It started with me chucking a heavy notebook at Lochlan, who wouldn't give up the mood and it takes a tidal wave for me to shift from despair and frustration to anger. A literal tidal wave. I never get angry. Ever. Until I do and then look out.
I threw it overhand.
I got him right in the face.
And cut his cheek.
And the book fell apart and all of my worksheets went everywhere.
And he didn't even mind. He felt bad. He sat down and started reading. All the scenarios. All the re-dos. All the times I've tried to write Jacob right out of existence. Every single fairy tale in which Lochlan is the prince and he shows up and I turn into a princess from a frog and we live happily ever after. I chose him every single time. And the one time I do what is asked instead of writing him into everything, no matter what, he reads it and decides I've written him off.
I go and fetch the butterfly bandages. Not like we don't go through boxes of these things every year every time he throws punches with someone over something so much less important.
I get him fixed up, standing in front of him as he sits surrounded by pages on the couch and he pulls me in, resting his head against my stomach, arms tight. I can't breathe from the sea-change, blink and it's there, defocus and you'll miss it all.
I'm sorry.
Sam pokes his head in and asks if everything's okay. PJ is glowering beside him. I put up an okay sign but say nothing. They leave, mercifully. Privacy to have our meltdowns as we try to navigate life with all of these suitcases full of baggage we never packed and never planned to bring. We're Bonny and Clyde. We travel light.We need to burn it all.
Maybe we should.
Burn what?
This.
I worked so hard.
Doesn't that mean since you did that, that you can move on now?
I suppose it does.
Because I think I've read enough and I wish I had seen this all ages ago.
It's not really a sharing sort of thing.
Maybe it should be.
Only if you do it too.
I'm game for that. Whatever makes us stronger together, Peanut.
Life does.
He nods. Yeah. It does.
Sorry I cut your cheek, Locket.
Sorry I broke your heart, Peanut.