We're just home from the hospital this morning. Let me choose my words carefully here. Lochlan knew I was relatively intact and safely locked in our wing and so he went right past Ben and over to the boathouse. Word has it Caleb came out to see him and took a tumble down the steps, ironically raising his arms to protect his head and scraping his face quite badly with his watch, which he then gave to Lochlan, because he no longer wants it, it is cursed or dangerous or something and so it will be pawned off cheaply. Loch said Caleb told him to sell it for a hundred bucks. I think we can do better than that but he won't see any of it.
I got off easy, my leg is just one big long scab this morning and it didn't even actually bleed ever. Caleb required fourteen stitches and the attention of a plastic surgeon. He also had a host of body contusions from his fall that were not in need of medical attention but they put him on an EKG and kept him for observation for a few hours after the fact. He will be resting for a few days and is never allowed to see me again because I shouldn't be around people so clumsy.
That won't hold but I appreciate the sentiment.
I don't appreciate Ben's banishment though. He's gone. Done. Lochlan said it's over. That whatever goddamned games Ben is playing with me have ended now. The absences. The drinking. The sharing. The psychological warfare. The oneupmanship. All of it. Finished. Take off the ring. You've now had three marriages end now, call it official, this is done, kiss him goodbye, he's over, no, stop crying, Jesus CHRIST, Bridget, kind of order that I don't even want to think about right now.
I could have said no before we left the house. It isn't all Ben's fault.
(They will tell you it is because of the damage, because I'm not responsible and that ruined people don't have to be accountable for anything. I don't think that's quite right.)
You'll change your mind later. You love him too.
I love him, Bridget, but I love you more and I can't do this anymore.
I made him go.
That doesn't matter.
It's me you can't trust.
I understand that.
You chose poorly, I think.
You let me worry about that.
It was a real bad fall, was it?
The worst. I felt so helpless.
Thursday, 23 June 2016
Wednesday, 22 June 2016
(Oh that? That's not the mark of the Devil. It's the mark of his ten thousand dollar watch.)
DON'T. Just.. I know.
(I think I've been branded.)
Neamhchiontach. You're here.
I don't know why. I'm not ready to forgive you or start this again. I'm still so angry with you and we haven't really dealt with any of -
He takes my arms and walks me backwards gently until I am pressed against the door. Ben doesn't say a word but he hasn't missed a move, watching from just inside the alcove. Caleb's fingertips slide around my head, behind my ears as he bends his head down for a kiss. Pinned like a specimen moth. I can't breathe. He slides his fingers flat underneath my jaw, lifting me up by my head, sliding me up the door until we see eye to eye and then he stops, leaving me pinned there, one hand still wrapped around my neck, cutting off my air before sliding the other down around my hip, underneath my thigh, his Breitling scraping deep against delicate skin. He steps in even closer and brings his other hand down under my other thigh and I can breathe again but not for long.
Another kiss and he asks how long we have. This is the routine. It's hardly changed in decades.
People in my family live forever, not so sure about yours, I tell him defiantly, sadly even as he removes one hand again, this time to pull my dress up further. I scream and the hand comes back up, not over my mouth but around my neck, squeezing just enough as his mouth presses against my ear.
Hush, baby. No screaming. No noise. You know how to do this. Ben won't let anything bad happen to you.
And he pushes my chin up away from his mouth, kissing along my throat as he drives against me. I can feel Ben's eyes crawling over us like darkness and it hurts. I can feel everything and it hurts. The betrayal. The permission. The violence of this. The same way it always is. I try to leave and he keeps me here, his hand still around my face, now centering it right in front of his, nose to nose while he almost (but not quite) loses his breath.
Stay with me, Doll.
I wrap my arms around his neck and he takes us to his bed. I am not tied down but instead left comfortably on my back on the mink blanket I love so much. His elbows frame my head as he kisses me softly.
Do you want Ben here?
He decides.
Caleb lifts his head and looks back toward Ben. I can't see him from here. I hear him say he's fine where he is. He never pushes me too hard. I get overwhelmed easily.
If you change your mind, you tell me, okay?
I nod and my eyes well up almost involuntarily. Caleb scares me more when he is understanding and generous, kind, almost. It would be easier if he had left me up against the door and choked me into submission. Then I would know exactly how to feel.
What's wrong, Bridget?
Ta tu fos ar an diabhal, ta me fos an neamhchiontach!
(Lochlan's been muttering it under his breath for weeks now: Ta se fos ar an diabhal, ta tu fos ar an neamhchiontach! He is still the devil, you are still an innocent! is the gist. I'm just repeating it back to Caleb. You are still the devil. I am still the innocent!)
You haven't done anything wrong, Baby. Ben is right there. Caleb sits up and they look at each other and I lose my mind.
I need to go. I want to go home now. Benny- I start to struggle and Caleb holds me down.
Soon.
Now!
Not yet.
I push against his hold but I know better. He loves the fight. Eventually I settle back on the fur and stare through the skylight at the trees. At the strawberry solstice moon. It can't save me either. Not from this. My only defense is to pretend I don't care.
Ben settles back in his chair in the dark (crisis perverted) and Caleb resumes our show. I'm not moving but I don't dare fall asleep or then there would really be hell to pay and I can barely afford the portion I get now.
On the way out Ben swears and asks Caleb if he's capable of ever sending me home without injury and Caleb asks what the fun would be in that, truthfully. That he does it to remind Lochlan who's boss.
On the way across the driveway Ben asks me if the cut from the watch hurt and I tell him with Caleb it's better to feel pain than fear. I don't wait to see the look on his face and head straight inside.
On the way upstairs Lochlan finds us (he's holding my phone) and asks me where the hell I've been for the past three hours. I direct him to Ben and keep walking.
I hear yelling as I close the door to our room so I lock it for good measure. I keep locking doors as I walk through rooms and down halls until I get to the bathroom and then I lock that door too. I strip out of my dress in front of the full length mirror and turn. His steel watch strap has cut a deep gouge across the outside of my thigh and underneath my leg. I think I need stitches. I don't know what I need.
(I think I've been branded.)
Neamhchiontach. You're here.
I don't know why. I'm not ready to forgive you or start this again. I'm still so angry with you and we haven't really dealt with any of -
He takes my arms and walks me backwards gently until I am pressed against the door. Ben doesn't say a word but he hasn't missed a move, watching from just inside the alcove. Caleb's fingertips slide around my head, behind my ears as he bends his head down for a kiss. Pinned like a specimen moth. I can't breathe. He slides his fingers flat underneath my jaw, lifting me up by my head, sliding me up the door until we see eye to eye and then he stops, leaving me pinned there, one hand still wrapped around my neck, cutting off my air before sliding the other down around my hip, underneath my thigh, his Breitling scraping deep against delicate skin. He steps in even closer and brings his other hand down under my other thigh and I can breathe again but not for long.
Another kiss and he asks how long we have. This is the routine. It's hardly changed in decades.
People in my family live forever, not so sure about yours, I tell him defiantly, sadly even as he removes one hand again, this time to pull my dress up further. I scream and the hand comes back up, not over my mouth but around my neck, squeezing just enough as his mouth presses against my ear.
Hush, baby. No screaming. No noise. You know how to do this. Ben won't let anything bad happen to you.
And he pushes my chin up away from his mouth, kissing along my throat as he drives against me. I can feel Ben's eyes crawling over us like darkness and it hurts. I can feel everything and it hurts. The betrayal. The permission. The violence of this. The same way it always is. I try to leave and he keeps me here, his hand still around my face, now centering it right in front of his, nose to nose while he almost (but not quite) loses his breath.
Stay with me, Doll.
I wrap my arms around his neck and he takes us to his bed. I am not tied down but instead left comfortably on my back on the mink blanket I love so much. His elbows frame my head as he kisses me softly.
Do you want Ben here?
He decides.
Caleb lifts his head and looks back toward Ben. I can't see him from here. I hear him say he's fine where he is. He never pushes me too hard. I get overwhelmed easily.
If you change your mind, you tell me, okay?
I nod and my eyes well up almost involuntarily. Caleb scares me more when he is understanding and generous, kind, almost. It would be easier if he had left me up against the door and choked me into submission. Then I would know exactly how to feel.
What's wrong, Bridget?
Ta tu fos ar an diabhal, ta me fos an neamhchiontach!
(Lochlan's been muttering it under his breath for weeks now: Ta se fos ar an diabhal, ta tu fos ar an neamhchiontach! He is still the devil, you are still an innocent! is the gist. I'm just repeating it back to Caleb. You are still the devil. I am still the innocent!)
You haven't done anything wrong, Baby. Ben is right there. Caleb sits up and they look at each other and I lose my mind.
I need to go. I want to go home now. Benny- I start to struggle and Caleb holds me down.
Soon.
Now!
Not yet.
I push against his hold but I know better. He loves the fight. Eventually I settle back on the fur and stare through the skylight at the trees. At the strawberry solstice moon. It can't save me either. Not from this. My only defense is to pretend I don't care.
Ben settles back in his chair in the dark (crisis perverted) and Caleb resumes our show. I'm not moving but I don't dare fall asleep or then there would really be hell to pay and I can barely afford the portion I get now.
On the way out Ben swears and asks Caleb if he's capable of ever sending me home without injury and Caleb asks what the fun would be in that, truthfully. That he does it to remind Lochlan who's boss.
On the way across the driveway Ben asks me if the cut from the watch hurt and I tell him with Caleb it's better to feel pain than fear. I don't wait to see the look on his face and head straight inside.
On the way upstairs Lochlan finds us (he's holding my phone) and asks me where the hell I've been for the past three hours. I direct him to Ben and keep walking.
I hear yelling as I close the door to our room so I lock it for good measure. I keep locking doors as I walk through rooms and down halls until I get to the bathroom and then I lock that door too. I strip out of my dress in front of the full length mirror and turn. His steel watch strap has cut a deep gouge across the outside of my thigh and underneath my leg. I think I need stitches. I don't know what I need.
Tuesday, 21 June 2016
Feels like a Wends-day.
Today was the last day of classes proper and now suddenly I have a child in grade twelve and one in grade ten. I don't know how that happened. They are still technically writing exams and a week and a half away from report cards and the official end of the school year though so I will save my momgobsmackishness for that day. Until then I will remain in denial because it's nicer here, isn't it? The good snacks are right where I left them, no one's taken all my money and I don't spend all my free time ferrying teenagers who don't even belong to me all over town.
Sigh.
I know, the next time I blink they'll be in their forties and jetting off somewhere exotic so for now I should enjoy the dirty jokes they can actually tell now at the dinner table without repercussion and the fact that they bring me an Internet digest each day with all the news I actually want and funniest bits so I can avoid the terrible parts. They suggest new sushi restaurants and movies we might like and teach me how to get places I can never remember how to go because I'm directionally useless and they have discretion the likes of which few people even understand, let alone possess. They are protective of the collective (We should have shirts made. I think I love that slogan) and I'm so proud of them that when I open my mouth and talk about them glitter and rainbows just fucking beam out everywhere.
But I don't do that on the Internet because PRIVACY.
***
Lochlan worked for a couple of hours this morning while PJ, Gage and I did heavy chores and then I met him at New Jake's borrowed bike for a freezing cold and rain-threatened drive up into the mountains and lunch at a found picnic table of expensive french food far too nice for an actual picnic table, though we both refused to admit we were frozen solid, leathers or not. We cut the trip short and came home and stripped down to swimsuits and then hit the sauna, something I rarely use because I am my own hot flash lately. Loch loves it because it keeps his bad arm from throbbing when it's about to rain, like on days similar to today. He cranked the heat right up and I lasted maybe seven or eight minutes before I felt like I couldn't breathe and had to leave, opting instead for the hot tub. I can do at least ten minutes in the hot tub but mostly I like to lie in the freezing cold air in one of the big double loungers beside the pool, wrapped in a damp towel like a forgotten wet burrito.
He was in the sauna for over an hour. I think that's like brain-damage duration levels. When he came out he looked at me wrapped up in my wet towel, feet sticking out the bottom and said we should have Mexican for dinner.
Definitely brain damage. Lochlan hates Mexican food, truth be told. But he was just happy that we were there together, just me and him for the afternoon, no one else to weigh in on what to do, where to go and what to eat. Compromise is hard enough with two, incredibly tough for three and virtually impossible with eight or more, usually seventeen on average.
We're not having Mexican for dinner tonight. I'm making grilled cheese sandwiches and chicken noodle soup.
Sigh.
I know, the next time I blink they'll be in their forties and jetting off somewhere exotic so for now I should enjoy the dirty jokes they can actually tell now at the dinner table without repercussion and the fact that they bring me an Internet digest each day with all the news I actually want and funniest bits so I can avoid the terrible parts. They suggest new sushi restaurants and movies we might like and teach me how to get places I can never remember how to go because I'm directionally useless and they have discretion the likes of which few people even understand, let alone possess. They are protective of the collective (We should have shirts made. I think I love that slogan) and I'm so proud of them that when I open my mouth and talk about them glitter and rainbows just fucking beam out everywhere.
But I don't do that on the Internet because PRIVACY.
***
Lochlan worked for a couple of hours this morning while PJ, Gage and I did heavy chores and then I met him at New Jake's borrowed bike for a freezing cold and rain-threatened drive up into the mountains and lunch at a found picnic table of expensive french food far too nice for an actual picnic table, though we both refused to admit we were frozen solid, leathers or not. We cut the trip short and came home and stripped down to swimsuits and then hit the sauna, something I rarely use because I am my own hot flash lately. Loch loves it because it keeps his bad arm from throbbing when it's about to rain, like on days similar to today. He cranked the heat right up and I lasted maybe seven or eight minutes before I felt like I couldn't breathe and had to leave, opting instead for the hot tub. I can do at least ten minutes in the hot tub but mostly I like to lie in the freezing cold air in one of the big double loungers beside the pool, wrapped in a damp towel like a forgotten wet burrito.
He was in the sauna for over an hour. I think that's like brain-damage duration levels. When he came out he looked at me wrapped up in my wet towel, feet sticking out the bottom and said we should have Mexican for dinner.
Definitely brain damage. Lochlan hates Mexican food, truth be told. But he was just happy that we were there together, just me and him for the afternoon, no one else to weigh in on what to do, where to go and what to eat. Compromise is hard enough with two, incredibly tough for three and virtually impossible with eight or more, usually seventeen on average.
We're not having Mexican for dinner tonight. I'm making grilled cheese sandwiches and chicken noodle soup.
Monday, 20 June 2016
NOYB
House is emptyLunch with the Devil, and he pulled my chair too close and he stared too hard and he spoke too harshly and he was a little too cutting with his thoughts today and I choked on my cold soup and hardly touched the salmon course. By the end I wouldn't look at him at all and he softened and ordered gelato from some invisible childs' menu and he asked if Lochlan had become this much of a pushover, finally, after all of our exploits.
Fade out slowly
Go out your own way
Go out and get what you need
For if you don’t stay
There’s nobody watching you bleed
Ghost is what you are now
Out there where no one can see you
Gone out in the dark
Somehow I could still feel you
(What a word.)
