Long day. Bad day. Don't really want to talk about it but you know when something is tough for someone you love and you try to support them and you think it will go smoothly and then it doesn't at all?
That was today. I kind of understand how they feel now. They will never understand how I feel, though.
I am just a poor girl
Though my story's seldom told
I have squandered my resistance
For a pocketful of mumbles
Such are promises
All lies and jest
Still, a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest
Lochlan was playing the guitar and it sounded a little bit familiar. I thought it was The Boxer and I was really looking forward to the Lie-la-lie part and the diction of the final verse but he stopped when I got to the end of the first verse with its changed pronouns, eyes wide.
Wow, that changes everything, when you do that.
I can make anything sinister. I can make it all wrong and no one can fix it. That's my superpower, I guess. Just fucking things up.
This morning is Monday and we're due a thunderstorm after lunch so we are organizing outside chores really quickly and sorting out the space between now and Thanksgiving, which apparently is a couple of weeks before Halloween and I always forget due to the sheer number of former Americans in this house.
(And the sheer fact that Halloween is a literal and figurative nightmare now.)
I am paying bills and we're delegating the months chores on the big chart and Ben's place was divided up by all of them but now that he's back (he's back he's back he's back) it's only mine that have to be covered and I still persist in doing a ton of things so very few things need to be switched up. We have the menu set and we're starting to pull together anniversary plans for Daniel and Schuyler. Lochlan and I didn't actually celebrate this year. You know, five whole years married. It still seems disingenuous somehow. Like we're cheapening decades of being together so we've decided to just mark the day quietly and not make a huge fuss. But with Daniel and Schuyler we're coming up on ten years for them and this is a very big deal. And so we have three big dinners and two holidays and Christmas is only a dozen weeks from now and...
JESUS CHRIST.
I need this cast off so I can get things done, so I can hold on to the edge of that hole with both hands as long as I can before letting go, so I can fight off ghosts, memory fires and strange bedfellows with both hands. So I can hold my laptop up in front of my face and fend off the shame of new readers who just show up and think they're going to read the whore show and then get angry when I go in deep.
Sorry, not sorry? There is no genre here, just Bridget. Maybe Bridget IS a genre. A type. A thing. Whatever. Superpowers. Music. Hurt. Fuck off.
***
What song were you actually playing this morning?
Streets of Philadelphia.
Oh. Crazy.
The crazy part is that you gave a very sophisticated guess.
Wonder who gets credit for that?
Sam yanks the pillow out from underneath my face. I was so enjoying drifting in and out of dreamland underneath the rain pouring all over the skylight, enjoying the crisp warmth of a Matt/Samwich. They both smell like jasmine and sandalwood. They smell like freshly laundered velvet and rain. I don't even know but I forgot to ask what the soap was they use because it's so addicting.
Coffee's ready, sleepyhead.
Just leave me here.
Church in two hours.
I don't care.
God cares.
We've had this argument. He does not.
Okay, well you're not staying here so if you're not coming with me then you have to go home.
Ah, the sting of being dismissed. How I hate it.
Matt sits up and pulls me up with him, kissing my cheek. Bye, sunshine.
Wow, you guys really know how to shut off a party.
I only came over to see if they were watching scary movies, as Sam had mentioned they might be on Friday. Caleb and Lochlan were holed up in the library 'talking' with the door closed, because apparently the jarring nature of seeing Lochlan's breakup speech in print hammered home some residual guilt. Lochlan, I think, was pretty sure that as an unreliable fourteen year old girl, I would also quickly forget what he said to be mean and move on.
(Me? Do I move on? Ha. Never.)
It's Sunday.
Right. Do you actually mind if I just stay and sleep though?
You don't get to be alone. We'll take you back over in a few. We're heading out for breakfast before worship so if you don't want to join us then you have to turn back into a pumpkin now, I'm afraid.
Gotcha. I get up and let the sheets fall just so they know that I am way more of a fun Sunday than church.
God help us.
I told you, good luck with that.
Sam walks over and slides my dress over my head. Get. Ready. I have to go.
Boo, I say as my head pops through the hole.
