Lochlan's warnings always ring true. I get too tired. Strung out. Touched out and spooled up. I get turned around, distracted and then I fall in a hole and since I insist on being surrounded by people who maybe aren't as attuned to my penchant for danger and destructiveness as they maybe should be, the hole just gets a little deeper and the longer I remain in it the crazier I get.
In a nutshell. That is Ben's description anyway. He was the one who pulled me out, sounded the alarm and then got Lochlan who was busy with a bike, as usual and thought Caleb was paying attention.
Caleb was paying attention but not in the right way and thought I was threatening him when I was simply trying to point out what my brain was telling me. He was changing the subject as fast as I could get the words out. He once again failed to take my massive sudden decline seriously.
And that is not his fault. It's mine. Because I am accountable for my own behaviour and I don't put that on anyone if I can help it.
Joel disagrees and wonders about all of the factors that cause this behaviour in the first place. He was always able to describe how it happens to Lochlan who watches for it but Lochlan isn't a machine and can't be there twenty-four hours wide awake and it shouldn't be all on him anyway, and they designed it so it isn't but shit happens and like everything maintenance and repairs are required to keep this human running properly or she simply doesn't.
(Also the paranoia is a symptom of a greater mess and the boys are not plotting nor have they schemed. If anything they all stepped aside and let Jake in at the time in a way I didn't think they would. They did not conspire to make him leave nor is he back except within the confines of my broken stupid mind.)
In any case. I am floating on a floatie with a mister-hose for the rest of the day because it's hot and I can't swim because I have no strength after fighting my way through the weekend. Lochlan isn't leaving my side. I love that. He elbows the ghosts out of the way and then for good measure, Joel.
Ha.