We've always been freaks, I tell my ice cream when it arrives. You haven't been paying attention.
***
A walk with Batman to inspect the grounds. He's kind of amazed at how green my thumbs are considering the simple facts that I can't walk and breathe at the same time and that the moment I cease all movement I fall asleep and that includes and is not limited to floating on my back in the pool and receiving oral sex (but not at the same time).
Bridget, I don't think you need to complicate your life any further with trying to change any perfectly good relationships.
I would say the same thing to you. And I continued to show him the cherries, grapes, corn, carrots, raspberries, strawberries, beans, tomatoes, peas and pumpkins that show such promise to come, all the while completely ignoring the very cautious and gentlemanly avarice that he was trying so hard not to reveal.
***
August is candid, transparent. He takes two chairs facing each other and then pins my knees in between his once I am seated. I call this the Trapped position. He calls it the Paying Attention position. Either way awful unorthodoxy always works.
What happens when you and Sam move to a more intimate level? What happens when his feelings get in the way of his ability to counsel you? What happens when he can't separate his personal from his professional opinion?
You tell me. I am grim but fierce. I think sometimes August forgets he's the original Judas to Jacob's Jesus.
That's different, Bridget-
Afraid Sam and I might be closer than you and I?
Not really. The dynamic of your relationship with Sam, sexual or otherwise is completely different than ours.
Right so can everybody stop worrying now? I'm glad everyone thinks I go from 0 to 60 just like that. I wouldn't hurt Sam! I don't need any more complications in my life and I'm not looking for trophies or redress so I don't think you should all be standing around holding your breath.
Lochlan practically rolled out the red carpet for you.
He's done that so many times, August. I don't usually write about it. I try to keep him pure. He's my golden boy, I never ever want people to think poorly of him. Maybe I goofed. Everyone thinks Ben is the permissive one but really they both are. Lochlan just worries more about my feelings. Or maybe it's that he worries about his own. I fall in love too easily. It's dumb. I would worry too.
Do you want to talk about it?
No.
If you change your mind I'm here.
Are you still here-here or have you changed YOUR mind?
Whatever you need me for, Bridget, I'm here.
***
Duncan was crass as always.
Don't ride the Preacher, Baby. Keep it sweet with him. Take it out on me.
This isn't open for discussion, Poet.
It's just a reminder that I'm here. Nothing complicated about it.
You're so complicated it's sick.
I don't see how?
Of course you don't. You aren't already married to two people.
Somehow I think they would prefer me over Sam.
Then go sleep with them! I slam the door on my way out. Objectification is much better as an idealization than full realization. I know nobody thinks that but trust me, it is.
Sunday, 19 June 2016
Infinity wars.
A lovely slow morning this morning. No one rushed to get up and get ready for church since Sam is off this week and possibly next. We're scattered around the kitchen and great room area reading papers, phones and talking. I am facedown in a cup of coffee that Duncan passed to me ten minutes ago and loving every sip.
Sam comes in and heads for the coffee pot. Everyone greets him warmly as we do when each person arrives to the kitchen each morning.
You get some rest? Gage asks him.
Not really, he says. I got so used to having Bridget there, I couldn't fall asleep without her.
I looked up sharply just in time to see the looks ping-pong around the room between the others.
Lochlan tells him, you'll get unused to it quick. It was only a couple days. He leaves the room.
Oh, yeah, I didn't mean..I mean, she saw me through the storm. She was great. But she isn't mine to keep. His eyes land on me and I smile briefly at him.
PJ swears. I think, Sam, that you should go find Loch and then come back for breakfast.
Yeah. Sam turns and goes and PJ glares at me before Dalton cuts him off at the pass. She doesn't do this. We do it to ourselves.
I know it, Brother.
I can hear you.
That's good. Then maybe you'll mind your actions a little better.
I was invited-
He doesn't know what he's doing!
Sure he does! We've- But I stop, because I know what I'm going to say. We've been close for years. I head outside to join Lochlan.
He and Sam are sitting on the dry step at the top of the patio under the roof, watching the salt in the grey sea dilute from the rain.
There she is.
Sam and I are having honesty hour.
Is it a sharing sort of honesty? Can I stay?
Matt has a new lover.
I figured as much.
And Lochlan isn't very happy with me.
Ah. I figured that too.
But he's willing to share.
I'll take the light over the dark any day.
Sam shakes his hand and gets up. I need to eat before I keel over. Thank you for you candor, Loch, and your generosity.
Loch nods and Sam goes inside.
Now you're giving me away.
Cole was right. You're a pain in the ass.
I was hoping you'd be more possessive.
Serves no purpose. Not like you'll change. Just don't fall in love with him. Because if you fall for him I won't forgive you.
What if I can't help it?
Then we'll be in trouble.
I'm already in trouble.
Or maybe you can just do what you do best. Soothe the worried boys, get whatever it is you think you can't get or won't get from me and then come the fuck home.
Sam comes in and heads for the coffee pot. Everyone greets him warmly as we do when each person arrives to the kitchen each morning.
You get some rest? Gage asks him.
Not really, he says. I got so used to having Bridget there, I couldn't fall asleep without her.
I looked up sharply just in time to see the looks ping-pong around the room between the others.
Lochlan tells him, you'll get unused to it quick. It was only a couple days. He leaves the room.
Oh, yeah, I didn't mean..I mean, she saw me through the storm. She was great. But she isn't mine to keep. His eyes land on me and I smile briefly at him.
PJ swears. I think, Sam, that you should go find Loch and then come back for breakfast.
Yeah. Sam turns and goes and PJ glares at me before Dalton cuts him off at the pass. She doesn't do this. We do it to ourselves.
I know it, Brother.
I can hear you.
That's good. Then maybe you'll mind your actions a little better.
I was invited-
He doesn't know what he's doing!
Sure he does! We've- But I stop, because I know what I'm going to say. We've been close for years. I head outside to join Lochlan.
He and Sam are sitting on the dry step at the top of the patio under the roof, watching the salt in the grey sea dilute from the rain.
There she is.
Sam and I are having honesty hour.
Is it a sharing sort of honesty? Can I stay?
Matt has a new lover.
I figured as much.
And Lochlan isn't very happy with me.
Ah. I figured that too.
But he's willing to share.
I'll take the light over the dark any day.
Sam shakes his hand and gets up. I need to eat before I keel over. Thank you for you candor, Loch, and your generosity.
Loch nods and Sam goes inside.
Now you're giving me away.
Cole was right. You're a pain in the ass.
I was hoping you'd be more possessive.
Serves no purpose. Not like you'll change. Just don't fall in love with him. Because if you fall for him I won't forgive you.
What if I can't help it?
Then we'll be in trouble.
I'm already in trouble.
Or maybe you can just do what you do best. Soothe the worried boys, get whatever it is you think you can't get or won't get from me and then come the fuck home.
Saturday, 18 June 2016
Musical men/beds/rooms/you know what I mean.
It's moving day and someone with a death wish woke me up at six this morning. On a Saturday. When it was only twelve degrees, foggy and rainy outside. Without tea being ready or anything so I shrugged into jeans and a hoodie and went all the way downstairs and woke up Dalton and Duncan but Duncan swore and didn't get up so I shrugged and crawled in with and twenty minutes later Lochlan is plucking me out of the warmth and comfort and asking me very sweetly if I can put on the teapot before he skins me alive. Duncan laughs and tells him I make a good hot water bottle and Lochlan agrees and asks him if he'll very kindly get a move on because we have a very busy day.
The very busy day took precisely sixty-six minutes with this many full-size men moving four rooms of furniture and we were done and three of them went to McDonalds and got breakfast for everyone and I've since had five invitations to 'go back to bed' because I'm still sleepy and they wouldn't let me do all that much except the stupid nitpicky things like plug in lamps and reset clocks and remake beds.
Dalton and Duncan kind of love their new space though. More room for them both and they're close anyway as brothers plus they have a separate entrance and a kitchen now so it will mean more independence and privacy though they both promise to still be upstairs most of the time. They both claim they'll be homesick otherwise.
And Sam finally had to show his face to the rest of the world. He hasn't had any more to drink since that night. He hasn't said why he drank that night and he hasn't expressed any interest in God, leaving the house or joining us at the table for any meals yet either. He did however, express profound gratefulness for the return to the main part of the house from the apartment, saying that it feels good to leave the memories behind (I think I know what he means now) and start over, and that he wondered if he should throw a little room-warming party.
Not with Bridget, Loch said, and pulled me in against him.
Sam chuckled but his face didn't share the sound at all.
I'm going to bake a cake and we'll have a house-rearranging party tonight. Part of being a collective is being flexible enough to shift things around as required, and this was definitely required. It brings Sam out of the past and closer to the people who can help him most, and it puts more space between the Poet and the Poem.
I hope they don't mind helping with the laundry as much as Sam did, because it's perpetual.
The very busy day took precisely sixty-six minutes with this many full-size men moving four rooms of furniture and we were done and three of them went to McDonalds and got breakfast for everyone and I've since had five invitations to 'go back to bed' because I'm still sleepy and they wouldn't let me do all that much except the stupid nitpicky things like plug in lamps and reset clocks and remake beds.
Dalton and Duncan kind of love their new space though. More room for them both and they're close anyway as brothers plus they have a separate entrance and a kitchen now so it will mean more independence and privacy though they both promise to still be upstairs most of the time. They both claim they'll be homesick otherwise.
And Sam finally had to show his face to the rest of the world. He hasn't had any more to drink since that night. He hasn't said why he drank that night and he hasn't expressed any interest in God, leaving the house or joining us at the table for any meals yet either. He did however, express profound gratefulness for the return to the main part of the house from the apartment, saying that it feels good to leave the memories behind (I think I know what he means now) and start over, and that he wondered if he should throw a little room-warming party.
Not with Bridget, Loch said, and pulled me in against him.
Sam chuckled but his face didn't share the sound at all.
I'm going to bake a cake and we'll have a house-rearranging party tonight. Part of being a collective is being flexible enough to shift things around as required, and this was definitely required. It brings Sam out of the past and closer to the people who can help him most, and it puts more space between the Poet and the Poem.
I hope they don't mind helping with the laundry as much as Sam did, because it's perpetual.
Friday, 17 June 2016
In lieu of my soul, I'll take theirs.
It's food poisoning and I'm an enabler.
Sam needed a little more time. Yesterday's annihilation notwithstanding, he's not ready to face the world. He's not even ready to face the house and so I've been running interference for him, being his guard dog/nursemaid/bent ear/best friend/imaginary lover and he's said we're going to need a few more grenades to forget these days too as he smiles a bit shyly and reveals a little more of his old self.
I called him in 'sick' to church for a week or two, if he needs a second. We'll see. He probably will, the way he is acting and talking and thinking.
He isn't being Sam. That scares me.
Late at night he asks me not to go. To stay and just talk to him. This weekend we're moving him up to the main level. Duncan and Dalton are going to take over the big apartment downstairs and Sam will take Dalton's room in the front wing on this level so that he's closer, not closed off.
He hasn't let go of me. He's been frighteningly close and closely frightening and I still don't know what set him off.
You did, he says as he smooths my hair back from my forehead as we lie in the dark staring at each other, itemizing faults, cataloguing errors, registering gratefulness that at least we're not as bad off as each other. He landed a perfect sweet goodnight kiss on my philtrum before leaving his whole face there, falling asleep breathing against my skin, hands shaking slightly, heart still pounding ever so slightly, memories still blown to kingdom come.
What does it mean? I had asked him over dinner. I still don't know. Eight year olds aren't very good at symbolism, or conjuncture, for that matter. They're even worse at reading between the lines. Easily distracted borderline grounded mermaids aren't much better.
You'll see. When the time comes.
What if I miss it?
You won't. It won't be a lightning bolt, Bridget, more like a slow tide. We'll all know it when we see it. Like a fog of realization coming over us at once and then everything will be okay. Get some sleep. Are you warm enough?
I can't, Sam. I need to go upstairs.
Maybe just for an hour? Stay until I'm asleep. Please, Bridget.
I throw my arms around him and settle in. He's so comfortable it's as if I have died here and when I open my eyes next it's daylight and I've missed breakfast and a chance to redeem myself at all but there's not a thing I can do about it now. His face. He looks so happy.
Loch does not look so happy.
Great. Just what I need. Another one.
Sam needed a little more time. Yesterday's annihilation notwithstanding, he's not ready to face the world. He's not even ready to face the house and so I've been running interference for him, being his guard dog/nursemaid/bent ear/best friend/imaginary lover and he's said we're going to need a few more grenades to forget these days too as he smiles a bit shyly and reveals a little more of his old self.
I called him in 'sick' to church for a week or two, if he needs a second. We'll see. He probably will, the way he is acting and talking and thinking.
He isn't being Sam. That scares me.
Late at night he asks me not to go. To stay and just talk to him. This weekend we're moving him up to the main level. Duncan and Dalton are going to take over the big apartment downstairs and Sam will take Dalton's room in the front wing on this level so that he's closer, not closed off.
He hasn't let go of me. He's been frighteningly close and closely frightening and I still don't know what set him off.
You did, he says as he smooths my hair back from my forehead as we lie in the dark staring at each other, itemizing faults, cataloguing errors, registering gratefulness that at least we're not as bad off as each other. He landed a perfect sweet goodnight kiss on my philtrum before leaving his whole face there, falling asleep breathing against my skin, hands shaking slightly, heart still pounding ever so slightly, memories still blown to kingdom come.
What does it mean? I had asked him over dinner. I still don't know. Eight year olds aren't very good at symbolism, or conjuncture, for that matter. They're even worse at reading between the lines. Easily distracted borderline grounded mermaids aren't much better.
You'll see. When the time comes.
What if I miss it?
You won't. It won't be a lightning bolt, Bridget, more like a slow tide. We'll all know it when we see it. Like a fog of realization coming over us at once and then everything will be okay. Get some sleep. Are you warm enough?
I can't, Sam. I need to go upstairs.
Maybe just for an hour? Stay until I'm asleep. Please, Bridget.
I throw my arms around him and settle in. He's so comfortable it's as if I have died here and when I open my eyes next it's daylight and I've missed breakfast and a chance to redeem myself at all but there's not a thing I can do about it now. His face. He looks so happy.
Loch does not look so happy.
Great. Just what I need. Another one.
Thursday, 16 June 2016
(The one thing I've never pointed out is when it comes to the memory thief, I am eight.)
By the time I heard the sound it was too late and it was raining broken glass all around me, black cinders fluttering among the shards almost in slow motion and I looked up to see former windows, now framed in flames. I am transfixed by fire, always, but in this moment Lochlan is nowhere to be found.
The memory thief runs toward me, his face blackened, tie shredded, it's awkward knot loosened and askew. His formerly white shirt is almost grey now with soot and he throws his arms around me as he runs past, pulling me up off my feet, against his chest tightly. I put my arms around his neck and watch the fire get smaller as we get further away from it. Everything around us gets darker but he keeps running as hard as he can. I can feel his heart pounding through his chest, his breath coming in ragged gasps and he squeezes me so hard against him that it hurts.
