I'm so warm and calm insideHere today, gone tomorrow. It's unintentional immersion into my worst fears, for I only can reach my arms around him and he's gone again, the living spectre in this ghost story, the one you think you see in the shadowy darkness up ahead, but then when you return to the safety of the bright lights, you dismiss your sighting as a trick of the mind.
I no longer have to hide
Lets talk about someone else
Steaming soup against her mouth
Nothing really bothers her
She just wants to love herself
I'm getting better at the goodbyes now, able to save the great hitching sobs and endless tears for after he's gone, instead of during or worse, before the goodbyes. He holds me so tight, it's as if he could just absorb me into him and I could ride along for the duration and never be away from him.
He went on a spree of domestic bliss before he left, putting in the new range hood, mowing the lawns, giving the puppy a thorough bath and spending individual time with each child. He played his guitar for me and held me safely while I slept, going out of his way to make the days count for as much as they can while we continue to navigate life after death, hand in hand.
It still sucks that Ben is always leaving, though.
Now I must go, I'm making a surprise for him, I'm painting the den so he'll have his very own man-cave here at home that he can disappear into that isn't the basement music room with the work connotations. An oasis in plaster and paint and wood. It's okay though, he knows I'm doing it, he just doesn't know the color I've picked out or the actual decorating plans. It will be a nice surprise overall and it will be finished by the next time he comes home.
I hope. I'm not all that psyched to paint a whole room by myself but it's one of those things I think I should be proficient at doing. Along with other life skills like changing a flat tire and pole dancing.
Er..
Snort.
Wish me luck. I've got my drop sheets and I'm going in!
(If you don't see me by lunchtime, could you send a search party? Okay, thanks. Bye.)