This post will humanize Jacob, for those of you riding on the high along with me. It's long, get coffee.
Ben was quietly and briefly banned from the house yesterday. Not verbally, and not absolutely because Jacob doesn't have final say, and neither do I but we're all taking some steps back and calling it a breather. Jacob had been looking for an excuse to give Ben his notice, but it really isn't fair because Ben has been here, he's been amazing and helpful and generous with most of his free time and Jacob forgot all that rather quickly in his attempt to quietly fight his demons on the inside. Because he does that.
Some of my own denial clarified for me last night. I was going through the stack of papers on top of the fridge because these are things that have been sitting up there for weeks. Several pamphlets on Battered Woman Syndrome were in the pile and I finally clued in. Oh my god I am. Unequivocally. I kept pushing it off, denying it, ignoring the talk because Cole didn't hit me during our marriage.
He didn't have to. He belittled me, picked on me. Told me things that you don't say to the one you love. He was so full of contempt for me. He conducted his own evil little brand of psychological abuse and I didn't even know it. I was sure he said mean things when he felt threatened. I'm sure he did feel threatened. And my excuses are one of the biggest indicators of that abuse now. Blaming myself. Though I will continue to do that because of my own actions, I can step outside of myself and see it for what it was.
A strange breakthrough to have in the middle of the kitchen at dinnertime when there's a bunch of friends standing around watching the cat try to catch a ladybug. A remarkably possessive group, seven big brothers who will happily kick each other's asses to kingdom come before they let anyone hurt me like Cole did ever again. God I love them all.
Ben nods and says something about control freaks coming in all shapes and sizes and Cole probably isn't the only one. He looked at Jake pointedly.
The other guys took this opportunity to make hasty exits because most of them refuse to argue with Jake. Once they were gone Jacob looked at Ben and spoke rather mildly,
Have something you need to say, Ben?
I think I said it.
Want to explain it?
I think it's self-explanatory, so nope.
Oh, for cryin' out loud. I had to step between them.
Ben, do you really think Jake is controlling?
Bridge, I don't think I want to say any more. I just want you to be happy and in control of your own life. At your own pace. Making your own decisions.
I am, Ben.
But are you? Because I haven't seen that yet.
He looks at Jake again.
Sorry you feel that way.
Jake, in all honesty you're just like Cole.
Ben, what are you talking about?
Well, he IS, Bridge! They fought over you like you and plotted shares as if you were a possession. Last time I looked you weren't a thing, you were a person and they both act like you're a goddamned trophy! It makes me SICK!
Time to go, Ben.
Yeah, I think I've seen enough. Bye princess.
With that he walked outside, and I followed.
Ben, talk to me.
No, Bridge, I think your owner, oh sorry, your BOYFRIEND wants to have dinner with his prize alone.
Ben, fuck off. This isn't like you.
Yeah, well maybe I should have said something a few years ago. Jake is just as controlling, Bridge, maybe he's just better at it. Be careful. The charismatic preacher boy has you wrapped.
You mean I have him wrapped.
Whatever gets you through the night, baby.
Ben, I'm in control of my life and I don't like you saying these things about him. Christ, he's your friend.
So is Cole, and I've told him much the same thing. You don't see it. You can't see it from where you are.
Where am I?
I don't know anymore.
Not fair, Ben. So not fair.
I'm gonna go.
Yeah, maybe you should.
Don't cry Bridge. I'm sorry. This wasn't a conversation you should been involved in.
Maybe it's better I was.
Just...just stand on your own two feet and don't let him rush you okay? He's on a slippery slope, Bridge. And you're so much stronger than you think you are.
Ben, just go, okay?
Okay. Sorry, Bridge.
I went back in and Jacob was sitting there looking at me. Of course he heard everything, there are two windows that look over the deck and both are open.
Bridget.
Yeah, Jake?
Do you think I'm trying to control you?
No.
But?
No, but am I the one who would know? How much of my feelings are accurate? I know what I feel and then everyone tells me it's due to this trauma or that event, abuse, whatever. I don't even know anymore. Maybe Ben can be more objective.
I would never ever try to control you. There's no slippery slope here.
You can't. Even if you tried.
Then what are you thinking? You can tell me anything.
Are you trying? Am I the prize?
Honestly, in a way, maybe you are. Your love is the ultimate reward. It's the only thing I have ever wanted with my entire soul. Does that make me evil?
Not to me.
I'm happy to hear that, but if it's still wrong to others then I'm not any better than Cole in the end.
You're not Cole. And maybe they don't see some things, and that's why they feel this way.
Or maybe you don't. I'm pissed at Ben for putting this into your head.
He's trying to make sure my eyes are open, Jake.
He's trying to cause more heartache Bridge. Maybe he wants you for himself.
Now that sounds like the words of a control freak.
He just stopped and stared at me, with that look.
Jake. Let's fix it now and deal with it.
No.
We have to.
We don't have to do anything. I'm going to go to the church for a bit.
To work? Now?
No, Bridge. To pray. Because I'm so fucked up right now I can't make any sense of myself and that isn't a place I want to be. I love you. I'll be back soon.
And he kissed me and left. He came back looking drained and pale and miserable. Angry in his quiet way. He took the phone into the bedroom and he called Ben and they talked for an hour. I could hear him yelling at Ben that just because he wanted to be with me so badly doesn't make me his. And that it isn't his place to put me in a cage but yet it's so hard not to want to tuck me away in some safe place where no one can ever hurt me again because it's instinctual and he fights with those feelings. And he said he didn't have the courage right now to let go even just a little bit because I might get hurt again. And doesn't Ben think that he knows that it isn't right?
I sat outside the door and cried because I knew he was crying, in that desperate, quiet way men do, when you're not really sure if they are, but they are. Something I've seen him do only 3 times in the entire time I have known him. He's a big strong man, he doesn't cry.
When he came out he said that Ben was going to back off for a bit, and that so was he. He said he was ready to talk now, if I would have him. Now look who is having trouble setting the one they love free to come back. Look at that.
I just don't want an undercurrent of negativity every time we have to make a decision from here on out, Jake. That's why I think we should deal with it.
Right so will you tell me when I'm doing it?
I will if you promise not to let me walk all over you because you're suddenly afraid to assert yourself because of what people might think.
I've never cared what anyone thinks, besides me and you, Bridge.
Then I'll tell you. And you keep being strong. And is Ben okay?
He's fine. We got it out. He's just giving us a little space. A day or two. Call him, okay?
Yeah, I will.
I didn't call Ben back last night, instead I left the space and I called him this morning. He was in a much better frame of mind. He said the only thing he knows for sure after knowing us all for so long is that he's not going to sit idly by ever again and not speak up. So he did it. He did it and he said he did it because he knew Jake was struggling with it and it got it out there in the open and now we can move forward, instead of getting bogged down with our long-ingrained methods of keeping things in, shoving bad thoughts or unreasonable feelings into dark corners where they linger, festering like wounds that never really heal. Those wounds will kill you in the end. Trust me. Because that was an issue. And we weren't dealing with it.
But dammit if I don't feel better now. And so does Jake.
Thanks Ben.
Can I break away
push me away, make me fall,
just to see another side of me,
push me away you can see,
what I see, the other side of me