When the fire is a memory of its own he begins to slow and then finally he stops and collapses to the pavement, spilling us both to the road, holding my head in his hand against his shoulder to keep from cracking it open against the ground.
What did you do? I scramble away from him and to my feet, fists tightly curled and walk back twenty feet to watch the flames as they eat everything they touch, including everything I held so dear that I depended on him to protect and keep until a time came when I could relive everything again without it hurting so much.
We're going to reinvent ourselves, Bridget. We're going to start over. No more dusty file cabinets and locked drawers. No more thieves and interlopers. No more substitutions. No more waiting. I burned it all down.
He sits up, elbows on his knees, pulling off his tie and tossing it to one side. He starts to laugh. I should have done this years ago.
You didn't ask me, Sam!
You would have said no.
All of that belonged to me. That whole block.
That whole city, you mean. Just wait. The whole thing is wired to go up but I've got it on a time delay. For safety.
I didn't ask you to do this.
It was too dangerous to leave it any longer. Someone was going to get hurt.
Who was going to get hurt?
You. Or maybe me. Maybe all of us.
So you destroyed it?
Yes.
And then you got drunk.
Yes.
Why?
This is a huge step but we need to make it now and we need to do it together.
What do you mean?
Just as I ask the question a deafening rumble begins and the ground starts to shake and then an explosion levels my world.
When I next open my eyes I'm lying on the ground on my back. It's daylight and everything is covered with a thick layer of ashes. I can't breathe or hear anything except for an incessant ringing and there's nothing for miles in any direction. I sit up and Sam is grinning from ear to ear beside me.
It's too late now, isn't it? I ask him.
WHAT? He yells. I CAN'T HEAR YOU. I THINK I MADE THE RIGHT DECISION THOUGH. I THINK THINGS ARE GOING TO BE A LOT EASIER NOW FOR BOTH OF US.
The memory thief runs toward me, his face blackened, tie shredded, it's awkward knot loosened and askew. His formerly white shirt is almost grey now with soot and he throws his arms around me as he runs past, pulling me up off my feet, against his chest tightly. I put my arms around his neck and watch the fire get smaller as we get further away from it. Everything around us gets darker but he keeps running as hard as he can. I can feel his heart pounding through his chest, his breath coming in ragged gasps and he squeezes me so hard against him that it hurts.
When the fire is a memory of its own he begins to slow and then finally he stops and collapses to the pavement, spilling us both to the road, holding my head in his hand against his shoulder to keep from cracking it open against the ground.
What did you do? I scramble away from him and to my feet, fists tightly curled and walk back twenty feet to watch the flames as they eat everything they touch, including everything I held so dear that I depended on him to protect and keep until a time came when I could relive everything again without it hurting so much.
We're going to reinvent ourselves, Bridget. We're going to start over. No more dusty file cabinets and locked drawers. No more thieves and interlopers. No more substitutions. No more waiting. I burned it all down.
He sits up, elbows on his knees, pulling off his tie and tossing it to one side. He starts to laugh. I should have done this years ago.
You didn't ask me, Sam!
You would have said no.
All of that belonged to me. That whole block.
That whole city, you mean. Just wait. The whole thing is wired to go up but I've got it on a time delay. For safety.
I didn't ask you to do this.
It was too dangerous to leave it any longer. Someone was going to get hurt.
Who was going to get hurt?
You. Or maybe me. Maybe all of us.
So you destroyed it?
Yes.
And then you got drunk.
Yes.
Why?
This is a huge step but we need to make it now and we need to do it together.
What do you mean?
Just as I ask the question a deafening rumble begins and the ground starts to shake and then an explosion levels my world.
When I next open my eyes I'm lying on the ground on my back. It's daylight and everything is covered with a thick layer of ashes. I can't breathe or hear anything except for an incessant ringing and there's nothing for miles in any direction. I sit up and Sam is grinning from ear to ear beside me.
It's too late now, isn't it? I ask him.
WHAT? He yells. I CAN'T HEAR YOU. I THINK I MADE THE RIGHT DECISION THOUGH. I THINK THINGS ARE GOING TO BE A LOT EASIER NOW FOR BOTH OF US.
Wednesday, 15 June 2016
Full frontal disappointment.
Corey sent a huge flower basket this morning by way of apology for his bullheadishness. Looking back I was still ladylike and didn't stoop to his level as much as I probably could have, probably saved only because I am usually loathe to interrupt once the boys get going. I called to thank him right away, I mean this basket could barely fit through the door. I thought we would have to open both. It's got silk butterflies pinned everywhere and has roses just spilling out of it. I've never seen anything so lovely.
The note said,
Mrs. K. I am an ass but the observations hold true. I still love you as you made me famous and I could retire at 40. Don't wreck my friends and we'll call it even if you promise to visit me in the home when I'm 90 and maybe then concede to give me a spongebath.
Love,
Corey.
PS. Loch you love me bitch admit it.
I don't know how he got the flower shop to write all that but money can buy the most interesting things.
Really, you deserve it. You have put up with a lot.
And you, not living here, don't know the half of it.
Sorry, Bridge.
Apologies like this are accepted! I can be bought with flowers.
Good to know.
Come for dinner Saturday. Be on your best. It will be cheaper.
Noted. I'll bring potato salad.
No, just bring you.
Okay.
***
Sam fell asleep last night with every window open downstairs and the heat from the rest of the house sucked down the steps and outside. I went down in five layers to trace the source of the freezing cold and it was like Zathura when I opened the door only instead of seeing outer space it was Hoth. I called out to him and immediately went around closing doors and windows and telling him he really had to learn to batten down the hatches at night because this was one habit of Jake's he didn't need to fall into, especially living at ground level and then I made it to the bedroom door and he's-
Oops.
Still sleeping.
Buck naked. Face up. Half on the bed. Half not except that something is wrong because Sam isn't messy or forgetful or a free sleeper like this and I grab a blanket from the couch in the living room and go back and throw it over him and sit down and yell his name in his face and he stirs so slowly for a brief moment I think he's dead and I lose my mind.
Literally lose it. As in full and utter breakdown right there. Fireworks and demolition from the top of my head to the bottom of my heart and he opens his eyes and it takes a lot of work and then I realize where I've seen that kind of whiskey effort to get out of a blackout before.
Oh, Sam. I thought you were dead but you're just stupid.
The note said,
Mrs. K. I am an ass but the observations hold true. I still love you as you made me famous and I could retire at 40. Don't wreck my friends and we'll call it even if you promise to visit me in the home when I'm 90 and maybe then concede to give me a spongebath.
Love,
Corey.
PS. Loch you love me bitch admit it.
I don't know how he got the flower shop to write all that but money can buy the most interesting things.
Really, you deserve it. You have put up with a lot.
And you, not living here, don't know the half of it.
Sorry, Bridge.
Apologies like this are accepted! I can be bought with flowers.
Good to know.
Come for dinner Saturday. Be on your best. It will be cheaper.
Noted. I'll bring potato salad.
No, just bring you.
Okay.
***
Sam fell asleep last night with every window open downstairs and the heat from the rest of the house sucked down the steps and outside. I went down in five layers to trace the source of the freezing cold and it was like Zathura when I opened the door only instead of seeing outer space it was Hoth. I called out to him and immediately went around closing doors and windows and telling him he really had to learn to batten down the hatches at night because this was one habit of Jake's he didn't need to fall into, especially living at ground level and then I made it to the bedroom door and he's-
Oops.
Still sleeping.
Buck naked. Face up. Half on the bed. Half not except that something is wrong because Sam isn't messy or forgetful or a free sleeper like this and I grab a blanket from the couch in the living room and go back and throw it over him and sit down and yell his name in his face and he stirs so slowly for a brief moment I think he's dead and I lose my mind.
Literally lose it. As in full and utter breakdown right there. Fireworks and demolition from the top of my head to the bottom of my heart and he opens his eyes and it takes a lot of work and then I realize where I've seen that kind of whiskey effort to get out of a blackout before.
Oh, Sam. I thought you were dead but you're just stupid.
Tuesday, 14 June 2016
Hard to believe behind his back they call him 'The Mountain'.
And I guess that's why they call it the bluesIt seemed like a normal, albeit very tired Tuesday morning. I'm washing endless dishes at the sink. PJ and Ben are sharing the newspaper at the island. Lochlan is trying fix something on my macbook. Sam and Duncan are talking about the weekend. August is stretched out on the couch by the fire, eyes closed. Dalton isn't up yet. Quietish. Elton's on the stereo. My choice.
Time on my hands could be time spent with you
Laughing like children, living like lovers
Rolling like thunder under the covers
And I guess that's why they call it the blues
John comes in from running errands, including taking the children up to school because it's pouring. All hands on deck, he calls and everybody groans but gets up. That means he wants everyone to help do one single trip bringing things inside. It turns a lot of work into a two-minute job.
The second everyone is out of the kitchen he locks the french doors behind them and grabs me in a dance. A very elaborate tango through the kitchen. Just me, John and Elton while he sings the song. I am surprised and thrilled. I love dancing. I love Elton. I love John when he's in these kinds of moods. He spins me past the glass doors while everyone stands there and stares, my arms high above my head and brings me back in, swaying me back and forth in his arms, smiling down at me. He ends the song with me back where I started at the sink and he heads across to unlock the door but before he lets anyone back in, he blocks them.
She needs more fun. More good days. More HAPPY. Got it?
They nod. Loch walks in and pretends to throw a nasty uppercut and John pretends to hit him back but then takes him into his arms and takes him for a waltz around the kitchen too. I turn up the music and we all watch and soon they are all begging for turns and my eyes start to sting just a little because it's so much fun to watch them getting along so well.
Dalton finally appeared and had no idea what was going on but thankfully was a really good sport and got the last dance of the morning.
This can be cult rule #1. Forget the sex parties. I want breakfast dancing.
Monday, 13 June 2016
Teflon Jesus and the pull in every direction except away. Also, Cor, we still hate yer fucken guts. (<--that part was not me, that's Loch).
Hardly three weeks have gone by and Dalton got the call to go back out on the road. I heard him talking on the phone late last night. He's not much of a door-closer and I was in the library so I got an earful. He was quick to convince them he wasn't interested and I went to bed at ease.
Until Corey showed up this morning to try and turn his screws a little more tightly. Dalton doesn't like to be bugged so I didn't mind running interference.
He just got home. He's already given his answer, Corey.
Ohh. Here comes the microqueen with her decision. No boys off the point. The cult is closed for business, is it? He smirks at me. Asshole.
We're a cult now?
Bridget, this is the first and only cult revolving around a woman that I've seen. I'd say there's some quality issues involved with that but yeah, it's a fucking cult. You've got your sex parties, your built-in preachers, your decades of brainwashing, your faithful followers, and your closed-off property. A little recruiting, a lot of rules, no strangers, no peeking, and at the top of the heap is your little fucked-up self.
Oh my God, Corey, you're so jealous. Stop it. I'm flattered but you're not my type.
Because my dick would have stuck right out the back of your fucking head, midget.
Enough, Corey. Dalton isn't in the mood for one of our fights. Corey and I never got along, precisely for this reason. He wants to be here and I have no patience for his egotude.
Sorry, Dalt. I just don't get what it is that keeps you all here.
Exactly what you listed. Sex parties and decades of brainwashing. Dalton is deadpan and I giggle.
Corey rolls his eyes.
If you change your mind about coming out it would probably be good for you to stay away from Mrs. Koresh here. I think Jake taught her everything he knew and she just picked up the torch after he offed himself. You know why he did that, right? It's because you fuck anything that breathes, Bridget.
Except you.
ZING. Love you, Babe. See ya later.
I hope not.
Christ, who let him in? Duncan strolls in and I point at his brother.
Dalt!
I didn't think he'd be that big of an ass.
It's Monday. Of course he is. All of the weekend hope is gone. It'll be back around Thursday. They laugh but I'm crushed. We are a fucking cult.
I'm not too crushed though. I'm so glad I can keep Dalton home for the summer and away from that crap.
Until Corey showed up this morning to try and turn his screws a little more tightly. Dalton doesn't like to be bugged so I didn't mind running interference.
He just got home. He's already given his answer, Corey.
Ohh. Here comes the microqueen with her decision. No boys off the point. The cult is closed for business, is it? He smirks at me. Asshole.
We're a cult now?
Bridget, this is the first and only cult revolving around a woman that I've seen. I'd say there's some quality issues involved with that but yeah, it's a fucking cult. You've got your sex parties, your built-in preachers, your decades of brainwashing, your faithful followers, and your closed-off property. A little recruiting, a lot of rules, no strangers, no peeking, and at the top of the heap is your little fucked-up self.
Oh my God, Corey, you're so jealous. Stop it. I'm flattered but you're not my type.
Because my dick would have stuck right out the back of your fucking head, midget.
Enough, Corey. Dalton isn't in the mood for one of our fights. Corey and I never got along, precisely for this reason. He wants to be here and I have no patience for his egotude.
Sorry, Dalt. I just don't get what it is that keeps you all here.
Exactly what you listed. Sex parties and decades of brainwashing. Dalton is deadpan and I giggle.
Corey rolls his eyes.
If you change your mind about coming out it would probably be good for you to stay away from Mrs. Koresh here. I think Jake taught her everything he knew and she just picked up the torch after he offed himself. You know why he did that, right? It's because you fuck anything that breathes, Bridget.
Except you.
ZING. Love you, Babe. See ya later.
I hope not.
Christ, who let him in? Duncan strolls in and I point at his brother.
Dalt!
I didn't think he'd be that big of an ass.
It's Monday. Of course he is. All of the weekend hope is gone. It'll be back around Thursday. They laugh but I'm crushed. We are a fucking cult.
I'm not too crushed though. I'm so glad I can keep Dalton home for the summer and away from that crap.
Sunday, 12 June 2016
The movie by myself.
Lochlan broke his shiny new rule first thing this morning when we went to the theatre to see Warcraft (Sunday is a good time to see a movie because hardly any one goes and Ben doesn't get harassed at all) and at the last minute I bought a ticket to see a different movie.
I don't actually play video games much (you have been left behind) so I got myself a ticket to see Me Before You.
Which was not a funny, sad romantic comedy chick flick like what I thought it would be, even having read the controversy in the paper, knowing the main character wanted to off himself because he felt his life was not worth living. It sounded a little heavy. It sounded perfect, because let's face it. I like my life a little heavy.
I left the theater unable to breathe. Only because it was a real kick in the arse. A punch in the face. Live boldly indeed. Their relationship was neither trite nor predictable, the story was neither cheesy nor hokey and it was well worth the thought parade and the unhappy ending. I loved it, I loved that it made me think and I loved that it made me smile and cry at the same goddamned time. It's far far deeper than you would expect and way less fluffy than it probably should have been been and very very good. It should almost be required watching, in this day and age with our grand debates on euthanasia and perhaps on how to compromise in relationships too.
I think I had a better time than the boys did (their reviews of Warcraft were the following: Awesome! So cool! and Amazing!) and I'm also a full-fledged card-carrying grownup because I've been to a movie alone.