Scary Bridge! He says and laughs. I get a kiss on the other cheek from him and I am turned and marched out the door.
Far across the emptiness I walk the night
And search the silence in the dark you left behind
I seek the stars above the world to be the guides
But they all pale against the light in your eyesIn your eyesAnd I won't suppose to know why you walked away
But I can feel you pushing through beyond the space
To send your energy to me and I'll push through
Send your signal home and bring me back to you
My eyes survey the room. The sun is up now but the curtains are closed. I can hear the birds through the open windows though. We have a tiny brown wren and a large colourful flicker making a nest in the eavestrough right outside the window closest to the bed. I got out on the roof yesterday afternoon, planning to move it, but I was still a foot too short so I had to play dumb and not tell them I went out and I pointed out the fact that I think there is a nest there. Lochlan won't touch it. He thinks maybe it's necessary and we'll worry about it in the spring if the birds are still there.
He stirs briefly and then is awake all at once and I forget about the birds as he pulls me in underneath him, crushing my lips against his, a breathless kiss from just at the surface. His hands fight down to my legs, and he pulls my knee up around his hip and then he pulls away, up in order to give me a proper kiss, to let me breathe just for a split second, a nod against my head to make sure everything is good and then he is moving against me, slow and gentle just until we match our movements and then he turns harsh and desperate, passionate, fire eating us both alive.
His hair is in my face, his arms clutch me up against his heart, his hand presses my head against his chest, holding me in the air, and then he pulls us both up so he is on his knees in the centre of the bed, quilts falling away from his sinewy arms and muscled legs, his back slick with a sheen of sweat from the sudden temperature spike. He readjusts his hands under my legs, going so hard I can't breathe anymore at all and then suddenly we are at a crawl again. He pushes forward and I am lying on my back again as he holds himself up with one arm and pulls me close with the other, driving against me, sounds coming from his throat as he tries not to moan out loud. Failing as I make the smallest sound when he hits the perfect mark and just stays there, holding out until I can come with him, wherever he goes as always and that sound he makes finishes me off.
He smiles and kisses the end of my nose and then the space between my eyes but he doesn't let go. He stays locked against me and I stretch involuntarily, shuddering out my limbs before folding them back in like a cat.
And he laughs and lets go at last. You haven't done that for years.
You let go sooner these days.
The laugh leaves his eyes but I'm right. We use to remain in our embrace for the night, not moving for hours before finally, reluctantly releasing each other as if it would physically wound us and it did, ever so slightly.
I won't tonight.Or ever again.
It's fine. It's not practical-
I don't care if it's practical, Circus Peanut.
Sure you do. Everything is practical. Everything always has to make sense.
You never made any sense to me. You never followed the rules of the universe. You still don't. That's why I always tried so hard to make it logical.
Does it make sense now? At last?
No.
I'm so happy to hear that.
Don't cry, Bridget. Please don't cry. I'll make it right.
You already did. You came back. You're the only who came back.
So let the others go.
I want them to see what they missed.
They don't deserve it. And they already know what they missed. But they never had this. You were mine from the first moment. The only mistake wasn't made by us, it was made by those who couldn't see the truth.
I nod again. He's right. We're in a late-fall cloying heatwave, sitting in the camper in the near-dark of the earliest morning. We just let go of each other to breathe. I have had my big stretch. He has had his coffee.
When I grow up I'm going to get your name tattooed on me so that they see.
Do you think anyone will read it and understand how big this love is?
No, of course not.
He smiles again, wipes the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs and shakes his head. I don't even understand how this happened. All I know is that it's more valuable than anything and everyone is going to try to take it from us and we won't let them.
I nod. I'll believe anything he says. Never stopped, even when he said so many other horrible things a few years later in order to make it easier for us to be apart, for me to hate him and move on, in order to save my life.
You're too small. Too tenuous. Too naive. You're only good for one thing and it's not enough to be worthwhile even. Everyone is afraid you're going to break. Or cry. Or disappear on the wind. Everyone falls in love with you and it's hard to fight them while you just let them do it. And you aren't even smart enough to understand what that means, Bridget. That's the worst part. Trying to protect you while you're constantly running away from me.
