(Three steps forward, eleven thousand four hundred miles back the way we came.)
So he's got it propped open.
Hold the door, I laugh. It's an inside joke, if you know the provenance. I wasn't a Game of Thrones fan overall but that was one singular shining moment, wasn't it?
Three things about the day, Bridge. It's an order. He can do what Joel can't anymore and I love Sam for rolling up his sleeves and standing here in the cold while he tries to call a foolish freedom dog to heel, watching her run the fields in the sun, wholly ignoring him.
The new Wildernessa EP. Espresso. Cole's sweater.
Those are things. I need more. He says it gently. Like I'm trying to remember the answers on a verbal exam and it means my entire future. Okay, so exactly the same thing.
The sun is rising. I am safe and loved. We are okay.
What does 'okay' mean?
Everyone is healthy except for this cold. We're all doing well for the moment. Making plans for the future. We are blessed and have what we need. The pantry is full. The door is secure. The house is warm. The dog sleeps on the big rug in the kitchen. The children smile. We have movie tickets. Music plays all the time. It's really good.
What are your worries?
That my memories will drown all of this.
Can they? Do you give them that power?
I don't-
Bridget.
I try not to-
Bridget-
Okay, let's say I don't. Then what?
Can you drown them with an ocean of gratitude and blessings and maybe even faith that things are getting better?
Well, logically, yes but when did that ever work for me?
And Lochlan starts laughing. That's the best thing about all of this. It doesn't matter how dark it gets, doesn't matter how far down Sam peels my protective layers to get to the dimmest bulb in the garden that is this Collective, Lochlan is right here. Even when he was gone he was always available, never wavered, never put anything above this. Not God, not his own marriage, not anything. It's maybe a faith I have that I put above everything too because we always said we'd be a team and we've burned everything away but this and that's enough for me. I'm not independent and no, I'm not doing this for myself. There is no self. Just us.
I can do that, and I look into Sam's eyes with a determination he doesn't know is from something deliriously unhealthy as I try to please him without even budging. I can trick him by shifting his definitions for my own benefit.
But then he catches me.
Do what, Bridget?
What you said.
What did I say?
I've forgotten-
No, you changed it.
Survival mode? I offer up helpfully while he frowns.
Right. Survival mode. He looks at Lochlan with frustration and decides that's enough. At the door he turns before leaving. She's all yours.
Yeah, I know, Lochlan confirms. He takes my hand, now freezing cold from where Sam let go. You have to work with him, Bridget.
I thought I was.
You're grifting him. It isn't really fair and you don't need to put up a wall right now. Don't play games. It's Sam. He's a gift.
I'm sorry.
Tell him that. And don't start grifting me. Jesus Christ. I created a little monster.
I told you that decades ago.
You're exactly what I seeIt's like a flashlight is being shown in my eyes and I squint, looking away. A throbbing starts in my head, somewhere far back, I can't place it exactly but he squeezes my fingers hard in his hands and says my name. I look back warily. I'm present. Yes, I'm paying attention. If I wasn't I'd be screaming, scrambling backwards, returning to the dark of the cave that is my mind, at once warm and comforting but ice-cold and frightening. He doesn't want to run down there today. He doesn't even want to put a foot in the door.
Maybe that's exactly what I need
Your heart is working overtime
and your brain is racing out of your mind
the hardest thing about this
is that I can't let you in
You know I need you but I can't see you
without losing everything
So he's got it propped open.
Hold the door, I laugh. It's an inside joke, if you know the provenance. I wasn't a Game of Thrones fan overall but that was one singular shining moment, wasn't it?
Three things about the day, Bridge. It's an order. He can do what Joel can't anymore and I love Sam for rolling up his sleeves and standing here in the cold while he tries to call a foolish freedom dog to heel, watching her run the fields in the sun, wholly ignoring him.
The new Wildernessa EP. Espresso. Cole's sweater.
Those are things. I need more. He says it gently. Like I'm trying to remember the answers on a verbal exam and it means my entire future. Okay, so exactly the same thing.
The sun is rising. I am safe and loved. We are okay.
What does 'okay' mean?
Everyone is healthy except for this cold. We're all doing well for the moment. Making plans for the future. We are blessed and have what we need. The pantry is full. The door is secure. The house is warm. The dog sleeps on the big rug in the kitchen. The children smile. We have movie tickets. Music plays all the time. It's really good.
What are your worries?
That my memories will drown all of this.
Can they? Do you give them that power?
I don't-
Bridget.
I try not to-
Bridget-
Okay, let's say I don't. Then what?
Can you drown them with an ocean of gratitude and blessings and maybe even faith that things are getting better?
Well, logically, yes but when did that ever work for me?
And Lochlan starts laughing. That's the best thing about all of this. It doesn't matter how dark it gets, doesn't matter how far down Sam peels my protective layers to get to the dimmest bulb in the garden that is this Collective, Lochlan is right here. Even when he was gone he was always available, never wavered, never put anything above this. Not God, not his own marriage, not anything. It's maybe a faith I have that I put above everything too because we always said we'd be a team and we've burned everything away but this and that's enough for me. I'm not independent and no, I'm not doing this for myself. There is no self. Just us.
I can do that, and I look into Sam's eyes with a determination he doesn't know is from something deliriously unhealthy as I try to please him without even budging. I can trick him by shifting his definitions for my own benefit.
But then he catches me.
Do what, Bridget?
What you said.
What did I say?
I've forgotten-
No, you changed it.
Survival mode? I offer up helpfully while he frowns.
Right. Survival mode. He looks at Lochlan with frustration and decides that's enough. At the door he turns before leaving. She's all yours.
Yeah, I know, Lochlan confirms. He takes my hand, now freezing cold from where Sam let go. You have to work with him, Bridget.
I thought I was.
You're grifting him. It isn't really fair and you don't need to put up a wall right now. Don't play games. It's Sam. He's a gift.
I'm sorry.
Tell him that. And don't start grifting me. Jesus Christ. I created a little monster.
I told you that decades ago.