I didn't get mugged or anything. I ate a whole popcorn without having to share, which may have been a bad idea. I didn't eat anything else yet this weekend because I am still full from it but yeah, good movie.
Really, really good. And so very sad. But so very good.
I don't actually play video games much (you have been left behind) so I got myself a ticket to see Me Before You.
Which was not a funny, sad romantic comedy chick flick like what I thought it would be, even having read the controversy in the paper, knowing the main character wanted to off himself because he felt his life was not worth living. It sounded a little heavy. It sounded perfect, because let's face it. I like my life a little heavy.
I left the theater unable to breathe. Only because it was a real kick in the arse. A punch in the face. Live boldly indeed. Their relationship was neither trite nor predictable, the story was neither cheesy nor hokey and it was well worth the thought parade and the unhappy ending. I loved it, I loved that it made me think and I loved that it made me smile and cry at the same goddamned time. It's far far deeper than you would expect and way less fluffy than it probably should have been been and very very good. It should almost be required watching, in this day and age with our grand debates on euthanasia and perhaps on how to compromise in relationships too.
I think I had a better time than the boys did (their reviews of Warcraft were the following: Awesome! So cool! and Amazing!) and I'm also a full-fledged card-carrying grownup because I've been to a movie alone.
I didn't get mugged or anything. I ate a whole popcorn without having to share, which may have been a bad idea. I didn't eat anything else yet this weekend because I am still full from it but yeah, good movie.
Really, really good. And so very sad. But so very good.
Saturday, 11 June 2016
Rule.
Two days later and everyone remains disappointed in me, Claus is 'deeply saddened' and the majority blame Ben for that one time when he said he really really liked watching me fuck other people.
He. wasn't. even. there.
He's also really mad at me, for the record. Mostly because once again the back of my skull features a really large human bite imprint that really fucking hurts when I touch it and my hips show a set of bruises in the exact shape and size of Caleb's fingertips. Neither Ben nor Lochlan ever leave a mark, but with Caleb it's a hallmark and nothing has changed.
And two days later I have apologized to no one. I am a package deal and it's a difficult package. Comes with a ghost or two and a fucked up feral freak of a girl and I make no bones about it. They all know up front what to expect so don't be surprised when what you see is exactly what you get.
And Ben falls off the wagon two, three times a year. I fell off it for the first time ever and it took a bite out of my head and told me it loved me, fucked my heart out and shoved me back across the driveway into loving arms. Seems to me I'm doing pretty good.
Is that what you call it? Pretty good? Jake has that disapproving smile on his face as he steps into the light in the garage. The smile that means he still wants to be polite but can't stand to be, either.
Can you look after Cole for me?
I always do. He isn't easy though.
I know but thank you. I appreciate it.
For how long?
Eternity.
Bridget-
That's the deal. Or until I get there. Then I will take over and you can be done. Soon, okay?
I turn to leave and smash right into Lochlan, who has added horrified to his tired, pissed-off, fed-up expression. Bridget, what in the hell do you mean by that-
Nothing. I'm just trying to placate him, that's all.
What do you mean by soon?
Nothing, I just meant until I'm dead.
You said soon. That means shortly.
Loch, I don't-
That's enough. This ends right here.
He took my hand and kissed the back of it and said I stray no further than the length of his arm for the rest of my life and if that was a problem, well then too fucking bad. My first thought was easy and my second thought was really freaking dirty and awful but I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
Or..
Uh...
He. wasn't. even. there.
He's also really mad at me, for the record. Mostly because once again the back of my skull features a really large human bite imprint that really fucking hurts when I touch it and my hips show a set of bruises in the exact shape and size of Caleb's fingertips. Neither Ben nor Lochlan ever leave a mark, but with Caleb it's a hallmark and nothing has changed.
And two days later I have apologized to no one. I am a package deal and it's a difficult package. Comes with a ghost or two and a fucked up feral freak of a girl and I make no bones about it. They all know up front what to expect so don't be surprised when what you see is exactly what you get.
And Ben falls off the wagon two, three times a year. I fell off it for the first time ever and it took a bite out of my head and told me it loved me, fucked my heart out and shoved me back across the driveway into loving arms. Seems to me I'm doing pretty good.
Is that what you call it? Pretty good? Jake has that disapproving smile on his face as he steps into the light in the garage. The smile that means he still wants to be polite but can't stand to be, either.
Can you look after Cole for me?
I always do. He isn't easy though.
I know but thank you. I appreciate it.
For how long?
Eternity.
Bridget-
That's the deal. Or until I get there. Then I will take over and you can be done. Soon, okay?
I turn to leave and smash right into Lochlan, who has added horrified to his tired, pissed-off, fed-up expression. Bridget, what in the hell do you mean by that-
Nothing. I'm just trying to placate him, that's all.
What do you mean by soon?
Nothing, I just meant until I'm dead.
You said soon. That means shortly.
Loch, I don't-
That's enough. This ends right here.
He took my hand and kissed the back of it and said I stray no further than the length of his arm for the rest of my life and if that was a problem, well then too fucking bad. My first thought was easy and my second thought was really freaking dirty and awful but I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
Or..
Uh...
Friday, 10 June 2016
Indemnity.
Mama, ain't the blood just proof I'm human?I found Cole, in the fog, in the rain, in the waves crashing against the cliffs, in the concrete room where I keep my memories of him, in the mannerisms of his older brother, so much like him and yet nothing like him now because his heart beats an unsteady rhythm like the rain did just yesterday. Just for me. Just long enough for me to find purchase on the wet earth and then I was sent home in the dark to make my penance proper because as the Devil said it serves no purpose any more to use the living to visit the dead.
Mama, ain't the wound just retribution?
Well Mama, ain't the scar like a vision of grace?
He didn't mean himself. He meant August because for as much as I can find Cole in Caleb I can find Jacob in August but this entry today isn't about Jacob and it isn't even about Cole. It's about a six month break that ended yesterday with a crash against the shore that signaled a truce of sorts. I offered my body and he offered a ghost. I took all of my fear and anger and put it on him and he took it and wore it and wept from it and let it eat him alive and let it wear on him and finish him off and then he let them devour him whole with their rage and let their fists connect with him and their words strike him down and he rode on through the dangerous night with me in his arms and he promised things would be better and I wouldn't have to hate him anymore and we won't have to be enemies and he said he was trying to protect me too and he was trying to fix things and all men are selfish if you give them the chance, Bridge, not even one of us is different and in the morning things looked better. The sun came up and I could catch my breath. He slept uneasily beside me, that uneven beat still thrumming through what was left of the night, a song no one knows anymore because it's unfamiliar, words we've never heard and I realized I don't hate him anymore. The only difference is like everything he doesn't do anything halfway. It's all or nothing, every time. That's what makes this so difficult for him, is that he is forced to be the bad guy, the ghostkeeper, the past.
I still don't see a future, I tell him over cheese toast.
Look harder. It's there. You weren't taught to be short-sighted, he says, and he drains the rest of the coffee in his cup, kisses my cheek and leaves the room.
Thursday, 9 June 2016
"It takes a man to make a devil." -Henry Beecher.
I want you to knowThis morning every breath washes over me in panic. Every step feels like it's weighed in concrete and every breeze across my skin is raw. I can't find a way to distract myself or soothe myself from this feeling. Nothing is working. Sam isn't home, August and PJ are both out. Loch and Ben are both working and I'm supposed to call Christian or Danny if I need anything and instead I'm climbing the walls. Duncan and Dalton are both home and asleep and I don't dare wake up either one with a psychic crisis because Dalton will suggest we do something constructive and Duncan will suggest something destructive and I don't want to do either of those. I know a surefire way to calm myself but he is evil and forbidden and maybe exactly what I need right this minute because I can't breathe and all I want is Cole. Sometimes it's nice when the grief can hurt just a little bit less. Sometimes it's nice when you can still touch a ghost long gone.
All is blacked out but continues to grow
I need you to see
Nothing can change unless you believe
I won't let it go
I'll stick to the plan
We're deep in the throes
I won't let it go
I'll fight til the end
And then you will know
Who will save you now?
Who will save you now?
Tell the world I'll survive
Who will save you now?
Who will save you now?
Alone with this vision
Alone with this sound
Alone in my dreams
I carry around
I will not take from you and you will not owe
I will protect you from the fire below
It's not in my mind
It's here at my side
Go tell the world that I'm still alive
Wednesday, 8 June 2016
Presence.
But never have I been a blue calm seaI feel asleep waiting for Ben in the big hanging chair in the lounge area of the studio and he woke me with a sweet kiss long past my bedtime when he finally took off his headphones and noticed I was still there. He's been holed up for weeks. Part of me wants to stamp my feet and say it isn't fair, the other part reminds me that this is how he is. How he's happiest. This is what he does, nevermind the others who unhelpfully suggest that this is because I have rejected Caleb at last and maybe now Ben has no use for me because I'm not depraved anymore or maybe because my loyalties aren't as divided clearly I must be devoted to Loch and now there's no room for Ben to maybe the simple fact remains that he's finally grown bored of me (wow, thanks Duncan) to PJ's incredible suggestion that I should have been down here forcing him out of his rut long before now.
I have always been a storm
I don't know who is right and who is wrong so I asked Ben and he laughed and said Nobody, but since we're alone, there's been something I've been wishing for. And he unzipped his jeans and grabbed me by the back of the head and made sure no one's going to call me a lady any time soon.
When I was done choking on his absence he wiped my face with his t-shirt and said he bet I didn't miss him anymore and said if I needed my jaw realigned the next one will probably put it back and he laughed and sat down heavily on the floor right in front of where I lay in the chair. Still sideways. Still somewhat sleepy. Still kind of surprised. He puts his head down to match mine. So we can talk.
What did I miss?
Spring.
What else?
The meltdown-countdown.
You seem to be doing okay from where I sit.
Yes, Ben. If you stare down the end of your dick, everything looks terrific. Jesus. You've got the penis-equivalent of rose-colored glasses.
I told you I wasn't going to fix things.
You're not even around for moral support though. You've bailed entirely.
You're safe. And I've got my own shit to fix, Bridge. I'm trying not to drink, here.
Then let me help you.
Pretty sure you just did.
Well, then fuck Bill. They should ask everyone if they're friends of Bridget.
Here on the point, they do. The program is called BB.
BJ, you mean.
Right. Because that was amazing. I've been missing out on life haven't I?
Yes.
I'm sorry, Bridget. How can I make it up to you?
Stop disappearing?
Dammit. I was hoping you'd let me return the favor you just did for me.
Well...you could do that to.
Awesome! And before I could say anything else, he got up on his knees, grabbed my hips, pulled my jeans right off and the rest isn't even remotely fit for print.
Tuesday, 7 June 2016
My sweater saved my life yesterday and other stupid stories I'm not going to tell you.
Well, did she make you cryLoch hung over the fence just before sunset and grabbed me by the hood. He got me going in a good hard swing and then with a shout he defied gravity, bringing me back over to the safe side once again. Then I got the usual routine of being backed up against a wall with his finger in my face, his harsh words in my ears and tears swimming in my own eyes as I bit my lip and tried to be brave while he demanded that if I'm insolent enough to break the rules then I'm brave enough to stand there and absolutely not cry to his fucking face while I get in trouble for it. No? Oh well, then DON'T DO IT AGAIN, OKAY?
Make you break down
Shatter your illusions of love?
And is it over now
Do you know how
Pick up the pieces and go home?
And I nodded even as he tried and failed to keep his whole face from cracking into a smile because he's not all that good at being parental to me anymore even as I'm absolutely awful at following rules and really that side of the yard is one of the few places with completely unspoiled beauty and no electric fences or obstructed views and so when I need to think very hard and I'm not allowed on the beach then why, yes, I will end up perched out on the very edge of the cliff with my back right up against the fence where there's no actual room to stand. If you saw it you'd be horrified. Even the fence posts are engineered to hook back in underneath about three feet back from where the fence sits proper. It's terrifying in places.
It's also liberating because I'm the only one small enough to fit on that side and sometimes I just need to pause the whole world and hop off and you'll know it when I do because your CD will skip, your video will buffer or you'll lose your train of thought. Sorry, sometimes it can't be helped.
But really, I'm fine. I just have to figure out how to reorder my stuff every time I drive over a bump in the road and all my things fly up into the air and every time that happens there's one less space to put everything when it all comes back down and I have to rearrange it. That's how Sam described it and it's perfect.
Monday, 6 June 2016
Overwatch.
Everyone's backed way off this week, hands up, eyes toward each other waiting and watching still to see what I will do and when it's warm and sunny I've been in the garden taking my sweet time trying to teach the boys that it isn't complicated and when it's raining I sit at the window seat, nose pressed up against the glass and I wonder if Jake knows. I wonder if I should tell him, formally. I wonder if I should venture down that long corridor to the rusted room where we can talk properly. I wonder if he's still there. I know Cole is. I won't let him leave.
I wonder why they feel like they have to protect me from each other. I wonder why it rains so much here. I wonder if we're given a set amount of time carved in stone or if we just fall into slots in life that are already carved out and the rest is just bad luck.
I wonder if I'd like to go back to work pouring coffee for minimum wage. I wonder if the headaches will ever stop. They started again the minute we got here and haven't let up unless I put myself into a near-fatal drug stupor. I wonder if my time is long or short. I wonder who wins. I wonder where Ben's heart is. I wonder if I'll get tired of this and move on or implode into a billion tiny feathers and confetti like I usually do.
I wonder what people think of me. I wonder why I don't care. I wonder why stupid things like farmers markets and beach days excite other people who plan for them regularly, and crowds and lineups don't bother others but they send me into apoplexy. Money makes me crazy. I count it, hoard it with a level of compulsion reserved for the most depraved. I wonder why.
I wonder when August is going to stop watching and start asking all these questions. I wonder when mood stabilizers will turn into chemical lobotomizers and when everything else will come to light. I wonder when they'll run over my brain with the ride on mower and swear it was an accident but turn on measures of relief so sharp we can use them to cut lines that bring about a new kind of fear.
I wonder when dinner is. It's not my night to cook.
I wonder why he didn't assign a watcher. I wonder if they know how close I stood to the wall today on the wrong side, wavering against the wind, my back pressed against the rough treated boards, my sweater hooked on the edge of the knot, the sea calling my name quite clearly before I told her I had to go back inside. I don't want to go in, I just need to get close.
I wonder why they feel like they have to protect me from each other. I wonder why it rains so much here. I wonder if we're given a set amount of time carved in stone or if we just fall into slots in life that are already carved out and the rest is just bad luck.
I wonder if I'd like to go back to work pouring coffee for minimum wage. I wonder if the headaches will ever stop. They started again the minute we got here and haven't let up unless I put myself into a near-fatal drug stupor. I wonder if my time is long or short. I wonder who wins. I wonder where Ben's heart is. I wonder if I'll get tired of this and move on or implode into a billion tiny feathers and confetti like I usually do.
