This is my lobotomy.
I'm in jeans and Cole's grey sweater. Jacob's ring is heavy on my thumb. I found as much armour as I could carry on this cold fall morning with my fever raging hard. My docs are creaky and heavy. I wish I brought my red mittens. The hem of my long black dress hangs below the hem of the sweater and I stand back from the boys as they pack (emotional) explosives around the opening of the door. Everyone is talking at once. Including me as the panic builds with my fever pitch.
Should she go in and say a final goodby-
NO!
Sorry, I just wond-
Hey, where did you get all these charges?
Schuyler knows a guy.
And he just let you have all these explosives?
Don't ask questions, okay, honey?
But I have so many!
How do you sleep at night?
She doesn't!
That should do it. We ready? I'm going to check inside, and then we'll all go topside save for PJ and Jay.
WAIT!!!
What's wrong.
I want to see them.
Bridge-
Just- the last time. Please!
No, Bridge. Lochlan's standing in front of the door.
Please, Lochlan.
He shakes his head. I'm sorry but the answer is no.
I stare at him, twisting my hands. I don't know if he understands what this means, if he wants to take the fall for this, if he wants to continue to be the bad guy. If he wants to be the one who kept me out. Inside my mind is screaming at him to hand it off. Give it away to someone else, anyone else but he's going to stand his ground, the way he's done with everything when it comes to me.
You said your goodbyes a long time ago. This isn't the Cole you loved. Jacob isn't good for you anymore. It's time.
This isn't for you to deci-
Yes, it is. So help me, Jesus, Bridget, I'll take the knocks and be the bad guy but I'm not going to put you near that thing again.
You don't want to be that guy.
I have to.
He's not the only guy taking responsibility for this. Caleb steps forward to stand beside Lochlan. I can almost see the relief wash over Lochlan as Caleb finally shoulders some of this relentless weight.
They aren't the only ones. Wait what? There's Sam, sleeves rolled up, righteous as ever, innocence ruined. He should have run from this years ago.
We're all taking it, Bridget. PJ looks so earnest, so serious. So grown up suddenly. Are we adults now? Finally?
Nods and low confirmations now and there's an army blocking me from haunting my ghosts.
What a vision this is. A small girl with a broken heart in the dark standing up to a wall of men with broken hearts guarding two ghosts with broken hearts who are about to be blown to their respective resting places forever. One to hell, because that's where he should have been all along, and one to heaven but I wasn't ready to let him go yet. Not just yet. So not ready for this.
My eyes center on Lochlan. Without his eyes leaving mine he gives the signal to PJ.
Padraig? Blow this fucking thing to kingdom come and we're never letting her build something like it ever again.
And then he dove for me.
CLEAR.
Our ears will ring for days.
My heart will ring for the rest of my life.
I stare at him, twisting my hands. I don't know if he understands what this means, if he wants to take the fall for this, if he wants to continue to be the bad guy. If he wants to be the one who kept me out. Inside my mind is screaming at him to hand it off. Give it away to someone else, anyone else but he's going to stand his ground, the way he's done with everything when it comes to me.
You said your goodbyes a long time ago. This isn't the Cole you loved. Jacob isn't good for you anymore. It's time.
This isn't for you to deci-
Yes, it is. So help me, Jesus, Bridget, I'll take the knocks and be the bad guy but I'm not going to put you near that thing again.
You don't want to be that guy.
I have to.
He's not the only guy taking responsibility for this. Caleb steps forward to stand beside Lochlan. I can almost see the relief wash over Lochlan as Caleb finally shoulders some of this relentless weight.
They aren't the only ones. Wait what? There's Sam, sleeves rolled up, righteous as ever, innocence ruined. He should have run from this years ago.
We're all taking it, Bridget. PJ looks so earnest, so serious. So grown up suddenly. Are we adults now? Finally?
Nods and low confirmations now and there's an army blocking me from haunting my ghosts.
What a vision this is. A small girl with a broken heart in the dark standing up to a wall of men with broken hearts guarding two ghosts with broken hearts who are about to be blown to their respective resting places forever. One to hell, because that's where he should have been all along, and one to heaven but I wasn't ready to let him go yet. Not just yet. So not ready for this.
My eyes center on Lochlan. Without his eyes leaving mine he gives the signal to PJ.
Padraig? Blow this fucking thing to kingdom come and we're never letting her build something like it ever again.
And then he dove for me.
CLEAR.
Our ears will ring for days.
My heart will ring for the rest of my life.