Things have quieted down. The sleep, comforts of my friends, time to talk and do little else, as chores and errands and babysitting was divided and conquered easily leaves me on sure footing. Which is good, I need my wits about me, Loch's presence puts a kink in Jacob's armor as they unwittingly try to pull rank on each other-Loch for time served as my friend, and Jacob for his role as my husband. They only thing they seemingly agree on is that they both want to help me get back. For now it's just the way things are but having Loch drop his plans and fly in for a week and hearing about his sudden change of heart and apathy towards any personal relationships outside of us is disheartening and weird. I just can't deal with it today and he won't say much so for now it's comfortably strained, if that makes sense.
Claus opened his office to Jacob and I on Saturday afternoon and we talked to death. I put the rest of it out there, the remaining horrors I had kept. Claus is here for Jacob to lean on as much as he's for me. He's well-paid and over-qualified and no bullshit. He's also on the verge of retirement which is where Joel comes in. Joel's too young. I don't trust him, but Claus is hoping for a long and slow, successful transition because he said this time I'm not going to orchestrate my progress.
I've been put on a meal plan. Which is interesting. My weight has dipped amazingly low. (The number I posted here has been removed, fuck you). My periods stopped. A lot of things stopped. I am still going, however. Such a fucking mess. I can go escape with headphones and being held and then I really don't want to face anything else. I feel ashamed and weak. I feel sad and fucking tired. I feel guilty.
And love, I feel love when there shouldn't be any. Jacob's here. I tried to break him on Saturday and he didn't budge an inch though I know his soul is screaming for anything but some of the things he had to hear. Continuing to let it out in bits and fragments isn't helping. Claus wants us empty, clean slates to work towards substance and strength. He is amazed and I'm so buoyed by his pride in my progress but at who's expense, Jacob's? Is that fair? Is it right? Is it time?
Attempt, if you will, to remain positive like I must.
Jacob has been nothing but loving and reassuring and so protective. He's sad that he didn't try to look past me and see for himself, instead he chose to trust me and I was so untrustworthy. He's sick over it and I already dealt with the shock, years ago. Alone. And that might make me stronger than I thought overall but it still leaves me mind-breakingly weak. His words, when pressed for a reaction, gently, Jacob looked up with his eyes so drained and he said we had just progressed from heart-breaking to mind-breaking and that he's just...stunned by the admissions and by the memories I keep, right under his nose. And the worst part is I shut it off, I shut it down to keep him safe. Again.
Claus is surprised I am not worse. Joel thinks I'm still holding out. He's right and that's why I have trouble with him. Jacob thinks I'm a wounded bird, and Loch, well, Loch thinks life should start over.
I will only worry about my Jacob, the rest of them can take care of themselves.
