Because I wrote the off-switch entry yesterday and finished it this morning, here's the daily entry. Because I keep forgetting today is Tuesday.
One of the joys of new, every day life is the fact that Jake works from home at the beginning of each week. He's here. He's home! And he loves big lunches and he doesn't wait for me to make them, he just starts. (Cole worked all the time, and relied heavily on Jacob to keep us entertained, safe, and busy. Note to workaholics everywhere, not such a great plan)
Oh, yes. Here it comes. This week's edition of Solitary Culinary Karaoke. Previous entries are searchable.
Outstanding. I come inside and I hear...well, cool! He finally figured out iTunes and is playing, what the..he's playing the new Switchfoot single. Which is free, by the way.
I've seen the darkest things
crawling inside of me
I've seen the monsters come alive
I've seen the enemy
The nightmare follows me
Searching the darkness for a light
Waiting for daylight to break up this room
Waiting for daylight to break
I've been alone in the dark
I've been dreaming
and waking up without you
I've been waking up without you
for too long
Back in the tragedy
I've made a mess of me
My bitter means my bitter ends
I see the irony
it gets the best of me
dying to be made new again (again)
Waiting for daylight to break up this room
Waiting for daylight to break
I've been alone in the dark
I've been dreaming, the day, when dreamers are awake
The sun hits my eyes
and everything is right
I've been waking up without you
I've been waking up without you
I've been warring alarms til you were in my arms
I've been waking up without you
I've been waking up without you for too long
He hinted that it might become his new theme song. Which is so cool because he will pretty much listen to anything but he was holding out and hardly ever listen to Switchfoot, one of my all-time favorite bands.
Jacob, the gentle giant, has crumbled at last. (insert evil maniacal laughter here). I didn't record this one, I was too stunned by his song choice. Sorry Benjamin!
Tuesday 6 June 2006
Monday 5 June 2006
Wishing for an off switch.
Sometimes you know something in your head and it takes someone to say it out loud for it to hit home. I was startled by a conversation between the boys the other night. Oh no, no, not those boys. This was Jake and Ben and PJ and Robin (male) and Loch and Chris (passing through from back home on their way to BC) sitting out on the deck having a beer on the weekend. I was inside, upstairs in bed coming off the vicodin magic carpet ride and watching Only Angels Have Wings-a favorite movie with the best quote ever:
You'd better shut the door! Bonnie's equilibrium is on the loose!
Turner Movie Classics as a channel is like Christmas every day for me, you know.
I thought I heard my name outside. Since my bedroom window is directly over the patio. I muted the movie for a moment. 6 guys having guytalk? I should have tuned in sooner. It was a gift, had it been daytime I would never have been able to hear it with the kids and the birds and traffic.
Bridge has no idea.
The magical powers of the widget strikes again.
She's not responsible.
She wasn't responsible for you either. She doesn't know how to work it.
I don't think she can turn it off.
Yeah, but it's not effective on everyone. Some of us are immune.
Thank God for that. She'd have a harem in reverse.
Look around. She does.
(laughter)
Like an unescapable blend of fragility and determination. Like when you can't look away as you watch an old man in a wheelchair make his way uphill.
Or you look at it as a put-on and refuse to be captivated. Come on.
No, I've been on that side, remember? Harder than it looks.
Is that why you stuck it out so long?
I can't explain it. I love her. I always did. I would have been here 30 years from now.
What if she had never left him?
Then I'd be where he is now, I guess.
You wouldn't..
No not that. But I see it now for what it is. Don't you?
Yeah man.
Yeah.
which part?
Cole had her. He had everything. All of her and now it's gone. She's with Jake now. Cole can never have her again-now it's killing him because he knows she's giving herself to his best friend.
I'd kill myself too. Losing Bridge? Ouch. She's so cute, man.
It's the power of the widget, didn't I say it? Cole said she had it in high school and had no idea.
I would harness that power and use it only for evil.
Give it up man. (more laughter)
Watch your back Jake (loud laughter)
Naw going to have to change her nickname to the black widow at this rate.
Sorry man.
She can't help it.
That's the scary part dude. The scary spell she has. We're all under it you know.
I'm not. Heather won't allow it. She hates the widget powers. She said it's something to feel sorry for.
She says that out of jealousy.
Keira says that too.
No, think about it. You snap your fingers and 6 guys come pick up your car, like a mentos commercial. How many girls you know can do that in real life? Or drive two men to the brink of ruin almost simultaneously?
One.
She isn't responsible.
One.
One.
Bridge. But I'm not ruined. Thanks a lot.
One, yup.
That was all I could hear. The laughing made it hard. My head spinning didn't help.
Widget is a combination of witch and Bridget put together, a nickname very few people use to my face, it's more a verb to describe whatever I do to the men in my life. What an odd magical power to be gifted with. I'm not amused, I wanted mind-reading, remember?
They moved on, thankfully to talk about soccer and BBQ smokers and more guy stuff and the neighbors put their sprinkler on. I heard what I was meant to hear, I guess.
