The moment I walked in I was busted because I felt him there. Caleb was sitting at a window table in the tiny restaurant where I had made reservations and planned to meet Luke.
Is he coming all at?
No. Considering his stipend hinges on discretion he thought it best to call me for advice and I told him to skip it and that I would deal. with. you.
I sit down and the server brings me a stiff drink. My eyebrows go up and then I remembered it's Caleb. He waves a finger and people bring him whatever he wants. Oh, and look, here I am.
I drink the whole thing and the glass is scooped away before I let go of it, a new drink in its place.
May as well get trashed. I got caught snooping after being told to leave it alone. I just wanted to know what happened so I don't wind up a pawn in the Devil's chess game. I didn't want sordid details, I just want to know if Luke let Caleb fuck him because if he did and Caleb's about to possibly pull the biggest character shift of our lives, then I need to be prepared.
We've always had a plan B (for Bridget) if Caleb pulled the plug on the collective, but I don't like surprises. Are we finally done with the game? Will I grieve for it? How does one flick a switch like that because I need to do it too and this would be a holy grail much like the one in which the Devil brings my ghosts back to life and I don't have to hurt anymore.
Also, curious. Always curious to a goddamned fault, please don't kill me, I can't help it.
He waits until I take a sip of the second drink and then he starts talking. A reprieve maybe from my impending death over oysters, bread and brie.
I watch Sam and Matt together and you know what? They're so at ease together. They're like best friends but with affection and a desire to be together all the time. They want to have a future and they put each other first. It's beautiful. It doesn't hurt that Sam has grown into a handsome man over the past couple of years. Maybe it's his confidence coming back but it makes him shine.
(Okay. The Devil has a crush on Sam. Check.)
Loch and Ben are affectionate with each other.
Loch fights it so hard.
He shouldn't. It's good to see..
(Okay, CHECK. He's got a crush on....Lochlan?)
Same with Daniel and Schuy. It's something that I wondered if the dynamic is more relaxed if there are certain factors removed. Like physical size. Gender. A lack of competition. Luke is almost my height and seems unattached.
Seems?
He agreed to the trip so it's a guess. But I felt nothing. It was benign, relaxing and almost pleasant. But I felt NOTHING.
That isn't how it works. If you aren't attracted to him then it is nothing and you're wasting time.
That's what a fling is.
Oh. I get it. But is that what you want? To feel nothing?
I thought it was but then I came back and the moment I saw you it all came rushing back in, drowning me. Now I see your metaphors.
And?
I still want to keep you, to hurt you.
Great. Thanks for the heads up. I'll be going now.
He stares, disappointed, while I wait for my body to follow the signals my brain is screaming at it. My body betrays me. Not the first time this has happened.
What's wrong. He's out of his chair.
I'm just going to sit here for a minute. What did you put in my drink?
Nothing? You pounded back three drinks at lunch and you're wondering why you're fucked up? We've only been here a short time. Christ, you only weigh about eight-five pounds.
Right then. You can carry me to the car because DAMN.
Why did you drink so much?
Why'd you order so many?
I thought this would be harder. I actually ordered one drink for you and two for myself.
Oh, well then sorry babe. Hahahahaha. I needed it because I thought I was going to lose you to the light side too.
The light side?
Well clearly I'm the dark side here.
This is why I will never leave you.
But you're not WITH me.
Semantics.
