Welcome to the throes of Vicodin hell. So glad I wrote this entry yesterday. I'm not writing much today, instead I'm enjoying the amazing works of Chris Never. Go and read. I'm also checking way too often to see if my hardworking friend Jen made director yet!
So..
Jacob's journal. Which he leaves on the table on purpose now because he said he felt so voyeuristic reading mine but mine is so very public and now completely the opposite of what I started out as (the anonymous crafty funky little light-hearted shallow pop-cultureish blog that it was).
His journal is jaw dropping. It's full of poetry and sketches and doodles and entries that build me up and then tear me down again. I would like to have it bronzed.
So when I first picked it up a week ago I flipped all the way back to the summer of 2000 and found the long weekend entry about the hayride, which was why I mentioned it yesterday. It marked a turning point in our lives.
I took Ruth, who was almost a year old, and went down the shore to hang out for the long weekend. While there a last minute hayride was organized. One of my cottage neighbors was happy to babysit for me so I could go, and besides, some of the guys were coming out for the ride. Cole wasn't coming, he was working right through the weekend.
We drove out to the barn and once everyone had hooked up it seemed that Jacob was to be my chaperone/partner because everyone else was a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. Which was fine, we were already best friends. Right? Best friends with no lust. Right.
So based on the quantity of people who showed up some people had to sit on laps.
Hey, no problem. I'm a grownup, I'm a MOM, and he's my friend. It's cool. I'll sit with Jake.
It was cold. He put his arms around me and looked at the stars with his chin on my shoulder.
Eventually his very warm hands made it inside my sweater and under my tshirt. Which was sort of still fine because they were around my waist.
Which wasn't really so fine but no one could see a thing. I wrestled with the feelings the entire time but I didn't say a word.
So his hands never moved, and the hayride ended. And everyone trudged back out to their cars in the moonlight, exhilarated from the fun. Jacob and I were walking together, behind everyone, still back beside the barn. He grabbed my hand and stopped walking and so I stopped and he stepped right in and kissed me. And then he pressed his whole body into me until I was up against the siding. Oh, hell with it.
And I kissed him back with everything I had. I put my arms around his neck and gave it all up right there. No one saw us. No one knew. They had all gone.
Only in the back of my head there was a little voice telling me this wasn't right. Finally we broke apart (no, very very reluctantly we broke apart). I started walking again. Really fast. He kept up and he was trying to talk to me. I wasn't listening. He finally grabbed my arms and stopped me and asked me what was wrong.
What's wrong, Jake? What do you think is wrong?
It's just a kiss, Bridge.
It's more than a kiss Jake. I'm fucking up my life. Your life. Everyone's life. That was a bad idea.
It was the best idea ever and we both know it. Leave him, Bridge. You don't love him the way you love me.
You don't DARE decide that for me.
It's true though, isn't it? Just admit it, Bridge, PLEASE!
What does saying it do for you Jake? Is it an ego boost? Are you trying to win the alpha male battle with Cole or what? What is your problem?
I love you. That's the problem.
This isn't fair.
You THINK?
Fuck off, Jake. We can't do this.
No, YOU FUCK OFF BRIDGE. We don't have to do this. Just say the word. Be with me.
I CAN'T!
You can but you're afraid. You've got nothing to lose.
Just stop, Jake, okay? Just stop. Keep your promise and don't be hard to be around. I can't keep doing this.
You're going to keep doing this because I KNOW YOU FEEL THE SAME WAY!
OH! JUST SHUT UP JACOB!
That was when he just stopped arguing and put his arms around me and held me so tight I didn't think I could get a whole breath. He whispered that he was sorry. But that he loved me and that was never going to change. I hugged him back and said I knew. And I loved him too but I also loved Cole and I couldn't leave him. I think we held each other for a half an hour. Then he walked me to my car, got in his truck and drove out. I sat in the car and cried for a very long time.
And I never told Cole what happened.
The entry for that night in Jake's journal is rather heartbreaking:
Tonight I dropped all pretense and kissed Bridget because I wanted to. I kissed her like she was mine and she didn't slap me like I expected. She yelled at me afterward because she refuses to admit to herself that her feelings for me are real. As real as that kiss and more. We're both deeply attracted to each other and yet she won't give in, she loves Cole. She's making a life with him-a life he never deserved with her but she gives him willingly. I cannot understand her motives. She is too fragile for his harshness and she should be with me. At the very least I can sleep tonight because she finally admitted that she loves me. Not only with her words but with her soul and a kiss. I can sleep because I can smell her still in my arms. Where she belongs. My beautiful girl.
Aw geez he's dreamy isn't he?
(I know, I know. ENOUGH already.)