Later on, I asked Jake if he believed in the widget powers. I rolled my eyes when I asked.
He laughed, surprised that I overheard, but he didn't answer the question.
I reminded him of times when I didn't turn it on. I pointed out the drunken episode, and a few other times when I made no attempt to be anything more than a walking disaster.
That's why it's magic, Bridget-there is no off switch. And that's why none of this is your fault. Do you see now?
I almost think I do. And hey, it could have been worse, for the nickname that meshes Bridget with witch could have been rigid, or even bitch. That would have stung.
***
Better
It's Monday. I am happily detoxified. I have no more pills in my house because I took them back to the pharmacy for disposal. Jacob is home today writing and working. I am not writing because I'm tired. I'm so tired I can barely string two sentences together so I'm not. I did NOT fall asleep in church yesterday. Okay so I nodded once. I'm mortified.
So much to write.
Did you know that I have magical powers? I didn't either but I'll tell you about that later.
You'd better shut the door! Bonnie's equilibrium is on the loose!
Turner Movie Classics as a channel is like Christmas every day for me, you know.
I thought I heard my name outside. Since my bedroom window is directly over the patio. I muted the movie for a moment. 6 guys having guytalk? I should have tuned in sooner. It was a gift, had it been daytime I would never have been able to hear it with the kids and the birds and traffic.
Bridge has no idea.
The magical powers of the widget strikes again.
She's not responsible.
She wasn't responsible for you either. She doesn't know how to work it.
I don't think she can turn it off.
Yeah, but it's not effective on everyone. Some of us are immune.
Thank God for that. She'd have a harem in reverse.
Look around. She does.
(laughter)
Like an unescapable blend of fragility and determination. Like when you can't look away as you watch an old man in a wheelchair make his way uphill.
Or you look at it as a put-on and refuse to be captivated. Come on.
No, I've been on that side, remember? Harder than it looks.
Is that why you stuck it out so long?
I can't explain it. I love her. I always did. I would have been here 30 years from now.
What if she had never left him?
Then I'd be where he is now, I guess.
You wouldn't..
No not that. But I see it now for what it is. Don't you?
Yeah man.
Yeah.
which part?
Cole had her. He had everything. All of her and now it's gone. She's with Jake now. Cole can never have her again-now it's killing him because he knows she's giving herself to his best friend.
I'd kill myself too. Losing Bridge? Ouch. She's so cute, man.
It's the power of the widget, didn't I say it? Cole said she had it in high school and had no idea.
I would harness that power and use it only for evil.
Give it up man. (more laughter)
Watch your back Jake (loud laughter)
Naw going to have to change her nickname to the black widow at this rate.
Sorry man.
She can't help it.
That's the scary part dude. The scary spell she has. We're all under it you know.
I'm not. Heather won't allow it. She hates the widget powers. She said it's something to feel sorry for.
She says that out of jealousy.
Keira says that too.
No, think about it. You snap your fingers and 6 guys come pick up your car, like a mentos commercial. How many girls you know can do that in real life? Or drive two men to the brink of ruin almost simultaneously?
One.
She isn't responsible.
One.
One.
Bridge. But I'm not ruined. Thanks a lot.
One, yup.
That was all I could hear. The laughing made it hard. My head spinning didn't help.
Widget is a combination of witch and Bridget put together, a nickname very few people use to my face, it's more a verb to describe whatever I do to the men in my life. What an odd magical power to be gifted with. I'm not amused, I wanted mind-reading, remember?
They moved on, thankfully to talk about soccer and BBQ smokers and more guy stuff and the neighbors put their sprinkler on. I heard what I was meant to hear, I guess.
Later on, I asked Jake if he believed in the widget powers. I rolled my eyes when I asked.
He laughed, surprised that I overheard, but he didn't answer the question.
I reminded him of times when I didn't turn it on. I pointed out the drunken episode, and a few other times when I made no attempt to be anything more than a walking disaster.
That's why it's magic, Bridget-there is no off switch. And that's why none of this is your fault. Do you see now?
I almost think I do. And hey, it could have been worse, for the nickname that meshes Bridget with witch could have been rigid, or even bitch. That would have stung.
***
Better
It's Monday. I am happily detoxified. I have no more pills in my house because I took them back to the pharmacy for disposal. Jacob is home today writing and working. I am not writing because I'm tired. I'm so tired I can barely string two sentences together so I'm not. I did NOT fall asleep in church yesterday. Okay so I nodded once. I'm mortified.
So much to write.
Did you know that I have magical powers? I didn't either but I'll tell you about that later.
Friday 2 June 2006
Apathy.
Still in vicodin glory here. Love it. It keeps everything away.
Two things:
1) Cole is in the hospital on suicide watch. This is my fault.
2) I was the worst wife ever. EVER. This is my fault.
3) This is not Jacob's fault because he is spellbound, in love, blinded by his affections. I'm sorry. I can't turn it off with him. I never could, and ruining his reputation is yes, once again, my fault.
Reality settles in now and I try to stitch my world back together with an inch of thread and a broken needle. Life is ugly you know. Life can suck and suck hard. And yet these two stupid men just keep on loving me and I'm worth none of it. None.
