Excuse me while the space cowgirl puts some memories out there. Just to make some room inside her head for something new and good.
Constant overstimulation numbs me
But I wouldnt want you
Any other way.
Just, not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I said, I dont want it.
I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive.
Bridget, there are two directions you can go with this. One will make things better and one will make things worse.
This in response to nothing more than my eyes traveling above Jacob's head while he was speaking this morning and coming to rest on a 1/4 bottle of Appleton rum sitting on the top of the cupboard in the kitchen mocking me like a schoolyard bully. Because someone left it there. Maybe as a test.
I went for a chair and climbed it. He took me off the chair and put it back.
I got the chair again and he shook his head and crossed his arms. A bad sign.
I reached the bottle while he frustratingly yelled at me to get off the damn chair.
And I opened it.
I poured it down the drain.
And put the bottle with the recycling. And I smiled like the brat that I am.
When I looked at him again he was grinning from ear to ear. While I briefly noted in sadness that his relief was written all over his face. Trust is so hard to come by with certain subjects. But Jacob is all gung-ho to use our losses now as a jumping off point, an emotional trampoline to a higher level of spiritual grace. It could be worse, at least he isn't plotting to run away again.
I had an email question that intrigued me greatly the other day that made me think of running. The last time Jacob ran off he was gone for six weeks, just after Christmas last year. That was the turning point for me. It was when I realized that I missed him far too much and that I couldn't keep this up forever. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to be with Cole anymore. Even if Jake never wanted to be with me, he showed me how miserable and toxic my marriage was, he had shown me without words how unbelievably abusive Cole was. It was also when I recognized Jacob's proclivity to run when things became difficult.
(The email question was asking when I finally changed my mind and stopped trying to save my marriage. Where the proverbial turning point lay. Not the easiest question I've ever had. I get a lot of questions, which I try to quietly work into the entries without being so blunt. Sometimes it's harder than it looks. And my mind is really fucked up right now, so bear with me.)
My feelings were confirmed when Loch called to tell me that he had heard from Jake and that Jake was making his way home at last. He had been climbing Kangtega (Hello! Adrenaline junkie). I was so excited he was coming home I couldn't contain myself, never having reacted like this before, and he's been on a lot of long exotic faraway trips. That night at dinner, Cole even brought it up, in the smug fashion he used whenever he talked to me about Jacob.
Chris told me Jake would be back on Friday.
I know, Loch called me.
Well, that's good news for you, Bridget.
I hope he had a good time.
Why was I playing it cool again? Oh yes. To save myself. The rest of the week passed in a flurry, it snowed a lot, Cole worked a lot and I got regular updates via Chris and Loch on Jacob's progress out of Nepal.
Early Friday morning Jacob called. He was waiting for his connecting flight home, was I going to be here all day because he was going to get in mid afternoon? Of course I would be.
Friday afternoon the doorbell rang. I opened the door and there he was.
Jake. Covered with snow. A sugar-frosted treat for my eyes. Looking much the worse for wear. Long beard, longer hair. Wild eyes. Grinning from ear to ear. He smelled like a wet dog, and he was carrying two backpacks. He threw them down and grabbed me right off my feet, squeezing me hard in his arms.
Oh my god, princess, I missed you.
I was crying. I couldn't speak. He pulled back and put his freezing cold hands on my ears and looked at me, laughing.
So this means you missed me?
I nodded.
He laughed out loud and picked me up to twirl me around again. It gave me time to pull myself together.
I'm so glad you're back, Jake.
Honestly?
Yes.
Awesome. I'm going home to shower and unpack. I have a ton of laundry and I've got presents for you guys. When's a good time to come back?
Come for dinner.
Want to check with Cole?
No, just come.
Check, Bridge.
Okay. Second.
I went and phoned Cole at work. He laughed and told me he was working late but to go ahead. He said he'd make up for lost time with me tonight. Nice. I know what that meant. Go play with your boyfriend, Bridget, you can pay the price for it later on. I ignored the dread he left me with.
He's not coming, so it's just us four.
Okay. What can I bring?
You, and not the wet dog smell.
