Bridget gone wild.

The astounding lack of surprise that Bridget has gone off the deep end is still reeling with me. No one is surprised at all.

My mom loves J, my dad thinks he's terrific. Most women love him, he's drop-dead handsome and silly and aw-shucks in a way that is completely different than Trey's smoldering bad-ass raw sexuality and dark flashing good looks were.

So there.

I'm not known for being flakey or doing anything less than totally self-righteous. I pride myself on morals, faith, justice and true love. Everyone knows I'm a straight arrow for sure. I sat here and waxed about how strong and wonderful my marriage was because I wanted to believe it. Maybe if I could just talk myself into it then I wouldn't practically explode blushing whenever J was around. The harder I tried to push him away the more I wanted him.

I never do anything wrong because I don't think I'm capable of it.

When I threw myself at J years ago when I had too much wine somehow I knew he wouldn't take me up on it so that was ok in a weird way. I'm not like that, I don't make waves. And here I had gone and charmed a friend who followed me around like a puppy for a decade and waited til I married someone else and had children and then went "oh, I changed my mind."

J said he didn't mind a bit. I hooked him good. Holy sweet banana pancakes.

It's uncharacteristic to the extreme. Have I lost my mind? I lost my resolve, my wits and my heart (again). I'm really not a wild person, I pay the bills, tuck money into savings, clean the house very regularly and then I make things for people I love when I'm not writing, reading stories, teaching the kids. I don't go out, I don't do anything illegal, not even speed.

And the more I think about this the more I think that it went both ways, that Trey let me down easy because he just knew that I had J waiting and that I wouldn't be alone. Perhaps I was dumped. Does that make this more or less strange?

Last night I was coming back through the house, ready to give J back his corduroy jacket that he put around my shoulders to wear outside to unplug the lights on the patio I found him sitting on the porch swing, his head in his hands, rocking gently. He looked up at me and his eyes were red, watery and weary. He was worried about me, about the kids, about how us being together at last produces a ripple that travels outward from the centre of our universe and rocks everyone in it and we have to keep everyone from tipping over in the wake. And then he smiled sincerely and said he really didn't want to leave.

Damn, all he's missing is a white billowy shirt and a fountain pen. Swoon. Damn rakish poet.

Trey is staying at the home of friends who have gone away for a few weeks anyhow. Don't ask me why I feel the need to share that. Maybe because of what happened next.

So I swooned hard. Again. Haha. Push those buttons J. I didn't make him leave. I am so not a bad person but I am and I don't care. I made a (totally half-assed) valiant attempt to get my life in order before I ever slept with him and I think I almost succeeded. Or maybe I can just delude myself.

It was totally worth it.

Hot damn. I will require help removing this smile. Hot fucking damn.

I know I know but like I said I don't care.

A big mess of explanations but no answers.

I left Trey.

There's a history here that I haven't really gotten into. Trey is no saint. He's thrown me over more than once on a whim or a girl. He's thrown plates and walked out. Granted he has mellowed in recent years but he's still done these things, and what they left me with was an eating disorder, depression and a general mistrust of all good things crumbling down around me without warning.

J has been a part of my life for almost as long as Trey. He has threatened to kill Trey as he's picked me up off the floor from where I sat surrounded by broken dishes. He's held my hair back and had to listen to me as the pain made me sick to my stomach. He's restrained himself admirably when I've thrown myself at him when drunk. He has held me for hours as I shook and sobbed. He's had to put up with being accused of being the father of at least one, if not both of my children (he's not). He entered into a total sham of a marriage in an effort to move on with his life, but it didn't work. Apparently he asked his wife for a divorce weeks ago without telling anyone, and she is willingly obliging him, knowing exactly why.

And yesterday morning he walked up to my front door and asked me if I wanted to be with him. For real. Forever. Trey saw it coming. He enabled it because he knows I'll be happy. Happier. He knows J is a good man who can provide for us, and take care of me, and he knows I don't have that iota of mistrust in feeling secure because the bottom won't fall out.

Don't get me wrong, Trey is not a monster, never was. We grew up together practically and who doesn't have rocky times?

No one was very surprised at all.

Only me. I looked at J last night and it was odd to see him there, right beside me. He smiled at me with his exhausted blue eyes and reminded me that everything would be okay.

This would have been very creepy if Trey's car had gone off a cliff with the brake lines cut or something. I'll admit that. I sort of feel like a trophy passed down to the next year's winner. Trey is characteristically detached.
Trust me when I say the electric current that runs from me to J and back has always sizzled and popped like no flash lightning storm I have ever seen. This was meant to be. It's been a love triangle as long as I have known him. He has always given me a soft place to fall and maybe that wasn't such a good thing. Would Trey and I have stayed together if J hadn't always been there to run to? Well, I don't know the answer to that, and it's too late now.

And now I'm starting over. I had the best first kiss of my new life and J left to go sleep at his own house because that would be weird if he had stayed. He held my face in his hands and kissed me so softly I almost fell over from the profundity of it and then we both had to laugh shakily while he spent a good ten minutes untangling his watch from my hair. That stayed with me because he laughed but he had tears in his eyes. He is so happy.

It is going to be okay.

Morning.

It's ironic that when you need a place the most to get your thoughts out you remember it's become a very public place in recent months. Having the traffic means you're subjected to the opinions of people you don't know and the harsh judgements of those you do know. I think I've called everyone who had to be called, if not my apologies because I'm a little bit rattled. If you're finding out here technically you're still finding out from me. The horse's mouth. The whore, I mean.

I left Trey* yesterday.

I'm okay, he's okay. Everyone is fine. How odd.

Long stories. I can't get the words out well this morning and I'm dazed. fucking dazed.

Maybe more later or tomorrow or when I need to write. Probably later when I have had forty more coffees because I have been awake all night thinking.

*(Trey was Cole's forever nickname. When he put on his glasses he looked a little like Trey Anastasio. We're so endless with the nicknames here but this one stuck for fifteen years.)

And sometimes change is good.

It's time to start fresh. Give me a day and I'll be back up and running with lots of news to write. See you soon.