I'm also never alone anymore and now I know why. But the drugs are good. I can't write worth shit but they're good.
A sober UPDATE:
Oh my god. Why they let me online in that condition makes me wonder about my friends. Here, Bridget, go take your heavily sedated self and write or surf or whatever and find your happy place and eventually time will sharpen your world into focus and you'll come back down to us.
Right. So I make my way back from space-cadet camp and I'm still not feeling a damned thing but at least I'm less half-baked. I am so lucky to have so much support around me. Everyone who was here and took the kids outside to play while they told me what Cole had done to himself. I hate his actions, I don't hate him and my kids don't deserve to lose him because I fucked up or he fucked up.
Cole wrote letters to us all and when Jake went to see him Cole told him where they were, and could he give them out so we would know he's not a monster? Geez, I know he's not a monster.
I am.
Two things:
1) Cole is in the hospital on suicide watch. This is my fault.
2) I was the worst wife ever. EVER. This is my fault.
3) This is not Jacob's fault because he is spellbound, in love, blinded by his affections. I'm sorry. I can't turn it off with him. I never could, and ruining his reputation is yes, once again, my fault.
Reality settles in now and I try to stitch my world back together with an inch of thread and a broken needle. Life is ugly you know. Life can suck and suck hard. And yet these two stupid men just keep on loving me and I'm worth none of it. None.
I'm also never alone anymore and now I know why. But the drugs are good. I can't write worth shit but they're good.
A sober UPDATE:
Oh my god. Why they let me online in that condition makes me wonder about my friends. Here, Bridget, go take your heavily sedated self and write or surf or whatever and find your happy place and eventually time will sharpen your world into focus and you'll come back down to us.
Right. So I make my way back from space-cadet camp and I'm still not feeling a damned thing but at least I'm less half-baked. I am so lucky to have so much support around me. Everyone who was here and took the kids outside to play while they told me what Cole had done to himself. I hate his actions, I don't hate him and my kids don't deserve to lose him because I fucked up or he fucked up.
Cole wrote letters to us all and when Jake went to see him Cole told him where they were, and could he give them out so we would know he's not a monster? Geez, I know he's not a monster.
I am.
Thursday 1 June 2006
Hayrides and fireworks and Vicodin, oh my!
Welcome to the throes of Vicodin hell. So glad I wrote this entry yesterday. I'm not writing much today, instead I'm enjoying the amazing works of Chris Never. Go and read. I'm also checking way too often to see if my hardworking friend Jen made director yet!
So..
Jacob's journal. Which he leaves on the table on purpose now because he said he felt so voyeuristic reading mine but mine is so very public and now completely the opposite of what I started out as (the anonymous crafty funky little light-hearted shallow pop-cultureish blog that it was).
His journal is jaw dropping. It's full of poetry and sketches and doodles and entries that build me up and then tear me down again. I would like to have it bronzed.
So when I first picked it up a week ago I flipped all the way back to the summer of 2000 and found the long weekend entry about the hayride, which was why I mentioned it yesterday. It marked a turning point in our lives.
I took Ruth, who was almost a year old, and went down the shore to hang out for the long weekend. While there a last minute hayride was organized. One of my cottage neighbors was happy to babysit for me so I could go, and besides, some of the guys were coming out for the ride. Cole wasn't coming, he was working right through the weekend.
We drove out to the barn and once everyone had hooked up it seemed that Jacob was to be my chaperone/partner because everyone else was a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. Which was fine, we were already best friends. Right? Best friends with no lust. Right.
So based on the quantity of people who showed up some people had to sit on laps.
Hey, no problem. I'm a grownup, I'm a MOM, and he's my friend. It's cool. I'll sit with Jake.
It was cold. He put his arms around me and looked at the stars with his chin on my shoulder.
Eventually his very warm hands made it inside my sweater and under my tshirt. Which was sort of still fine because they were around my waist.
Which wasn't really so fine but no one could see a thing. I wrestled with the feelings the entire time but I didn't say a word.
So his hands never moved, and the hayride ended. And everyone trudged back out to their cars in the moonlight, exhilarated from the fun. Jacob and I were walking together, behind everyone, still back beside the barn. He grabbed my hand and stopped walking and so I stopped and he stepped right in and kissed me. And then he pressed his whole body into me until I was up against the siding. Oh, hell with it.
And I kissed him back with everything I had. I put my arms around his neck and gave it all up right there. No one saw us. No one knew. They had all gone.
Only in the back of my head there was a little voice telling me this wasn't right. Finally we broke apart (no, very very reluctantly we broke apart). I started walking again. Really fast. He kept up and he was trying to talk to me. I wasn't listening. He finally grabbed my arms and stopped me and asked me what was wrong.
What's wrong, Jake? What do you think is wrong?
It's just a kiss, Bridge.
It's more than a kiss Jake. I'm fucking up my life. Your life. Everyone's life. That was a bad idea.
It was the best idea ever and we both know it. Leave him, Bridge. You don't love him the way you love me.
