Rest in peace, Christine McVie. You were a big part of my tiny, brief childhood and a prolific voice ever since.

Recon, recoup, relax.

I did not get out of bed last week. My mood was bad, my enthusiasm got a failing grade and my smile was in such poor form, if not nonexistent, that I chose to not subject anyone to that crap as it is always a first world problem and I am always the first in my own little world, as it is muffled from yours, silent and still. 

Lochlan spent the first day fretting, the second day yelling, the third day he slumped into his own brief depression and then on Friday he summoned the doctor, who not only gave me more meds but also gave me some meds for the latest round of eczema around my nose, as I get stress induced bumps when it isn't caused by anything and everything else. I look like I have a very bad cold and my nose is raw. Ben called it a must-rash and now we're laughing again but I think it took far too long to pull off and this morning I got out of bed, showered and put on warm clothes and pulled myself the fuck together and woke up Lochlan and suggested we go for brunch so I could hit the ground running. He was so happy I think he cried and then I had to eat my breakfast with my left hand as he came and sat on my side of the booth and never went back to his own, a customary habit long in the making. I am decent with a fork in my left, anyway. I still have both eyes, so that's something. 

That joke is also long in the making. 

I have almost finished the Unabomber miniseries. I'm going to watch everything else in my list this winter and sit by the fire and rake leaves and shovel snow and be productive because that's the point of life. If not you're wasting it.

Those were the orders from Loch, backed up by the whole army. I asked if this plan had a name and he said Operation: Princess.

Cool.

Valentino for the imposter, thank you.

Four plane trips and two attempts at high speed Netflix and I finally finished season 3 of Bling Empire. I don't even know why I watched it, though I was really hoping for Kevin and Kim to finally give in and get together and so the stupid plot device DeVON or whatever seemed so fake. 

Not like any of it was 'real' but that was really disappointing. LOL I love trash television and I get so little of it. Humor me. 

Now I'm going to cry my way through Twentieth Century girl I think, unless I decide to knock off some horror flicks first, but we shall see. Ben is up for anything now that Bling Empire is done. He watched two episodes of it and was horrified. I was like but look at the Chanel dress or the Gucci bag! And he would ask if I wanted one. 

Sigh. That's not the point. 

The point is if I have a bag like that or a dress like that it's a Very Special Occasion. And I have a handful of beautiful bespoke designer pieces but not to wear every day just to go to some sushi joint like they do. Not that I would anyway because I'm not a fashionista or even a wannabe, but I am a huge people watcher and am fascinated by what people do in the wild. 

I watch them in order to become less...feral. I don't know. That's what Christian always said. And ever since he started saying that I see that he's right. I can follow the trend and dress to the nines and look like I am the epitome of self-assuredness or whatever I'm supposed to convey but on the inside is that sticky little wild brat screaming to run free. 

Then again maybe they all feel that way too. I mean all the self-assured folks in their designer outfits. All the confident people strolling into and out of my peripheral vision. Anyone. Everyone. Who knows? No one will tell me either way so I am left to imagine it, as I am with everything in life.

Better.

Caleb pops his head in to where I am lying on the floor in the sun like a cat, the only human characteristics being my headphones, clothes and the fact that I am belting out broken Korean lyrics with all the passion of an accidental tourist because I know like a handful of phrases and that's it. 

I see him and rip the headphones off, ending my singing and he smirks briefly, looking all of twenty. My heart lurches and then slaps itself backwards into next week and I snap involuntarily. 

What. 

I just wanted to say I appreciate your discretion with Samuel and I've also spoken to him about attempting to gain inappropriate time with you. 

ARGHHHH. I pick up my phone without responding and dial Sam, who picks up instantly. 

Bridge. 

Are you okay? Caleb just told me he came for you. 

Huh? He asked a few questions about church and then we talked about maybe getting some Japanese food on the weekend. 

Oh, okay. 

He didn't mention you or our conversation. I was ready for it. Thanks for typing it all out. 

Anytime. K, love. 

Love. 

I hang up. Liar. I go to put my headphones on and he barges right in, taking them out of my hands. 

It was implied-

Yeah, yeah. And what did we say about not interfering? 

What should I do when someone attempts to usurp me? 

Nothing? Unless you're there and even then you do nothing. That's the deal since you hurt Ben. I can handle Sam. 

You could handle Joel too.

Stop it, Cale. I'm having the best Friday and you aren't allowed to ruin it. 

Then I shall leave you to your uh...music. 

Thanks.

Appetite for destruction, I guess.

Sam and I went out for breakfast this morning, a rare getaway with just the two of us since Matt is sleeping in and so is Lochlan, truth be told because it's a hella windy Thursday and we were all up late last night and there are precious few morning people in this household at any given time. I got a text, woke Lochlan long enough to let him now and then let myself into the bathroom to shower quickly and put on warm woolen tights, a wool dress and pearl earrings, which I promptly took off again as I hate how they feel. An extra ring instead made me feel semi-polished and I was off to meet Sam in the driveway where he opened the car door for me and then came around and got in and we were off. No radio, no talking until we were seated at the restaurant and our coffee and drinks order had been taken, with nary a frown made for my request for a mimosa made with grapefruit juice, since coffee alone is static, boring. 

Besides, if you aren't day-drinking are you even having a day?

That isn't funny OR clever, Bridget, Sam says kindly. 

If I had wanted to be funny I would have ordered one for you, too. I mock-glare at him over the rim of my cup. The one downside of this restaurant are the chairs are rather low for shorter folk and so the table hits at chest-height. I stand up, place my bag on the seat and sit on it. Brings me up to above armpit level and I feel more normal. Hahaha. Do I actually? I mean, have I ever? 

Then I realize I could fuck up my phone, key fobs and everything else and slide off it and return to sitting at child leg-swinging height, chin on table top. Well, not actually but it feels close. 

Should we move to a booth? 

Let me test it. I head to a booth but it's not much better. In fact, it's worse, somehow. Great. No, that's fine. 

Excuse me, could we have a cushion? 

Yes, of course. 

They bring a big stiff pillow from the lounge window seats. Nice! Eight going on whatever old I am now. Perfect. A booster seat like the one in my truck. Semi-humiliating but also exceedingly helpful.  

The food arrives and I order another mimosa. It's going to be a long day. Sam eats exactly one quarter of his food before starting in, and I was ready for it. 

About this winter-

Yups.

Bridget-

WHAT. 

Caleb isn't-

Up for discussion? No, he's not. You're right, Samuel. 

He looks at his plate. I spear a piece of roasted potato from it and eat it in spite of having saved all of mine for last. I'm hoarding them to absorb the alcohol. 

Lochlan-

Is fine with it.

Is he? I don't think he is. 

Are you? Because I'm thinking you are not. 

You're very good. 

I nod, no idea at what. 

I am jealous. 

You have Matt. 

I was hoping-

Okay, I think we're ready for the bill. Let's not even go there. If you want a visit here or there just ask me. Don't turn it into something obsessive. I'm the queen of that. Trust me. 

I feel oddly calm and detached, like I'm giving the safety announcement on a plane before takeoff. Put on your oxygen mask before putting the ones on the people you need to help so you can help them, for God's sake and if we go down none of this is going to help whatsoever so good luck and hope you had a nice life. 

(I did, thanks for asking and no thanks to those who fed my overstuffed ego. Or let her drink.)

Wax-sealed (for her pleasur- EW).

We finally got the whisky advent calendars at stores in Canada this year. If we had them before I didn't see them and no one at the stores knew what I was talking about but of course now that I can waltz in and buy one I am balking at the price tag ($336 for 24 30ml drams which isn't even a full shot each) when I can by two bottles of Lagavulin for the same price...ish. 

So that's what I'm going to do. 

Also...climate people...a Klimnt? Are you mad? Stop it. Want to target something? Go glue yourselves to an Amazon warehouse. Average of four trucks a day on my street. It's ridiculous. I still make jokes that I can order 4 things and get 7 deliveries. Even if I check the box that says to wait and deliver it together. 

I should see if they have the advent calendars. Can you order alcohol through Amazon? Should I even look or should I leave that monster in the closet with all of the skeletons?