I didn't-
You wanted him to touch you and now you're lying about it-
No, I DIDN'T!
You're only saying that now because you're scared. Because I'm not going to fight your battles for you anymore. You can have him. See if he does a better job-
Locket, don't.
I already did. Because Cole isn't any stronger. He can look after you. The brothers Grimm can have you and you can see how your fairy tale turns out without me.
DON'T LEAVE.
I told you, I'm already gone. I don't love you anymore. Get over it. You're not even big enough to be a memory.
Those words make up some of the biggest scars to this day. Words spoken in desperation so that I would hate him and move on. So I would be safe. And all of it was lies but it still hurts. He really went above and beyond, showman that he is. Making it count. Making it worthwhile and making sure it had the desired effect. The ensuing years when I believed I was worthless and worked my way through all of them, letting them do what they wanted, letting me believe all the wrong things. Wreaking permanent damage and it's never going to be fixed and this is the legacy of one redheaded teenage ringmaster in over his head against the lions but putting on a show nonetheless.
What if we take some of this magic and turn back time?
I stare at him in the dark waiting.
Close your eyes.
I close them, trying to relax every muscle in my body. He kisses me. Softly. Slowly. Just once.
Good morning, Peanut. Open your eyes. I open them and all I see is him. Did it work?
No.
GODDAMMIT, he yells but he laughs afterward. It's a jaded laugh, bitter and worn down by the years, it's frustration and history and it's ours so we'll own it all, the good and the no good at all.
No, Henry isn't angry at Caleb. And Caleb isn't upset about Henry's mood yesterday. Henry sometimes feels possessive when he is spending time one on one with anyone, including mom, because as I have talked about before there are a lot of people here in the Collective and there can be very little privacy. So if you're hanging out in the kitchen at least eight people will be by at various times to see what's up, try and join in out of boredom or (most grievous of all) not realize you are actually occupied and invite you to do something else. Henry is always a popular person. He's adventurous, enthusiastic and welcoming. Affectionate. He holds his own, as I talked about yesterday.
So he and Caleb went out for breakfast, spend a long time talking and hashing out feelings, expectations and boundaries. Caleb was frank and honest with him, and Henry appreciated that, and Caleb appreciates where Henry was coming from, with regard to spending time with me without interruption and how sometimes it appears that Caleb thinks his original Collective blueprint gives him some sort of veto power over me.
It does not.
Henry didn't believe me, but he believes Caleb when Caleb says all he can do is ask, and that he does get lonely and he probably does pressure me and he's going to do a little soul-search to find his patience and his memory again, that it's easy for him to get off track. He loves me so much.
Apparently Henry told him it's not a competition and that he can see that I love each one for different reasons or sometimes Venn-diagramesque, overlapping reasons. Why can't Caleb see this?
Caleb admits his weaknesses, his failings, his mistakes. That's why we're all here. To do better, together.
I think Henry would have liked that but then the story goes that Henry laughed, finished his tea and pointed out this breakfast wasn't a job interview and the buzz-phrases and false assurances were exactly what he is talking about.
I would say the same thing to your mother, Caleb reminds him. We're all here to make it right and to stay together as friends.
My mother's lost her mind, he said and Caleb's heart apparently fell out and rolled across the table. We always think we can blindfold our kids in order to gloss over the hard parts only to find out they could see all along.
Henry Jacob. Caleb says it softly. She's doing the best she can and that's why there is a Collective at all.
That was the beginning and I can't share the middle or the end, but lets just say no one was seated near out of discretion by the host, and by the time they returned to the house it was almost noon and I was fretting but they apparently kept talking until it didn't hurt anymore and then went for a long walk before returning home. They brought flowers for me. They brought reassurances. Henry isn't planning to start lashing out but he does want to see a lot more help and a lot less of me being left to my own devices even as I am known for going off alone and it isn't anyone's fault. And he doesn't want Caleb to ever argue with me again or Caleb will have to answer to Henry for it.
It's almost as if I knew I would never be equal to them all in strength so I just went off and made someone who is.
(A rare glimpse into a rare soul. Don't get used to it, he's off-limits.)
