You will have to forgive me if I'm having a hard time keeping track of what I'm comfortable sharing and what I'm not, and if I seem remiss in being able to keep up with my usual entries instead of this journal becoming a mixing-bowl full of odds and ends. Not every week is smooth. Not every breath comes without a catch and I've really been having a hell of a time with my loyalties lately.
There, I said it.
The urge to throw myself in front of the speeding runaway train that is Caleb in order to protect Lochlan is huge. We've reached the usual impasse. A million lifetimes ago, had we had these resources at our disposal, everything would have probably turned out okay. But now there is Henry and there is no Cole and that really makes a mess of things. Throw in Ben, who doesn't want to be patient and generous all the time anymore (though he tries) and everything is heartrendingly awful.
The only thing that would move Caleb at this point would be a sudden shift in his own attitude and a newfound generosity of his own right, neither of which I see approaching any time soon. He has no reason to back down, this is better than nothing at all. Clearly there are no standards among us whatsoever. They keep saying that, as if turning around and walking away from me would be some sort of bad idea. Better than nothing? Bullshit.
And so in this house if you are afraid you get a good stiff drink and an ear to bend and then at least you aren't alone, and you have some bottled courage which at least will keep you warm for a time. That was how I knew that Lochlan had crossed the line from his weirdly uptight, logical gypsy carny mentalities to grown man afraid that everything he loves about life would disappear in short order. And while I'm at least 90% sure that wouldn't happen, I have been caught off guard by life before and barely survived. I found Lochlan sometime on Thursday afternoon with a bottle of brandy between his feet on the floor in the hallway between his bedroom and his office and now the brandy is gone but the courage stayed behind. For now.
Caleb has the nerve to stand there with his head held high. He may have become the devil but he was never the bad guy. Do you know that? Of course you don't. Lochlan has sustained this burden for his entire adult life and it's my fault but he doesn't blame me, it's not as if I could help it. I can't control anyone or how they feel. If I could things would be so vastly different but I won't say how, everyone is hurting enough. But in the beginning their roles were reversed and if that doesn't help you to understand why this is all so hard then I don't know what will.
In speaking with Batman this evening it seems as if we may not win this war after all. We can push but when push comes to shove there are risks we simply won't take and roads that we won't travel that will grow over, obscured by trees and brush so thick daylight is no longer distinguishable from night.
Night has become endless.