Waked goods.

How the faces of love have changed turning
The pages
And I have changed oh, but you, you remain
Ageless
I turned around
And the water was closing all around
Like a glove
Like the love that had finally, finally found me
Then I knew
In the crystalline knowledge of you
Drove me through the mountains
Through the crystal-like clear water fountain
Drove me like a magnet
To the sea

Today is decidedly fall-like. PJ snuck some maple rum cream into my coffee, Duncan pretended he didn't see it. Caleb did see it and began to protest before receiving a swift kick under the table to the shins from Ben. The leaves are halfway down now, piled everywhere and I drank my coffee and then went outside to lie in the biggest pile, listening to Stevie Nicks on my air pods, plotting maybe some breakfast when I went back inside, but later and maybe more coffee since I didn't feel awake. The rain threatens but holds, clouds obscuring the blue this morning. Ben came out and threw me off the cliff at nine sharp and then I had to change into dry clothes and suddenly needed woolen tights with my dress and Lochlan's ancient cardigan with the big wood toggles. 

I didn't need any more coffee though. I'm awake. 

I'm awake.

I made eight dozen chocolate chip cookies, boys all but hover-drooling around me as I worked and they quickly volunteered to clean up afterwards while I took a plate of fresh cookies to Batman's. When I left his house Lochlan was waiting by the path. He took my hand and we automatically went the long way, through the grass at the top of the cliff. To the sea. To the sea, I hummed inside my head.

My airpod batteries died hours ago but I can recharge them. I am currently also recharging myself.

Jacob, the elephant in every room, on the lawn, floating in the sea, sitting on a cloud. You name it, I can see him.

A beautiful blonde elephant and I chose not to mark his death or his birthday, though I may have poured a whole scotch into the ground for him right in front of Lochlan but I didn't say anything out loud, I only said it in my head. 

Happy birthday, Pooh. Wish you were still here. 

Fifteen years on and I don't know what to think anymore. It physically hurts to imagine him or think about him or hear his voice and see his face in a video or in my brain. It cuts my heart in half on an hourly basis and I don't know what you want from me, truthfully. I thought I would grieve and then live and move on but I just tuck the grief in under my elbow and go about my day and I'll forget it's there until it falls to the floor and rolls to the centre of the room and then everyone looks at it in horror until I snatch it back up and tuck it back next to my ribcage where my heart lunges for it and just about kills me, every single time. 

It's a giant hole and the boys did an amazing job not filling it but padding the sides so it's like a trampoline I can jump into and then bounce out of again. Lochlan's done an amazing job filling my field of view with his hesitant smile and his huge red curls, his easy hands and endless affection. I never have to ask for a hug or a kiss. My hand is always held. I am always in his arms. He is always right there, keeping his promises safe. 

The pills remain a necessity. With them I am brave. With them I can easily navigate things. I can deal with the thirst, the sudden narcolepsy and the late night wakefulness. I can deal with being benign about everything and emotional about nothing now. It's better than the fear that shadowed me my whole life thus far. I still cry. I still laugh like a teakettle someone forgot about, red in the face, tears streaming. I still feel things but they don't sink me in the quicksand sorrow I swam in daily before. Writing is so hard. Painting is so hard. Creative things are fleeting and difficult to begin but I am still here and before this I didn't want to be, in all honesty. I thought the kids were grown and independent and I could just disappear. I don't want to anymore. Thank the boys for that, they've been working so hard on this and I didn't say much because yet again I thought I would be a dismal failure to everyone. 

Jacob seems happy that it's working. I still look for his approval. I still look for his permission. 

Maybe that will change eventually too.

Am I home? I don't know, check the itinerary. Check the flight. Check the time. Check the gate. Don't check the bags. Check my brain.

Sorry. I know it's Wednesday. We arrived home last night due to a bunch of semi-comical and also tearjerkingly awful delays and we are just in time for storms everywhere, except here. I am happy to be home and I can tell you with great certainty that I am never flying commercial again, if only to erase the horror of listening to some woman chat up a guy so obviously (and he was so oblivious) for seven hours straight without even a fucking BREATH and when they got to zodiac signs and he said he was a Scorpio and she screeched Oh I lovvvve Scorpes! Lochlan and I almost howled out loud with laughter, two rows behind them. 

That almost made up for four hours of misery. Let me tell you. I am five foot nothing and those planes are made for preschoolers. Also people are so entitled. They put their carryons overhead and then proceed to stand there and organize the contents while the lineup grows behind them. Like what the fuck, get it later. SIT DOWN. 

And then when the plane lands? SIT DOWN. GOD. 

Yeah, I can't do it anymore. Call me a carbon slut but don't make me fly with the peasants. 

(Don't worry, I am the original peasant, dirty knees and all. Two dollars in my fist for a coffee and a sandwich, it's the first food I've had all week, thank you.)

(That statement for those who are blissfully unaware of how poor we were and are ready to rake me over the coals I stole to keep warm.)

I walked the empty beaches. I found rocks. I forgot about the rocks and damn near got ROASTED at the airport in security. I ate. I drank. I did not sleep at all and am ruined, mostly. I navigated (!). I cried. I heard bagpipes in person and I paid the piper. I bought silly souvenirs like good tourists do and I may have smuggled so much food home in our luggage we considered throwing away all of our already-worn clothing to accommodate it but in the end we rolled everything tightly and it worked. We had a wonderful week. 

We are exhausted.

We are never doing it again.

God's menu.

Packing for what kind of weather I don't know and he won't say. We leave tomorrow. Tickets in hand. Checking in to a flight tonight for twenty-four hours notice. Going a little crazy but also flying commercial. It's been a while. I am spoilt but I also know I can buy food after security and bring it aboard. Probably water or juice and then drink on the plane. 

Muhahaha. Am I kidding? Of course not. 

Am I crazy? More than a little, but we all know that already. 

Will I miss my boys? Of course but this is a Lochlan-exclusive trip. See you Monday (actually probably Tuesday.)

Jake.

His singing voice kicks into my head every time I stop moving. I've washed all the curtains, radically trimmed the huge tea-rose bushes around the back side of the backyard gate and pet the dog so hard I might have worn a hole in his fur, if not for PJ whisking him out of my arms and telling me I was in need of a good drink or maybe something even better. 

I tried that too. I went to Duncan. Then a night at August's. Then I kept Lochlan and Ben up all night the next night and then I ended up with Caleb because Lochlan and I are going away later this week and he won't see me for a few days so he wanted time. 

It doesn't work, PJ. Pour the drink. 

Get a grip on it, Bridge. It's just the time of year. 

Yes. I know it is. The weather turns cold and dark and rainy. The trees blow hard against their roots, surrendering their leaves the sky and to the earth. The pavement is slick and reflective. The heater comes on. The dog burrows in closer to the abandoned blanket someone left on the couch and my mind instantly flicks a switch on a mechanism slowed by rust from a million oceans of tears. 

The hard part is I don't know what he's singing, and so I catch myself listening. That's always how he ropes me in and one of the reasons I can never get too far from him. Time is not distance, it's just time. Space is meaningless because he follows. Trips are good for fun restaurants and distractions and I think I'll be okay but he'll still be singing, just out of earshot.

Herds and herds of grass-fed bread.

It's raining and cool and I get to have a forbidden glass of red while I make dinner, which tonight is two large down-home turkey, broccoli and pasta casseroles, with a healthy serving of garlic bread. I should just start a garlic bread farm. We go through a lot of it. Like loaves and loaves a week. It goes with everything. It fills up the boys in a season where groceries now cost a third more, which means we're spending close to a thousand dollars a week on food. 

I know that sounds weird. There's a lot of boys in my army. There's a lot of mouths to feed in this Collective. There are a lot of fancy things to be made. 

Like you know, turkey and rotini casserole. With cans of mushroom soup to make gravy and copious sprinklings of salt and pepper. But didn't everyone save for Henry absolutely love it and come back for seconds. It tasted like growing up in the seventies. 

