Thursday, 10 August 2006

That's B for Bridget. Brat. Doesn't really matter.

Dear Diary,

I didn't feel like posting much today. The first day of Jacob's vacation went about as smoothly as rocks in chocolate sauce.


It started with an argument after midnight. About the airplane fears, the tension with regards to flying. I was angry because he has been around the world twice over without me and he's going to make this stressful? I've only been on a plane half a dozen times and I was so excited until last night. He let his fears spread out over both of us. Contagious fears at that.

Going to bed mad is a difficult thing to do when you've been married a little over one hundred hours. We tried. We really did. We both said we were sorry and we didn't mean it at all. We tried to make up in bed, which basically led to angry sex, which looks fun on paper but isn't fun in real life, it's frustrating and miserable and so unhappy and raw. And Jake sort of liked it. I could see that and it made me feel better and I got very excited and got into it and he stopped. Cold. Frozen, and unwilling to go any further or cross any lines. The straight up guy that he is. I love him to pieces.

So I made things worse and I yelled at him and cried and I slapped him. He grabbed my hands when I went for the second strike and just held them, firmly. And I couldn't move or do anything or get away from him and he took over and just finished and I was left to cry. Because he went to sleep in the guest room. I told him he was a selfish bastard and I shut the door and cried and cried. When I woke up he was wrapped around me this morning, arms tight, face in my neck, much as usual. A relief.

I think we spent all morning apologizing and then we headed for our counselling session.

Where I proceeded to simply confirm that I'm a fucking idiot. Jake told the counsellor about last night and instead of offering help the counsellor simply repeated his earlier suggestions to take things slow and go from scratch.

Right. That obviously isn't and hasn't been working.

So I fired him.

We're done. Thanks, I think that's great. Tons of help. Bye-bye!
Jake was still sitting in the chair. I had the door open. Ready to go, come on, honey.
He just stared at me. Probably embarrassed. Ashamed that he married such a fucking wingnut.

Jake, are you coming? Because I'm done here.

Bridge, what are you doing? Sit down, baby, please.

No, just come with me.
(ugly UGLY crying now spurred him into action.)

Yeah, Bridge, I'm coming.

God bless him, he got up and came with me.

Then he let loose in the truck. Because he wasn't about to let it go. Can you blame him?

Bridge? Bridget with a capital B for brat. What in the hell was that all about?

Not wasting anymore time or money with that useless man.

He's helping us.

He's doing nothing, Jake. You know the protocol too, just make a list and we'll work through it.

Do you want to risk everything on my subjectiveness? It's not that simple. Half the success comes from a third party keeping things calm and rational.

Calm and rational aren't my strong suits.

I see that. Does that mean tonight you're going to try to hurt me again?

I'm promising nothing.

Such enthusiasm. A complex girl. Difficult.

Yes. And you love it. When you should hate me by now.

Yes, because I didn't pick the bunny hill did I?

Right. You picked the experienced trail.

I think I picked avalanche alley, come to think of it. I knew what I was doing.

Jacob. Stop.

It's true. And truthfully if you knew how hard it is to get mad at you you might use it against me.

I wouldn't do that.

Then don't ever slap me again.

I wouldn't. Ever.

I can't believe you did it in the first place. Weren't you afraid of me? Not that I would slap you back but still.

No, I have faith in you.

You do? Thank you God. What's changed?

You were there when I woke up.

Of course. Where else would I be?

Anywhere else. I love you and I was never so relieved to wake up and be in your arms.

I love you too. And you'll never be anywhere else when you wake up, that I will promise you.

The day smoothed out eventually. I might never stop apologizing for striking Jacob, because I don't do that. I never spank the children and I have never hit anyone in my life. I wasn't even going for his face, I was trying to beat out my frustrations on his back, his shoulders and I just flailed in my misery and connected, but excuses aren't important. The important part is getting back to the hard work and hanging on to the good parts because the bad ones are crashing in around me. I'm coming down off the high and the issues are all still there, the time is still there ticking past and smoothing things out by the second. Slowly. Like molasses.

I can see I am not out of the woods yet, and the path isn't one you can rush over. Oh, not for a second will I be allowed to assume it is. One step at a time.

But no more violence. There has been too much of that. I crossed a line with someone I would never ever want to hurt in a billion years and I'm sorry. To everyone who had an ounce of faith in me, but most of all to Jake, who forgave me before I even did it. Because he would. I am sorry.

See you tomorrow. Hopefully the day will be better. Hopefully I will be better.

If not, well then I keep trying. And keep going.