I didn't sleep last night, waking up constantly, Lochlan's elbow in my face, Ben's cold hands around my shoulder, the blankets ripped down to the floor, mostly. So cold. So uncomfortable. They sleep so easily. I'm sick with envy. My mind races ahead from one sunset to the next sunrise, afraid of the dark, afraid of everything.
Everyone is up and off early. Lochlan and Schuyler have meetings. Duncan has a meeting (still sober!) Sam has work to do. Dalton is still asleep. PJ is up and ready to get the day underway. We ran out of milk and cookies yesterday so there's a push to grocery shop and yet I am quicksand. I can't seem to get going. I feel like the world is caving in but everything is bright and fine. I wonder if it's a sign. I wonder if it's just me. I can't picture doing anything save for running back to bed, jumping in and yanking the covers up over my head, letting them find me later.
But I don't. I send Christian a text instead.
Why are mornings hard?
Just because it's dark. Get ready, get moving and you'll be OK.
He's right. I know he's right. I leave my phone on the dresser and go have a shower, taking extra time to shave my legs (I never do this), underarms (okay, a little more often but not enough), stand underneath the hot spray for a few moments and gather my thoughts toward a different direction. I dry my hair out straight and choose a perfume. I spray my tongue with Rescue Remedy. I brush my teeth and leave the bathroom, getting dressed. All my jewelry hurts today. I don't like any of my clothes. I find something black, leggings and a long shirt. Passable. Add an enamel ring and my favorite bracelet. Lipstick. Okay. So far so good. I can turn my brain down just a little.
I can do this.
I manage to get outside and get all of my errands run even though my mind seems to scream the entire time. Distracting. Too many people. The lights are too bright. The traffic is too heavy. People are in my way. Lochlan isn't here. He makes things so easy.
And then I'm home again. It's okay. Everything's ok. I put away my purchases and finish up some chores. I find Henry and see what he has planned. I talk to Ruth who is already at school and I get a message from Sam asking if I can help plan a little Christmas dinner for the church staff. I take a deep breath, make a coffee and get busy.
A kiss lands on my shoulder as I make notes after hanging up my phone.
You okay, Bridget? I turn my head, looking up into Caleb's blue eyes. My safe space became a dangerous one years ago but I still even out my heartbeats without thinking when he's around.
I lose my thread of composure completely. No, not really.
He sits down on the floor beside my chair, pulling me into his arms. It would be comical if it wasn't so kind. Tell me what's wrong and I'll fix it.
I just feel awful.
Last week was a tough one and you worked hard. You're probably exhausted.
I nod and the tears just start to roll. Soon we're up to our necks and he finally stands up, bringing me with him. I'll take something tonight so I can sleep, I promise but I don't know if I'm making it to him or myself.
Come and stay with me for a night, I'll fight off your demons so you can sleep for a while. Before he's finished talking I'm nodding eagerly. He smiles. I'll let Lochlan know so there are no surprises.
Okay.
It'll be okay, Bridget.
Hope you're right because this is almost worse.
Everyone is up and off early. Lochlan and Schuyler have meetings. Duncan has a meeting (still sober!) Sam has work to do. Dalton is still asleep. PJ is up and ready to get the day underway. We ran out of milk and cookies yesterday so there's a push to grocery shop and yet I am quicksand. I can't seem to get going. I feel like the world is caving in but everything is bright and fine. I wonder if it's a sign. I wonder if it's just me. I can't picture doing anything save for running back to bed, jumping in and yanking the covers up over my head, letting them find me later.
But I don't. I send Christian a text instead.
Why are mornings hard?
Just because it's dark. Get ready, get moving and you'll be OK.
He's right. I know he's right. I leave my phone on the dresser and go have a shower, taking extra time to shave my legs (I never do this), underarms (okay, a little more often but not enough), stand underneath the hot spray for a few moments and gather my thoughts toward a different direction. I dry my hair out straight and choose a perfume. I spray my tongue with Rescue Remedy. I brush my teeth and leave the bathroom, getting dressed. All my jewelry hurts today. I don't like any of my clothes. I find something black, leggings and a long shirt. Passable. Add an enamel ring and my favorite bracelet. Lipstick. Okay. So far so good. I can turn my brain down just a little.
I can do this.
I manage to get outside and get all of my errands run even though my mind seems to scream the entire time. Distracting. Too many people. The lights are too bright. The traffic is too heavy. People are in my way. Lochlan isn't here. He makes things so easy.
And then I'm home again. It's okay. Everything's ok. I put away my purchases and finish up some chores. I find Henry and see what he has planned. I talk to Ruth who is already at school and I get a message from Sam asking if I can help plan a little Christmas dinner for the church staff. I take a deep breath, make a coffee and get busy.
A kiss lands on my shoulder as I make notes after hanging up my phone.
You okay, Bridget? I turn my head, looking up into Caleb's blue eyes. My safe space became a dangerous one years ago but I still even out my heartbeats without thinking when he's around.
I lose my thread of composure completely. No, not really.
He sits down on the floor beside my chair, pulling me into his arms. It would be comical if it wasn't so kind. Tell me what's wrong and I'll fix it.
I just feel awful.
Last week was a tough one and you worked hard. You're probably exhausted.
I nod and the tears just start to roll. Soon we're up to our necks and he finally stands up, bringing me with him. I'll take something tonight so I can sleep, I promise but I don't know if I'm making it to him or myself.
Come and stay with me for a night, I'll fight off your demons so you can sleep for a while. Before he's finished talking I'm nodding eagerly. He smiles. I'll let Lochlan know so there are no surprises.
Okay.
It'll be okay, Bridget.
Hope you're right because this is almost worse.