Tuesday, 1 August 2006

Pillowtalk therapy.

Sometimes late at night we have the best conversations. Jacob is obsessed with the points of trust and finds it hard to grasp how hard I struggle with it. I've always taken my fears and worn them on the inside. If I'm prettier, thinner, more fun I won't be alone. If I get better and don't have to deal with any remaining unrealistic psychological issues from my beating, from Cole's death,  Jacob will be happy and he'll stay, in my head. If we could find normalcy he'll stay. If I can do everything in my power to make him happy he'll stay.

He shoves back. He doesn't want a doormat, a trophy. He wants a strong, happy, healthy girlfriend. No, he wants a strong, happy, healthy, relaxed girlfriend who has gained a few more pounds because he said sometimes I hurt. He makes jokes about my serrated hip bones. He doesn't understand how I could worry that he's going to give up since he's still here after everything that has happened. How he's been here mostly since I met him. How he struggled to find a balance between living his own life and living it for me or for hope so he continued his travels and eventually got married. It makes perfect sense. How he has all the confidence in the world that I am doing well and mostly myself again. Because I have the right kind of support and love around me. Not just from him though. He insists he only helps and I am doing it. Humble to a fault. I'm sure he has saved my life many times over at this point.

We talked about my hard work, my continued progress without being reduced to being a child in our relationship. And we talked about our promises to each other to continue to fight for this, and for each other every single day of our lives because we have earned it. And we want it still, almost more than before we were together. It's profound now but no longer fucked up. I don't feel like I'm out of control. I don't feel like I'm alone. I feel like I'm settling in and I like where we're going. It looks happy and content and permanent and magical.

He's a good man. A very good man. He's so loving and just solid. And not prone to fly off into rages and mood swings and violence. He's gentle, thoughtful and real. Real in a way I never thought I would ever deserve, let alone experience.

Whatever doubts I had left are slipping away. I'm happy to see this. This is very good.