I fell asleep with the Devil and woke up needing angels this morning, but instead I put on my thick dress and sturdy shoes and went and made time-and-a-half for seven hours at work, where it was raining steadily and everyone was in a mood, including me.
I came home this afternoon, parked the car and went straight up the steps at the side of the garage and knocked on the door. An old familiar voice said to come in and so I did, and yet only part way, hanging back by the second french door that separates the hall from the kitchen. I press the side of my face against the cool door and wait for him to say something nice. Or anything, frankly. I haven't seen him in days.
Still in your work clothes? What's up?
I just want to say...hi.
Hi.
Hi.
He stares at me for a while.
We talked about this. I let out a breath in a huge rush and he laughs again. You're terrible.
I'm not the only one.
I'm attempting to salvage a good friendship instead of taking advantage.
That isn't what you're doing here.
Oh? What am I doing, then?
Trying to not feel used.
Who's using me?
Me, probably. But I love you.
Come here. I throw myself into his lap, shoes and all. I smell like coffee and strawberries. This is horrible. I love you too. And I don't feel used. I just want us to be healthy and we aren't.
Who cares?
Lochlan, for one. Any sane person, for two. Jake, for three.
He doesn't get a vote.
By proxy, he does. That's why you're here.
Is it?
He tucks my head down against his chest, stroking my hair, humming softly. I fall asleep and when I wake up it's dark out and he isn't there but I'm still in the chair, a blanket wrapped around me. I slide off the chair and crash in the bed and cry myself to sleep because I hate myself and then I wake up because who can sleep through that bullshit. I leave the blanket and walk home. I don't know where he went but then I see his hair through the half-cracked door of the library and I don't even check and see who he's talking to since I know it's Lochlan and I walk upstairs and crash into my own bed. Someone changed the sheets. It feels like bliss.