Who am I kidding? I tell the girl who lives in the sea.I'm not fierce. I'm not wild. I'm not capable or independent or ready for this year. I keep telling myself I'm going to bite 2020 off in chunks, swallowing them whole instead of vice-versa, but the girl in the sea just mouths my own words back to me silently. She's like a frothy, choppy little mirror, and I don't like the fact that she looks so much like me anyway.
Maybe she has her shit together and can stand in (or stand up) for me. Maybe she can haul herself up on the rocks and up the stairs and drip in through the patio doors, seaweed in her hair, barnacles fixed to her flesh, green eyes diluted a dark teal and they'll never know the difference. Maybe she can fool them all.
But if she's fierce, if she's capable, using the moon to pull her sea in and out at will, they'll know. They'll know it isn't truly me, they'll know she's an imposter, they'll be disappointed, first in me, and then in themselves as they wonder where they went wrong.
This is what happens when you protect your young instead of teaching them how to fight. It's a mistake I won't be making with my own.
***
I need a list because Sam asked for a barometer and then promptly stole the parmesan cheese from my fridge, taking it back across the driveway, promising to replace it the whole way out the side door even as I told him not to worry, I have a new one in there somewhere.
I figured a list of good things was a good plan.
This week the weather has been awful enough to slow things down a little, or maybe a lot though it's been stressful getting around the highways, which are always closed because people think they can defy physics or something. So I learned to casually use my 4WD on the fly, alone or with others and I feel so proud. It's always been one of those mysteries (like why we can no longer buy the squeeze cheese with the disc cap, the Kraft Squeeze-A-Snak stuff, WHERE DID IT GO?) that I wanted to conquer.
Nothing can't wait, as PJ says. Ah. A double negative. I love it. He is right.
We have cake. And new tattoos. And peaty-delicious-smokey whiskey. Tons of groceries, lots of wood, all the chargers are charged, vehicles are gassed up. We are warm. We are loved. We are together.
We have Sam for a little God, Ben for a little rock and roll, Duncan for his coolier than thou attitude, and Lochlan for his all-round entertainer status and his internal, eternal fire. Caleb for his ice, for his vast knowledge of everything and his unwavering capability in any situation.
We have slept. We have laughed and we hold each other damn-near constantly. We are exactly two weeks into this new year and we haven't kept a whole lot of this viking/wolf energy we said we would bring to it but we have a lot of time left, too.
I point that out, tilted forward, hands on my knees, talking to the girl in the sea but I don't even think she hears me, she's too busy talking right back.
Maybe she has her shit together and can stand in (or stand up) for me. Maybe she can haul herself up on the rocks and up the stairs and drip in through the patio doors, seaweed in her hair, barnacles fixed to her flesh, green eyes diluted a dark teal and they'll never know the difference. Maybe she can fool them all.
But if she's fierce, if she's capable, using the moon to pull her sea in and out at will, they'll know. They'll know it isn't truly me, they'll know she's an imposter, they'll be disappointed, first in me, and then in themselves as they wonder where they went wrong.
This is what happens when you protect your young instead of teaching them how to fight. It's a mistake I won't be making with my own.
***
I need a list because Sam asked for a barometer and then promptly stole the parmesan cheese from my fridge, taking it back across the driveway, promising to replace it the whole way out the side door even as I told him not to worry, I have a new one in there somewhere.
I figured a list of good things was a good plan.
This week the weather has been awful enough to slow things down a little, or maybe a lot though it's been stressful getting around the highways, which are always closed because people think they can defy physics or something. So I learned to casually use my 4WD on the fly, alone or with others and I feel so proud. It's always been one of those mysteries (like why we can no longer buy the squeeze cheese with the disc cap, the Kraft Squeeze-A-Snak stuff, WHERE DID IT GO?) that I wanted to conquer.
Nothing can't wait, as PJ says. Ah. A double negative. I love it. He is right.
We have cake. And new tattoos. And peaty-delicious-smokey whiskey. Tons of groceries, lots of wood, all the chargers are charged, vehicles are gassed up. We are warm. We are loved. We are together.
We have Sam for a little God, Ben for a little rock and roll, Duncan for his coolier than thou attitude, and Lochlan for his all-round entertainer status and his internal, eternal fire. Caleb for his ice, for his vast knowledge of everything and his unwavering capability in any situation.
We have slept. We have laughed and we hold each other damn-near constantly. We are exactly two weeks into this new year and we haven't kept a whole lot of this viking/wolf energy we said we would bring to it but we have a lot of time left, too.
I point that out, tilted forward, hands on my knees, talking to the girl in the sea but I don't even think she hears me, she's too busy talking right back.