The sound in my mouthTo his credit he waited until Ben disappeared again, until Lochlan was in an exceedingly good mood and until he noticed that I had bitten my nails to the quick.
It gets so loud
It gets so loud
Little words can slip out
Words like sorry
I'm so sorry
Neamhchiontach, you're still tense.
Just having a hard time letting go of tension. It takes more than a few days, I think.
Your hands-
I hide them in the sleeves of my sweater. Just nerves, that's all.
I can fix that.
It's late. I raised my eyebrows. He nodded and held out his hand.
I woke up this morning directly underneath a river of hemlocks, rain beating down on the glass, filtered through the trees straight into my eyes. His room is warm. The fur blankets are warm and cozy. The rain is cozy. I lie there biting my nails again and he doesn't open his eyes. Stop. Would you like to have them done so you can't bite them?
Caleb is sleepy, after half a night of trying to fit together conventionally. No doors, no violence, no drugs, no booze. Just him, hands empty, heart almost-full, holding out his arms for me, keeping his weight just right, taking his time, amping up affection levels to a point he rarely reaches, being sweet. I never know what to do when he's like this. It makes it harder still.
No. Thank you.
I don't like this. You have the hands of an eight-year-old.
Eleven. I correct him automatically.
He watches my expression of anticipation, my dare. My quiet reminder. Time to go, Baby Girl. Your Magician will be antsy.
No, he's resigned.
Resigned, is he? Good to know.
(I'm sure somewhere Ben has Lochlan in a headlock.)
Yeah, I can go. I get dressed as he watches and instantly start biting my nails again.
I failed.
Pardon?
I was going to make you less tense. That was the point. How do I do that?
Be anyone but you.