What? Oh, okay. Wait til I tell you. Fourteen hours on a bus. FOURTEEN! With goats. Or maybe I was hallucinating. Wait until you see the pictures I took for you.
Go and clean up.
He kissed my cheek.
Okay. I love you, Bridge.
I love you too. See you soon.
Then I closed the door and thought WTF? DID I JUST TELL HIM I LOVED HIM like it was something I do every day? My friend...who's married. But I'm married. Hell, we don't have any shame anymore. We have said it before. Just not out of the blue like that.
Oh wow. What am I doing? But damn, I have to make dinner now. He must be starving.
When he came back two hours later he was cleanshaven and smelled really good. He had presents for us. He was so happy and full of stories to tell. The kids climbed all over him.
Thankfully I didn't have to think about what to say to him over dinner. He stuck his face in his plate and pretty much shovelled until the food was gone. Then I got up and made him up a second plate and he ate that too. He never took his eyes off me.
Then he pushed back from the table and took a sip of his wine.
I meant it, Bridget.
I gasped, and then I jumped in with both feet.
So did I, Jake.
So why are we doing this?
Jacob, you just got here. You've been gone for weeks.
And I thought about you every minute of every day. Are you okay?
Does it matter? You weren't here.
He sat up and leaned across the table. He wasn't smiling anymore.
Did he hurt you while I was gone? Because I will kill him.
Don't talk like that Jacob.
Fine, I won't kill him, but I'll get you guys away from him.
Stop it.
I'll stop when you come with me.
I thought you might come back with a fresh outlook.
Yeah, the outlook was realizing that you should be with me.
He grinned, enjoying crossing lines as usual.
I couldn't...even if I wanted to. Besides, you're married.
He frowned.
Bridget, I did come back with a fresh outlook. I want you to leave him and I'm going to do everything in my power to see that you do. Because you and the kids need to be safe. You're not safe here.
I was safe enough for you to leave for weeks on end.
Of course you're safe when I leave town.
So now you're claiming responsibility for Cole's behavior?
That's not what I meant. What I mean is when I'm not around things level out for you guys.
Right. So it's my fault.
No. Maybe. I don't know. But I look at you and you're not happy with him.
No, I'm not.
Tell me why not.
Because I married the wrong man.
So let's fix it.
I'm afraid.
Of what? Change?
I'm afraid of Cole.
He cornered me by the kitchen sink and held my face, pulling it right into his. He stopped when his lips touched mine and he didn't move, he didn't kiss me. He just stared at me. I finally pushed him away and turned my head to one side so he wouldn't see me cry but it was too late.
Dear god, Bridget, bring the kids and just come with me. I'll buy a bigger house. Please.
I whispered. I can't.
I want to know what he does to you that makes you so afraid.
Oh no. No, you don't.
I need you to tell me so I can help you, Bridget, please!
I didn't tell him. I still haven't told him. Cole is lucky he's dead.
But something had changed in Jake. He didn't let it go this time. I think ten years of having the same conversation over and over again had left him weary, drained, fed-up. Unwilling to dance around it any more.
Bridget, all I did on this trip was think. And I'm going to give you until Easter. When Easter comes, I'm going to ask you one last time to come with me. I'm going to go sort things out with (ex-wife). So you have until then to sort out your feelings or raise up your courage or figure out how to tell me to fuck off. Until then, I'll be around if you need me but princess, I can't do this anymore. It's time to decide whether you want to be happy or whether you're just going to wait for him to destroy you. I can't stay around and watch that happen. It's killing me too.
If he had told me he had already asked his wife for a divorce I might have gone with him that same night but for some reason he didn't tell me. Oddly he didn't want to add to the pressure he had put on me to do something. Anything, as long as I didn't continue down this slippery slope with Cole. But he didn't tell me. Instead Jacob went home that night after giving me a long hug and not saying any more than he already had.
And me? I did nothing. Absolutely nothing. All I did was watch him when we were together and bide my time with Cole until that day in April. Three days after Easter Sunday when Jacob came over and asked me to go with him, and I did.
He says that campaign number three was a success. Because now I'm his. He swears it was the wet dog smell that won me over. I beg to differ.