I wonder what people think of me. I wonder why I don't care. I wonder why stupid things like farmers markets and beach days excite other people who plan for them regularly, and crowds and lineups don't bother others but they send me into apoplexy. Money makes me crazy. I count it, hoard it with a level of compulsion reserved for the most depraved. I wonder why.
I wonder when August is going to stop watching and start asking all these questions. I wonder when mood stabilizers will turn into chemical lobotomizers and when everything else will come to light. I wonder when they'll run over my brain with the ride on mower and swear it was an accident but turn on measures of relief so sharp we can use them to cut lines that bring about a new kind of fear.
I wonder when dinner is. It's not my night to cook.
I wonder why he didn't assign a watcher. I wonder if they know how close I stood to the wall today on the wrong side, wavering against the wind, my back pressed against the rough treated boards, my sweater hooked on the edge of the knot, the sea calling my name quite clearly before I told her I had to go back inside. I don't want to go in, I just need to get close.
Sunday, 5 June 2016
Flame.
When I head upstairs Loch is reading. He looks up almost with suspicion before getting up and crossing to me. He puts all the lights on and inspects me all over. Lifts up my chin, looks behind my ears, between my fingers, underneath my knees.
You okay? He says it shamefully, quietly. As if I wasn't even expected. Like I would have stayed had I know I could have or was supposed to. I nod. Yes. We did the paperwork on the house, had a Lag and now I'm home.
Did you have a fight to get out?
Not really, I lie.
The relief is instantaneous and he takes my hands, pushing them up high above my head, pulling my dress up with them, then the dress is off and thrown to the floor. My lingerie follows until there is nothing in his way and then he keeps my hands, spinning me away, facedown onto the bed, following me, letting go as he pins me with his weight, then wrapping one hand around the back of my head and wrapping the other down around the side of the bed frame for leverage.
Leverage. This is amazing. Oh my God.
All of his weight comes down against my hips and all I can do is hold on to my pillow, twisting it up in my hands far up above my head. I can't breathe, I can't move. I cry out and he lets go of the bed, sliding his hand underneath my hips, pulling them up hard against him. Bridge, he cries out against my ear, turning me over so fiercely that I twist my skin hard against him, almost screaming as we fit back together face to face, fumbling to climb back inside each other where we belong. He pulls my arms up around his neck, tightening his hold around my back, jamming his chin hard against my head, rocking tightly against me. It's seven hundred degrees in the room and about a thousand between us and the sparks start to dance out from the darkest corners as we work hard to make it a full-fledged fire. Suddenly he pulls me up into his lap and the flames bloom all around us as he presses his lips against my neck, slowing down, breathing hard, fingers digging in against my hips. Pulling me in hard and then pushing me away again, smiling at my tiny cries as I rest my head against his shoulder finally, sweat dripping from my nose, stinging my eyes, leaving my fingers unable to hold onto his shoulders. So I let go and fall to the sheets and he lies down beside me and exhales slowly.
I'm sorry, Bridge.
Glad we waited until after that to make up, I admit and he laughed and blushed. I didn't think we could get any more red but we can.
You okay? He says it shamefully, quietly. As if I wasn't even expected. Like I would have stayed had I know I could have or was supposed to. I nod. Yes. We did the paperwork on the house, had a Lag and now I'm home.
Did you have a fight to get out?
Not really, I lie.
The relief is instantaneous and he takes my hands, pushing them up high above my head, pulling my dress up with them, then the dress is off and thrown to the floor. My lingerie follows until there is nothing in his way and then he keeps my hands, spinning me away, facedown onto the bed, following me, letting go as he pins me with his weight, then wrapping one hand around the back of my head and wrapping the other down around the side of the bed frame for leverage.
Leverage. This is amazing. Oh my God.
All of his weight comes down against my hips and all I can do is hold on to my pillow, twisting it up in my hands far up above my head. I can't breathe, I can't move. I cry out and he lets go of the bed, sliding his hand underneath my hips, pulling them up hard against him. Bridge, he cries out against my ear, turning me over so fiercely that I twist my skin hard against him, almost screaming as we fit back together face to face, fumbling to climb back inside each other where we belong. He pulls my arms up around his neck, tightening his hold around my back, jamming his chin hard against my head, rocking tightly against me. It's seven hundred degrees in the room and about a thousand between us and the sparks start to dance out from the darkest corners as we work hard to make it a full-fledged fire. Suddenly he pulls me up into his lap and the flames bloom all around us as he presses his lips against my neck, slowing down, breathing hard, fingers digging in against my hips. Pulling me in hard and then pushing me away again, smiling at my tiny cries as I rest my head against his shoulder finally, sweat dripping from my nose, stinging my eyes, leaving my fingers unable to hold onto his shoulders. So I let go and fall to the sheets and he lies down beside me and exhales slowly.
I'm sorry, Bridge.
Glad we waited until after that to make up, I admit and he laughed and blushed. I didn't think we could get any more red but we can.
Saturday, 4 June 2016
Pure prophet.
I've convinced him to move the gates again to exclude the white
marble monstrosity up the hill and sell it while the market is on a
white hot streak. This neighborhood is solid gold. The house has been
stripped of as much marble as I could take from it and redone beautifully and we weren't going to sell it but we don't need it
either and really it's a lot of money needlessly tied up when it
doesn't have to be and so if he sold this one and kept the one in Tahoe
then he would be sitting pretty indeed. I came to him with the offers
and he was very surprised and pleased and we chose one and it's all done
and what easy money sometimes.
You're very good at this. I wish you would be my partner formally. In ventures, I mean. I know what he means.
I don't like the business.
I know, Neamhchiontach. And maybe that's why you're so good at it. You don't use your heart at all. Just your head. I would have sat on that house but you like to play it safe and you've done very well and you will be rewarded.
I don't need to be.
If it's all the same to you, I'd appreciate a chance to continue to spoil my favorite sometime-partner when my business flourishes because of her decisions on my behalf.
Suit yourself. I have to go.
Can you have a nightcap first?
Sure. What do you have?
We can finish the Lagavulin.
There's half a bottle left!
Right. He grins. We'll go over the rest of this paperwork. Let Pyro know you'll be home inside of an hour.
***
It's the opposite of artifice. The habitual routine of taking our places on the couch to go over paperwork because his desk and my little spot in his office always seemed so formal, foreboding even. I fit perfectly there, tucked under his arm while his fingers errantly trace my tattoos as I read over the lists. This contentment seems so bittersweet now without a future.
He kisses the top of my head as I turn a page and I don't know what is habit and what's hopeful. I love you, he whispers and I nod. Love you too, I whisper back automatically, so careful not to weigh it down, watching as it floats up over our heads. Habit over meaning, courtesy over declaration. His heart is probably as cold as stone now, the space in the center where the injuries are filling up with ice, thawing and freezing, expanding and contracting, filling up until eventually the weaker piece will break right off, the remaining piece withering and dying.
He holds his breath until I turn another page to confirm that it's habit and then he pretends it is even as he hoped otherwise and he tries to just enjoy the moments. It's as if we've started over but really we are winding down and I'm trying to throw an old dog a bone here, letting him down as gently as I can. Loch wanted to shoot him in the head, I'd rather put him to sleep. It's more humane. And I always said in the end that it wasn't me who was the monster, even as everyone said I was. It wasn't me. I became the product of my environment, that's all. It couldn't be helped.
As I read he refills my glass. I don't know if he think I'm not paying attention or if he's making a statement. I put the papers down and wait for clarification.
You agreed to help me finish this.
I can't crawl back across the driveway.
So stay.
I can't stay.
You could stay.
I'm not staying.
We are nose to nose and oh my God, I want to stay.
I gotta go, Diabhal.
Wish you wouldn't, Babydoll.
Lagavulin's empty. I knock the bottle over and it spills across the table. A travesty. A waste. He quickly gets up and goes to get a towel.
An escape.
Goodnight, Bridget. The disappointment in his voice is so thick I feel it close around me as I shut the door. I feel like I have narrowly escaped a whole different kind of quicksand. I feel sick from the whiskey and the heat and the big money and the expectation that he is alone because of me and in spite of me and I feel the dark closing in tight like a vise.
You're very good at this. I wish you would be my partner formally. In ventures, I mean. I know what he means.
I don't like the business.
I know, Neamhchiontach. And maybe that's why you're so good at it. You don't use your heart at all. Just your head. I would have sat on that house but you like to play it safe and you've done very well and you will be rewarded.
I don't need to be.
If it's all the same to you, I'd appreciate a chance to continue to spoil my favorite sometime-partner when my business flourishes because of her decisions on my behalf.
Suit yourself. I have to go.
Can you have a nightcap first?
Sure. What do you have?
We can finish the Lagavulin.
There's half a bottle left!
Right. He grins. We'll go over the rest of this paperwork. Let Pyro know you'll be home inside of an hour.
***
It's the opposite of artifice. The habitual routine of taking our places on the couch to go over paperwork because his desk and my little spot in his office always seemed so formal, foreboding even. I fit perfectly there, tucked under his arm while his fingers errantly trace my tattoos as I read over the lists. This contentment seems so bittersweet now without a future.
He kisses the top of my head as I turn a page and I don't know what is habit and what's hopeful. I love you, he whispers and I nod. Love you too, I whisper back automatically, so careful not to weigh it down, watching as it floats up over our heads. Habit over meaning, courtesy over declaration. His heart is probably as cold as stone now, the space in the center where the injuries are filling up with ice, thawing and freezing, expanding and contracting, filling up until eventually the weaker piece will break right off, the remaining piece withering and dying.
He holds his breath until I turn another page to confirm that it's habit and then he pretends it is even as he hoped otherwise and he tries to just enjoy the moments. It's as if we've started over but really we are winding down and I'm trying to throw an old dog a bone here, letting him down as gently as I can. Loch wanted to shoot him in the head, I'd rather put him to sleep. It's more humane. And I always said in the end that it wasn't me who was the monster, even as everyone said I was. It wasn't me. I became the product of my environment, that's all. It couldn't be helped.
As I read he refills my glass. I don't know if he think I'm not paying attention or if he's making a statement. I put the papers down and wait for clarification.
You agreed to help me finish this.
I can't crawl back across the driveway.
So stay.
I can't stay.
You could stay.
I'm not staying.
We are nose to nose and oh my God, I want to stay.
I gotta go, Diabhal.
Wish you wouldn't, Babydoll.
Lagavulin's empty. I knock the bottle over and it spills across the table. A travesty. A waste. He quickly gets up and goes to get a towel.
An escape.
Goodnight, Bridget. The disappointment in his voice is so thick I feel it close around me as I shut the door. I feel like I have narrowly escaped a whole different kind of quicksand. I feel sick from the whiskey and the heat and the big money and the expectation that he is alone because of me and in spite of me and I feel the dark closing in tight like a vise.
FWP.
YEP. FORTY-FIVE FUCKING MINUTES, ITUNES.
Trying to wrestle with making a ringtone only to find out you've moved and buried where the AAC version thingie is so I tried to find a version online only to find only MP3 versions that I couldn't seem to convert and Lochlan is SO goddamn cruel when it comes to tech to the point where even Duncan gave HIM a shove and told him to give it a rest already. It wasn't even seven a.m. yet.
He finally showed me where they buried it this time but it was too late, I spent all my free internet time and now it's finished and my Saturday coffee is finished and my patience is finished and we don't have any hot water so the new water heater is arriving any minute now so maybe once I get a long hot shower I'll feel like giving it another go.
Too bad there was no character in the wizard of oz that needed a cure for massive pointless frustration. She would have been small and beet-pink and always in tears over fuck all. That's the worst part, it's all first world problems and I know. I know Lochlan is trying to teach me this and I know. I know. I know I know I know.
I'll be back later when I have my shit together. This is not my post, but I'm human so I'll leave it up.
Trying to wrestle with making a ringtone only to find out you've moved and buried where the AAC version thingie is so I tried to find a version online only to find only MP3 versions that I couldn't seem to convert and Lochlan is SO goddamn cruel when it comes to tech to the point where even Duncan gave HIM a shove and told him to give it a rest already. It wasn't even seven a.m. yet.
He finally showed me where they buried it this time but it was too late, I spent all my free internet time and now it's finished and my Saturday coffee is finished and my patience is finished and we don't have any hot water so the new water heater is arriving any minute now so maybe once I get a long hot shower I'll feel like giving it another go.
Too bad there was no character in the wizard of oz that needed a cure for massive pointless frustration. She would have been small and beet-pink and always in tears over fuck all. That's the worst part, it's all first world problems and I know. I know Lochlan is trying to teach me this and I know. I know. I know I know I know.
I'll be back later when I have my shit together. This is not my post, but I'm human so I'll leave it up.
Friday, 3 June 2016
?Huh?
I was watching footage from Paris online this morning and I leaned back against Dalton and before I knew it PJ yelled Narco and I jumped.
Loch responded. Polo!
Nice.
My narcolepsy is raging, untreated and almost worse than ever now in a bid to try and contain the migraine issues. The anticonvulsants that they put me on have enough side effects to make one yell HELL, NO! and stalk off in a huff and yet I've chosen to give them a chance only because they won't make me gain weight and because the promise of less pain still yearns for the light of day in there where all other hope is now lost.
But yeah, I can fall asleep mid-bite of cereal now. This is ridiculous. Add the hot skin and near-dementia-level forgetfulness with words and wow. I'm a fucking nonverbal pancake these days. But marginally cuter. Or maybe not even.
Paris is sorta-kinda underwater and they've closed the Louvre and I imagine are feeling a sort of springtime kinship with Venice these days. I freaking loved Venice but I didn't like the rats and I wouldn't want to live there because I imagine the kitschyness of it would wear off incredibly fast and the dampness of it would seep into my bones the same way the cold seemed to after eight years in the Prairies. I just couldn't walk another step, couldn't spend another day, couldn't knit another stitch of wool to put on to protect against that cold. In Venice I had nightmares of turning black with mold while I slept. It was profoundly beautiful and also tragic.
Paris is temporary. I always feel like Paris is on borrowed time. Paris is never what you think it's going to be, and then when you get there you think, oh, this is not what I expected AT ALL.
I guess it's like that in a lot of places.
I heard that in Egypt, if you look at the Sphynx and turn a hundred and eighty degrees you're facing a row of fast food restaurants.
I heard that if you see Bridget out and about in the wild of West or Downtown Vancouver she's merely a five-feet-tall former Midway rat who will ignore you completely and hang back from the hand of whomever she's with, not listening to anything that she can't hear, content to let them lead. She's not some point-controlling, man-collecting, husband-slaying demoness like you've read about.
That or she's asleep.
Yeah. She's probably asleep.
Loch responded. Polo!
Nice.
My narcolepsy is raging, untreated and almost worse than ever now in a bid to try and contain the migraine issues. The anticonvulsants that they put me on have enough side effects to make one yell HELL, NO! and stalk off in a huff and yet I've chosen to give them a chance only because they won't make me gain weight and because the promise of less pain still yearns for the light of day in there where all other hope is now lost.
But yeah, I can fall asleep mid-bite of cereal now. This is ridiculous. Add the hot skin and near-dementia-level forgetfulness with words and wow. I'm a fucking nonverbal pancake these days. But marginally cuter. Or maybe not even.