Spent the morning with Henry. He's the model for making masks as he has the largest head, and we also spent a little bit getting him set up with his very own credit card, something he is very excited about. Mostly because I go around warning people not to use their debit cards (if your debit gets compromised it's a tedious process to fix. Credit cards have much more simplified fraud protection, that's all) and debit was all he had. He's in such an intensive program in school he can't work until he graduates in the upcoming spring but he has enough money banked and only asked for a small limit so the bank said yes and the card is on the way.
All the masks fit too. I have a template I use. I sew all of them, collect them, wash them and redistribute. There's a big basket of them right beside the front door. He wore a pink flowered one to vote on Monday so I figured it was time to add some new ones to the basket. These new ones are all very gender-neutral.
I pointed that out and he said Mom, no one cares what mask I wear. Colours aren't divided by gender.
Oh, this child. He teaches me so much. I put the pink mask in with the rest. It's only technically mine because I have a very tiny head and it's a very small (childsize) mask that I picked up at the beginning of the pandemic. If I talk though it slips so I wear the ones I make now too.
Twice he told Caleb that he could see me later, when Caleb popped his head in to see if I was free. On the third attempt Henry actually roasted him. Man, you can't see she and I are spending time?
And stood up to wait for Caleb's answer, eye to eye. Henry is no longer a blissfully ignorant eight-year-old and instead a jaded twenty-year-old who has decided Mom is off limits to everyone's bullshit. Even though most if not all of it is kept from him and I try so hard around him. He doesn't miss anything, however and I maybe should give him more credit.
So I do and this happens. I backed him and I always will, because Caleb looked around the side of Henry and asked if maybe later...?
The day's full, Henry reiterated and I looked away again.
He's right, Cale. Maybe text me tomorrow.
Or maybe leave it til Sunday or Monday, Henry says. Parting shot fired. Kill shot.
Caleb's face drains of all colour and he nods. Will do, he says to Henry. Sorry for barging in.
It's fine. Now you know. Henry smiles mildly, just like Jacob used to when he was pissed but being professional and closes the door again to the room.
Henny-
Mom, it's bullshit. He makes you unhappy.
He's provided this life for us. For you. For all of your uncles.
They can cover it. He's almost...parasitic.
Henry Jacob!
Around you. He's good to everyone but he makes you sad and I hate it. He fucked up Ben and-
He doesn't-
Mom, you don't need to protect me anymore, I'm an adult.
I turn and look at him. He's in red/green. Three-dimensional. Jacob steps to the side four inches and then back in and it's Henry again. Same earnest intentions, same ironclad values, same low tolerance for anything but someone's best.
I know you are but just understand things are really complicated after so many years.
Oh, I see that. Don't you worry.
Made me smile so big and I haven't stopped smiling since.
What's the face for? Ben asks hours later. Can't stop won't stop.
It was a good day.
Really?
Yeah. I'll tell you about it later.
And for the rest of the evening every time I tried to go and see Caleb to apologize, to point out how adult Henry actually is and how little gets past him, Henry would stop me and say you're not going to go discount my actions earlier, leave it.
Ah. Might be Jacob's but you can definitely tell this boy was raised by Lochlan.
Best sleep of my life, with my arms wrapped around Ben's neck, Lochlan's arms around me as he is pressed against my back, his arms out around me, past me to hold Ben close. A B, B & L sandwich, the way it's supposed to be, and no one is ever hungry. No one is left behind, we're the three musketeers and he's solid enough, confident enough and stable and now I can resume my trajectory forward, into the hole in front of me.
It's the first day of fall. One of the twelve-foot skeletons is floating in the pool on a lounge chair. One is climbing up to Christian and Andrew's balcony. The pumpkins are artfully arranged on our front steps and the patio steps too, the tiny orange lights are strung up around the porch and my ghosts wait for their turn to scare everyone once it gets dark enough.
It's not going to, Lochlan says, as he lights his torches, one by one. Not now. We're back together again. Nothing's going to get in our way. Not anymore.
I hold my cast against my chest. I can feel my heart hammering as Jacob stands, patiently. A spectre, a sentry, a memory that won't be fleeting as it's too visceral and I've lost my mind. No one can find it. We looked everywhere. It's gone.