Tonight we're watching the rain roil the sea, enjoying the calm between storms, Ben is off on a tangent, playing Yes' Starship Troopers on a loop, and Lochlan is practicing braiding PJ's hair for Halloween. Caleb has already retired to his rooms as he did not sleep last night, and I am going to watch a few videos on my Youtube feed and then turn in early, I think. It's the most lazy, laid-back Halloween weekend I have ever spent and I am really looking forward to doing absolutely jack-shit. 

I might offer to help Lochlan. It's been a long time since he's done braids. He used to braid my hair for me and then weave them up over my head like a milkmaid. It made him worry less, somehow. 

Getting your hair caught in a ride is the worst thing that can happen at a fair, he said, forgetting it isn't.

No actual spoilers..

We watched Halloween Ends. Or rather, I did. 

Ben gave up and wandered away somewhere in the middle, just when major characters were starting to call each other, and the plot holes of Halloween Kills out on screen. I almost expected a fourth wall moment from Jamie Lee Curtis but instead got what I thought was going to be knitting-needle redemption arc but aw shoot, no such luck. 

And then the credits spooled up and I was profoundly sad, suddenly. Sure it was campy and poetic and existential and downright masturbatory in places but it's also one of my all-time favourite franchises, right down to knowing the difference in movement between James Jude Courtney and Nick Castle. 

(I prefer Nick Castle but I do not prefer to hear the stupid heavy breathing sounds. He shouldn't grunt when he fights, he had almost a supernatural immortality thus far and this is dumb.)

Let's see who pulls out the new direction card next. Gosh I hope it's some insane director like Bernard Rose or Todd Phillips or hell, give it back to Rob Zombie. Or don't and call it a day. Either way the Blue Oyster Cult was a nice touch and it's the first time I managed to see one of these before Halloween instead of after!

If you bought a Camp Crystal Lake sign for your house I already hate you.

It's Sunday and I had hot chocolate and a banana for breakfast but then PJ brought us coffee and muffins so second breakfasts all around. I caught up on my chores and then some, and now I've moved on to things that are regularly ignored. One of the best ways to spend a Sunday is with an ipad with a good movie on it or a book, or both, time-permitting. I might bake some bread but then it will just vanish. Plus my hands and arms are so sore. So, so sore. 

The rain stopped but is due to come back right after dinner tonight so I am debating whether anything needs to be done or brought in outside. I think we're good, honestly and the leaves aren't going to stop for the next six weeks so no rush there. 

I will rake them up before Halloween to minimize slipping, however. Our sidewalk up by the end of the driveway gets very slick though it is supposed to pour rain so we may not even do Halloween. I used to love Halloween but it's exhausting now. It's also that I am sick and tired of bones and black and fire. I'm sick of death. I want earth tones and soft cleansing rains and Hygge. I want cheap decorations to disappear. I want things that are different. 

But like Halloween, it's a stage and it will end and on to the next one. 

Lochlan is plotting a little getaway for us, for fall. He won't tell me much, but said to pack in layers but pack light so I am doing my very best. It's almost two weeks away but it's exciting still. 

Off to finish watching Imitation. Wish it had at least five seasons instead of just one. So good.

Elitist, ignorant, ivory-towered. You pick. I'll wait.

The internet has become my forgotten child, I'm afraid. It's full of such...trash and also the place where all my entertainment comes from. Does that make me trashy? 

Oh, probably. Especially if you ask my readers. Does that include you, specifically? I don't know. I don't look at email these days. My ego is fragile and asleep, woken only if startled, eyes wide in the darkness before pulling the blanket closer and nodding off again. 

I did see that Jacob Hoggard got five years in prison for sexually assaulting women. I read every article that came across the news out loud in the room so that Caleb could pin and then also count his lucky stars. He would get far more than five years and there's no statute on that crime anymore here. 

But I also would have ratted him out years before if I was ever going to at all. The news just reminds him to be grateful and relieved. 

In other news I spent the night with Duncan. We were watching movies and I couldn't stay awake and so he tucked me in and left and slept on the couch in their living room. So I guess I should say I spent the night at his place (downstairs in my house) and not with/with him. Lochlan came down in the morning and was pleasantly surprised, since at the very least if I'm not going to get a black mark for the week on my Good Bridget chart I will be used as a human body pillow and snuggled to pieces. This time it was neither. 

It's raining this morning. Finally. I regret everything. It's dark and miserable but also infinitely cozy. This is what Pacific northwest dreams are made of. No more wildfire fears. No more brown grass and wilted plants. No more thirsty trees. 

Of course, now the floods will come because the ground is bone-dry, compacted and unable to absorb anything. This should be interesting. It doesn't flood where we are, just seemingly everywhere else. 

Sea lions on the beach this morning and so we couldn't go down. Sad. They are the size of my Jeep sometimes and so I don't bother them. Also animals are faster than you think if you are too close. Google a video of a bear chasing someone and you'll see. Fucking fast.

But the BEST news this morning? They're going to open the vehicle lanes back up in Stanley Park, since the park board is ABC-led now (the slate that got elected and have the mayorship, council and park board) and that is amazing (Note: I don't live in Vancouver, proper). Bicycle riders have the whole seawall and they can ride on the road as well, not sure why they pushed to have yet another lane. There's a very weird vibe in Vancouver where super-rich people who live right downtown in skyrise condominiums and bike everywhere or walk want to gatekeep the city by keeping out vehicles. I guess they want rickshaws delivering goods and supplies or something. They were trying to toll downtown, hospitals and all, and the park was a huge polarizing fight over the past few years. 

It was those people versus everyone else and I guess majority rules. But I will be glad to see the park open and less traffic getting in and faster to get around and then zip, over the Lions Gate bridge toward home. Yay!

A house around the sea.

Yes, I know I have to vote. As soon as Henry is up and dressed so around noon or one or something. He promised to go with me today but said he wouldn't get up early to do it. Ruth said she'll do it after work. I am trying to raise civic-minded people who make an effort to at least elect the people who align with their own thoughts on infrastructure, development, recreation, trails and property taxes. It will be important later. For now it is learning. 

Also the boys. They are being taught as well. They are not as civic-minded but they also bitch and winge about traffic and development and trails and taxes so BOOM. VOTE, MOTHERFUCKERS.

In the meantime, I did all of the winterizing, or as much of it as I could do over the past week. Cutting back plants, taking down hoses and covering the spouts. I'll turn off the inside valves before it gets really cold. I will leave the one hose out by the side door due to it being where I clean my tools and buckets from throwing clay. The clay goes into the garden and I get clean tools and I don't have to worry about the plumbing. 

I brought in cushions off the patio and took down some of the more delicate globe lights. I put the cut plants in the mulch pile. I raked up the garden beds and flattened them out. I covered the little baby cement fountain that lives in the orchard and Lochlan has already put another coat of clear stain on the swing to protect it from the eventual rains. I pulled up the big stepping stones and stacked them in a pile at the edge of where the grass turns to soil and I harvested the remaining rosemary that I want with a plan to plant holy basil all along the path next year and leave the path in forever. We change the pattern in order to maximize nutrients and grow things in different places. It's a weird habit but if you've ever grown corn you know that some things suck the life out of the soil, and some things suck the life out of the soil around everything else too so I try to rotate crops, as it were. 

I will watch the temperatures and do the remaining things just before it all gets really cold. They are covering the pool today and by that I mean the motorized walls that slide back are being slid closed today and the pool becomes a snowglobe for the next six or seven months. We can still use it but it's not half-outside any more. They are also servicing the outside gas oven and the sauna and the hot tub and everything will be spickity-span for winter. We want it all done so we don't have to do it later, drought be damned. 

The rain is out there. I know it. Climate change doesn't happen this fast. We just had a period of strange record-breaking weather and then it will return to the previous way it was. Wet and dim and mossy and gorgeous. 

We also are moving slowly. Recovering from the headache and stomach-ails of eating questionable Thai food last night. I made Pad Kra Pao from scratch and I probably shouldn't have. Haha. It tasted almost as good as the real thing but also nothing like the real thing. At least I tried.

Whoops.

