And I swam in the wakes of imposters
Just to feel what it's like to pretend
There's no dreams in the lakes only monsters
And the monsters are my only friends
This morning a thorough fucking followed by a hot shower that almost doubled down on need followed by chins held up, late coffee (yup, best thing ever) and avocado-slathered bagels on the patio, where it's colder than it should be, but nicer than it is.
The song is wrong but I wear the words anyway, shoved underneath my skin, visible only when you pull my bones out one by one, tangled and dented.
Ben has a satisfied smile, Lochlan a contented grin. My arms hurt as do my ears. Things grabbed in the throes. I pulled Lochlan's hair way too hard but all he did was laugh. He is bulletproof. And I couldn't hurt Ben if I tried, though I wouldn't try, and he is exceedingly careful with me, save for bumping my ear a little more brutally than usual, as I caught his elbow on the way up and it knocked into the newish conch ring in my ear (acquired in May, as I always wanted one). He whispered a sorry but my ear rang with pain into the early hours nonetheless. I didn't mind. I was busy trying to find creative ways to breathe, unique ways to hold on, and simple ways to keep my head and heart from exploding, as for all of Lochlan's silent attacks of jealousy, he gives Ben the most generous share and Ben returns the favor by caring for both of us in a way that brings me to my knees.
It's a love like no other and something I never expected in a million years or a thousand lifetimes even.
For all of our bickering I just want this to be it, Bridget. Lochlan says it, maybe hoping I didn't hear him, as I was looking the other way. I just want it to be this. To be last night. To be forever.
It is, I tell him and he is surprised. I look at Ben. So does Lochlan and Ben nods. The gazes form an infinity loop and I let out a long breath. You could hold a gun to my head right now and make me choose and it would be so fucking easy I'd be done before you could finish your threat.
Easy.
Caleb walks out onto the patio to greet the now-stale sunrise, stretching his shoulders, cracking his neck. Morning. He cocks the gun and waits for me to confirm my choice.
Morning. Did you sleep? I don't actually want to know. I'm going through the motions. I usually freeze when faced with a weapon but I'm unpacking niceties instead. I don't even care. Kill me right now, it's been great. Thank you.
He knows. God, how his hand shakes with the gun. One good squeeze and I'll be blown off the earth. One good thought weighted with anger and I'm gone. Vaporized in a spray of crimson on the wind. A memory. One that hurts as it approaches. One that will hit him like a fucking freight train, I hope. For that's how it works with him.
He puts the gun on the table. It vanishes before our eyes.
I did. You?
Not really, it's okay though. I will tonight.
The song is wrong but I wear the words anyway, shoved underneath my skin, visible only when you pull my bones out one by one, tangled and dented.
Ben has a satisfied smile, Lochlan a contented grin. My arms hurt as do my ears. Things grabbed in the throes. I pulled Lochlan's hair way too hard but all he did was laugh. He is bulletproof. And I couldn't hurt Ben if I tried, though I wouldn't try, and he is exceedingly careful with me, save for bumping my ear a little more brutally than usual, as I caught his elbow on the way up and it knocked into the newish conch ring in my ear (acquired in May, as I always wanted one). He whispered a sorry but my ear rang with pain into the early hours nonetheless. I didn't mind. I was busy trying to find creative ways to breathe, unique ways to hold on, and simple ways to keep my head and heart from exploding, as for all of Lochlan's silent attacks of jealousy, he gives Ben the most generous share and Ben returns the favor by caring for both of us in a way that brings me to my knees.
It's a love like no other and something I never expected in a million years or a thousand lifetimes even.
For all of our bickering I just want this to be it, Bridget. Lochlan says it, maybe hoping I didn't hear him, as I was looking the other way. I just want it to be this. To be last night. To be forever.
It is, I tell him and he is surprised. I look at Ben. So does Lochlan and Ben nods. The gazes form an infinity loop and I let out a long breath. You could hold a gun to my head right now and make me choose and it would be so fucking easy I'd be done before you could finish your threat.
Easy.
Caleb walks out onto the patio to greet the now-stale sunrise, stretching his shoulders, cracking his neck. Morning. He cocks the gun and waits for me to confirm my choice.
Morning. Did you sleep? I don't actually want to know. I'm going through the motions. I usually freeze when faced with a weapon but I'm unpacking niceties instead. I don't even care. Kill me right now, it's been great. Thank you.
He knows. God, how his hand shakes with the gun. One good squeeze and I'll be blown off the earth. One good thought weighted with anger and I'm gone. Vaporized in a spray of crimson on the wind. A memory. One that hurts as it approaches. One that will hit him like a fucking freight train, I hope. For that's how it works with him.
He puts the gun on the table. It vanishes before our eyes.
I did. You?
Not really, it's okay though. I will tonight.