I found him easily. Always in the same place late on Saturday evenings. Going over his notes for the service the next day. Tired eyes full of mischief. Hair curling and sticking out straight, in his eyes, over his ears. Rumpled white shirt rolled to the elbows. Board shorts. Bare feet, always. Jacob had the biggest feet. It was like tripping over loaves of bread left on the floor by mistake.
He was sitting in the big overstuffed parlour chair in the den, a single lamp lit beside him. Papers stacked high on the table, the floor, his lap. He had a book open and he was writing on a piece of paper balanced on the page, lifting it every few words to read something underneath.
Hey, princess. I need five more minutes and I think I'm good to go.
He smiled absently and went back to writing and I nodded, a habit I hate, especially when you know the person won't see it because they aren't looking, and I went to gaze out the wall of windows into the backyard, still resplendent with tiny white lights and wind chimes making the garden look like a fantasy world for fairies and small princesses alike.
Movement behind me. I turned to watch as Jacob packed up his papers and put everything in messy piles on the desk. He shook the hair out of his eyes and smiled and crossed the room to wrap his arms around me. He planted a huge kiss on my forehead.
How are you doing, princess?
Good. I miss Ben though.
He frowned.
Ben has issues you shouldn't have to see.
I'm not a child, Jake.
No but if he cared about you he would spare you the ugliest truths, Bridget.
What purpose would that serve? Honestly? I'd rather see flaws and all. It's liberating and touching. He doesn't care if he's vulnerable in front of me.
It's an albatross, a burden you shouldn't have to bear.
He's my friend, I can help him.
He's your friend, he shouldn't subject you to his demons.
That's a selfish thing for you to say. We're supposed to help the ones we love.
We'll help him. I want him to stay away from you, that's all.
I'm closer to him than anyone.
And he took advantage of that.
It's a cry for help, Jake.
It's a crime, Bridget.
So throw the book at him and then you can feel righteous in the face of misery. Isn't that what you want? To be better than everyone?
All people should strive to be better.
He was sure that was the end of the conversation, but I wasn't going to let it go and he never forgot it. It changed everything.
Closer, then.
What, Bridget?
You want to make sure that you're closer, Jake.
He sat there with the question on the tip of his tongue, one he couldn't ask because he was afraid the answer might turn out to be one he didn't want to hear. I didn't say anymore and I should have. I really should have said something.
I went down this evening and stood in front of my dead Jacob with my offering of the dead dragonfly and he looked pained, worn and drawn. He tried to shield the weariness from his eyes for me. I would only be there for a moment.
Oh, Bridget. I can't bring things back to life.
Sure you can. God has given you the gift of presence in my life, it must be a package deal. Resurrect this and then you and Cole can bring each other back to life for me. Then you can promise me no one ever dies ever again.
Time on earth is measured, princess. You can't change that.
Bullshit. You chose your departure when you flew.
Flew? Is that how you describe it? Beautiful.
Don't change the subject.
Fine. A question for you. If you had known we would only have eighteen months together would you still have spent them with me?
That isn't fair, Jake, and you know it.
Why don't you feel safe that he's here to stay, Bridget?
No one has ever given me a reason to.
Ben has.
How do you figure?
He wears his heart on the outside for you. He gives you everything. His frustration, his jealousy. His rage. His happiness. His misery. His bliss. There's no mistaking how he feels.
Why couldn't you do that?
I wanted to feel righteous, just like you guessed after I banned him from the house. I was petty and jealous and I wanted to be everything. Instead I was nothing.
You weren't. You were everything.
No. But I knew he could be. That's why I picked him.
Pick is a strong word. You asked me to consider him and it was a surprise after so much adversity between the two of you.
I was selfish in life. I didn't want to be selfish in death.
So bring back the bug. Make him fly. Make him hover. Prove to me that you're real.
He smiled, so gently. Just like that night from his chair while he was distracted, hurried.
It doesn't matter if I'm real. What matters is that you keep me in a place where you can work through the feelings you hold. That's very important. I never had that capacity, Bridget. It's one of the very things that keeps you so resilient.
I'm not resilient.
Take a deep breath.
I did and I waited for him to say more and he didn't.
Now what?
Go love, princess.
You didn't help me.
You helped yourself.
How?
You figured out that Ben isn't in this for any reason other than because he loves you. Instead of trying to be perfect or pious or logical or better, he simply presents himself to you, full of flaws and mistakes and offers to be with you. That's something the rest of us couldn't manage. We couldn't let you see the weaknesses because we were afraid. Ben comes to you with the fear up front like a name tag. He doesn't try to prevent you from spending time with anyone or lay down rules, he just keeps going with the same dogged faith that since he gave you absolutely everything he has, that it will be enough, even as you turn to the others for comfort in his absence. And upon his return you'll be handed back. He trusts everyone he loves.
And you didn't have the same kind of faith.
I'm not half the man he is.
No one is, Jake.
You're right, princess.
And I'm safe.
Yeah, you are. At last.
Oh good, because I really need to let go of this dragonfly now.
He laughed and then he was gone, and I was standing alone in that room with the bare lightbulb swinging gently. I took another deep breath and I vanished too.