You don't DARE decide that for me.
It's true though, isn't it? Just admit it, Bridge, PLEASE!
What does saying it do for you Jake? Is it an ego boost? Are you trying to win the alpha male battle with Cole or what? What is your problem?
I love you. That's the problem.
This isn't fair.
You THINK?
Fuck off, Jake. We can't do this.
No, YOU FUCK OFF BRIDGE. We don't have to do this. Just say the word. Be with me.
I CAN'T!
You can but you're afraid. You've got nothing to lose.
Just stop, Jake, okay? Just stop. Keep your promise and don't be hard to be around. I can't keep doing this.
You're going to keep doing this because I KNOW YOU FEEL THE SAME WAY!
OH! JUST SHUT UP JACOB!
That was when he just stopped arguing and put his arms around me and held me so tight I didn't think I could get a whole breath. He whispered that he was sorry. But that he loved me and that was never going to change. I hugged him back and said I knew. And I loved him too but I also loved Cole and I couldn't leave him. I think we held each other for a half an hour. Then he walked me to my car, got in his truck and drove out. I sat in the car and cried for a very long time.
And I never told Cole what happened.
The entry for that night in Jake's journal is rather heartbreaking:
Tonight I dropped all pretense and kissed Bridget because I wanted to. I kissed her like she was mine and she didn't slap me like I expected. She yelled at me afterward because she refuses to admit to herself that her feelings for me are real. As real as that kiss and more. We're both deeply attracted to each other and yet she won't give in, she loves Cole. She's making a life with him-a life he never deserved with her but she gives him willingly. I cannot understand her motives. She is too fragile for his harshness and she should be with me. At the very least I can sleep tonight because she finally admitted that she loves me. Not only with her words but with her soul and a kiss. I can sleep because I can smell her still in my arms. Where she belongs. My beautiful girl.
Aw geez he's dreamy isn't he?
(I know, I know. ENOUGH already.)
So..
Jacob's journal. Which he leaves on the table on purpose now because he said he felt so voyeuristic reading mine but mine is so very public and now completely the opposite of what I started out as (the anonymous crafty funky little light-hearted shallow pop-cultureish blog that it was).
His journal is jaw dropping. It's full of poetry and sketches and doodles and entries that build me up and then tear me down again. I would like to have it bronzed.
So when I first picked it up a week ago I flipped all the way back to the summer of 2000 and found the long weekend entry about the hayride, which was why I mentioned it yesterday. It marked a turning point in our lives.
I took Ruth, who was almost a year old, and went down the shore to hang out for the long weekend. While there a last minute hayride was organized. One of my cottage neighbors was happy to babysit for me so I could go, and besides, some of the guys were coming out for the ride. Cole wasn't coming, he was working right through the weekend.
We drove out to the barn and once everyone had hooked up it seemed that Jacob was to be my chaperone/partner because everyone else was a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. Which was fine, we were already best friends. Right? Best friends with no lust. Right.
So based on the quantity of people who showed up some people had to sit on laps.
Hey, no problem. I'm a grownup, I'm a MOM, and he's my friend. It's cool. I'll sit with Jake.
It was cold. He put his arms around me and looked at the stars with his chin on my shoulder.
Eventually his very warm hands made it inside my sweater and under my tshirt. Which was sort of still fine because they were around my waist.
Which wasn't really so fine but no one could see a thing. I wrestled with the feelings the entire time but I didn't say a word.
So his hands never moved, and the hayride ended. And everyone trudged back out to their cars in the moonlight, exhilarated from the fun. Jacob and I were walking together, behind everyone, still back beside the barn. He grabbed my hand and stopped walking and so I stopped and he stepped right in and kissed me. And then he pressed his whole body into me until I was up against the siding. Oh, hell with it.
And I kissed him back with everything I had. I put my arms around his neck and gave it all up right there. No one saw us. No one knew. They had all gone.
Only in the back of my head there was a little voice telling me this wasn't right. Finally we broke apart (no, very very reluctantly we broke apart). I started walking again. Really fast. He kept up and he was trying to talk to me. I wasn't listening. He finally grabbed my arms and stopped me and asked me what was wrong.
What's wrong, Jake? What do you think is wrong?
It's just a kiss, Bridge.
It's more than a kiss Jake. I'm fucking up my life. Your life. Everyone's life. That was a bad idea.
It was the best idea ever and we both know it. Leave him, Bridge. You don't love him the way you love me.
You don't DARE decide that for me.
It's true though, isn't it? Just admit it, Bridge, PLEASE!
What does saying it do for you Jake? Is it an ego boost? Are you trying to win the alpha male battle with Cole or what? What is your problem?
I love you. That's the problem.
This isn't fair.
You THINK?
Fuck off, Jake. We can't do this.
No, YOU FUCK OFF BRIDGE. We don't have to do this. Just say the word. Be with me.
I CAN'T!
You can but you're afraid. You've got nothing to lose.
Just stop, Jake, okay? Just stop. Keep your promise and don't be hard to be around. I can't keep doing this.
