Wednesday, 18 July 2007

He called.

    The only way out
    is letting your guard down and never die forgotten
    Forgive me my love
    I stand here all alone
    And I can see the bottom

    Promise me you'll try,
    to leave it all behind
    Cause I've elected hell,
    lying to myself
    Why have I gone blind?
    Live another lie

Jacob called.

He wouldn't talk to me, he asked me not to say anything, just to put the kids on one at a time. His voice was hoarse. His tone defeated and devoid of anything. When the kids were finished and Ruthie hung up despite my pleas for Jacob not to hang up as I grabbed for the phone they said only that he told them he loved them very very much and to look after mommy until he gets back. And that he loves mommy too and to tell her.

Until he gets back.

Until he gets back.

If he hadn't said that part I would have died. Solemn promises all around. He needs to look after mommy.

Live as though he is watching over you. A post-it on the side of the fridge. It's been there for three years.

Right. Who is he? I used to think that was God. Then I thought maybe it was Cole. Perhaps it's Jacob and he's maybe not far away. It would explain why I ate dinner last night with the kids even though I had no hunger, no taste and no drive to keep going except for hope that he might be proud that I haven't curled up into a ball and gone away somewhere dark inside.

He knows I can't, and this is my lesson. Keeping moving forward, that's the lesson, and waiting, that's the lesson too.