I grabbed a bunch of the non-civic-minded boys from here and walked up the hill this morning in the endless dry heat to vote at the local school in our advance polls and sure enough, advance voting ended last night at 8pm. 

Now we have to do it all again tomorrow. 

Remind me next election to go vote on the first day early voting is up. What a pain in the arse.

Also it is supposed to be 25 degrees this weekend. No rain, records being broken all over the place. I hate this weather. I am always sweaty. Also if you throw your cigarettes out the car window fuck you. There's a fire up the hill from me. Everything is tinder-dry. Sirens all damn day.

Fighting.

They found Jaqui McDermott's remains and we are left to speculate on whether she gave up and ended her own life or fell off a cliff or got eaten by a bear or what, since there was no 'criminality' involved. They used to say 'foul play' but maybe that's out of fashion now, or someone got offended by the use of the word 'play' to describe monstrous things. Either way I know her family is hurting and life sucks so badly sometimes but then you see a beautiful sunset or hear a great new song and three minutes go by and you forget you're hurting but then you remember again. Eventually three minutes becomes three hours becomes three days becomes three weeks becomes three months..

And that's where it stops, I think. I don't go three months without thinking of Jacob or Cole, even as I launch into this season of misery, grifting happiness from anyone who doesn't have their nailed down. Less than four weeks and we would have been planning a birthday party. Less than four weeks and we would have been marvelling at seventeen years together and wondering where the time went. 

The time is quicksand and I am up to my neck, as ever. You can still save yourself if you're only in it up to your chest, because you can use your arms. I am shorter and my arms are as mired as my legs. I am a statue made of grief, the hardest substance known to man, but also the most brittle. If the wind blows the wrong way I will shatter and dissolve into this mud, never to be seen again. 

That's what grief does and I hope it never finds you. 

I'm really having a hard time being online. I'm having a hard time with everything. I am so drugged out of my mind here it's hard to decide on a juice when I open the fridge and so I just default to grapefruit, every single day. Every day is a mindless float on an air mattress in a pool of my own nightmares and I don't know when it's time to go. 

That's all. I don't know how to respectfully decline. I don't know how to convince the ghosts to leave, that the dinner party is over and I want to go to bed. I don't know how to stop it. I just don't know.

Blademommer.

It's definitely a full moon around here. 

Everyone drives like a maniac on the highways. Everything just feels sinister and off today somehow.

I got sucked down a rabbit hole reading about all the missing people in the BC triangle, especially in light of the missing woman in Merritt. She's Ruth's age. I'm watching for any news like a hawk. I want everyone under forty to just swallow an air tag and be done with it. We need to know where you all are. At least with Ruth and with Henry they check in when they arrive where they were going and they let me know when they're leaving and Ruth lets me know she made it home as well, since I don't actually see her arrive home. Maybe it's helicoptery but I'd rather see them safe than missing. I don't think my heart could take it. My heart goes out to Jaqui McDermott's family, I hope she is found safe and sound, and soon. 

Back to reading about scary things. It's easy to do when I am locked in my house with an army. I consider myself incredibly lucky for that, as I know so many people don't have a place that is safe.

If you haven't read about Jaqui, go and find the news articles, find the social media posts and share share share, especially if you are here in BC. If you are not, then just pray for her. Thank you.

Amuse-bouche (and intact).

The Devil decided to take his due while I was down for the count. I felt awful all week and so Caleb took it upon himself to fix that, and I was installed in his bed, air conditioning on full blast, blankets piled high. I had drugged sleep for most of my week, waking to eat Thai food and drink mimosas (which don't go together, unless you're sick, frankly) and text with Lochlan. Caleb sent for the doctor who brought vitamin shots and an iv of fluids for a couple of hours, and then I slept some more. In the evenings we watched every Texas Chainsaw Massacre film we could conjure from streaming sites and then I dreamt sporadically. No nightmares. Just Lochlan in my head.

When I was returned yesterday, still not feeling super-great but not willing to spend any more time away, Lochlan was happy to see me, though you'd never know it, as he was silent right up until I pointed out that I had had my fill of Leatherface and he started laughing and did not stop for an inappropriate amount of time. I thought it was relief at first.

I figured that would happen eventually. I like the new nickname. 

And then I realized I hadn't told him what movies we watched.

Spiked.

My sushi came in contact with shellfish tonight so I ate and then lost all the feeling in my face and it turned bright red and swelled up a little. I went and washed it and washed my hands and brushed my teeth and held a hot hot washcloth over it for a few minutes until it started to feel less fiery. Then I laid out the box of Benadryl and pointed out my allergy to the boys just in case it got worse. Luckily it was short-lived so probably crab. I'm allergic to crab. 

I still eat it but only once in a blue moon. 

I also had a ripping good gin and tonic after a pretty nice day today. I went shopping. I did some errands. I trimmed some bowls. I got my covid shot, which hopefully is no relation to the crab thing. But you never know. My arm hurts a lot. 

I watched Dahmer. It was bad. So bad. Evan Peters is great, I love him but this was just bad. Maybe I'm icked out by serial killers from my own more recent lifetime and happier to stick with the shadowy ones from the seventies. Which is fine, as the best part of the show was watching 'Jeff' mopping in the prison floor while watching live television footage of John Wayne Gacy's execution by lethal injection. The irony of that was a bit jarring. The show itself was dull. Kind of like a badly-executed The Joker without the in-your-face insanity and undercurrent of evil. Jeff seemed like a misunderstood kid. It was bad. 

Hoping for better tonight. All the shows lately have been such turkeys.

(Shallow graves and deepest fears Someone tell me why I'm here).

 Dear lord. I don't think I'll make it through this album. This is the new Slipknot (The End, So Far). It's somewhat like a warm bath.They always have been. Familiar but more. Always love them. Love their masks, love the whole angry scary vibe that is pretty mellow IRL. Like all my boys. An easy choice. But their slow songs eviscerate me and maybe they always will. They seem to find a heart string and pluck it so hard it breaks and you're left out of tune.

Adderall is the hardest one here. Fight me. Softest actual melody but most difficult to listen to, I mean. 

Today I again am noticing huge blocks of time slipping by. I need to be better with time management here, as it keeps coming up on days after I write instead of hours and I keep promising to change but I am doing my best. I am still waiting for the terror to stop, still amused that I can drive myself into the ground physically here and have no concept of repair. I still hope for miracles that have been long cancelled and I vow to make the most of this even as I am paralyzed by it. 

My nails are too long. I can hardly type. I keep nicking the bowls I am waiting to trim. But I don't care, either. We managed to get our Covid vaccine appointments in a big block at an unfamiliar pharmacy for this Saturday so I expect everyone will spend Sunday sleeping, as always. I am trying to pregame the chores, thus and am defrosting the stupid freezer so we can fix it tonight. Got the part, just have to stick it on. Fun. 

Then mowing and landscaping. My arms are killing me so I'm sure I'll be left out of the fun but I have things I want to do towards winter and the boys don't prepare as much. 

I'm also going to drop everything and watch Dahmer this afternoon. I think Dalton is going to join me. Andrew said he might too. Friday afternoon cinema. I got an email about advance tickets for Halloween Ends and I'm on the fence. Evil dies tonight was a lie, I guess. Mike Myers never dies and I will be enraged if he walks away at the end but also enraged if they finally kill him. So no one wants to take me to the show. I will make Lochlan do it. He was there at the start. We have to see this thing through.

The antithesis of Diabhal (career version).

It's the season of sweaters in the morning and barely anything in the afternoon since it's gotten to twenty-five degrees just about every day. Three months without more than a day of meaningful rain. Three months of unbearable heat. A long stretch of being miserable in my own skin and I am tired. Today I walked around in a long fuzzy pink duster cardigan and combat boots. More than one comment asked me if I was wearing anything underneath and I gave wrong answers only, just for funsies. 

My head hurts. 

I worked yesterday (in proper clothes). All paperwork and filing and then a last minute run to get coffee and sweetener for the break room which is really a small side table outfitted with warm bottles of water, a big ancient Keurig and two cups filled with powdered creamer and powdered aspartame. 