You're going to keep doing this because I KNOW YOU FEEL THE SAME WAY!
OH! JUST SHUT UP JACOB!
That was when he just stopped arguing and put his arms around me and held me so tight I didn't think I could get a whole breath. He whispered that he was sorry. But that he loved me and that was never going to change. I hugged him back and said I knew. And I loved him too but I also loved Cole and I couldn't leave him. I think we held each other for a half an hour. Then he walked me to my car, got in his truck and drove out. I sat in the car and cried for a very long time.
And I never told Cole what happened.
The entry for that night in Jake's journal is rather heartbreaking:
Tonight I dropped all pretense and kissed Bridget because I wanted to. I kissed her like she was mine and she didn't slap me like I expected. She yelled at me afterward because she refuses to admit to herself that her feelings for me are real. As real as that kiss and more. We're both deeply attracted to each other and yet she won't give in, she loves Cole. She's making a life with him-a life he never deserved with her but she gives him willingly. I cannot understand her motives. She is too fragile for his harshness and she should be with me. At the very least I can sleep tonight because she finally admitted that she loves me. Not only with her words but with her soul and a kiss. I can sleep because I can smell her still in my arms. Where she belongs. My beautiful girl.
Aw geez he's dreamy isn't he?
(I know, I know. ENOUGH already.)
Wednesday 31 May 2006
Downhill is faster.
You know what? I'm pissed off now. I fired my counselor this afternoon as I was leaving her office right in the middle of my session. I don't care. I'll take Jake's omnipresent subjectiveness over her judgmental crap any day. I don't bust my ass getting across town to her ghetto carjackville office that many times a week so she can be disapproving and snarky. Like she's sorry she wastes her time on me because there is happiness here. Because that woman could not talk a kitten off a ledge and I actually feel a little fearful if she is considered to be a resource for women who've been beaten up and don't have someone like Jacob in their lives.
I was so angry when I came home I sent PJ home and then I called and cancelled everyone. I cancelled the physical therapist and my weekly checkup. I don't want anyone here. I can't take it anymore. Didn't I say last week that I felt self-destructive?
Maybe I'm nuts because now I'm alone in the house. Maybe I am nuts. Maybe Cole should have just snapped my neck because he could have and if he really wanted to kill me he simply would have. Maybe I don't deserve the brief moments of overwhelming joy with the angel Jacob who walks this earth to protect me and to love me. Maybe he is temporary. Nothing that wonderful ever keeps. Nothing is ever in my life for long if it's good. I don't have that kind of luck, folks.
Maybe I just need to sleep. Going to take some of those zombie drugs and lie down for a bit.
I was so angry when I came home I sent PJ home and then I called and cancelled everyone. I cancelled the physical therapist and my weekly checkup. I don't want anyone here. I can't take it anymore. Didn't I say last week that I felt self-destructive?
Maybe I'm nuts because now I'm alone in the house. Maybe I am nuts. Maybe Cole should have just snapped my neck because he could have and if he really wanted to kill me he simply would have. Maybe I don't deserve the brief moments of overwhelming joy with the angel Jacob who walks this earth to protect me and to love me. Maybe he is temporary. Nothing that wonderful ever keeps. Nothing is ever in my life for long if it's good. I don't have that kind of luck, folks.
Maybe I just need to sleep. Going to take some of those zombie drugs and lie down for a bit.
Tuesday 30 May 2006
Bullshit
Jake just sent me this quote from the guidelines of the ministry:
The social behavior of the minister ís spouse is naturally open to common scrutiny and judgment in the same fashion as the spouse of any other public figure. This person must therefore appraise his or her conduct within and without the congregation in this light.
Attached to it was a link to a local bar announcing their new mechanical bull has arrived and the contests begin this weekend.
He is SUCH a freak.
I called him and pointed out that while right now my injuries prevent me from appearing this weekend, hopefully by July I should be okay to go ride. Serves him right to have that mental image in his head for the rest of the afternoon.
(For the record, I don't nor have I ever felt the need to ride a bull and I haven't set foot in an actual bar since the mid to late 90s.)
The social behavior of the minister ís spouse is naturally open to common scrutiny and judgment in the same fashion as the spouse of any other public figure. This person must therefore appraise his or her conduct within and without the congregation in this light.
Attached to it was a link to a local bar announcing their new mechanical bull has arrived and the contests begin this weekend.
He is SUCH a freak.
I called him and pointed out that while right now my injuries prevent me from appearing this weekend, hopefully by July I should be okay to go ride. Serves him right to have that mental image in his head for the rest of the afternoon.
(For the record, I don't nor have I ever felt the need to ride a bull and I haven't set foot in an actual bar since the mid to late 90s.)
Of course we fight.
You people thrive on drama. That or you're all in a very bored post memorial day slump and you're reading blogs instead of doing work. Either way, keep it up because my American readership DOUBLED yesterday. I love it, maybe I'm a passive attention whore.
Or just a whore if you read my gmail. I'm sure it's all the girls who thought they'd capture Jacob over the years but he didn't see them because he was only looking at me have decided pestering me with nasty emails is the new gossip.