Paris is sorta-kinda underwater and they've closed the Louvre and I imagine are feeling a sort of springtime kinship with Venice these days. I freaking loved Venice but I didn't like the rats and I wouldn't want to live there because I imagine the kitschyness of it would wear off incredibly fast and the dampness of it would seep into my bones the same way the cold seemed to after eight years in the Prairies. I just couldn't walk another step, couldn't spend another day, couldn't knit another stitch of wool to put on to protect against that cold. In Venice I had nightmares of turning black with mold while I slept. It was profoundly beautiful and also tragic.
Paris is temporary. I always feel like Paris is on borrowed time. Paris is never what you think it's going to be, and then when you get there you think, oh, this is not what I expected AT ALL.
I guess it's like that in a lot of places.
I heard that in Egypt, if you look at the Sphynx and turn a hundred and eighty degrees you're facing a row of fast food restaurants.
I heard that if you see Bridget out and about in the wild of West or Downtown Vancouver she's merely a five-feet-tall former Midway rat who will ignore you completely and hang back from the hand of whomever she's with, not listening to anything that she can't hear, content to let them lead. She's not some point-controlling, man-collecting, husband-slaying demoness like you've read about.
That or she's asleep.
Yeah. She's probably asleep.
Thursday, 2 June 2016
Lilac spring.
You're lost in reveriesIt's warm enough to sleep in the camper overnight again. When I open my eyes this morning it's raining and the door is open. Loch is cooking mashed potatoes and tea on the tiny burners. He's already got cheese melting on bread on plates at the table. My stomach rumbles uncomfortably and I turn over and put my head under the pillow.
Holding back the tears
Faint sound of the wires
The butterfly is in the fire now
Lost in a memory you're holding my hands
One heart is in the ground
The other is veiled in the silver all around
Born under a trouble sign
Will it hurt to see me find
The long lost peace of mind
Darling you had me here for a while
It breaks my heart to see you cry
In the wake of incomplete time
There's the thunderous sound I know so well. Breakfast is almost ready. Find your clothes.
Give me yours.
What will I wear to eat in?
Nothing. I smile. Just your hair and your boots.
Ah. I see yesterday's crassness hasn't faded a bit.
Nope.
I'll fix that later.
Good luck. PJ's got his hooks in good.
He passes me a plate filled to the brim and puts a mug on the shelf by my head, turning it so the handle is easy to reach. There. Breakfast in bed for my circus peanut.
He takes his own plate and joins me on top of the quilts, adding his mug to the shelf beside mine. His is blue, mine is green.
You slept, I think. I know I did.
I nod. Maybe we should reconstruct the camper in our bedroom.
That might not be a bad idea.
Think Ben would go for it?
If we see him, we can ask. Eat while it's hot, Bridgie.
Wednesday, 1 June 2016
PUSSY.
Life is short and tough and I'm going to roll it in sugar, squeeze it until syrup drips from my fingers and enjoy the fuck out of every last drop, even as it kills me.
This is the plan? Loch asks, his eyebrows raised. He has the most glorious bedhead popcan-width red curls this morning. I lay in bed this morning wrapping his hair around my wrist. Three times before he mock-squeals and I laugh. It's getting long. Hope he leaves it. But then three different boys already quoted from Brave as they saw him.
And such lovely, flowy locks...
We can't just run away from whoever we are!
Never craft where you conjure!
(Now he'll cut it for sure. Thanks, boys.)
Yes, this is the plan. To enjoy every last minute.
The last time you said this you were halfway through a burrito in some sort of Mexican ecstasy and I had to roll you to back to the truck in a fugue state, he smiles dreamily.
Exactly. Eat the burrito! Roll back to the truck! Fuck the calories. Fuck the waiting, counting, watching, checking.
Right. Fuck the rules!
Fuck 'em! Right in the-
Bridget!
Fuck 'em in the Bridget? Ow!
No, I thought you were going to say something else.
Also, stop censoring our words!
Hell, yeah! Except...
What?
I hate it when you say that one.
Which one?
The one you were about to say.
Ass?
Oh. You were about to say 'Fuck 'em in the ass'?
Yes?
Okay nevermind then.
This is the plan? Loch asks, his eyebrows raised. He has the most glorious bedhead popcan-width red curls this morning. I lay in bed this morning wrapping his hair around my wrist. Three times before he mock-squeals and I laugh. It's getting long. Hope he leaves it. But then three different boys already quoted from Brave as they saw him.
And such lovely, flowy locks...
We can't just run away from whoever we are!
Never craft where you conjure!
(Now he'll cut it for sure. Thanks, boys.)
Yes, this is the plan. To enjoy every last minute.
The last time you said this you were halfway through a burrito in some sort of Mexican ecstasy and I had to roll you to back to the truck in a fugue state, he smiles dreamily.
Exactly. Eat the burrito! Roll back to the truck! Fuck the calories. Fuck the waiting, counting, watching, checking.
Right. Fuck the rules!
Fuck 'em! Right in the-
Bridget!
Fuck 'em in the Bridget? Ow!
No, I thought you were going to say something else.
Also, stop censoring our words!
Hell, yeah! Except...
What?
I hate it when you say that one.
Which one?
The one you were about to say.
Ass?
Oh. You were about to say 'Fuck 'em in the ass'?
Yes?
Okay nevermind then.
Tuesday, 31 May 2016
Butterscotch Ripple with a waffle.
I'm going to backpedal a little bit here, maybe take a little of my courage everyone is always marveling over and dilute it in a little river of gasoline. I'll swirl my finger around in it until it's good and dissolved and then I'll throw the match. When it burns a good hot sparky line down the brick I'll run back inside and slam the door.
I got my comeuppance this morning in Caleb's lawyers' office for writing about things I am not supposed to write about. They are so gentle and kind about it though. As instructed by him.
Bridget, we've been monitoring your social media and-
I don't have any social media unless you mean doughnut recipes and Alexander McQueen accessories on Pinterest-
Your blog-
Oh, that. I suppose he wants it taken down.
He just doesn't want you writing about specifics of the case. The broadest of mentions is as far as it can go and you've now been incredibly detailed as to point out that there was a start point and a settlement reached in a judge's office. That's too far and he would like you to stop.
Why couldn't he tell me?
Your... Lochlan keeps punching him and no one listens when that happens. He thought this might be more peaceful.
But I smile inwardly. ("Your Lochlan").
Do I have to remove anything?
No. Just don't write anymore about the specifics.
Fine.
He said including this conversation.
Bullshit, no he didn't.
He did, he even said if he didn't, you'd post it verbatim.
Tell him I'm doing that and then I'll cut him some slack.
Also if Lochlan continues to strike or make contact there will be police involvement.
The hell there will.
He says he knew you would say that and his response is 'exactly'.
Tell him if the tables were turned Lochlan would be dead already.
He says to tell you he knows. He says 'Sad face', he is sorry. Can he make it up to you?
Tell him no.
He already knows that as well and thanks you for your time and understanding and says to have this twenty to get an ice cream on your way out of the building (Lawyer holds out crisp green Queen).
Awesome! How much did you bill him for this twenty?
That's confidential.
Probably three...three-fifty, right?
Have a nice day, Ms. C____.
Tell Mr. C_____ what my name is one of these days, would you?
I've tried. He insists we call you this to agitate you.
Is it even legal?
The paperwork is correct so that's all that matters.
I got my comeuppance this morning in Caleb's lawyers' office for writing about things I am not supposed to write about. They are so gentle and kind about it though. As instructed by him.
Bridget, we've been monitoring your social media and-
I don't have any social media unless you mean doughnut recipes and Alexander McQueen accessories on Pinterest-
Your blog-
Oh, that. I suppose he wants it taken down.
He just doesn't want you writing about specifics of the case. The broadest of mentions is as far as it can go and you've now been incredibly detailed as to point out that there was a start point and a settlement reached in a judge's office. That's too far and he would like you to stop.
Why couldn't he tell me?
Your... Lochlan keeps punching him and no one listens when that happens. He thought this might be more peaceful.
But I smile inwardly. ("Your Lochlan").
Do I have to remove anything?
No. Just don't write anymore about the specifics.
Fine.
He said including this conversation.
Bullshit, no he didn't.
He did, he even said if he didn't, you'd post it verbatim.
Tell him I'm doing that and then I'll cut him some slack.
Also if Lochlan continues to strike or make contact there will be police involvement.
The hell there will.
He says he knew you would say that and his response is 'exactly'.
Tell him if the tables were turned Lochlan would be dead already.
He says to tell you he knows. He says 'Sad face', he is sorry. Can he make it up to you?
Tell him no.
He already knows that as well and thanks you for your time and understanding and says to have this twenty to get an ice cream on your way out of the building (Lawyer holds out crisp green Queen).
Awesome! How much did you bill him for this twenty?
That's confidential.
Probably three...three-fifty, right?
Have a nice day, Ms. C____.
Tell Mr. C_____ what my name is one of these days, would you?
I've tried. He insists we call you this to agitate you.
Is it even legal?
The paperwork is correct so that's all that matters.
Monday, 30 May 2016
Argh.
King of hearts will break meToo many punches thrown, shoves against doors, walls, fences, trucks, other people and I've had it. I get it. This is serious. I'm trying to give a pass to someone but Lochlan doesn't seem to have a merciful bone in his body anymore. He's fed up. Worn out. Done. He tried to coexist for years and suddenly now that he doesn't have to for Henry's sake, he's certainly not going to do it for mine.
Makes me feel like Judas, baby
Does he ever float through your mind?
King of hearts is aching
Silent like a fucus, baby
Does he ever shoot into your mind?
So I had to put the dogs on him. August and Sam. Not a nice term but so far I've held them off a bit. They've wanted to talk to him for a while. They think he bottles things up. Holds them inside. Doesn't have many proper channels for blowing off steam, and that maybe his inner sixteen-year-old still running his moral compass based on what he thinks is best using classic America fiction is maybe not going to work so well at this stage in his life.
Or maybe it works just perfectly and that's why he remains so weirdly uncomplicated and sure of himself. Maybe that's exactly what it is. I knew I should have stuck with Anne of Green Fucking Gables and Little House on the Prairie and I would have been fine all along.
Christ on a pancake.
August, however, wound up sitting on Lochlan somewhere between the studio and the fountain just to be able to finish a sentence because Lochlan wasn't even going to stop to give him the time of day. He doesn't want his brain analyzed, thank you very much. He's just fine. Maybe he's the last one who needs a tune up in the head department, don't you think? And there's August trying so hard not to laugh but at the same time yelling for help because really that's all they want to do is keep him safe. One of these days the Devil's going to stop taking these sucker punches and throw one back. So far he's been good about not doing it but everyone reaches their breaking point and that seems to be what we're all about over here.
Sunday, 29 May 2016
Standing room only.
Church this morning was packed to the rafters, and boy was Sam ever pleased, as we were three rows deep, me in the front, smack in the center and two rows more behind and around us, as every single man I know was there just to make sure I had no more unwelcome visitors and then everyone else seemingly came out too from the surrounding areas and yet they all seemed to be familiar faces, people I see all the time in the neighborhood and at church though I go two or three times a month, tops. So Batman is right. If his people are there, I would never have known.
What a gong show though. It was fun, as Sam took the extra attendance to embark on one of his rare call and response sermons that Jake used to do too, telling him it kept people awake, engaged and excited. The boys love that. They embellish the heck out of response. It's very entertaining.
Afterward we went out to eat but since the whole crew went we were divided on where to eat and so broke into smaller groups to find restaurants all over the place. I opted for a hole in the wall that makes epic Monte Cristos and we jammed into a booth in the back and I cleaned my plate. Then we came home, changed and I went out into the garden to putter around, cut some roses, tie up some branches and tidy up a little from the storms that seem to have passed, for now. From the corner of my eyes, more than once I saw Caleb on his front deck or in a window. If I caught him directly I would wave even though he would disappear before he would be able to respond. It's only polite.
After an hour or so of necessary vitamin D Lochlan wandered out to find me.
Caught up?
Yes. I think.
Good. You'll burn if you stay out here any longer.
I'm not sure if he means without sunscreen or under the watchful eyes of the Devil and I smile at either scenario. I hand him my bucket of tools and he takes them and holds his hand out for mine. We need to do some relaxing apparently. It's all the rage.
I know.
The pills are being unkind. I am anxious, jumpy, breathless and really tired. Doctor's orders are to take it easy until I catch up and hopefully the side effects will ease up soon. I run full bore all the damn time. I do too many chores. Work too hard. Stay up too late. Wake up too early. Let people get away with too much. I'm trying so hard to get used to letting things go and I'm failing miserably so he's taken over at doing it for me, or at least making sure I do a little, here and there.
Let's go then. Have a plate of snacks and some Netflix waiting for you.
Is it Chef's Table???
It is!
Yay!
What a gong show though. It was fun, as Sam took the extra attendance to embark on one of his rare call and response sermons that Jake used to do too, telling him it kept people awake, engaged and excited. The boys love that. They embellish the heck out of response. It's very entertaining.
Afterward we went out to eat but since the whole crew went we were divided on where to eat and so broke into smaller groups to find restaurants all over the place. I opted for a hole in the wall that makes epic Monte Cristos and we jammed into a booth in the back and I cleaned my plate. Then we came home, changed and I went out into the garden to putter around, cut some roses, tie up some branches and tidy up a little from the storms that seem to have passed, for now. From the corner of my eyes, more than once I saw Caleb on his front deck or in a window. If I caught him directly I would wave even though he would disappear before he would be able to respond. It's only polite.
After an hour or so of necessary vitamin D Lochlan wandered out to find me.
Caught up?
Yes. I think.
Good. You'll burn if you stay out here any longer.
I'm not sure if he means without sunscreen or under the watchful eyes of the Devil and I smile at either scenario. I hand him my bucket of tools and he takes them and holds his hand out for mine. We need to do some relaxing apparently. It's all the rage.
I know.
The pills are being unkind. I am anxious, jumpy, breathless and really tired. Doctor's orders are to take it easy until I catch up and hopefully the side effects will ease up soon. I run full bore all the damn time. I do too many chores. Work too hard. Stay up too late. Wake up too early. Let people get away with too much. I'm trying so hard to get used to letting things go and I'm failing miserably so he's taken over at doing it for me, or at least making sure I do a little, here and there.
Let's go then. Have a plate of snacks and some Netflix waiting for you.
Is it Chef's Table???
It is!
Yay!
Saturday, 28 May 2016
In which my army gets its instructions from an old book in a nightstand in every hotel across America.
I'm touched that she chose a life with me in your little exercise the other day.
I'm listening inside the door as Caleb and Sam sit on the covered front porch in the rain.
She didn't. I asked her to visualize a life with you and tell me about it and the first thing she did is conjure up Lochlan, inserting him into it, pushing you into the background, and letting her emotions overwhelm her. No time had passed between them in spite of actual years going by.
I know who's corner you're in, then.
Bridget's. I'm in Bridget's corner. I want to help her heal from what you've done to her.