Maybe it's for the best, I look at Jake when I say it. He just looks away.
Shhh, Cole says as he strokes my hair. You don't need to worry about that.
I nod, like I did to whatever he said, or Caleb would always make me pay for talking back to his little brother.
Lochlan hands me one of his torches, and helps me hold it up because I can't do it with both hands. He has his head pressed against mine, hard. Not this time, Peanut. This time we get to burn it all down.
Gosh, I hope so.
Since it's not that far to Provo I called for a plane yesterday and managed to get an empty leg flight for Benjamin, Daniel and Schuyler and gave Schuyler the money back for the commercial tickets, and he laughed at me and declined my e-transfer.
We don't care about any of that stuff. Time, as always, means so much more than money and Ben is home. He is fat again, not sure how he manages to gain so much weight is so many short weeks but he does, and he brought his journal where he wrote out his hopes and dreams and he said we should read it.
It was indeed what Everett calls a top-up visit, a way to renew Ben's commitment to his sobriety while understanding the tenuousness of it and how it relates to his relationship with me in where he sacrificed himself to give me something to worry about so that I wouldn't worry about everything else and then he realized how tenuous it actually is.
Also, I just add that worry on. Everything else remains right where it is. When it comes to fretting and anxiousness I am the world's best mutlitasker, and I can't even walk and breathe at the same time.
I had to wait though. The car pulled down beside the front walk and the driver got out, opening the doors first and then going around and pulling the bags out of the trunk. Everyone is hanging back by the fountain and once the car pulled away again, Ben made the rounds to greet everyone. He always leaves me for last so that he doesn't have to let go and this reunion was no exception, except for after several moments holding me off the ground, not moving, he grabbed Lochlan back in so he could hold us both. Lochlan already had a hug. What the fuck. But it was so stunning to have him back suddenly, the bull in our china shop, taking up so much space here in our world. I don't think I could have lasted another day, honestly. Not sure Lochlan could have either. I'm sure Caleb might have, as he knocked on our door late last night asking for eleventh-hour companionship, coming in briefly to plead his case, being gently denied and then leaving before we could request it. I knew that would happen and I know he's probably still smarting from it but I can't worry about that right now.
I only let go of Ben at the end of my hug so that he could go take a long hot bath in the big tub but he just called for me so um..bye. :)
Pulled down roughly into Caleb's lap this morning and kept there, on the couch by the kitchen woodstove. Lochlan's gone up to do some work organizing files and we already walked up the hill to vote. Somehow we couldn't do it during the four days of advanced voting so we got out before the lineups got long. Henry is still sleeping. So is PJ. It's a quiet post-rain day. Caleb was reading with his coffee on the table when we got home. He's been nothing jovial lately so no one is in early warning mode at all, even though I can't go near him lately and I'm unable to articulate as to why.
I looked into your house listing.
I stiffen slightly. Here he is trying to fix everything that's broken between us with more money. Money can't bring people back to life so it's no good to me anymore. Will he listen? Never.
It has water damage. You can actually see it in one of the pictures. The owners appear to be walking away.
It was just a day dream. Do you have any imagination at all?
Dreams don't make sound economical decisions, Neamhchiontach.
They're not supposed to. And I need to go upstairs so may I leave?
I'm not keeping you here, he says as he relaxes his grip on me. But maybe we can sit down later and you can go over your list, and we can find or plan something to build that will give you the peace of mind you're looking for.
It won't and that is the whole point, just to scroll listings and see if you can imagine yourself living in a place.
I could live anywhere with you.
Not with that lack of imagination.
Talk to me for real, here, Bridget. What's happening.
I'm just processing the book, that's all.
The book.
Yes, the one I talked about for three weeks straight while I struggled through it. The one you said you read and you didn't. The one everyone said they read.
So I should read it.
Probably not. I just need time.
I need you.
Maybe later.
You've been saying that for a while now.
Why does every fall season see you getting pushy and possessive? Let me live. Please.
He stares at me for so long I see his emotions run the gamut behind his expression. It's neutral but his eyes range from rejection, shock to panic, fear and then protective and finally acceptance.