And no way am I posting the Mother's Day pictures online, much as I'd love to, my kids are in them and I won't be putting their pics on the interweb. If you feel like you're missing out, you are. They're amazing photos.
Someone on gmail told me to wait until reality set in, that pretty soon all the daily bullshit would crop up and life would no longer be sparkling and new. The post-honeymoon phase.
Right. Must be a new reader who wasn't paying attention. Jacob has been in my house 5 days a week for various reasons or a hot meal or a movie or whatever. He's been a permanent fixture since the winter of '98. That's a long honeymoon phase. The only difference is that now we can touch each other (all over!) without anyone feeling guilty. Like asking for a cookie and being given the entire Keebler Enterprise.
So in honor of the doubting thomases who read, here's a newsflash. Of course we argue. We started out arguing. We have argued through so much crap. Oh the stories I could tell. My all time favorite argument took place on a country dirt road in the moonlight after a hayride and we were screaming at each other and we never resolved it but I got and gave a damn big hug at the end because we love each other with no conditions attached. Always and forever.
And there's one revolving argument that never goes away, especially now. We have it 4 times a week every week and it will never be resolved. Because I am a stubborn girl.
The Great Hearing Aid Debate.
Because Jake loves to discuss my hearing disability. He loves to point it out. He likes to exploit it by saying he said something he didn't.
No, he doesn't exploit it like Cole exploited it the night he snuck up on me and plowed me into the wall. Not cool.
But of course now Jacob says hearing aids would be good for my safety.
Somehow I don't think it would have made a difference. If I had heard Cole I would have been thrown elsewhere. Possibly into traffic. Hearing him wouldn't have stopped him.
My issues are with background noise and certain low notes. I really have to concentrate. It's very tiring. Sometimes it's nice to be in my own world in that noise. I can't really explain why I won't wear hearing aids. He offered a cochlear implant. I don't want to go through surgery. I actually just like pretending my hearing issues don't exist and he's been the loudest dissenter about the subject since I have known him. My preference is to pretend that I am perfect (because DAMMIT I AM PERFECT.)
So I told him I would get the implant. The day after he gets life-sized angel wings tattooed on his back. Since I know he's got wings somewhere back there anyway. Larger than life.
Bless his heart. He shook his head and took a sip of his coffee, which means the argument will continue when he feels like it. I'll be here. I just won't hear him if the TV is on.
So yes, we fight. And I will write out some of those other stories another day.
Or just a whore if you read my gmail. I'm sure it's all the girls who thought they'd capture Jacob over the years but he didn't see them because he was only looking at me have decided pestering me with nasty emails is the new gossip.
And no way am I posting the Mother's Day pictures online, much as I'd love to, my kids are in them and I won't be putting their pics on the interweb. If you feel like you're missing out, you are. They're amazing photos.
Someone on gmail told me to wait until reality set in, that pretty soon all the daily bullshit would crop up and life would no longer be sparkling and new. The post-honeymoon phase.
Right. Must be a new reader who wasn't paying attention. Jacob has been in my house 5 days a week for various reasons or a hot meal or a movie or whatever. He's been a permanent fixture since the winter of '98. That's a long honeymoon phase. The only difference is that now we can touch each other (all over!) without anyone feeling guilty. Like asking for a cookie and being given the entire Keebler Enterprise.
So in honor of the doubting thomases who read, here's a newsflash. Of course we argue. We started out arguing. We have argued through so much crap. Oh the stories I could tell. My all time favorite argument took place on a country dirt road in the moonlight after a hayride and we were screaming at each other and we never resolved it but I got and gave a damn big hug at the end because we love each other with no conditions attached. Always and forever.
And there's one revolving argument that never goes away, especially now. We have it 4 times a week every week and it will never be resolved. Because I am a stubborn girl.
The Great Hearing Aid Debate.
Because Jake loves to discuss my hearing disability. He loves to point it out. He likes to exploit it by saying he said something he didn't.
No, he doesn't exploit it like Cole exploited it the night he snuck up on me and plowed me into the wall. Not cool.
But of course now Jacob says hearing aids would be good for my safety.
Somehow I don't think it would have made a difference. If I had heard Cole I would have been thrown elsewhere. Possibly into traffic. Hearing him wouldn't have stopped him.
My issues are with background noise and certain low notes. I really have to concentrate. It's very tiring. Sometimes it's nice to be in my own world in that noise. I can't really explain why I won't wear hearing aids. He offered a cochlear implant. I don't want to go through surgery. I actually just like pretending my hearing issues don't exist and he's been the loudest dissenter about the subject since I have known him. My preference is to pretend that I am perfect (because DAMMIT I AM PERFECT.)
So I told him I would get the implant. The day after he gets life-sized angel wings tattooed on his back. Since I know he's got wings somewhere back there anyway. Larger than life.
Bless his heart. He shook his head and took a sip of his coffee, which means the argument will continue when he feels like it. I'll be here. I just won't hear him if the TV is on.
