So you were just fucking with him.
It's a firing squad, and this time I'm in front. Apparently my awful brand of sarcasm is indistinguishable from my wide-eyed truth, which is weird because I couldn't lie if I was at gunpoint, which I'm not, technically (well, today, anyway) but still they leapt to Batman's defence and I was soundly lectured for my flippancy.
He walked into my house unannounced. That means I'm allowed to mess with him-
Is it fair?
Life isn't fair! His jealousy was sending him on a bender, I had to shut him down-
By making it worse?
Better than trying to plead my way out of a moment that was none of his business and-
Yeah, about that-
JESUS CHRIST. I say goodbye to everyone the same exact way and suddenly it's an issue.
With Sam it's-
The same exact way. Think about it. I'll wait.
Bridget-
I'm not going to defend my actions to the lot of you. I stare them down, a steely ten-year-old's gaze withering them as they stand against the flood of memories that come rushing back, threatening to knock them down and pull them out to sea.
He's just lonely, Bridge. They soften it, remembering, shouldering their weapons. I can breathe again. I'm not going to die today. Not for this, anyway.
I can't help him. I'm not allowed to help him. You all worry about Sam, Jesus. Sam is the least of all the elephants in this room. He's not even an elephant. He's...He's...I don't know but it's not an issue.
Sam salutes me lazily. Gee. Thanks?
You know what I mean!
Don't fuck with men's hearts, Bridget. Nothing good can come of it.
Fuck with mine and this is exactly what you get. You ask for things and then get angry when I give them to you. You tell me not to touch them and then tell me it's fine. I don't know which end is up.
I told you, you decide what you want to do.
And then you all judge it.
No, we...
'We judge you'. Just say it. I'm here right now living it.
Not going to go into Christmas fighting with you.
And I'm not going to be his panacea. If he's lonely he can come here and spend Christmas with us. That's his call. Otherwise don't make me feel guilty. He was fine to shove me back to Cole when he was the only one who knew for so long. We have a long history that has nothing to do with any of you so maybe just leave it lie. Okay?
Sorry, Bridge.
Yeah, sorry, Bridge. A chorus of quiet affirmative absolution rises and I walk out into the sunrise. Alive for another day. The balance here is tenuous and poorly weighted. If you ever thought my emotions ruled this point and all who live here then you failed to consider the virtual tide of their emotions, their immediate instinct to protect each other in addition to me. Adding that to our combined and separate pasts, it makes for some long days, some hurt feelings and one hell of an incredible peace when it all levels out again.
I head across the lawn as the sun comes up purpley-pink behind the woods. It's freezing and rain threatens the dawn but I don't have my coat. I follow Batman's lead, barging into his house via the french doors off his kitchen, where he sits with a cup of coffee and his iPad, quietly reading while Jay makes some toast for himself.
I'm sorry, I blurt out, not even waiting for privacy.
No, I'm sorry. I have no right to claim ownership over you without doing the heavy lifting.
That was my thinking.
I could change that if you-
I shake my head almost imperceptibly and his face hardens. We have a distance between us that no amount of touching while ever bridge. I sharpen the only arrow I have left, found in the grass on the way over here. I hold it tightly in my fist as I drive it straight through bone, plunging it into Batman's cold heart. Sam's got it covered.
It's a firing squad, and this time I'm in front. Apparently my awful brand of sarcasm is indistinguishable from my wide-eyed truth, which is weird because I couldn't lie if I was at gunpoint, which I'm not, technically (well, today, anyway) but still they leapt to Batman's defence and I was soundly lectured for my flippancy.
He walked into my house unannounced. That means I'm allowed to mess with him-
Is it fair?
Life isn't fair! His jealousy was sending him on a bender, I had to shut him down-
By making it worse?
Better than trying to plead my way out of a moment that was none of his business and-
Yeah, about that-
JESUS CHRIST. I say goodbye to everyone the same exact way and suddenly it's an issue.
With Sam it's-
The same exact way. Think about it. I'll wait.
Bridget-
I'm not going to defend my actions to the lot of you. I stare them down, a steely ten-year-old's gaze withering them as they stand against the flood of memories that come rushing back, threatening to knock them down and pull them out to sea.
He's just lonely, Bridge. They soften it, remembering, shouldering their weapons. I can breathe again. I'm not going to die today. Not for this, anyway.
I can't help him. I'm not allowed to help him. You all worry about Sam, Jesus. Sam is the least of all the elephants in this room. He's not even an elephant. He's...He's...I don't know but it's not an issue.
Sam salutes me lazily. Gee. Thanks?
You know what I mean!
Don't fuck with men's hearts, Bridget. Nothing good can come of it.
Fuck with mine and this is exactly what you get. You ask for things and then get angry when I give them to you. You tell me not to touch them and then tell me it's fine. I don't know which end is up.
I told you, you decide what you want to do.
And then you all judge it.
No, we...
'We judge you'. Just say it. I'm here right now living it.
Not going to go into Christmas fighting with you.
And I'm not going to be his panacea. If he's lonely he can come here and spend Christmas with us. That's his call. Otherwise don't make me feel guilty. He was fine to shove me back to Cole when he was the only one who knew for so long. We have a long history that has nothing to do with any of you so maybe just leave it lie. Okay?
Sorry, Bridge.
Yeah, sorry, Bridge. A chorus of quiet affirmative absolution rises and I walk out into the sunrise. Alive for another day. The balance here is tenuous and poorly weighted. If you ever thought my emotions ruled this point and all who live here then you failed to consider the virtual tide of their emotions, their immediate instinct to protect each other in addition to me. Adding that to our combined and separate pasts, it makes for some long days, some hurt feelings and one hell of an incredible peace when it all levels out again.
I head across the lawn as the sun comes up purpley-pink behind the woods. It's freezing and rain threatens the dawn but I don't have my coat. I follow Batman's lead, barging into his house via the french doors off his kitchen, where he sits with a cup of coffee and his iPad, quietly reading while Jay makes some toast for himself.
I'm sorry, I blurt out, not even waiting for privacy.
No, I'm sorry. I have no right to claim ownership over you without doing the heavy lifting.
That was my thinking.
I could change that if you-
I shake my head almost imperceptibly and his face hardens. We have a distance between us that no amount of touching while ever bridge. I sharpen the only arrow I have left, found in the grass on the way over here. I hold it tightly in my fist as I drive it straight through bone, plunging it into Batman's cold heart. Sam's got it covered.