I had a little fun with her. She's a big girl now. She can give as good as she's gotten at this point.
I'm not going to split hairs with you on this today, Caleb. It's a beautiful day out. God's giving us rain to ease the fires you seem to stoke up around us and for the moment things are peaceful in her worried mind. Let's leave it at that and work together to make the second half of her life more tranquil than the first.
It's not just me, Sam.
I'm aware of that, Caleb. Will you help, is what I'm asking?
I'm doing everything I can here.
That's a gift in itself. Take heart in your efforts and God will shine a light within you.
I roll my eyes and walk back through the house. God won't be shining any lights on his forsaken son any time soon. Not sure why Sam chose now to pretend to encourage Caleb but Sam likes to keep the peace all the way around. He likes to feel useful. He likes to minister to us even as we buck and arch and spew pea soup all over him, our heads spinning three hundred and sixty degrees around in a comical display of gentle censure.
We wouldn't actually. We're very respectful toward Sam, just as we were toward Jake. Some of us more than others. Some of us are very spiritual. August, Andrew, Dalton. Maybe I used to be or maybe I tried to be because of Jake. He framed God in a way that made me question how I saw the world and not how I lived the bible. Very open to interpretation. Sam is a little tiny bit more literal and I resist ever so slightly more and he knows it. Sam is an aw-shucks God-fearing very old-fashioned kind of sweet baby preacher. I love him to pieces and I'd follow him off the cliff any day but when he yells IN LEVITICUS... and pauses I turn and start running away, I swear.
I'm listening inside the door as Caleb and Sam sit on the covered front porch in the rain.
She didn't. I asked her to visualize a life with you and tell me about it and the first thing she did is conjure up Lochlan, inserting him into it, pushing you into the background, and letting her emotions overwhelm her. No time had passed between them in spite of actual years going by.
I know who's corner you're in, then.
Bridget's. I'm in Bridget's corner. I want to help her heal from what you've done to her.
I had a little fun with her. She's a big girl now. She can give as good as she's gotten at this point.
I'm not going to split hairs with you on this today, Caleb. It's a beautiful day out. God's giving us rain to ease the fires you seem to stoke up around us and for the moment things are peaceful in her worried mind. Let's leave it at that and work together to make the second half of her life more tranquil than the first.
It's not just me, Sam.
I'm aware of that, Caleb. Will you help, is what I'm asking?
I'm doing everything I can here.
That's a gift in itself. Take heart in your efforts and God will shine a light within you.
I roll my eyes and walk back through the house. God won't be shining any lights on his forsaken son any time soon. Not sure why Sam chose now to pretend to encourage Caleb but Sam likes to keep the peace all the way around. He likes to feel useful. He likes to minister to us even as we buck and arch and spew pea soup all over him, our heads spinning three hundred and sixty degrees around in a comical display of gentle censure.
We wouldn't actually. We're very respectful toward Sam, just as we were toward Jake. Some of us more than others. Some of us are very spiritual. August, Andrew, Dalton. Maybe I used to be or maybe I tried to be because of Jake. He framed God in a way that made me question how I saw the world and not how I lived the bible. Very open to interpretation. Sam is a little tiny bit more literal and I resist ever so slightly more and he knows it. Sam is an aw-shucks God-fearing very old-fashioned kind of sweet baby preacher. I love him to pieces and I'd follow him off the cliff any day but when he yells IN LEVITICUS... and pauses I turn and start running away, I swear.
Friday, 27 May 2016
Princess of Stockholm.
And then what happened?
Oh, he recognized me instantly but since he's a professional he finished his exhibition and thanked the crowd, passed the hat and packed up his things before he came over.
And then?
And then he said "It's you". He recognized me in my McQueen dress on an unfamiliar street in yet another unfamiliar country in an unfamiliar time. Maybe he felt the Devil before he saw me. I don't know. I'll never know, I guess.
And what did you say?
I asked him if he was okay and he did that thing he always does where he looks off and upwards, squinting at the sun or the stars, whatever happens to be handy and he said "Still singing for my supper, as it were. How about you?"
"Still burning in hell. I like the clothes though."
"But are you happy, Bridget? Was the grass greener? Was it all less painful with the promises that money could buy that one thing you wanted? Did he stop hurting you? Did he make up for the past? Did he brainwash you just a little more so you could forget all about the part where you loved me more? Did you actually move on or did you think about me every time you lit a candle like you always said you did?" He recognized me. In his mind twenty years was the same as a week.
And then Caleb is beside me, having straightened out the issue with the restaurant valet and he's all shits and grins and fake delight. "Who do we have here? Lochlan! How long has it been? You're still busking for a dollar? Well I'll be!" And he pulls out a hundred and tucks it into Lochlan's breast pocket and steamrolls the conversations back to the good old days on the point and then they both look at me with horror and I didn't even realize that tears had begun to roll heavily down my face in a death march off the edge because they didn't want to exist suddenly either-
And abruptly Sam snaps his fingers.
Your imagination is a force to be reckoned with, Fragile Miss b. No wonder he worries so.
But I can't catch my breath.
Bridget. Sam puts his hands on my arms and starts to count so I don't hyperventilate.
Why does my head want one thing when my heart knows exactly what it wants, Sam?
Bridget, Jesus Christ! Caleb's been brainwashing you for three decades. You are programmed to go to him. This is how he's designed your brain from a young age in going back to him time and time again not matter what he does to you. It's just lucky that you imprinted on Lochlan before that so he can call you back. The problem is I think it's going to take the rest of your life to undo the damage.
I don't think I have that long, Sam.
You don't have a choice. The longer you resist conventional therapy the longer it takes. No magic bullets, just hard work.
Give me the bullet instead. I can be a vegetable. Lochlan can spoon feed me and then I'll never argue with him.
Bridget, keep talking like that and I'll quit this gig too.
Name one thing that's been easy to come by in this life of mine and we'll call it a day. End on a high note for me, please. I need a cheer-up.
Love. You fall in love in the time it takes most people to brush their teeth.
This is not a flaw, Sam, it's a perk.
It's the reason you're in this mess, Bridget.
Which mess?
I rest my case.
Oh, he recognized me instantly but since he's a professional he finished his exhibition and thanked the crowd, passed the hat and packed up his things before he came over.
And then?
And then he said "It's you". He recognized me in my McQueen dress on an unfamiliar street in yet another unfamiliar country in an unfamiliar time. Maybe he felt the Devil before he saw me. I don't know. I'll never know, I guess.
And what did you say?
I asked him if he was okay and he did that thing he always does where he looks off and upwards, squinting at the sun or the stars, whatever happens to be handy and he said "Still singing for my supper, as it were. How about you?"
"Still burning in hell. I like the clothes though."
"But are you happy, Bridget? Was the grass greener? Was it all less painful with the promises that money could buy that one thing you wanted? Did he stop hurting you? Did he make up for the past? Did he brainwash you just a little more so you could forget all about the part where you loved me more? Did you actually move on or did you think about me every time you lit a candle like you always said you did?" He recognized me. In his mind twenty years was the same as a week.
And then Caleb is beside me, having straightened out the issue with the restaurant valet and he's all shits and grins and fake delight. "Who do we have here? Lochlan! How long has it been? You're still busking for a dollar? Well I'll be!" And he pulls out a hundred and tucks it into Lochlan's breast pocket and steamrolls the conversations back to the good old days on the point and then they both look at me with horror and I didn't even realize that tears had begun to roll heavily down my face in a death march off the edge because they didn't want to exist suddenly either-
And abruptly Sam snaps his fingers.
Your imagination is a force to be reckoned with, Fragile Miss b. No wonder he worries so.
But I can't catch my breath.
Bridget. Sam puts his hands on my arms and starts to count so I don't hyperventilate.
Why does my head want one thing when my heart knows exactly what it wants, Sam?
Bridget, Jesus Christ! Caleb's been brainwashing you for three decades. You are programmed to go to him. This is how he's designed your brain from a young age in going back to him time and time again not matter what he does to you. It's just lucky that you imprinted on Lochlan before that so he can call you back. The problem is I think it's going to take the rest of your life to undo the damage.
I don't think I have that long, Sam.
You don't have a choice. The longer you resist conventional therapy the longer it takes. No magic bullets, just hard work.
Give me the bullet instead. I can be a vegetable. Lochlan can spoon feed me and then I'll never argue with him.
Bridget, keep talking like that and I'll quit this gig too.
Name one thing that's been easy to come by in this life of mine and we'll call it a day. End on a high note for me, please. I need a cheer-up.
Love. You fall in love in the time it takes most people to brush their teeth.
This is not a flaw, Sam, it's a perk.
It's the reason you're in this mess, Bridget.
Which mess?
I rest my case.
Thursday, 26 May 2016
Hold the door.
We're talking, the Devil and I.
Because for years, he cared for my son, out of a sense of duty. Out of a need to watch over us. Because for years he's furnished a means for me to have this collective, to keep the circus going, keep it close. Because for years he's provided me the good parts of Cole. Because for years he made the world smaller that anyone else. Because for years he taught me to be brave. To face my monsters. And that the scariest monsters sometimes wear Tiffany cuff links and Valentino suits, and call you Sweetheart, and offer you the moon.
And because even if I continued to cut him off cold it won't bring Jacob back. Jacob isn't coming back. Jacob made the choice that he did and I don't agree with it. How could a technicality overshadow what is right in front of you? And then I remember how easy it is to become overwhelmed by what we feel and I don't blame him at all.
But you're supposed to find a coping mechanism. He had so many. God. Friends. Getting drunk and quoting Winnie The Pooh. His band. Singing all the time besides. Sex. Good. hard. sex. Running, even though he HATED running. Take out food. Long drives. Camping. Horses. Motorcycles. Helping others. Hospice. Chaplain duties. Teaching. Jesus. He had so much to take his mind off his own troubles, it's hard to believe he had time to be troubled.
In contrast to cope Caleb sits in a chair and looks at his brother's artwork.
Which is all of me, I might add.
Healthy.
But he's still here. And he needs more than a chair. More than some photographs and paintings and a dead brother and a surrogate not-your-family-after-all but we used to be related by marriage and a bunch of sometimes/former friends (they're trying, bless their hearts) and I am generous as always because to be anything else at this point just breaks more hearts and we've had enough of that. I have to set an example. I'm the toughest, so it makes sense.
Because for years, he cared for my son, out of a sense of duty. Out of a need to watch over us. Because for years he's furnished a means for me to have this collective, to keep the circus going, keep it close. Because for years he's provided me the good parts of Cole. Because for years he made the world smaller that anyone else. Because for years he taught me to be brave. To face my monsters. And that the scariest monsters sometimes wear Tiffany cuff links and Valentino suits, and call you Sweetheart, and offer you the moon.
And because even if I continued to cut him off cold it won't bring Jacob back. Jacob isn't coming back. Jacob made the choice that he did and I don't agree with it. How could a technicality overshadow what is right in front of you? And then I remember how easy it is to become overwhelmed by what we feel and I don't blame him at all.
But you're supposed to find a coping mechanism. He had so many. God. Friends. Getting drunk and quoting Winnie The Pooh. His band. Singing all the time besides. Sex. Good. hard. sex. Running, even though he HATED running. Take out food. Long drives. Camping. Horses. Motorcycles. Helping others. Hospice. Chaplain duties. Teaching. Jesus. He had so much to take his mind off his own troubles, it's hard to believe he had time to be troubled.
In contrast to cope Caleb sits in a chair and looks at his brother's artwork.
Which is all of me, I might add.
Healthy.
But he's still here. And he needs more than a chair. More than some photographs and paintings and a dead brother and a surrogate not-your-family-after-all but we used to be related by marriage and a bunch of sometimes/former friends (they're trying, bless their hearts) and I am generous as always because to be anything else at this point just breaks more hearts and we've had enough of that. I have to set an example. I'm the toughest, so it makes sense.
“And I know it seems easy," said Piglet to himself, "but it isn't every one who could do it.” ~A.A. Milne
Wednesday, 25 May 2016
The man with a song for everything who sings for no one but me.
Don't think sorry's easily saidEspecially if it's progressive rock, and distantly related to Pink Floyd, or so I was educated after his acoustic arrangement of the song, sung as I washed my hands at the sink in the half bath just off the side door where you enter from the driveway. I was marched there in tears after being caught in the garage lying on the floor trying to sort out guilt, obligation, and rage.
Don't try turning tables instead
You've taken lots of chances before
But I ain't gonna give any more
Don't ask me
That's how it goes
'Cause part of me knows what you're thinking
Sort it out with me, Lochlan tells me.
You won't let me. I tell him.
Right. Don't sort it out. Leave it be.
I can't leave this be!
Do it anyway! He yells in my face and we burst into fresh sets of tears for each other to admire and regret.
Tuesday, 24 May 2016
Try not to worry you.
I will try not to breatheI love the internet when it serves as a dysfunctional respite, a mirror to my crazy, as since it's spring again the requests for a rundown of my beauty/makeup/fashion routine outweigh any concerns that a mafia henchpin-lynchman-kingturn-head of some syndicate something or other that Caleb
I can hold my head still with my hands at my knees
These eyes are the eyes of the old, shiver and fold
Newsflash. I don't require bodyguards.
Maybe you do, they suggest.
Maybe you do, I counter, trying to tilt my head in a slight display of danger that might give them a little doubt but instead they see it as endearing and I can't win so I stamp my feet and that brings laughter. Laughter all around.
My comic instances, always so charming.
Ben, who finds gravity in nothing and nihilism in everything, thought it was sweet that they want to protect me. Like the rest of us, he said in stark contrast to the way he usually talks. Lochlan wants to know why they're back now, what they want, what angle they're working, if they're watching us/me/Caleb. Caleb no longer cares about them and tells me not to worry, that I haven't done anything wrong and he stopped all dealings with them anyway the moment I became a target the very first time and that if I would sleep easier we could go together and explain our history and explain our present and they would know that we've sorted it out.
Batman tells everyone he has it covered.
Does it involve even scarier people?
Oh, probably, he laughs, but they won't come visit you at church. You'll never see them, he promises and I believe that too.
Monday, 23 May 2016
Victoria Day plans.
Brrrrr. It's a jeans and flannel shirt and boots kind of day. Too wet to mow. Too wet to garden. Too wet to hike. Too cold to ride. Too miserable to play with the bears.
A perfect day to spend in bed with Netflix and pizza and just t-shirts, Ben says and he lifts his eyebrows waiting for my response while I sip my tea.
Danny and Sky made me the same offer an hour ago, I tease him and laugh and he reacts with mock horror and then waggles his tongue and tells me to message them and find out the times.
I push him off and tell him I don't think he was invited, just me and he pouts, saying I'm not going anywhere, lifting me up into him arms, pinning me against the counter, placing a tiny kiss underneath my ear with a smile. We had a rough week. Hit and run. Touch and go. Torch and flee. Flay and pray.
He sets me back to the floor and waits for confirmation that I'll stay with him.
I nod.
I'll go order the pizza then, he says. You get the redhead.
