Together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time (all of the time)
I don't know what to do
I'm always in the dark
Living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Caleb is on the phone trying to decide whether he should take Ben to Turkey or Switzerland for a better rehab program than the Canadian one we have/had. Canadian health care is good but also famous for doing the minimum and you have to be really proactive or you can die.
That is not hyperbole. I wish it was and everyone has been great but it's not enough and so Caleb is spending cash like water to fix it.
He wants to help, bless him. Always trying to undo the permanent, life-changing shit he causes because he thinks money will fill in the gap or maybe if you make a mash with shredded bills and water, you can just paper over the cracks and no one will know we're all falling apart from the inside out and the outside in.
Ben asked me what I thought and I told him very honestly he should sue Caleb for loss of quality of life and future income and just about everything else, that he can stick it to him now if he wants and I'll back up the character requirements and maybe sue him myself and they'll probably reinstate the death penalty in this country because if anyone ever deserved less of a...what? tenth? chance here, it would be the Devil.
What will you get from that? He already gave you money.
Satisfaction. Penalty. Imagine spending your way out of your catastrophic mistakes that you made with intent. Besides, the money isn't enough to cover what he's done.
Ben laughed, inappropriately so, after a minute and asked if I thought Switzerland was a good idea. It's maybe only for a month or two and it's supposed to be good. They have therapies that retrain you from the ground up to move and think and do everything you could do before, and Ben would like that very much. Ben is shatteringly self-doubtful and this whole stupid mess a year ago today (hard to believe) just made everything worse.
He got really low and started talking about not being here anymore and that's when I lost my shit all over him. It's Thursday now and things are still raw and his skin and ears will never grow back because I ripped them off and ate them, swallowing them whole so he would see how stupid that sounds and that's when we realized the emotional part was so bad we need outside help, and that's saying a lot because some of that help lives here and it's not enough. For someone who was so angry at Jake for checking out it caused an incredible amount of fresh pain and I'm still terrified.
When do we leave? I smile at Ben. I'm going wherever he goes.
You're staying.
Hell I am.
His face breaks into a smile. My keeper Bee. Beeper. Key.
Ha. Nice. I have a huge skeleton key tattooed on one leg and a bee on the other side. He points to them as he says it. A gentle little portmanteau.
Caleb hangs up but we've already forgotten our monster is even in the room. Ben is smiling at me and I'm smiling back. Besides, he just showed me this morning how to get a super husky, whiskey-voice so I can sing Bonnie Tyler better than I do and we were having so much fun before he started sliding back off the edge of the precipice before I could grab him properly and now we're hanging by a thread and I'm screaming for help to save him and he's holding his fucking hand over my mouth again and it's not the right time for that.
Looks like Switzerland is a go. I've got tickets booked and we'll watch the state of things between now and then. Worst case is I bring them to you but hopefully we'll head there in early October. As soon as they have space for you.
I'm going- I pipe up.
No, you're not, Neamhchiontach-
Oh, yes I am. I'll look after Ben now. You're really done enough. Just get out of my way for once but leave your card so I can do whatever Ben needs.