits he was gone and birthdays revert back to an odd sort of industrial-emotional obstacle that I'm never sure I fully clear.
I would try harder to deflect Lochlan's opinions on things but it's so hard. Too hard. Once we were back home from his birthday dinner and I had the kids safely in bed I returned to him. He pulled me into the bathroom where he proceeded to roughly scrub the remainder of the sharpie marker off my fingers from Saturday and then he steered me back into the den.
He passes me his library card.
What is this?
The privilege of borrowing, princess.
I have one. I try to pass it back but he just hammers his index finger on it to grind his point home, a hole through the plastic, straight on through to the other side, baby.
Life is a library card, Bridget. You borrow emotions, events, experiences and then you put them back on the shelf for someone else. All of it is temporary. Life is borrowing love, breath, joy. Then we're done.
Don't, Lochlan.
Why the hell not? I'm in love with a fucking library book! I can check you out but you're a bestseller so I can't renew! Fuck your fucking allegories, princess. And fuck Benjamin too! I was here first!
I'm going to go. I'm not doing this tonight.
You're not alone. Why would you care?
I have been alone.
Yeah, for a whole hour. Maybe less.
What do you know? You've NEVER been there when I needed you.
Yeah, well then maybe I'm not worth it. Get the fuck out.
How much did you drink tonight?
CLEARLY NOT ENOUGH. It hurts. It fucking hurts so bad and it never goes away.
You made the call.
I know. Don't you think I know that, Bridget? What I don't know is how to make you forgive me. How to make you mine again. I've watched every one of them home in on you and then take you from me and I don't know how to stop this. Once and for all. I just want it to stop. How do I make it stop?
Go to sleep, Lochlan. You need it.
Yeah. Goodnight, library card. Check you out tomorrow.
Goodnight, Lochlan.
Like my pun?
No, not really.
You should stay, Bridgie. I just wish you would stay. I miss you. God, I miss you so much.
I am already gone. I close the door quietly so that it doesn't click. I'm sure he is asleep before I make it down the hall.