This lawyer has no airs. Zip. Zero. No people skills either. Usually the lawyers are smooth and charming and try to invite me out for drinks or at least buy me dinner but this one asked if I had a Per Diem in my contract and then pushed his glasses up his face and frowned at his computer again. I offered to get him a coffee and he laughed and told me to close the door on the way out. He was not supposed to be there but at the same time it was easier to have direction from the horse's mouth, so I knew exactly what had to be done and it seems to be some of everything. 

But there were fumes in the building and the printing was small on all the pages and I had breakfast but no lunch and therefore, headache. 

And there was an extra twenty dollar on my pay for that lunch, just to be sure. 

I might go back next week. We shall see!

Last minute/ice crystals.

I got cold feet last night, weirded out by all the early storm reports from my beloved East Coast and almost at the same time a gradual frost hardened Lochlan's heart, insulating him from whatever generosity he felt briefly flitting past us, a spectre of a time when we tried to find a warm place on a cold point. 

Tell him it's off. A quiet command from the dark of the front porch. It gets dark before I can bring my tea out now, later than ever due to a last moment freezer-defrost which caught me by surprise. The fridge is technically broken but parts have been ordered and honestly we don't need either a water dispenser nor do we need an ice maker and if this doesn't get fix on the first go I'm never buying a huge expensive fridge again as the ones that are white and have a tiny freezer up top never ever break and this is the second time we've had to fix this one. At least the boys are handy. At least the parts are plentiful. But talk about badly made. Holy shit. 

So at ten pm after many delays I cancelled on Caleb who said it was my call, and that he understood, no pressure and another time. I'll see him at brunch tomorrow. He'll miss me but one drink has sent him and he's going to sleep anyway. That he loves me. 

I replied with a heart and breathed a sigh of relief. My bread stayed frozen. The big freezers outside took the bulk of what I had on hand and I am so tired suddenly. I just want my tea and a deep breath. We sat on the swinging double chair and I had both. 

I already did. 

An inaudible, barely noticeable breath held and then Lochlan nods in my peripheral vision. 

Smart, Peanut. I don't think I'm ready to be without you again. 

Then don't be. I rest my head against his shoulder and close my eyes and I woke up this morning to the sun. 

Blood of my bl- Enemies? Yes, that's it.

I had a long weekend planned with Caleb. Well, Friday afternoon to Sunday morning. We were going to marathon horror movies and eat take-out Chinese food and not leave his wing, enjoying the rare rain and a bit of a break before the fall routine sets in. Today is the first day of fall and there is lots to do on the horizon. 

And then my period started. That stupid thing I haven't had to deal with in over four months returned triumphantly like a toxic aunt from an overseas sojourn. I was stunned, frankly. I thought it was done forever. And now I'm back to square one and enjoying an endless hot flash. I've sweat through three outfits already and my whole week is off the rails now. 

Let's reschedule. I found Caleb on the porch. I put my hands over his forehead and leaned way over his shoulder and he pulled me right off my feet and into his lap. I might have kicked him good in one ear in the process but if I did he didn't notice. 

Why, Neamhchiontach? Loch having second thoughts?

I tell him what's happened and he looks concerned. 

Been a while. 

Yes. 

Interesting how it comes back the minute we are together again. 

Oh, you're right. Weird. 

No, evil, remember? He smiles. Amused but not deterred. 

So maybe next weekend instead? Since this throws a huge wrench into our plans?

Who said that? It's fine. We're still on. 

Then the wicked smile plays across his face and the reasons why I run from him flickered across my memories, reflected in his medium blues. 

It might even make things more fun.

The horror queen is coming back. Even PJ bailed on me for this one.

Ooh. The boys were watching Cyberpunk tonight and last night and I didn't have much interest in it so I stayed upstairs by the fire and rewatched Children of the Corn. Yes, the original. From 1984 (it's on Youtube even!) which was the summer I was thirteen and I ran around all of the rest of that year calling Lochlan Malachai whenever he got mad because of the red-hair similarity. 

Wow. That movie did not pass the test of time. The most glaring hardship being Linda Hamilton playing a damsel in distress (badly, too). And Peter Horton's Nike colour change halfway through. And Isaac being the roadmap for the kid who would later play Joffre in Game of Thrones. Creepily similar.

I had forgotten all about the ridiculous fire-monster-god-thing that bubbled up when the whole mess was solved, not with a Molotov cocktail, but with a Molotov cocktail thrown in the right direction. 

Disappointed? Maybe a little bit. 

Damn.

Oh my god. My brain is a blunt object these days.

Since we're on Pacific time I missed the funeral. I don't sleep so purposefully waking up at all hours when there will be days of minute recap to come would be foolhardy. 

Also, I don't really like funerals but I see that the queen had a good send off and that's the important part, I guess. I wish they'd let Harry wear his uniform. He still served, whether he's a working royal or not. So dumb. I also think if he had married Chelsea instead he would still be a working royal. 

Just dumb commonwealth thoughts, I suppose. 

I mopped today. I got the boys out of my hair, sending them out to pull down vines and cut down spent plants for the year and work on finishing the back and I did the carpets, then swept the floors and then mopped and did a deep clean. I contemplated adopting a cat or two. I am shooting for maybe after Christmas with that. Maybe not but it's good to have a loose plan, as I have said many times before. Something to look forward to? A reward? A new companion to love on? The dog has never had so much attention in his life, and today I even rubbed coconut oil on his little toe beans so they will be conditioned and nice going into the cold weather. It feels like fall but this week is supposed to be hot still. I did a lot toward shifting the house to the fall and winter season. We winterize and cover things, we take in fragile glass lanterns and string lights that won't survive the rainy season as much as the box says they should, we swap fans for thick blankets flung on the backs of chairs or couches and we start taking inventory on firewood. 

We get a new furnace filter. 

We will soon bring in the hoses and turn off the valves to outside and we will wear sweaters and pants. I feel like I spent the whole summer in one outfit. I feel like I couldn't go outside much because it was so hot and now soon it will be wet and cold. I have to enjoy this time in the middle before it's too late. 

I will try.

Employee #1.

I got a joooooobbbb. 

Again! 

Ha.

No coffee shop bullshit this time. Just pure one day a week executive management and organization. So I will clean/stock/file and organize. This person is a friend of Batman's, it's safe and they want someone they can trust, the pay is really good, I can bring my own playlist and it's time alone to sing, scrub, think and neaten a three-room office and then I can clock out when I am done. There are plants to look after and supplies to pick up. There are fun perks. There is just enough to make me feel useful without much pressure or a huge time commitment. I love it. I hope I love it, I mean but even if I last one single winter it will be nice. 

Lochlan is on the fence. He worries when I leave the house. He tells me I can bail on it any time I want. He is thinking it's unnecessary but he's wrong and I need the confidence and the satisfaction of a job well done. I need to be out of the house so I can appreciate it. I need to show even him that this is a cool thing.

I don't know when I start. Maybe this week, maybe next but I will still be around. 

Wish me luck. The 'friend' of Batman's is a known as a tough customer but they called me a 'doll' (sounds familiar) and I think that's a good sign. Or maybe a red flag. Naw, he won't be there when I am. The office is closed early in the week.

Fall. Thinking big thoughts today. Future thoughts and bad thoughts and every thought in between.

I cleaned out the trucks today. I have three sets of jumper cables and a jump starter in my Jeep alone. Ha. Also two snow brushes and a shovel. And a book about how to use my tow straps that's written in Dutch. 

Useful things. 

I replaced the batteries in the four flashlights though and added a lighter since there are already waterproof matches in there. Curious about the zip ties in the commercial break down kit. Are those in case I want to kidnap someone? Make a citizen's arrest? Then what is the duct tape for? 

Also cute little orange cone the size of an ice cream cone. That will be visible in the event of an emergency I'm sure. I am nothing if not organized to a fault. The minute they mention 'snow' coming to the mountains I prep the trucks and swap out my Birkenstock Arizonas for my Bostons and start gathering up and dumping outdoor plants. 