So yes, we fight. And I will write out some of those other stories another day.
Resolutions.
Yesterday we were gifted with a great set of pictures from the Mother's Day brunch. Jake was collecting pictures from the day for the June newsletter and there are 3-4 really good photographers who lent their talents and gear to the event. One of them wound up taking a lot of pictures of the four of us and he gave us all the prints.
They're candid shots in black and white, I didn't expect them to turn out well and I'm about as photogenic as a brick but wow. There's one where Jake was kissing the top of my head, just as I smelled the flowers that Henry had passed to me. I keep looking at it. And there's another one with the four of us that is so cute-we're all smiling, and Ruth and Henry are each holding Jake's pant legs and leaning out like he's a jungle gym. His arm was around my waist and I was back to the camera, looking up at him. He took that one to his office. The rest were all funny facial expressions and Jacob speaking and giving toasts and then group shots of all the moms. I love pictures.
I also got back my necklace yesterday and I don't know what I'm going to do with it. It's my diamond heart that Cole gave me that I wore every day right up until 2 weeks ago. It got ripped off in the fight and PJ took it to be fixed since he works at the mall. I went to pick it up and while I was paying for the repairs I realized I wasn't going to put it back on. I think I'll just save it for Ruth for when she's older.
My wedding ring still sits on the kitchen windowsill where I put it the day I left for good at the beginning of May. I don't want to touch it but I have to put it away now.
And it looks like we'll both be officially divorced before August-Jacob sooner than I. That's the silver lining from Cole's attack because I don't have to wait a year to file. Jacob had already filed in April after a long separation-he did it before he asked me to be with him. Mentally we were both calculating the days after that that we can legally get married and then we let that go, because it fell to labour day weekend and that was my old wedding anniversary. Maybe some random day in November. Not like it will be a big wedding, probably more like an absolutely private simple 10 minute ceremony in Jacob's church officiated by Reverend Carolyn, who fills in a lot when Jake is off.
Dare I dream of actually being his wife? For real?
I have been everything but that to him. That would be the icing on a cake that took so long to bake we practically chewed through our arms with hunger waiting for it. Now there is the scariest analogy ever. I need more coffee. Jake's. Wife. Oh. wow.
I would love that. I will love it. We've talked about nothing but our future together.
I'm not even going to get into the house stuff. We can't live here. Jacob's house is back up for sale because it's too small anyway. I think we'll stay here for a few months and try to look for a new house in this area. One with just good memories for us. Which is something new to look forward to.
They're candid shots in black and white, I didn't expect them to turn out well and I'm about as photogenic as a brick but wow. There's one where Jake was kissing the top of my head, just as I smelled the flowers that Henry had passed to me. I keep looking at it. And there's another one with the four of us that is so cute-we're all smiling, and Ruth and Henry are each holding Jake's pant legs and leaning out like he's a jungle gym. His arm was around my waist and I was back to the camera, looking up at him. He took that one to his office. The rest were all funny facial expressions and Jacob speaking and giving toasts and then group shots of all the moms. I love pictures.
I also got back my necklace yesterday and I don't know what I'm going to do with it. It's my diamond heart that Cole gave me that I wore every day right up until 2 weeks ago. It got ripped off in the fight and PJ took it to be fixed since he works at the mall. I went to pick it up and while I was paying for the repairs I realized I wasn't going to put it back on. I think I'll just save it for Ruth for when she's older.
My wedding ring still sits on the kitchen windowsill where I put it the day I left for good at the beginning of May. I don't want to touch it but I have to put it away now.
And it looks like we'll both be officially divorced before August-Jacob sooner than I. That's the silver lining from Cole's attack because I don't have to wait a year to file. Jacob had already filed in April after a long separation-he did it before he asked me to be with him. Mentally we were both calculating the days after that that we can legally get married and then we let that go, because it fell to labour day weekend and that was my old wedding anniversary. Maybe some random day in November. Not like it will be a big wedding, probably more like an absolutely private simple 10 minute ceremony in Jacob's church officiated by Reverend Carolyn, who fills in a lot when Jake is off.
Dare I dream of actually being his wife? For real?
I have been everything but that to him. That would be the icing on a cake that took so long to bake we practically chewed through our arms with hunger waiting for it. Now there is the scariest analogy ever. I need more coffee. Jake's. Wife. Oh. wow.
I would love that. I will love it. We've talked about nothing but our future together.
I'm not even going to get into the house stuff. We can't live here. Jacob's house is back up for sale because it's too small anyway. I think we'll stay here for a few months and try to look for a new house in this area. One with just good memories for us. Which is something new to look forward to.
Monday 29 May 2006
The ugliness of city life.
I grew up a beach-town girl. Up and down the east coast I think I ate more sand than food growing up as a little girl. I have freckles and squint lines. I breathe salt air and fell asleep to the sounds of fog horns and clinking bouys.
That's why I think city life sucks.
And frankly, Jacob is a blooming idiot for giving up the beach to follow me out here but he contends that the beach without the girl is just...dull.