But for how long? I just want to make sure you navigate the hard parts with everything you need, that's all.
You know what I need?
I can't bring him back, Dollface. How many years are we going to do this?
Until I see him in Heaven.
Do I need to call Lochlan?
Lochlan's here, Lochlan says, pulling me up gently out of Caleb's arms, being so careful with my cast when no one else remembers.
I think she's starting to get panicky and tired, Loch. Anything I can do?
Be less demanding. The rule is she comes to you. Don't make things more difficult than they are.
The book-
I know. Reading it now.
Instead of going to church in the rain we have set up a wild Real Estate group roast this morning. Lochlan said it was too cold and damp for me to be outside today. He gestured at the window while he peeled my orange for breakfast. Don't worry, I had a rosemary rocksalt bagel too. I also had a Long Island Iced Tea at about nine last night, which meant a solid, mildly-drunken sleep. Amazingly I did not have to get up in the night to pee, which is somewhat unbelievable seeing as how if I even look at a glass of water after seven or so I am toast or maybe I was just tired but this was much needed, and much appreciated.
I feel like I'm ten again, and he is cutting fruit for me with a knife because he doesn't believe I am old enough to safely use tools. In this case these oranges are hard to peel and I can't really do it with one hand. PJ offered and was dismissed, later to be apologized to and he told Lochlan that to make it up to him, Lochlan could peel his (PJ's) orange too.
Oh, I'll peel your orange, alright, Padraig.
Promises, Handsome.
And I giggle in spite of myself.
Right now we are pontificating on people's inability to construct a floor plan that flows, their strange need to put entire laundry rooms inside bathrooms, why they all use the ugliest brightest highlighter colours they can find for feature walls, and the odd practice of spreading lawn furniture and planters out, away from the house in haphazard arrangements that make zero sense. My favourite ones are full of kitschy coastal decor, as if the person who bought it (because I tag waterfrontage and hardly look at anything else) was new to the sea and wanted to make sure we knew it, they always tag it 'The Beach House'. You can all but guarantee a compass rug, shells scattered on the tables and some crossed oars going up the stairs in these places. It's beautiful and funny to me.
Mysterious dents in fridge doors, whole missing doors and cheap furnishings or finishings are huge turnoffs. Hey, I have baskets in my house from Dollarama too, the secret is to make sure everything you buy is white because then it blows out in photographs and looks expensive. A primary-blue plastic basket is not going to have the same effect. Also for gods sake don't you dare show me a bathroom with no mirrors, or one huge mirror on a stand right beside the bathtub. Glass near the tub is one thing I can't do. No all-bright yellow interiors or I run screaming. Don't show me a house full of Walmart furniture that has a separate four-car garage on the property and many questionable things in the basement (some sort of kitchen) and freshly dug 'gardens' way out in the back twenty. Uh-huh.
Drugs, Dalton leans over my chair to look. That's where the bodies are buried.
Oh, oops, you're right, I say, and we move on. I won't link that one.
One delightful house up the highway toward Northwest cove had the most delightful rugs and art (INCLUDED) and you could tell they knew what would work for the space and I'm still considering just picking that house up for later. For the years when no one needs me anymore, when the kids are too busy and I am lonely and the only thing that ever fixes the hurt is the proper ocean that I belong to and not this dark imposter. I hate to even think of those days and so for some reason I feel as if I am prepared if I keep an eye on houses and places and plans.
But it's tiring because I hate your paint colours and I hate those little hexagon standalone showers that everyone renovates into place (including the house linked above), an afterthought when they started with the best of intentions and I don't want to see your woodstove in a questionable fire-scary location in your house. And I want to know who died there and if they haunt it and how many steps there are to the sea and if your shingles come off every hurricane and which way you drive down the highway to shop. I want to know if the neighbours are decent people who could help you in an emergency or if you have a place to leave the boat in the water year round (because boats are such a hassle) and it needs to have as many bathrooms as bedrooms, multiple easy places to park and a driveway that isn't frightening (like mine, drops straight down off the road, into the abyss) and if the house will be warm and full of light.
Not asking for much.
At all.
Ha.