I can't sleep. I got up at six and stole PJ's chore list for the day since it was quiet things like laundry and sweeping and I'm cursing myself for being this ridiculous bu also as soon as the final load of sheets goes into the dryers I'm going to go up and run a hot bath and then I'll feel better. The littlest of cats was hogging my tiny island of bed all night and she wouldn't move and I figured she would stretch out and snooze when I left but instead she came with me and now perches at the top of the landing and looks annoyed that I woke her up.
On the upside it's eight and everything's done for the day. We're not hosting a dinner. I still have an endless headache and I left everyone to the wind. There are ingredients. I don't know what to do but I also don't care. Thanksgiving is my throw away holiday. I either go to McDonalds or I make a huge dinner and go all out but I'm not feeling it at all this year.
I can still be thankful, grateful and beyond blessed. I can also be profoundly irritated and in need of a long winter's nap. A lot of people are wondering why I didn't write, why I haven't caught you up to speed on things, what Caleb is up to (no good, as always but in a wearier way) and why I haven't been more present in the moment. It's like a cycle. I don't know how to explain it. I am feeling defeated a lot lately. I lost my dog in the spring and I can't get past it easily and why should I? He was my companion for sixteen years. I feel like everyone is mean and selfish and unhinged lately and I need a long cry and a longer hug, maybe. Maybe some chocolate and a long drive. Maybe that lobotomy I keep thinking I have gotten and it turns out to be false prophets. Maybe I'm haunting myself. Maybe I'm feeling up for nothing and everything and maybe the perspective is hard to keep in mind. It's okay. I'm human. I'm allowed.
All I know is it rained a tiny bit and it's going to rain a lot more and I can make life cozy and wait out the feelings until they change again. Like I said, it's a cycle.