Phantom of the Opera is closing on Broadway in February. I won't get to see it. Dahmer is coming to Netflix and I don't want to see it. Jar of Hearts is trying to wedge itself back into my brain and I'm contemplating going off my medications since it's been six and a half months and I've been in zombieland for all of two entire seasons plus and I don't like how this feels. 

But. BUT. 

I'm curious if I would live through it. I almost imploded before Spring and I don't want to do that again. 

I want to throw some mugs but I got bitten (not by Caleb! Surprise! Fun cat in the neighbourhood and since I lost both my cats this year so far to old age I was trying to make friends but he wasn't interested!) I want to sleep but when I go to bed I am wide awake. I want to spend my time more efficiently but it's tough when everyone still needs a piece of me and oh, lord help me. I am planning for Christmas. Not like things aren't out in the stores. So don't blame it on me.

Learning about oxygen saturation.

Having my gasping while waking up investigated. Ha. I sleep four hours a night, who has time to run diagnostics? It's too bad we can't just use a code reader like on vehicles. Plug it in and say, ah yes. There's the problem. 

I have a reader but it's going to test the amount of oxygen in my blood and how many times an hour it drops. This should be fun. 

In other news, I managed to get my boyfriend back along with my email. But this time I got to level the caveats. Caleb pressed his dark hair down against my light hair and let out a long sigh while I detailed all the horrible things I would let the boys do to him if he hurts me again. It's incredible how emotionally delicate he is with me and how physically careless, almost like night and day. 

And so far I have always politely and firmly demanded, hysterically pleaded and thunderously begged the boys not to hurt him in return. 

This time I will turn lights on them, even encourage them should he cross that line. 

He's not going to. 

I believe him when he tells me this. His hands shook. He could not meet my eyes. He didn't like being cut off, didn't like being left out, wouldn't stand for the lack of comfort he could get so easily before. 

I made him watch all my shows with me. 

(That was I think the only part Lochlan liked. He no longer had to watch episodes of Wanteez. Which is hilarious.) 

I made him promise me the moon and stars and then demanded he not even look at them, that they were mine. I put him on trial. I gave him an apprenticeship. I treated him ridiculously terribly. I acted like a brat. I levelled all of his crimes at him when he protested. I made him repeat them back and reminded him that he will forever be grateful that I allow him to be in my life at all. 

I think he's beginning to see the light. 

But yeah, I took him back because clearly I'm weak and his charm is my kryptonite and we all know that was going to happen but apparently it took longer than people thought it would. There is only one week left of summer. He missed the whole thing. 

(Which is fine, I did too.)

Exercise, fresh air and good nutrition. It's almost like having TB.

Point Perdition has become somewhat of a sanitorium as of late as we struggle to keep up. The house is in good shape, inside chores are done since we can all pitch in while the outside suffers. I went out to the front porch to clear away tea mugs left overnight and an envelope that was on the grass and decided to remove the pretty wire trellises from the flowers since the flowers have been cut back. I brought the trellises around to the garage where I have a stack of them that will remain for winter and then went back up the steps and up to the porch to get everything else and go back inside. Then I had to lie down for half an hour. I have no energy. None. 

Not for sex, not for yard work, not for the painting I want to get done before winter, not for smiling, not for adventurous cooking (or eating, for that matter. Last night I had a handful of chips for supper), not for putting on outside clothes. 

Just wah. 

We are supposed to go to the Roger Waters concert tomorrow night. That will be a haul. Not sure if we'll be able to. Really on the fence. Blessed to be able to not be sad if we stay home, since I've seen him before but honestly sick of missing out too. But recovery is most important, as is never catching this again. It sucks. It sucks so unbelievably much.

Queen of the vineyard.

I was recruited into slave labour again beginning Friday up until last evening late as we attempted to harvest and strip the grapes before the bears ate them all. Bears who up until now have had little interest in the grapes overall, more happy to leave them for the birds, raccoons and humans. Oh and the earwigs. But we worked hard to have a banner crop this year and no less than sixteen separate visits by bears threatened to undo the whole thing. 

The only thing that finally sent the bears far far away was Ben's bagpipes. Loud and proud and obnoxious in the vineyard. 

I say slave labour because the wasps were plentiful and after a good thirty minutes of fretting Lochlan decided I wasn't old enough to be outside and if I didn't get stung I would get mauled or sunburnt, something he muttered after I very loudly asked why the bear would pick me to chew on if they're all outside with me. 

But it was no use and I ended up sitting in the kitchen alone, stripping grapes from their stems until my finger joints felt bruised and soaked right through. We put everything in the freezer until we're ready to start the wine and it's done and the bears, fearing bagpipes, have not been back. At least it means this weekend I don't have to do it, but I still can't bend the first three fingers on my right hand and I am shellshocked and worn out from such an exciting weekend. 

We also started the new Lord of the Rings television show, like everyone else and it's good. I identify with the harfoots, and not at all with the elves. I can't stand the elves. They're so pretentious and horrid. 

I wish, like in the Witcher, that they would break into song. 

But yeah, that's where I was. Also got more meds. And some good stuff for the ever-present eczema rash around my nose and eyes this summer. Having a good time and summer's already over. The sunsets and moonrises have been spectacular however, so there's always a silver lining. 

And the bears are good luck. I have lost count already. 

The Elizabethan age is ended. God Save the King.

Glued to the monitor this morning as the news comes around the realms and the commonwealth that our Queen is dead. I am so sad. Her picture hung in my grandparent's living room when I was a child, and I have always been enchanted by the Royals, as are most Canadians, since she was our queen too. 

A sad day indeed. A spirited, fighting lady to the absolute end.

Back home they are the size of baseballs.

I tossed on my old Billabong sandals to go to Batman's last night. It's a long walk but a pretty one and frankly it's the time of year when my feet are black perpetually and everyone starts complaining. A good scrub helps nothing and so I wear shoes now while I wait for the dirt to fade. 

And the scars but wearing shoes honestly isn't going to help my heart look better. It's ruined and painted over, a pretty pink shade with a glossy finish. Good enough, they said, and pushed me back out into the world. 

I made it through the evening, dinner, the movie (did not stay awake but it seemed pretty good) and then the walk home with Lochlan, who came for the end of the film and to collect me. Couldn't feel the ground the whole way home and then woke up with my foot throbbing painfully at four in the morning. Which, oh well, because my glasses are on Lochlan's night table, my phone is on Ben's, the actual medical magnifying glass we have is downstairs in the kit and the whole house is paused on silent. 

I swallowed two Advil (I hope they were Advil) and went back to bed, looked at my foot in the morning and there was a bunch of little deep cuts in one spot where my heel begins. Fucking HURTS. I figured I dried them out on the sand, salt, water, lack of attention, whatever and then I threw on those flip flops again to go do some gardening and there's the pain again. I sat down and there was a sharp rock wedged in the sole of the shoe, poking right up into my foot. Black tusk after the mist clears. 

It took me a pair of pliers and a half hour to get it out, only to have Lochlan throw the shoes away. 

We'll get you decent shoes on the weekend. 

Hell, no. 

You're right. We should wait for it to get infected and then after they remove your whole leg we'll get you a scooter. 

Can I ride a unicycle with one leg? 

I highly doubt it. 

No way to test that, I suppose. 

Peanut! 

What?

Better sandals. Not foam. Not a dozen years old. Take a little care. 

Yes, Dad. 

So how did last night actually go?

You should have been at dinner. 

That good? 

I don't know, man, the food was great but the scallops were the size of like...peas! 

Huh. Must be a West coast thing. 

Yeah. Must be. 

Let me put something on that cut. 

It's fine. 

Peanut-

Okay, okay. 

If we can get this dirt off. Your soles are brown. 

Cut it with iodine. 

You are feral. I think sometimes they're right.

Fear is the mindkiller (YOU'RE NOT WRONG, FRANK).

Screeching in just in time for the sun to go down. I have a date with Batman in a few to watch Dune over dinner. He has promised Moscow mules and seafood fettuccine. My stomach has been growling for hours in anticipating of a late dinner but I am holding out because he said the magic words. 

You know. 

Scallops and vodka. 