Last night on the way home from dinner we drove through downtown and there was a woman beating another woman up on the sidewalk. I pulled out my phone to call 911 and Jake actually pulls over and GETS OUT OF THE CAR. I'm telling him to please stay in the car, he just says lock the doors. Granted I don't worry about him, he's big, he's strong, and he can talk people out of anything. He got the women both calmed down and within minutes the police were there. So he stands around shooting the breeze with the police for 10 more minutes and I was just muttering under my breath about how much I hate this city.
We went on our merry way but not before being treated to a new round of street-person depravity on the edge of the legislature park further down. I won't even say what I saw. Gross.
Argh.
I was on a roll with a full judgemental, spoiled rotten verbal rumination of how much I hate city life and Jacob looked at me and asked me where else I could get 11 different kinds of take-out or all the Hello Kitty gear a girl could ever want anywhere else?
He's got a point. Though had I never sampled the amazing Vietnamese restaurant 12 blocks from my house I would have been good with the hotdogs and french fries at the canteen on the beach for the rest of my natural life.
And at least on the beach I don't have to watch people kick the shit out of each other.
That's why I think city life sucks.
And frankly, Jacob is a blooming idiot for giving up the beach to follow me out here but he contends that the beach without the girl is just...dull.
Last night on the way home from dinner we drove through downtown and there was a woman beating another woman up on the sidewalk. I pulled out my phone to call 911 and Jake actually pulls over and GETS OUT OF THE CAR. I'm telling him to please stay in the car, he just says lock the doors. Granted I don't worry about him, he's big, he's strong, and he can talk people out of anything. He got the women both calmed down and within minutes the police were there. So he stands around shooting the breeze with the police for 10 more minutes and I was just muttering under my breath about how much I hate this city.
We went on our merry way but not before being treated to a new round of street-person depravity on the edge of the legislature park further down. I won't even say what I saw. Gross.
Argh.
I was on a roll with a full judgemental, spoiled rotten verbal rumination of how much I hate city life and Jacob looked at me and asked me where else I could get 11 different kinds of take-out or all the Hello Kitty gear a girl could ever want anywhere else?
He's got a point. Though had I never sampled the amazing Vietnamese restaurant 12 blocks from my house I would have been good with the hotdogs and french fries at the canteen on the beach for the rest of my natural life.
And at least on the beach I don't have to watch people kick the shit out of each other.
Sunday 28 May 2006
The chorus of sighs.
This morning was the first time I braved Jacob's Sunday early service since 'the incident' and I knew it would be a long morning but I wanted to thank people in person for the food and the prayers and the babysitting too. I can't gloss over it yet, I have to keep wearing the sling and thanks to my pale complexion the bruises have turned a fabulously icky shade of brown. I've been wearing scarves to hide the ones on my neck. It's absolutely unsettling to see Cole's complete handprint burned into my throat like this and yet scarves are so warm in the muggy weather. In my haste to get inside away from the wind and the approaching storm I left my sweater in the car, I was hot anyway.
Jacob was halfway through his sermon and he had walked back up near the choir benches and he turned and paused a beat and then he continued and started to remove his jacket (I'll digress here, he's got this worn-out moss green pinwhale cord suit jacket, he practically lives in it when he's working) and while he was talking about the sadness and ecstasy of moments in our past giving us a fresh spiritual outlook (! chills) he walked down to me and put the jacket around my shoulders. Then he smiled and ran his hand down my hair and then turned and walked down toward the back of the church, still talking while the collective sigh rose up from almost every woman in the sanctuary.
When he was finished he mentioned that he just couldn't have anyone in his congregation sitting and listening to him with blue lips. He then called for people to offer a half dozen sweaters or jackets that would be kept in the coat closets in case anyone needed them for the heat is now off for the summer but the weather is not cooperating. And because he only has one of those jackets. Cue the grin and a sprinkling of laughter.
He's so smooth.
I didn't give him his coat back when we left because I have a thing about his coats. They smell like him, like sandalwood and patchouli. Intoxicating. Like him.
Sigh.
Jacob was halfway through his sermon and he had walked back up near the choir benches and he turned and paused a beat and then he continued and started to remove his jacket (I'll digress here, he's got this worn-out moss green pinwhale cord suit jacket, he practically lives in it when he's working) and while he was talking about the sadness and ecstasy of moments in our past giving us a fresh spiritual outlook (! chills) he walked down to me and put the jacket around my shoulders. Then he smiled and ran his hand down my hair and then turned and walked down toward the back of the church, still talking while the collective sigh rose up from almost every woman in the sanctuary.
When he was finished he mentioned that he just couldn't have anyone in his congregation sitting and listening to him with blue lips. He then called for people to offer a half dozen sweaters or jackets that would be kept in the coat closets in case anyone needed them for the heat is now off for the summer but the weather is not cooperating. And because he only has one of those jackets. Cue the grin and a sprinkling of laughter.
He's so smooth.
I didn't give him his coat back when we left because I have a thing about his coats. They smell like him, like sandalwood and patchouli. Intoxicating. Like him.
Sigh.
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