A perfect day to spend in bed with Netflix and pizza and just t-shirts, Ben says and he lifts his eyebrows waiting for my response while I sip my tea.
Danny and Sky made me the same offer an hour ago, I tease him and laugh and he reacts with mock horror and then waggles his tongue and tells me to message them and find out the times.
I push him off and tell him I don't think he was invited, just me and he pouts, saying I'm not going anywhere, lifting me up into him arms, pinning me against the counter, placing a tiny kiss underneath my ear with a smile. We had a rough week. Hit and run. Touch and go. Torch and flee. Flay and pray.
He sets me back to the floor and waits for confirmation that I'll stay with him.
I nod.
I'll go order the pizza then, he says. You get the redhead.
Sunday, 22 May 2016
Went for God, found the Iron Curtain.
I went to church early with Sam this morning. He likes company, I get free coffee.
Once there, he turns up the heat and leaves me to pass out bulletins and set up while he runs for the coffee. We're a good team. I'm still a preacher's wife and a damn good one. The door opens far too soon, no way he could have made it all the way to Starbucks and back so I head down the sanctuary to help him with his purchases and just as I make it through the door I'm greeted by two Russian bodyguards and the kingpin himself, or whatever they call him. Papa is actually what they call him but I don't think any of them are related.
I take a step backwards but then one is taking my arm, walking me back toward him.
Don't be afraid, Papa orders as we reach him.
I'm not.
Such a firefly, he says softly.
Caleb is on his way.
No he isn't.
Are you here for the service?
No, this is personal, actually. I need to know if you need help with him.
Caleb? No.
He hurt you as a child. Does he continue to hurt you? Think carefully before you answer me.
No. And I have no reason to protect him.
Bridget, I'm going to give you a card.
I have one already.
This one is different. It reaches me directly.
Who does the other one reach?
My people.
Oh.
If you need anything you call the number on it. Anything. Twenty four hours a day. You call me. I will send someone or I will come myself. Twelve people have this privilege in the world but I like you. You ask for nothing.
I nod.
Don't let him hurt you. You're worth more than that.
I nod again.
How much are you worth?
More than that.
Good girl. Have a nice day, okay? Don't show that card to them. I don't care if you tell them you saw me but the card stays with you at all times okay? It's not for them, it's for you.
Okay. I whisper. He bends down and kisses both my cheeks, the left one twice and then they're gone.
I'm still standing in the hall shaking like a leaf when Sam comes in with coffee and croissants ten minutes later.
Bridget, you're as white as a sheet! What's wrong?
Nothing. I just had a visitor.
Who?
Papa.
The Russians?
The Russians.
What did they want?
They apparently have my back.
What?
'Save the Bridget, save the world', I guess.
Man, you charm everyone.
But I DON'T. That's the thing!
Once there, he turns up the heat and leaves me to pass out bulletins and set up while he runs for the coffee. We're a good team. I'm still a preacher's wife and a damn good one. The door opens far too soon, no way he could have made it all the way to Starbucks and back so I head down the sanctuary to help him with his purchases and just as I make it through the door I'm greeted by two Russian bodyguards and the kingpin himself, or whatever they call him. Papa is actually what they call him but I don't think any of them are related.
I take a step backwards but then one is taking my arm, walking me back toward him.
Don't be afraid, Papa orders as we reach him.
I'm not.
Such a firefly, he says softly.
Caleb is on his way.
No he isn't.
Are you here for the service?
No, this is personal, actually. I need to know if you need help with him.
Caleb? No.
He hurt you as a child. Does he continue to hurt you? Think carefully before you answer me.
No. And I have no reason to protect him.
Bridget, I'm going to give you a card.
I have one already.
This one is different. It reaches me directly.
Who does the other one reach?
My people.
Oh.
If you need anything you call the number on it. Anything. Twenty four hours a day. You call me. I will send someone or I will come myself. Twelve people have this privilege in the world but I like you. You ask for nothing.
I nod.
Don't let him hurt you. You're worth more than that.
I nod again.
How much are you worth?
More than that.
Good girl. Have a nice day, okay? Don't show that card to them. I don't care if you tell them you saw me but the card stays with you at all times okay? It's not for them, it's for you.
Okay. I whisper. He bends down and kisses both my cheeks, the left one twice and then they're gone.
I'm still standing in the hall shaking like a leaf when Sam comes in with coffee and croissants ten minutes later.
Bridget, you're as white as a sheet! What's wrong?
Nothing. I just had a visitor.
Who?
Papa.
The Russians?
The Russians.
What did they want?
They apparently have my back.
What?
'Save the Bridget, save the world', I guess.
Man, you charm everyone.
But I DON'T. That's the thing!
Saturday, 21 May 2016
Vicarious Dalecarlian.
By eleven thirty the party has wound down and everyone has wandered off into small groups. Dalton has stuck close by me and I him. Good. Three months without this one was rough, though I'm not sure who had it worse, me or him, or possibly Duncan, who shed every ounce of cool and had tears in his eyes for most of the evening as he hung on his little brother's every word. We abandoned the cold table in favor of the warm and cozy fire pit early on in the evening while Dalton regaled us with stories of..kale salads and bed every night by eleven alone. No women. No Netflix and no merch. Free days were spent in art museums and cathedrals. Free nights he had his Kale early and got extra sleep.
Wait. What? Where are the girls? Where are the broken hearts scattered all over Europe? Where is the love?
Here with my family, he smiles. I'm so happy to be home.
He already got an offer to go back in the fall. He's not sure.
He brought us all Dala horses from Sweden, in colors and sizes that correspond to our sizes and favorite colors. Ben's is the size of a cat and dark. Mine is palm-sized and teal blue. Loch's is red and covered with the most ornate filigree and about ten inches around. The rest of the boys got horses in their favorite colors somewhere from the same size as Ben's down to Lochlan's. The children's horses have inlays of enamel in them with their initials. He did amazingly well. They're just beautiful.
***
One forty-five and I have been summoned by the Devil, briefly for a check-in. Loch waits in the driveway, not because of the bears but for the demons. Caleb sits in his candlelit kitchen, all windows open to hear the roar of the surf washing over the rocks, and feel the cool night air washing over our skin. He's got three fingers of bourbon warming at his hand, the bottle close by. It doesn't look like it will be a pretty night (for him anyway). My night is almost over. I'm hardly awake still and Ben waits for me upstairs. A nice surprise after a week of veritable strangeness.
Neamhchiontach.
I'm expecting a verbal flaying. Maybe some legal threats. I went where I haven't gone before.
Yes?
Are you...okay?
Pardon?
I mean...do you need anything?
I'm..okay. Are you...okay? Is there something I can do for you?
I'm...are you going to list my mistakes now for all to see?
Absolutely not. It serves no purpose. But it also serves no purpose to sugarcoat our relationship.
Like we do now.
Exactly, like we do now.
We do, don't we, Bridget?
It works best, I think. I need to go. Loch is waiting-
How is he with this-
He didn't do anything-
He was there too-
He wasn't an adult-
Oh. I forget sometimes how much younger he is.
He was seventeen. You were twenty, Diabhal.
I'm so sorry, Bridget.
Goodnight, Caleb.
When I get back outside Loch is right there with his head pressed against the cedar shakes waiting for me, out-loud counting seconds into minutes, eyes closed.
Locket. Let's go.
What did he want?
He asked if I was okay.
Really?
And he wanted to know how much I was going to write about.
There's the lawyer. Gearing up, I suppose.
Of course. He tried to implicate you as well.
Me?
Until I reminded him of how old you were.
Lochlan thinks for a moment. And then what did he do?
He apologized.
And?
I left.
Loch puts his arm around me and pulls me in close. He's going to try all sorts of approaches now to keep in your good graces. Run your own show, Peanut.
I nod. I don't know if that means actually run my own show or let Loch run my show but it's late and I'm done thinking about anything save for colorful horses and the fact that tonight, we're all home and the gate is closed and it's my favorite moment of all when that happens.
Wait. What? Where are the girls? Where are the broken hearts scattered all over Europe? Where is the love?
Here with my family, he smiles. I'm so happy to be home.
He already got an offer to go back in the fall. He's not sure.
He brought us all Dala horses from Sweden, in colors and sizes that correspond to our sizes and favorite colors. Ben's is the size of a cat and dark. Mine is palm-sized and teal blue. Loch's is red and covered with the most ornate filigree and about ten inches around. The rest of the boys got horses in their favorite colors somewhere from the same size as Ben's down to Lochlan's. The children's horses have inlays of enamel in them with their initials. He did amazingly well. They're just beautiful.
***
One forty-five and I have been summoned by the Devil, briefly for a check-in. Loch waits in the driveway, not because of the bears but for the demons. Caleb sits in his candlelit kitchen, all windows open to hear the roar of the surf washing over the rocks, and feel the cool night air washing over our skin. He's got three fingers of bourbon warming at his hand, the bottle close by. It doesn't look like it will be a pretty night (for him anyway). My night is almost over. I'm hardly awake still and Ben waits for me upstairs. A nice surprise after a week of veritable strangeness.
Neamhchiontach.
I'm expecting a verbal flaying. Maybe some legal threats. I went where I haven't gone before.
Yes?
Are you...okay?
Pardon?
I mean...do you need anything?
I'm..okay. Are you...okay? Is there something I can do for you?
I'm...are you going to list my mistakes now for all to see?
Absolutely not. It serves no purpose. But it also serves no purpose to sugarcoat our relationship.
Like we do now.
Exactly, like we do now.
We do, don't we, Bridget?
It works best, I think. I need to go. Loch is waiting-
How is he with this-
He didn't do anything-
He was there too-
He wasn't an adult-
Oh. I forget sometimes how much younger he is.
He was seventeen. You were twenty, Diabhal.
I'm so sorry, Bridget.
Goodnight, Caleb.
When I get back outside Loch is right there with his head pressed against the cedar shakes waiting for me, out-loud counting seconds into minutes, eyes closed.
Locket. Let's go.
What did he want?
He asked if I was okay.
Really?
And he wanted to know how much I was going to write about.
There's the lawyer. Gearing up, I suppose.
Of course. He tried to implicate you as well.
Me?
Until I reminded him of how old you were.
Lochlan thinks for a moment. And then what did he do?
He apologized.
And?
I left.
Loch puts his arm around me and pulls me in close. He's going to try all sorts of approaches now to keep in your good graces. Run your own show, Peanut.
I nod. I don't know if that means actually run my own show or let Loch run my show but it's late and I'm done thinking about anything save for colorful horses and the fact that tonight, we're all home and the gate is closed and it's my favorite moment of all when that happens.
Friday, 20 May 2016
One. Single. Theme. and it's sex.
Dalton just called from Denver. He and Dilly are almost home! Just three more hours and then freaking long weekend Friday afternoon traffic and they're mine.
And look. I need to address something. I don't often give a voice to things in the past between Caleb and I unless it's to complain about the amount of time I have spent bored in Vegas. I don't often point out that one of the hazards of being a little girl anxious for approval in a sea of close-knit teenage boys is that she often becomes a target for inappropriate behavior or far, far worse. What good comes of that? Want me to make a list of those who touched me without asking? Or who still does? I daresay it'd be easier to list who didn't/doesn't.
Here:
1.
Let's move on from there because it escalated anyway, because things like that always will and Lochlan couldn't always protect me. He had to work. He tried so hard. He lied to everyone we knew, including parents, teachers and bosses. He changed his life. He brought me with him to keep me safe and still it wasn't enough. He holds so much guilt for trying to save me and instead putting me in the line of fire. He can barely breathe some days because of that guilt but we manage and we'll be alright because we're so much tougher than we look. I love him. I always will. Like I said, we're tough.
We must be as I suddenly realize it's noon on a Friday and I'm about to throw a homecoming dinner for twenty people on four hours notice. I asked PJ to take me to the store. I can't drive on these pills, these ones make me ridiculously zonky-quick-sandy. He agrees and I wonder out loud what Dalton brought me home for souvenirs from Europe.
STDs. Really exotic ones though, because...Europe.
Nice.
I know, right? Tres beaucoup!
And look. I need to address something. I don't often give a voice to things in the past between Caleb and I unless it's to complain about the amount of time I have spent bored in Vegas. I don't often point out that one of the hazards of being a little girl anxious for approval in a sea of close-knit teenage boys is that she often becomes a target for inappropriate behavior or far, far worse. What good comes of that? Want me to make a list of those who touched me without asking? Or who still does? I daresay it'd be easier to list who didn't/doesn't.
Here:
1.
Let's move on from there because it escalated anyway, because things like that always will and Lochlan couldn't always protect me. He had to work. He tried so hard. He lied to everyone we knew, including parents, teachers and bosses. He changed his life. He brought me with him to keep me safe and still it wasn't enough. He holds so much guilt for trying to save me and instead putting me in the line of fire. He can barely breathe some days because of that guilt but we manage and we'll be alright because we're so much tougher than we look. I love him. I always will. Like I said, we're tough.
We must be as I suddenly realize it's noon on a Friday and I'm about to throw a homecoming dinner for twenty people on four hours notice. I asked PJ to take me to the store. I can't drive on these pills, these ones make me ridiculously zonky-quick-sandy. He agrees and I wonder out loud what Dalton brought me home for souvenirs from Europe.
STDs. Really exotic ones though, because...Europe.
Nice.
I know, right? Tres beaucoup!
Thursday, 19 May 2016
Speaking of courage, I found a speck of it in my cheerios.
If I can get through tonightCaleb wanted a Mea Culpa breakfast on the beach with me this morning and deferred when I tried to clarify.
I'm waking up with my wings
There's no way I can sleep my way through a fight
And I think I'm gonna like what tomorrow brings
Look at my eyes
Don't even know who I am
That's how I spend all my worthless time on the floor
Waiting for you to tell me I'm a man
But you and your face of light
It's a brilliant roman candle that separates the day from the night
It's that clean, clear truth that sorts our the wrong from the right
You and your face of light
Sorry, I'm having breakfast with people who don't hurt me and call it love.
I don't think there are any people like that on the point, Bridget.
You might be surprised, Diabhal. Also? FUCK OFF.
PJ's eyebrows go up and he asks very quietly under his breath if it's time to burn the boathouse down with Caleb in it and call it an unfortunate accident.
Of course not. We'll do it and call it Even-Stevens.
Sam snorts milk out his nose and almost cries from pain and sad-laughter. It isn't funny but I fare better than most. I mean, Caleb and Cole had years to patch me up so I didn't grow up fucked up and stunted, unable to hold down a relationship or hold a spoon so I guess there's that.
Ben might even stick around though he's made no promises. Seen him lately? I haven't. He wanted a partner in crime. Someone to be fucked up and depraved with. I don't want to be fucked up. I want things to be right. I want things to be fixed. I want things to be better than this. I deserve better than this. I have earned better than this and if the entire collective becomes collateral damage in the process then so be it. The winners will be those who took their knocks and hung on tight. The losers will be those who lied. Those who got greedy. Those who took advantage of me when I couldn't help myself. Hope you all rot. Because what horrible things to do to a little girl who wouldn't hurt a fly and certainly couldn't fight back.
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