I hope Dune is good. I hope there is popcorn for after dinner so I can stay awake. I'm not very good at science fiction. Lochlan has said he may join us if he finishes working on his latest motorcycle project but he might just meet me at bedtime at home. None of us are moving very fast at the moment but at the same time we are all anxious for routine, or whatever semblance of that we entertain here. 

I got my email back today too. They said at the end of the summer, right? Well that's here now and I blinked and missed most of it anyway. I'll get back on track. 

See you tomorrow, and I promise I won't review the movie since it's been out forever already.

Na na na na na na na na.

 I am still vaguely sick and operating at maybe seventy percent of myself so my time sitting up online has been non-existent and my apologies for that, but who really would complain if they get to lie in bed and drink Aperol spritzes and hot blueberry tea and snooze under the plantation fans with the Poppia song from KCON 2022 playing on repeat?

Not I, said the spider to the fly. 

Plus I have been conserving all of my energy. Today is the penultimate birthday dinner for Lochlan and Ruth (they opted to share their celebrations this year) and I am up and dressed and icing cakes and preparing the big garden table, hoping the rain holds off until after midnight tonight and it's nice. I have a lot of help and I sit down a lot and things are going well. Caleb still kisses way too rough, coffee tastes so bad now and someone gifted us at least a hundred scones and I have no freezer space left so that's all we've been eating for days and days now. 

It's great. 

I'll be back next week for dailies again. Life keeps changing. But the question is, did you miss me?

Stop touching perfect things.

For the record I am sick and cranky and boy do I HATE the Tiny Dancer remake Britney/Elton thing. Hate it. It's awful. Like so bad. So pandering. So on-brand bullshit club vibe stupid ass dumb song I want to rip my face off when ever anyone mentions it. Tiny Dancer was a perfect song. A beautiful song. A song I adored. This Hold Me Closer duet is an abomination. If you need to dredge up a fifty year old song to remake to be relevant maybe rethink your career. Seriously. Fuck this.

Also for the record, Covid is not 'a mild cold'. It's the worst flu I ever had with bronchitis sprinkled on top. It's so bad. I am on day fourteen? Twelve? I don't know. I hate it. On the upside we are all recovering safely at home so that's good.

Eleventh hour announcement: No one is going to Burning Man.

It was an outside hope for me, a chance at a do-over, a logistical nightmare on the best day and an almost certainty for the crazy boy contingent here, led by the least crazy person I know (August) but somehow a pattern that has worked for a very long time. I think I've worked through my intense jealousy, now that I've been an almost died at it and I still wanted to go quite badly for whatever reason if maybe only to have a better time or not leave under medical duress, I guess. 

Instead I can be here under medical duress. 

We all have Covid. All of us. Every last one of us.

Ha.

Part 2.

I finished Keep Breathing. It was really good! It actually ended fairly strong and got very deep all in all, though honestly, well, gawd. The lead actor, Melissa Barrera was incredible skilled at her craft and never once put in a cringe-worthy moment, though as I said I questioned the writing a few times. The bear doesn't come back for the dead guy covered in blood, but the potential suitor AKA office-romance guy gets brickwalled time and time again and just aw-shucks climbs up higher. 

Right. 

I guess the whole thing is a big allegory for people doing what they want to do. Dad wants to protect his daughter from a flighty, absent mom. Mom wants to stay connected though she must be her free-spirit self. Office boyfriend is just enthusiastic about all of it (right or wrong) and Liv (main character) is determined to somehow heal her complete roster of childhood traumas by figuring out how to make a compass and then getting lucky with some well-placed falls into water or soft woodsy spots.

The flashbacks I hated at first finally fit together well enough that I enjoyed both the survival aspect and the human interest, well-lit moments leading up to it. 

The only string they dropped was the bloodied meat bag showing up so many times to her psyche to warn her that someone would be looking for the money and then suddenly this...stopped being a concern? And also to everyone who said the location was the Cheakamus River, I beg to differ. I think some of it was at North Beach and Gold Creek. It would have been safer by a hundred times. And easier to film at.

But very well done. Worth the investment. 

I hear there is a season 2. I hope it's the baby, all grown up but somehow I doubt it. What in the heck would they even do for it? Ohhh! The family with newborn could go on the run away from the guys looking for the money and figure out how to outsmart them with psychology and calming habits. It'll be great. I will watch. 

Also as always the most useful thing you can carry with you for survival/EDC is a scarf. Never fucking fails! Tourniquet, gear-wrapper, flag, blanket, towel, washcloth, rope, pillow, sun protection, bandage, yada yada. I've been saying this for decades. 

PJ, come fight me.

Ah, Netflix. I thought I was going to be watching a survival series. But nope, it's about MOTHERHOOD. As always.

I am watching Keep Breathing on Netflix. It's a limited series that has been out for a hot minute so I'm not too worried about leaving spoilers for you. However I am two episodes in and I'm extremely concerned that the director (writer?) literally has a woman able to scare a bear away from a body that's been hemorrhaging blood for like two days, and the bear comes along, eats the power bars she rescued, takes a fat shit on the beach and lumbers away without the giant bleeding man that would have been such a tasty snack? 

Righhhhhhht. 

I will report back when I finish the series. There is so much wrong with it but it's also weirdly good.

Macca and Naz are currently tied.

Last night I took Ben to see Nazareth! We drove all the way out to the beginning of the Fraser Valley proper (same area I go for my blueberries and also there is a spooky Halloween farm out there every October or just a little further I guess) and found free parking and then got some cans of pop and hung back to see the band play. We caught the end of Honeymoon Suite which made me laugh. The juxtaposition of summer radio hits from Canada against the powerhouse of craziness that is Scottish hard rock was very strange. 

Also I went in with a broken heart because I knew up front they would not be playing Crazy (A Suitable case for Treatment) which is my all-time favourite song by them, from the Heavy Metal Soundtrack for the movie that came out when I was nine and I hated the movie but the soundtrack might be my single desert-island album. 

They played everything else, though and they rocked everyone's faces off. It was a beautiful warm night and I was sweating. Ben was nice and cool and really minded the lights from the stage as they whipped around in our eyes so we were so far in the peripherals by the time the show was over I think we were the first ones to leave the field. 

But he talked about it the whole way home. So excited. Had such a chill time. He didn't need to sit, we leaned against one of the barricades for a tent and I noticed he moved his fingers when the leads took place, picking out the notes on an invisible full-moon air guitar and I smiled at nothing in the dark. 

That was our date night and by the time I drove us home (HA. That isn't fun anymore. I have a crazy sideways astigmatism that gets worse every damn year now and night driving sucks so bad. It's like driving straight into a KiraiKira filter.) we were both exhausted and very sweaty and had a cold shower and then passed out cold, only for me to wake up like a rocket at eight because it's Monday and I am supposed to be doing things. 

Ha. 

Best show. Might have topped Paul McCartney if just for charm and smiles and effort.

The home videos are all of us when we were so much younger than we are now.

Sitting with Dalton today while he gets some work done on his (tattoo) suit. It's ice-cold here so finally I can cool off as much as I would like, though I never feel cold-cold any more even sleeping with all the windows open and the fans on high and the AC on full blast until the white noise drowns me out and I am but a memory. 

My Teflon Jesus is a rock. He doesn't say much while he's getting tattooed. He goes to a place inside his head but he likes to have company in the form of a hand to hold tightly and someone to be his advocate and remind him to eat and drink and breathe. I go and get smoothies for the whole group and come back with two trays stacked and a bag that contains bananas, baby carrots and a package of store-bought croissants and he inhales everything gratefully. And then I resume holding his hand and saying Hey TJ, breathe normally as I notice he holds it in his lungs deeply. Sometimes he is good to watch home videos on my phone with me but mostly his eyes are closed. Four more sessions of four or five hours each and he's done. Maybe three if he can manage. 

So I wasn't in church today and that's fine. I think.

On the upside I am a beast if you piss me off. No more tears, just instant rage. Must be fun to not be me right now.

It's a little bit cooler today. Rain mixed with sunny periods and a little bit of cloudiness and it's only seventeen degrees still which makes me exceedingly happy. 

