Fate itself unraveled
Make the emptiness my home
Into the starlight will I go
Soaring into the unknown
I think I spoiled my own birthday surprise and I couldn't be happier.
Everyone seemed so busy today. Lochlan was so wrapped up in emails (not related to the project he's just completed but a random host of beta-software testing, Cirque du Soleil presales, random confirmations of upcoming appointments for his truck, teeth, eyes, arm followup, etc. etc.) that he let me start random dreadlocks in his hair. Though I don't know what I'm doing.)
PJ said he was just back and had a lot to catch up on.
Like what?
PJ eyes left and right. Uh, you guys suck at deep-cleaning kitchens.
I don't. I even wiped every single blind on blinds I only drop down to clean. I scrubbed the crumb tray in the toaster oven. I bleached the inside of the dishwasher. Fuck you, Padraig. Find me a crumb.
Dalton and Duncan are nowhere to be found. Ditto August. Emmett is available, walking toward me and so I quickly turn and head briskly in the opposite direction.
Caleb is about to go for a run. Daniel is out. Andrew is out. Batman isn't taking the bait as he's smarting over the past week's rebellions and Jay's probably a bad idea. Sam is sleeping. Gage is away. ARGHHHHH. I just want to go for a walk on the beach.
Maybe tonight? Ben says helpfully from behind his giant mixing board.
Sure, I lie. It's come to this. Promise?
Do my best. He smiles distractedly and I head back upstairs, turning left down the little hallway behind the kitchen that also leads to the back foyer where the patio doors circle the entire back of the house. I don't even grab shoes. Who needs shoes? I walk purposefully across the backyard, skirting the concrete-pouring extravaganza and disappear behind the gate.
I look out before I head down the steps and right away I see it.
I scream-whisper because I know damn well I've ruined it but I don't care. I also don't want to scream-yell or they'll all freak and come running and I'm not supposed to go down to the beach alone. Too many steps. Too steep a drop-off. Slippery rocks, hazards, sometimes sea lions. Sometimes distracted Bridget and a hungry Pacific. Sometimes just to make them feel better I listen to them. Sometimes I agree with them.
But not today because look at that.
I turn back to the right to head down the steps and bump right into Lochlan. Who was standing behind me probably the whole time, because he has weapons-grade hearing skills and a loaded, somewhat angry smile.
Peanut. You fucked up my plans to surprise you.
Oh no I didn't.
The grin becomes relieved. Excited?
You have no idea.
At the other end of the beach, there's a brand-new tiny shiny camper set up. A fire circle is built. Two chairs are opened in front of the door, under the canopy. It's safe from the tide but not back far enough for me to miss, tucked in safely against the cliff.
This is my dream.
I wonder if he'll let me sleep out there, with him? I wonder what the weather is like for the weekend. I wonder how they got it down here. I wonder if it's finished inside. I wonder if I'll ever come back up except to spend time with the kids. If he wanted me all to himself, he's done it. I don't even think anyone save for us could fit into it.
That's the idea.
We're going to live here?
Maybe. Maybe some nights. But you don't get to go down there until Friday evening.
My birthday's on Saturday-
Right. Don't you want to wake up there? By the water?
And then I'm crying. Geez, not the pretty cry. I don't even have that feature. Naw. All streaky-red, blubbery gratitude-soaked relief that he did this. Finally.
Glad to see you're happy about it. He shrugs in mock doubt, pulling me in close, dropping the act, confidence blooming back. You think I don't know what you need but I do. I promise I do and I'm trying to make it happen. It may take me a little longer, you may think I'm not paying attention or understanding you but I am. Also what did you do to my hair?
Everyone seemed so busy today. Lochlan was so wrapped up in emails (not related to the project he's just completed but a random host of beta-software testing, Cirque du Soleil presales, random confirmations of upcoming appointments for his truck, teeth, eyes, arm followup, etc. etc.) that he let me start random dreadlocks in his hair. Though I don't know what I'm doing.)
PJ said he was just back and had a lot to catch up on.
Like what?
PJ eyes left and right. Uh, you guys suck at deep-cleaning kitchens.
I don't. I even wiped every single blind on blinds I only drop down to clean. I scrubbed the crumb tray in the toaster oven. I bleached the inside of the dishwasher. Fuck you, Padraig. Find me a crumb.
Dalton and Duncan are nowhere to be found. Ditto August. Emmett is available, walking toward me and so I quickly turn and head briskly in the opposite direction.
Caleb is about to go for a run. Daniel is out. Andrew is out. Batman isn't taking the bait as he's smarting over the past week's rebellions and Jay's probably a bad idea. Sam is sleeping. Gage is away. ARGHHHHH. I just want to go for a walk on the beach.
Maybe tonight? Ben says helpfully from behind his giant mixing board.
Sure, I lie. It's come to this. Promise?
Do my best. He smiles distractedly and I head back upstairs, turning left down the little hallway behind the kitchen that also leads to the back foyer where the patio doors circle the entire back of the house. I don't even grab shoes. Who needs shoes? I walk purposefully across the backyard, skirting the concrete-pouring extravaganza and disappear behind the gate.
I look out before I head down the steps and right away I see it.
I scream-whisper because I know damn well I've ruined it but I don't care. I also don't want to scream-yell or they'll all freak and come running and I'm not supposed to go down to the beach alone. Too many steps. Too steep a drop-off. Slippery rocks, hazards, sometimes sea lions. Sometimes distracted Bridget and a hungry Pacific. Sometimes just to make them feel better I listen to them. Sometimes I agree with them.
But not today because look at that.
I turn back to the right to head down the steps and bump right into Lochlan. Who was standing behind me probably the whole time, because he has weapons-grade hearing skills and a loaded, somewhat angry smile.
Peanut. You fucked up my plans to surprise you.
Oh no I didn't.
The grin becomes relieved. Excited?
You have no idea.
At the other end of the beach, there's a brand-new tiny shiny camper set up. A fire circle is built. Two chairs are opened in front of the door, under the canopy. It's safe from the tide but not back far enough for me to miss, tucked in safely against the cliff.
This is my dream.
I wonder if he'll let me sleep out there, with him? I wonder what the weather is like for the weekend. I wonder how they got it down here. I wonder if it's finished inside. I wonder if I'll ever come back up except to spend time with the kids. If he wanted me all to himself, he's done it. I don't even think anyone save for us could fit into it.
That's the idea.
We're going to live here?
Maybe. Maybe some nights. But you don't get to go down there until Friday evening.
My birthday's on Saturday-
Right. Don't you want to wake up there? By the water?
And then I'm crying. Geez, not the pretty cry. I don't even have that feature. Naw. All streaky-red, blubbery gratitude-soaked relief that he did this. Finally.
Glad to see you're happy about it. He shrugs in mock doubt, pulling me in close, dropping the act, confidence blooming back. You think I don't know what you need but I do. I promise I do and I'm trying to make it happen. It may take me a little longer, you may think I'm not paying attention or understanding you but I am. Also what did you do to my hair?