I had a feeling one day late last week, well , last night anyway, of not belonging. The sun looked strange, my belongings alien, and I felt like if I lifted one foot off the earth the other might go with it and I would be yanked up into the atmosphere and no one would hear my cry. Then to cement the unusualness of that evening, after we went to bed, Jacob fell asleep instantly and I stood in the window watching the lightning strike the ground and the rain beat down so hard it have to have left dimples in the pavement. It roared through my head like a jet engine and it took subsequent hours afterward to get to sleep. Hours.
I didn't feel connected. I didn't feel present. I didn't feel like I had anything to call my own, not even an emotion that didn't end in fear and self-loathing. And it's dumb not having trust in things I'm supposed to lean on but won't and it's positively ridiculous how spending several days in the company of new perspective can pull the rug out from under so many things you thought were carved in stone.
August afforded me a view of Jacob's other side, a side I know less well, having experienced the less-chaotic part of Jacob, the part that rests, the side of him that's domestic and calm and settled. August has seen, traveled with and experienced Jacob in the wild. He's talked with Jacob in a way Jacob and I will never talk, because we always had the weight of our mutual attraction holding our conversations hostage. We could so easily just be together, and spend time we had saved, and yet all of our talks were stripped of their pertinent information and facts and innuendos about each other and filed away in our locked hearts to keep safe, because we knew.
August, of course, has never seen the side of Jacob I know, to be fair, though he arrived and saw how incredibly perfectly we fit together. How, despite the difficulties and the baggage and everything else we've two halves of a whole. Even with our doubts or moments where we really think something is going to blow up in our faces we know it won't, a trust I was looking for, a promise even Jacob isn't capable of making but he made it. Oh, he makes it daily. He wouldn't go if I sent him, he'd stay until we were shredded with pain and agony and then he'd stay on longer. August somehow showed me that Jacob most definitely is not the kind of man who stays when the going gets tough. He ducked out of life early on, considered a monastery far away and then opted to explore a looser ideal of God closer to home. When pressure mounts, he runs, having traveled to the ends of the earth on a shoestring just to get away from imaginary and real difficulties.
August pointed out that Jacob is still here.
And he was blown away by that, once he understood what our life together has been like so far.
Jacob shrugged and told him that I was what he wanted and now he has me and he needs nothing else in this lifetime. Something he has said to me privately but it's pillow talk, reassurance, or his charm, so I thought.
No, it's simply a fact for Jacob. He found what he was looking for. Now that he is here and I am here he is complete. He no longer requires a bible and a trail mix bar and a harness somewhere unpronounceable in the Himalayas to keep him going, to renew his life zeal, to give him adventure. He has it in a stormy little blonde package.
And then I was blown away too. He's an open guy but he gets teased by most of our friends for his apparent infatuation so he doesn't expand, well, not anymore. They know. With August it was easy for him to feel more comfortable and he could say whatever he wanted without a backlash or frat-boy retorts.
I have it easy. I can wax and wane about Jake and everyone just smiles. I had talked myself into it, wanting the trust and the comfort to magically appear because I hope it would. And then the trust came.
So the comfort cannot be far behind.
Don't get me wrong. There's an ease with Jacob I never had with Cole. As if I even need to spell it down here. I don't fear for my safety or my life with Jacob. I don't have to anticipate mood swings and rages directed at me or live in Cole's tumultuous emotional battles. The difference, for me with the comfort lies in knowing Cole would just step in front of me and fix anything that went wrong in our lives. The car, the house, the money, the furnace. The strap on my bag, the binding on my favorite book. He bought me trinkets and cried exactly four times in twenty years.
Jacob is even, his mood is perpetually jovial, buoyed by being in love, in having it all. He has no mood swings. He rages, but not at me, more like on my behalf. He will step in front of me if there is danger but otherwise he places his hand in the small of my back and forces me to confront, fix and repair weaknesses in myself. He gifts me daily with romance on epic scales and saves his tears for his despair over our difficulties, over the bitterness of having to struggle after having won each other's hearts for good. His tears come easily and are unashamed.
He won't rest until my feelings of disconnectedness are gone, until I am used to him. Until I am used to good things. He tries to hurry me along, which he knows is bad, but he just can't help it.
I still look at him and have to catch my breath. I find myself twirling my necklaces around and smiling when I think of him, I turn goosebumped. All tousled blonde hair and sinewy strength, his pale blue eyes crinkling right down to his dimples which are such a rare treat under the crazy blonde beard. His huge white teeth. His strong hands. The rolled-up sleeves and always bare feet at home. The watch I gave him that he never takes off unless he's making love to me, the watch with the darker blue face that compliments those endless eyes. I always wanted blue eyes but instead I got green. He loves my eyes. I love his. He loves everything about me except for one thing and that is my recklessness.
And I'm not the reckless one. I don't run off and do dangerous things. I park my ass in stasis and I wait things out. Which is interesting to be thought of as reckless and I'm not. I simply had a death wish. A self-comfort to the extreme. Things get too hard? I can check out.
Would I check out?
I don't know now. That's why I said I had one, instead of saying I have one.
I was visiting a friend with Jacob last week and this friend offered us a peek of his view on the fifteenth-story balcony. Jacob walked out easily. I could not. My knees went to rubber and my hands shook. I had the feeling of falling from that height. That was all I could picture, jumping, and still Jacob encouraged me to come out, as if to prove that I didn't have to courage to even walk out there, so how would I ever have the courage to climb the rail, and so my great escape is a moot point. No net. No safety.
An unspoken dare, maybe, because Jacob isn't sophisticated enough to see that that my fears won't protect me. Because he is simple in that way with his life ironed down to the basics: need, want and waste. He needs God, he wants his family and everything else is a waste, save for some beautiful sunsets, an endless horizon and a larder full.
I will protect his simple wants because it's what I work toward. Being less complicated. Being less difficult.
To prove my good intentions, I have gained weight. I promised I would. Working my way back slowly to good physical health was my show of faith and I'm doing it. 107 this morning which made him laugh out loud with delight and clap his hands. A normal weight. Very normal. I can stop pinning my clothes again.
The other night he took me out for lobster and wine and I think I ate everything and I was so full when we left I almost fell asleep in the truck on the way home. Learning to bask in the content, while I wait for the comfort, because, like August pointed out, Jacob is still here.