This is perfect weather. I am definitely an East Coast girl. Everyone talks about the rain here but honestly it makes me feel safe and cozy. As long as I don't have to drive at night in it I am good. 

We are supposed to be at a music festival this week but we are not. It's outside. Might go for a bit tonight. Didn't really think it through when the tickets came out and shouldn't have gotten them but FOMO was big back then and we jumped to do something, anything, like pre-Covid times. 

Things are so different now. 

My mind races ahead and then turns and lags, distracted by nothing of consequence. Ben says that the chemical lobotomy must mimic his brain injury as he can't settle, can't focus but then ends up down a rabbit hole of nothing in particular. Worst of all is the endless apathy. I used to care so deeply about everything and now I feel like I care about so little. I fret and wrung and reeled and ached in my fearfulness and now I'm courageous in every instance without blinking. It's so strange. It's such a small amount too, as the doctors say most people are on five times this amount. But at the same time it's way too much and there has to be a switch I can turn to dial up the peace when I need it and be present when I want to be. 

You don't want those kinds of drugs, trust me. This is frustrating but better. Ben is watchful, adamant. 

I know. My reply noncommittal. It's just-

You don't.

Friday benign information of no regard.

Today I closed my Air Miles and my Sephora accounts. Neither does me any favours and the end of a twenty-year era is upon us. The one thing I am not is a digital pack rat and so I always delete/close/clean up all traces as I go. 

Also I scrambled my MEC information online since the membership will never go away without a lot of hoops. 

Air Miles doesn't have any affiliated shops that I use and I won't shop online through their portal so nevermind and Sephora has been on a downhill train forever. It was so fun while it lasted but after a while I realized I like drugstore products better and the costs were astronomical plus half was Ruth buying Kat Von D crazy lipstick colours back in the day so that ship has long sailed into the sunset and I just don't go there anymore. 

Three new spots in my wallet, I guess. I will spread out my vaccination cards or something. I'm not a rewards collector unless it's very good. Right now the only good one seems to be PC points. I actually shopped there last week for the big shop and got a lot for my seven-hundred-dollar haul. Their carts need to be larger tho. We had two and probably could have used a third. 

(If you hate this post, know that I do as well. We can both blame the Devil.)

 It's hot again so I am inside, a slave to air conditioning even though the roar of it makes me mental. Even the quietest ones are so loud. I have decided people who say No worries are psychopaths. I have decided ASMR toys from my childhood will heal all kinds of trauma. This morning I took a bath and went through at least eighty percent of the hot water in the house before I realized the silver knob wasn't seated in the drain correctly and then I fixed it and just had enough boiling water to lobster myself up to my neck before it turned to cold again. 

I have decided most people are full of shit and just trying to appear capable. I have decided sugar isn't actually so bad and that people who walk their dogs on people's outer lawns or boulevards are nosey and stupid. 

And I have decided that today I am cranky and therefore I am the problem.

News from 'the home'.

Placated today with chocolate and a running commentary about the brief and comical pseudo-feud on Twitter between the Eiffel Tower and the Empire State Building over my latest obsession, Ateez. It was funny to read and even funnier to hear Duncan chuckle as he read the whole thing out loud to me from his account while I ate a bagel with my own homemade raspberry jam from last year, since we didn't have any bread and also since I haven't been arsed to make any jam yet this year. There's no rush. I've been diligently freezing berries as they are picked and so we will be able to make it whenever we damn well please.

I was also exceedingly well-prepared and have jars lined up, lids and pectin. Usually pectin is hard to find by now but I bought it in June in anticipation of a good crop and a good crop we have had. It's hard to keep the boys from eating what they pick so trust me, this is a good amount. 

I don't think I'm moving to Sweden any time soon. Lochlan said ghosts don't have passports and drown in the ocean when the person they are haunting flies too far forever and that horrified me enough to drop the idea. Maybe years from now when my ghosts die of old age which will be interesting because they're already dead and sometimes they are young and sometimes even older than I remember but I think that will happen when I begin to forget about them and honestly I can't wait, though I have this vision of being a combative old lady who doesn't remember my boys except for brief flashes and now I'm breaking my own damn heart too. 

Even though I am almost the youngest here, as it were. 

I'm going to go up the road with a bowl in a little while to get blackberries. That can be a free for all bowl since I never make blackberry jam. It's too seedy and too rich. Not even sure I like jam all that much truth be told. I like cheese on my toast. Actually I like marshmallow fluff on my toast, but my diet is going to see me go down a deadly road of sins, Willy Wonka style. I eat too much sugar and I know it. I did stop buying cereal and so ditched the sugar bowl and the milk in the process. No one puts that stuff in their coffee and if someone reallllly wants cereral they can go next door to Daniel and Schuyler's and choose from about eight different kinds. 

Ruth was the cereal fiend in the house and she has lots of it in her new house. 

I'm good here with all the chocolate, coupled with apologies and a lot of promises. They hated doing the lobotomy and really love that there are still flashes of Bridget in here somewhere. Like reverse Alzheimers, I guess.

I am looking at properties in Sweden so I can be a hermit by the water and never talk to anyone again. It's easy enough to get, but if I hate it the capital gains taxes when you sell are very high, though they can be offset to some extent and can help mitigate that hit to the wallet. 

The boys are reluctant. 

Who said you're all going too? I yell in response.

Pom poms and gin.

 It's a perfect afternoon. Twenty degrees and clouds are rolling in with the rain set to start after supper. Lochlan just brought me a gin and tonic and last week he bought me a pink pen with a huge pink pompom on it. I am starting to think about making chicken sandwiches and salad for the actual meal and then I want to put on a scary movie to start and watch some each day until it's done. This is the calm between storms? Had to go out late last night and run errands. Have to get up scarily early tomorrow for an appointment so instead of helping to mow the lawn I'm just enjoying this small window of peace before dinner prep with Dalton and Duncan begins. 

I know we persist in doing family meals at least five nights a week because why not? We're all family and people eat better and are happier when they can sit around a table en masse and share the weights and burdens, maybe share a laugh too. It works. Or I'm drunk. Not sure how much gin is in this drink. I didn't even think we had any left, frankly so it's a nice surprise. 

Hope the rain starts soon. Hope I start remembering I'm supposed to post too. These pills are the lobotomy I wanted and now hate, but it's so much better than everything else so far. And that's a lot to admit.

Everyone's gay today.

Pride weekend is wrapping up here. Holy cow. So hot. So tired. A little heat exhaustion, a lot of glitter, mostly in parts I am surprised to still find any, and a lot of colourful moments that I will remember forever. Nice to be there, nice to be here, though here on the point every weekend is Pride weekend and the glitter is always plentiful. 

And food grade, as always, because we are not monsters. 

Well, we are but not in the way you would think.

I'm going to spend the next few days rehydrating, resting up and probably testing positive for Covid or Monkey Pox, I haven't decided which, and deal with the sunburn I got. I might fill the hottub with aloe gel and just stay there. 

It was so fun though. A lot different this year as we didn't go so hard, mostly because Ben is different now. He's not big on the heat and he gets overstimulated in crowds which is a far cry from how he used to be but we figured it out and mostly stayed on the fringe. Which in itself is ironic. 

I'm glad the heatwave ends tonight though. I'm melted to a puddle of fairy dust at this point and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Burning man might possibly be next. I need a do--over on that anyway.

A good scream.

Pure decadence today, my friends. Coffee and a early swim in the pool and then did a few light chores against the coming heat before making screamers. Screamers are slush puppies with ice cream on top and they're not bad, though I was happiest when the ice cream was gone and I just had slushie ice. Mine was vanilla ice cream with lemon lime slush. We made them in our snoopy sno-cone machine and then used the soft ice cream machine at Daniel and Schuyler's to finish them off. So good. Then we had a long nap in the camper. Me and Lochlan, with all the doors wide open but a stick of Indian Temple incense lit on the counter to ward off any sun-loving mosquitos. Now we have to figure out dinner but I think someone's going to Dairy Queen to get it so maybe I don't have to think too hard. 

Perfect.